The Stuff You Might've Missed (And More)

So I’m certain many of y’all are aware of my habit of writing lil extra bits and scenes in the comments of my Fuzzbutts art posts. I love doing it, but I’m aware these bits can get buried in the comment section, can be hard to find, can be missed by my readers entirely if you’re not like, refreshing my posts every couple minutes. So! I’ve collected some of these random dialogues and short stories into a compilation. Even threw a bonus, never-before-shared one in there >;3

1.) The One Where Don Spills The Beans 

(should be noted that this is not at all likely to be canon, it’d take a lot more for Don to be so brazen with the guy that signs his paychecks. Trigger warning for casual misogyny and reference to an (implied) attempted suicide)

Merry: You know, Don, just between you and me....sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing. I was more'n twice Maple's age when I married her, and I swear livin' with her's only aged me a hundredfold. *sigh* I thought because she had an adult's body, it meant she had an adult's brain, but that wasn't true then, and it damned sure ain't true now.

Don: I toldja man, even back then. "She's young enough t' be yer daughter!", I said! But you didn't wanna hear it, didja? All you cared about was stickin' it to ol' Ellie. *chuckles* You havin' regrets now that Maple's still young and spry while you need a chair in the shower? Scared some fresh young buck's gonna steal her while yer busy cleaning your dentures?

Merry: *huffs* No, no, that's not it. It's...well, Honey's older now than Maple was when we were married. But when I think about Honey settlin' down with a man twice her age- even a good, godly man- I feel, uh...*wringing hands uncomfortably* ...I just feel sick. 

Don: ...

Merry, finally turning to him: ...Like it's wrong.

Don, glancing away:  Ah ha. Well...right, wrong, who's to say? I don't think you've got anything to worry about with Honey anyway, ain't she a self-declared lil rug-muncher? Or uh, wannabe one, heh.

Merry, irritable: Don, that's not the-

Don: Besides, Maple turned out alright in the end, didn't she? She's got her daughter, her crafts, the church. Always smilin'. It's not like we ruined em, boss.

Merry, sighing:.... Yeah. Yes, I suppose that's true. I-I'm worried over nuthin'. Honey's a good girl. She turned out fine, Maple turned out fine-

Don, absently: Toffee turned out fine-

Merry, confused: Toffee? What about Toffee?

Don: *caught off-guard, uncertain how to proceed* I-Nothin'. He turned out fine, is all. For a while, I uh...I kinda thought he wouldn't.

Merry: *cold* I wouldn't say Tobias turned out fine. And what would you know about my son, anyway?

Don: Well- you don't spend a summer with a guy and not learn a couple things about him. Remember that? You asked me ta teach him how ta be a real man. But no amount'a fishing and campin’ trips could make him into what you wanted. Kid always reminded me'a Maple. Sweet, anxious...wanting a father figure, maybe.

Merry: Hmph. Ungrateful, more like.

Don: But he's not ruined, is what I'm gettin' at. Doesn't spend his days weepin' and shootin' up drugs in a gutter somewhere. And neither does Maple! They turned out fine! Him, Maple, Honey- they all turned out fine! I promise you, chief, nothin’ we did was ever enough to put so much as a scratch on those kids. Young folk nowadays are tough!

Merry, fiddling with his tie: Hmm. Yeah. I suppose. 

Merry:

Merry: …..Wait. “We”?

Don: Mm?

Merry: You said “nothing we did”.

Don, confused: No I....didn't.

Merry: You said it earlier, too. *eyes narrowing* “Not like WE ruined them”. 

Don: *swallowing* I-uh-

Merry, sitting up straight: So now, I’m forced to wonder what exactly you mean by "WE", Donavan.

Don, eyes going wide: Nuthin’! I meant “you”! Ehheh, I just misspoke is all, happens all th-

Merry, snapping: You son of a bitch. You did something with one of those girls you counseled, didn't you? Damn it, Don, I'm responsible for those young women! Their parents trust me, they donate! Who was it? *pauses, before his voice goes quiet, cold, dangerous* Was it Maple?

