TLDR: Sorry

Hey there ... been a while.

Ok, again I failed to do my "job" and keep you updated during "hard times" ... so here's be doing my due and informing you about what's happened recently.

Well, I had 2 weeks of holidays at Christmas which turned out to be hell for me ... and no holidays at all in the end.

First week of holidays I was unable to breath correctly, had to visit my doctor urgently and got administered "Ventoline" ... helped a lot as my throat was constricted.

Relief didn't last long as next week, I was unable to swallow, and my gag reflex (greatly enhanced since I choked on an ice cube when I was 6 yo) was going haywire ... was an infernal circle of me being unable to swallow, saliva and shit getting stuck in my throat, me gagging and vomiting ... after puking, trouble breathing again, then couldn't swallow rince and repeat for days on end.

Yeah, Christmas this year was no gift at all.

Finally got medication narrowed down to help, and I now have a fibroscopie scheduled for the first of April (ikr ... what a joke ... where I'm going to have to plead the person doing it to me to put me to sleep ... otherwise Imma be puking all over their equipment and room.

So, slowly "healed" thanks to the meds (did scans and echography's etc, nothing obvious came up, we're waiting on the fibro to learn more about what's ailing me), it was then my parents who fell "sick" again.

I just haven't had any time, between work and my parents.

My mother got operated on recently ,and has been in a convalescence home since the operation, and I've been doing trips to and from ever since, multiple times per week, and because my mom isn't home with my dad, who also has health issues and can barely walk anymore, I'm now doing laundry, cooking, shopping (which I already did for my parents), cleaning (which I also already helped with), and well, overall taking care of my dad whilst my mom isn't there.

For anyone wondering, they're both 78 years old.

And my sister, who has her own family, decided to split up with her boyfriend and daughter's father ... who's turned out to be an absolute trash piece of shit, as he's been "taking revenge" on her by not doing his duty and doing what he initially promised he'd do: fix her car ...

So, apparently, as the only "capable" man left in my entire family, it's been trust upon me to also help my sister financially and buy her a new car ...

I've lent her the money, as she's in the process of finding a new job because she was off work, taking care of the kid.

Also got an expensive surgery for my father coming up soon, for which I'm also going to be paying for it (although that will be 100% reimbursed by social security ... I still need to front the money first).

So, how can I put it.

I'm stressed beyond anything I've experienced before ... stretched in every direction for the people I love (which helps me actually accept why I'm doing all this), but yeah. Idk what to say.

I am sorry I have not been able to upload anything recently.

If I knew all this shit was about to fall on me, I would have never uploaded 2 renders a week before Christmas ... I'd have stretched my "buffer" as much as possible.

But hey, 10k watchers !!!

Sad I'm not earning anything significant from it ...

Ok sorry, that's unfair to say.

But all this "real life" that's thrust it's self upon me in less than a couple weeks after the new year ... was not expecting any of it, and I'm absolutely flabbergasted at how I'm the only one in my family who's now "somewhat stable" ...

Sure, I'm eternally single, unable to find love, or someone outside of my family who actually gives a fuck about me, I'd love to have someone to cuddle with after a hard day even if I'm used to it now ... and sure, I know I'm not the easiest to love, far from it ... I'm deep set in my habits. Those who know, will understand.

But damn, sometimes I wish there was someone.

And cherry on top ... I'm drinking again.

The sudden stress of what fell on me this new year crushed me, was not ready for it ... had a been from a "past reflex" to deal with "hard life shit", and now I'm drinking again.

I fucked up a 1.5 year record of abstinence from alcohol, and already put on 6kg.

So yeah, that's the state of things and why I'm currently not uploading.

My bad ...

I'll try to find some time to get back to it ... I do still enjoy creating these renders after-all.

And I need the little money it does bring in anyway here. Which is at the moment of writing 102€ a month.

(My earnings are public here on Patreon ... I don't see why I'd hide it)

Sorry for "unpacking" here in this post ... guess I needed to tell "someone" (it's not like I actually know any of you ...), to at least get something off my chest.

Fk it, who cares anyway.

TLDR: I'm sorry.