My Brain is Melting

I recently got a whole load of new patrons, along with a massive bunch of new subscribers. I don't know where to start. <3

Back when I had just a small handful of Patreon supporters, I was thrilled. Now, I feel a bit like this is a dream. Honestly, I think at some point you guys are going to realise I am actually quite rubbish, and that terrifies me.

Now I have people relying on me to make actually half-decent videos. I also need to respond to a lot of lovely messages from lovely people. Please, DON'T get offended if it takes me forever. My anxiety is so strong at the moment, I've had to get more than a little bit tipsy just to write this post. 

Octav1us is a character - a daft, ridiculous character of what I perceived to be the "perfect" female gamer (as dictated by the kind of men I had encountered on Xbox Live); when I came up with her, I never expected to get more than a couple of hundred fans. I was making videos for a laugh, it was a way of pretending to be someone else and - by extension - a disconnect from the mess that was my life at the time.

Now that I have a lot more fans than I ever expected to have, I'm realising that there are a lot of people on the internet who don't get the joke. They also don't like seeing a woman with big boobs unless she is in porn? I'm not sure how it works. In any case, I'll be honest, I'm really struggling with the concept of people I have never met hating this thing I have created - and by extension, hating me.

So the fact that there are people like you guys who are willing to help me pay my rent and bills and get better equipment means more now than ever.  I can't express how grateful I am, I don't think I ever could express it.  You guys don't owe me a living - I feel like its me that owes you.

Thank you so much for believing in me, and I hope you remain fans. I'm on quite a down at the moment, but I promise I have more videos in the pipeline xxx