Don: Cripes, no! I never touched your wife, I wouldn’t have even dreamt of it! I’m bein’ completely honest with you, Merriweather! And my clients trust me- I NEVER would’ve violated-

Merry, standing to his feet: Honey, then. It was Honey, wasn’t it? *gripping his cane so hard the wood creaks* Donavan, I swear to you, if you did ANYTHING to my daughter-

Don, surging up with a snarl: What kinda man do you fuckin’ take me for, Meadowsweet?! Honey?? That’s SICK! She’s- she’s my goddamned goddaughter!!

Merry, jabbing his cane in Don’s chest, growling: Then WHO was it? You’ve got TEN seconds to confess, Donavan, or so help me GOD I’ll CAN your sorry ass! This church, these people, this whole godforsaken community- you can kiss all of it goodbye!

Don: Ohoho, so that’s how you wanna play it, huh? Forty years we’ve been friends, Merriweather, forty years I’ve been loyal! I’ve stuck around when EVERYONE else has walked away from your rotten old ass! But apparently that ain’t enough to buy even a shred of trust outta you, of loyalty-!

Merry: Clock’s ticking, Donavan.

Don: FINE! You want the truth so bad? *smiles nastily, all yellow fangs* I promise you, you’re not gonna like it.

Merry: OUT with it, you insufferable old jackass. *pinches the bridge of his snout* The sooner I know what it is, the sooner I can run damage control-

Don: Toffee.

Merry, taken aback: What?

Don, disgusted: I said I fucked your son, Merriweather. At the lake. That time where he pleaded with you to come along, but you were too up your own ass to pay the kid any mind. I drove him out to the lake, and well, ….things happened. You weren’t there, and I felt sorry for the kid, so-

Merry: ….No.

Don: He asked, and I didn’t say no.

Merry, stumbling back, cane slipping from his grasp: You….with Toby? At- *the words clog on his tongue like sludge, his eyes going wide in horror* At the…at the lake…..

Don, shrugging: Yeah….well. You weren’t there.

Merry: I… *his cane falls to the floor with a clatter. He can’t seem to move. Don’s words sound oddly distant to his ears*

Don: But really, it only STARTED at the lake. It kept up for almost a year. If he asked me then, he BEGGED me later. *With a cruel sneer* You better believe he begged for it. And I indulged him. There, here, at my house, in my truck, in my office…..Heh. In YOUR office.

Merry: *Vomit rises in his throat. Feebly, he clutches a hand to his mouth to hold it back.* 

Don: And you never knew. It was a lapse in judgement on my end, I’ll cop to it. But hey, at least I never flaunted it like you did. That’s why Toffee’s out there now, livin’ his life, while Maple’s still here, stuck to you. You really got the nerve to complain about her? You took away that girl’s future, Meadowsweet. Her dreams, her hopes, all so YOU could get off, get back at your wife. Hell, all I took from Toffee was his virginity.

Merry: *hands sliding down from his muzzle, he looks up at Don for the first time. His voice is hardly more than a whisper*. …..I’m going to kill you, you sick son of a bitch.

Don, getting bored: Sure you will, old man. Sit down already, before you work yourself up into a stroke.

Merry, eyes burning, with the wrath of heaven: HE WAS MY SON, DONAVAN!!

Don, coolly: Wasn’t Maple somebody’s daughter?

Merry: That's not-!

 Don: The same? Yeah, agree to disagree, pal. *Sighs, now attempting to appease* ….Listen, reverend. That boy was more pent up than a shook soda bottle. If it hadn’t been with me, it sure as hell woulda been with the next guy to walk by. You never did pay attention, but I kept my eye on Toffee even after we uh, “broke up”. Kid was off gettin’ into all kinds of shit, poppin’ pills, I heard. Takin’ dick in bar bathrooms, gettin’ blackout drunk. I tell you, I prayed for that boy. Thank god he turned out alright in the end, right? I guess he was just….gettin’ somethin’ out of his system. 

Merry: ….Then.....that time he was in the hospital-

Don, sharp: NO. Don’t you go blamin’ that on me- I was LONG done with the kid at that point-

Merry, talking almost to himself: …With alcohol poisoning. When Ellie called me, I thought....I thought she had to be lying. Toby didn’t- doesn’t- drink, I said. I’d never seen him touch the stuff-

Don, conceding a little: He…..he had a beer or two around me, sometimes. When he turned twenty-one, I took ‘im out to celebrate, and after that we’d get drinks together every now an’ then. But never like THAT. Not like what you’re thinkin’. I never would’ve encouraged him to-

Merry: The doctors said…it might’ve been intentional. *Sharp glance at Don* I….I yelled at em for even insinuatin’ it. That my boy would ever….

Don, growling: That wasn’t my fault-

Merry: Because you USED him-

Don, loud: I didn’t make him do anything!

Merry: ….It was you. You’re the reason my son wanted to die.

Don, roaring: I am NOT responsible for the choices HE made!! Ever stop to think what YOUR role in it was? Where were YOU on that, huh? You’re his friggin’ father, Meadowsweet! Not me! If the kid wanted to off himself, it was because of how YOU-

Merry, SNATCHING up his cane and brandishing it at Don: Get out. Now. Before I call the police. So help me God, Donavan, you get the hell out of my church and you NEVER come back.  

Donavan: *eyes the cane, and Merry. His fists clench*

Donavan:.....You know what? Fine.

*He leaves, taking care to shove past Merry's shoulder. Merry follows his movement with the cane, continuing to grip it like a sword- as Don leaves, the door to Merry’s office slamming shut. Seconds pass in silence, and the cane begins to wobble in Merry’s grasp.*

Merry: ...Oh god. Oh god, oh go d , o h   g o d……

*The cane falls again, and so does Merry. He sinks to his knees, hyperventilating, trying desperately to stop it, but his entire body heaves with dry sobs.* 

Merry: Oh, Toby….oh, god, oh merciful father in heaven, f-forgive me….

As the tears run down his face, the sobs break abruptly into agonized retching- and he vomits up the contents of his stomach, heaving again and again, until all that’s left is burning bile, the taste of acid on his tongue. Vaguely, he wonders if he is dying.

Perhaps he is.

2.) In which Biscuit looks out for her neighbor, young new mom Maple

Biscuit: Hello, hello, so wonderful to see you both again! And- oh!! My goodness, Merriweather, are your arms injured?!

Merry: Huh? *confusedly examining himself* I don’t....No? 

Biscuit: Well, it's just that I see dear Maple carrying the diaper bag, AND the car seat, AND the baby, and I simply cannot think of another reason a gentleman of your caliber wouldn't be helping....? 

Merry, unamused: Hrmph. *yanks diaper bag off Maple's shoulder*

Maple: *exhausted whisper* Thank you.

Biscuit, whispering back:  Of course, my love. <3

3.) A gag in which Maple realizes hey wait, she’s way stronger than Toffee (non-canon)

A couple years in the future:

Toffee: Maple, I truly am sorry about grabbing you that one time- and for what I said to you. It was monstrous of me- completely unacceptable- and to this day I'm ashamed. No matter what my feelings were, I had no right to physically overpower you and frighten you the way I did.

Maple: I mean...I don't know that you did, really. I was more startled than anything. I was hurt, I froze up. Looking back on it now... I'm not sure why I didn't put you in a headlock, or nail you in the balls. I could've. I didn't, but... you're just not very strong, Tobias. Huh. I probably could still do it.

Toffee: Haha, but you wouldn't, right? 

Maple: 

Toffee:

Toffee: .......but you wouldn't, right

4.) In which Toffee helps Bob's body confidence (New ⭐Kinda Saucy)

Toffee, pinching the bridge of his snout: For God’s sake, Robert, nobody is forcing you to eat the pancakes. If you're truly so concerned about getting chubby, I can make you an omelet with egg whites instead.

Bob, looking longingly at the stack of blueberry pancakes: Ehh. *hmphs, glancing away* Nah. No thanks, Toffington. I’m fine with just my cuppa coffee.

Toffee: *concerned* Bobby, you know I’ll support you if losing weight is really what you want to do. But I hope all this wasn’t brought on by Honey’s little….remark. Don’t let her rattle your self-confidence, I don’t think she meant for it to come off the way it sounded. And if she did, well….*gestures vaguely* She’s just a kid. A very sheltered one, at that. You mustn't put much stock in her opinions, my love.

Bob: I don’t! Or- *faltering*....I wouldn’t. If she was just a regular, run-a’-the-mill dumbass. But she’s not, Toff. Whether I like it or not.....that’s my sister-in-law. And she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her brother. And….*uncharacteristically quiet* I guess that kinda….I dunno. Stings. A little.

Toffee, eyes softening: I see. *reaching across the table to take Bob’s hand* That’s quite a shame…considering you are absolutely perfect to me, sweetheart. Perfect. The most handsome man in the world. 

Bob, scoffing, pulling his hand away: Aw come off it, hon.

Toffee, getting frustrated: You come off it!

Bob, snapping: Just look at me, Toff! *dejectedly grabs at his belly* Used ta’ be fit, now I got this spare tire around my gut, crow’s feet on my face, balding-!

Toffee, interrupting: As am I, my love. *playfully ruffles the thinning fur atop his head* Every day I look more and more like my father, it's terrifying! And of course I’m too skinny, all spindly limbs and knees and elbows, I’m starting to gray around my snout, I’m scruffy- Mom complains all the time that I don’t take decent enough care of my fur-

Bob, huffing: Shut up with that, will ya?

Toffee: Hm?

Bob, with a matter-of-fact harrumph: Toff, you’re literally the most gorgeous thing on two legs.

Toffee, insistent: As are you! Our bodies tell a story, Robert- the story of you. I’m delighted to be part of that story. *once again reaches out to hold Bob’s hand, this time Bob doesn’t pull away* Please, please, Bobby. Please believe me when I say that I adore every part of you. Your mind, your soul, your body. *pulls Bob's hand up to press a kiss to his knuckles* Every single inch.

Bob, quiet for a long moment, brows knitting:…..*shyly squeezes Toffee’s hand*...Even my gut?

Toffee, squeezing back: I can’t lie to you, Robert. I find it extremely arousing.

Bob: *startled* Bahaha! *with fondness* You’re a real freak, Toffington. You don’t, uh….you don’t like it like that, right?

Toffee, rubbing his chin in thought: Well….*glances back to Bob, a new, husky purr in his voice* I mean. I don’t not like it like that.

Bob: O-Oh?

Toffee, leaning closer, to murmur in Bob’s ear: I like the way it presses against me when we make love.

Bob, somewhat beginning to resemble a flustered puffball: Uh-

Toffee, prowling even closer: I love the softness of your body, the way it interplays with those rugged, undeniable muscles. *settling into Bob’s lap* I love the way I can wrap my legs around you and feel the way your curves mold to the press of my thighs. I love how I can grip you and claw at you and know you can take it. I love to feel how strong you truly are, my love. How solid, how substantial, how warm, how firm. How beautiful.

Bob, a fascinating shade of crimson creeping up his neck, he has hidden his face against Toffee’s chest: Cheese and rice, babe. Only you could make bein’ horny sound poetic.

Toffee: Yes, well. *nuzzles against Bob* I’ve got quite the powerful muse~

Bob, sighing happily: Mm.

Toffee, unable to help himself: Oh, and I quite like the way your gut bumps against my snout when I’m sucking your-

Bob: HEY WOW SO HOW ABOUT THOSE PANCAKES HUH

4.) A note on Merry and Honey’s relationship

Honey is still Merry’s favorite kid, he just thinks she's going through a weird phase. Merry's got a lot of condescending paternalism going on and doesn't think lesbianism is “real”. To him, homosexuality is two men committing vile sex acts against god. "Lesbianism", in his eyes, is simply two women childishly rebelling against society, or fooling around when bored. A lesbian is just a woman who hasn't found the right man to set her straight. And so, Merry thinks Honey is just confused, and that she'll straighten out when she finds a husband. 

Honey has definitely pushed back against Merry's mindset, even argued with her father outright, but it's like speaking to a brick wall.  Furthermore, she's just not confident enough in her identity yet to properly stand up for herself. Merry is stubborn and hard to argue with, and Honey loves her dad too much to want to rock the boat too much and risk losing his favor. It's a topic they've just learned to avoid. Merry is not as pushy about Honey getting married/having kids as you might expect, because she's his innocent baby girl and he kinda wants her to stay frozen in time like that forever. Honey meanwhile is not exactly landing any ladies, so she and her father don't have reason to butt heads most of the time.

Honey: For the LAST time, I. Am. A. LESBIAN! I like GIRLS, I'm attracted to GIRLS, I date GIRLS!

Merry: Mm-hmm, of course, sweetheart.😌 And ah, just where are these girls that you're dating? 

Honey: ...

Honey: ............ >:(

5.) In which Mal and Topher get married (canon, eventually)

Topher and Mal do get married, but not because either of them proposes. When Axel is very young and impressionable, they watch the furry version of The Parent Trap and get BIG UPSET upon learning their own parents aren't married and living happily ever after like in the movie!! Mal's gentle explanation that "Mommy and Daddy are just friends, sweetpea" does NOT help. JUST friends??? Not in love like Uncle Toffee and Uncle Bob?? This is the WORST POSSIBLE THING!! AHHHHHH

Mal and Topher have a reeeally hard time saying no to their precious little hellspawn, so they agree to get married if it'll stop Axel's tantrum. Just a quick little wedding in the backyard, they can get it over with before lunch, Axel's too young to know it's not real. Topher puts on his best tuxedo t-shirt, Mal wears a lace doily on her head as a wedding veil. Axel helps set up the lawn chairs for their teddy bear guests. Axel also INSISTS they invite all their family, and so Bob, Toffee, Honey, and Grandma Eleanor are all hastily invited over. Honey to be the confused flower girl, Toffee to officiate the ceremony, Bob to snicker at what's happening, and Ellie to BEAM at how red Topher's face is turning at all this. 

It's a nice wedding, all in all. Perfect weather. Toffee's opening speech is poetic and beautiful. Mal and Toph's wedding vows are considerably less so, but they're far less practiced at this than Toffee is, and also they only had like 5 minutes to come up with them. They're not gonna pretend to be in love for their kid's sake, but they still can hold hands and hesitantly say "I love you", because it makes Axel happy, and also it's true. They exchange the cheap plastic mood rings Ellie scavenged from her old costume jewelry, and Toffee (who is definitely not crying) says Topher may now kiss the bride. And he does.

As the party winds down, with Axel asleep in Honey's lap and everybody eating the last of the last of the wedding cake and pleasantly buzzed off the wedding liquor, and Eleanor has danced playfully with her awkward and nervous "new daughter-in-law" and Bob and Toffee are sappily swaying to the last of the music, Topher remarks out loud that this is nice. Mal toasts her red solo cup against his and agrees, it's not so bad being "married", if only for pretend. This is when Toffee cheerfully reminds them that he is an ordained minister, and thus their marriage was official and legally binding. And all hell breaks loose.

Jk. Toffee is only joking, but the couple moments Mal and Topher took him seriously DO prompt them to have a serious conversation later. Because the prank didn't incite in them the panic they might’ve normally felt at the idea of marriage. Instead, to both their surprise, they felt...relief. Happy, even! Topher always thought that marriage was a yuppie fantasy for normies, buuuut now he's wondering if there's actually something radical about two queerplatonic friends challenging the powers that be by appropriating the "sacred covenant" of marriage. Mal says ditto, it'd be pretty nifty to paradoxically reinscribe and destabilize hegemonic discourse in such a way, and also, they can fuck real nasty on their "honeymoon". She's musing about the additional tax and insurance benefits when Topher realizes that Mal would be his WIFE now, not just his roommate and baby-mama but his actual this-is-not-a-drill WIFE, and the thought is so metal he almost passes out. 

The next day they go to the courthouse and sign their marriage license. And they all lived exactly the same ever after~