The Truth Is Out There

UPDATE: Now with dialogue~

I originally didn't post the attached story for this because I could never get it to feel right, and by now a few things in it are outdated. Bruce of course is no longer a wallaby, and while he's still a professor/doctoral student, he now studies biology instead of botany. Still, I gave the story a read-through and found myself liking it well enough to post. Hope y'all enjoy!

~~~

Critter City Zooniversity was home to a magnificent library. More than a century old, it teemed with both an abundance of knowledge, as well as an overgrowth of lush plant life that hung from the ceilings and crept along the walls and shelves. A marvel of nature-integrative engineering, the library was truly one of Bruce’s favorite places in the world.

Except, of course, when the librarian was in.

“Just one episode. That’s all I ask.”

Her voice cut through the burbling of the coffee maker, and Bruce ground his teeth together to stifle a groan. He could ignore the aye-aye in the room no longer.

“I already told you no, Miriam.”

“Pleeeease?” Mimi contorted herself on the vine she hung from, opting to dangle by her feet so she could clasp her hands together beggingly. “Just one! You’re exactly what my podcast needs, Bruce!”

“You know I’m a phytologist, right?” With careful claws, Bruce fished out a leaf that’d fallen into the coffee maker. He studied it for a moment, then, deeming it safe to eat, he popped it into his mouth. “I study plants. Botany. I’ve got no interest in joining some silly amateur podcast about monkeys.”

“Dear Bruce, Great Ape-Spectations covers so much more than monkeys.” Mimi chirped excitedly, “It’s an extensive showcase of my years of primatology research! And while it’s true you’ve chosen to bury your snout in one of the most objectively boring branches of science-”

“Watch it-”

“-You are still a scientist.” She continued, her owlish eyes locked on Bruce. “And that’s just what I need. I’m certain the presence of a second credible researcher could lend Great Ape-Spectations a real, ah…” Here she faltered, twiddling her terrible, spider-like fingers. “....Air of legitimacy.”

“Mm.” Bruce took his time filling his mug. A plume of vapor rose from the bitter black coffee, and he blew on it before taking a sip. “...As opposed to actually being legitimate.”

“You-!” Mimi’s eyes, already the size of dinner plates, widened more than Bruce would’ve ever thought possible. Her fur bristled in impotent indignation.  “I’ll have you know, my podcast has a listener count in the double digits!”

“Ah, so you finally hit ten listeners.” He lifted his mug to toast her, unable to help a wry smile. “Congrats.”

Unfortunately, his sarcasm had exactly the wrong effect. Mimi proudly puffed out her chest. “Aw, thanks! Quite the milestone, isn’t it? If you’d have told me six years ago that my humble little science show could’ve acquired a following of this magnitude- I, hah, I would’ve said you were crazy!” She let out a mad little giggle-snort, swatting the air with her hand-like foot. “I’ve been thinking of making commemorative fanny packs. For my fans, get it?”

“Fluff’s sake, Miriam.” Bruce pinched the bridge of his muzzle, already sensing a headache coming on. “I was making fun of you just then.”

“....Well gee. That’s not very nice.” Mimi’s grin slid from her face, and she cocked her head at him. “How many listeners do you have, Bruce?”

The tips of Bruce’s ears burned. “I don’t need listeners.” He snapped, “I have students. Students to teach verifiable science, not crackpot conspiracies.”

He turned to leave, but Mimi swung on her vine to block his way, startling him half out of his fur. 

“Gah!”

“Conspiracies….? I’m disappointed in you, Abalone. Don’t you know close-mindedness is the enemy of scientific discovery?” She narrowed her eyes at him. “And to think I was saving you a fanny pack.”

Bruce shut his eyes, then sucked down a calming breath. “Listen to me very carefully, Miriam.” He started, “I don’t want a fanny pack. I don’t want to be co-host on your whackjob monkey podcast. I want to be able to take two sips of my morning coffee without being accosted by a bug-eyed little gremlin. For once.”

“Oh, that?” Mimi blinked at his mug. “You shouldn’t be drinking that anyway, Bruce. I don’t think anybody’s cleaned the faculty coffee maker since the 80’s. The inner mechanisms are utterly infested with weevil larvae.” And she giggled. “Sometimes I poke around in there when I want a snack.”

Bruce spat out his mouthful. “Motherfu-”

“Freeing yourself from caffeine addiction is the first step to liberating your mind, dear Bruce.” Mimi chided gently. “You’d know that if you tuned into my podcast.”

“You can take your goddamned podcast and shove it right up your-” Bruce managed to bite his tongue just in time, tightening his fists until his claws dug into the fur of his hands. No. He valued his work at the zooniversity far too much to let a pest like Mimi rile him up.

“...I know plenty.” He said at last, though not quite as calmly as he’d have liked, “I know that I’m going to start bringing my coffee from home from now on. And I know that I’m going to report your asinine podcast to administration for propagating nonsense and misinformation.”

“Misinformation?” Mimi’s pupils shrunk down to the size of pinpricks. “Misinformation?” She hissed, “How dare you?! Our world teems with more secrets than grubs beneath a rotten log, and Great Ape-Spectations seeks to shine light on them all! I, and I alone, and the only scientist here brave enough to uncover our world’s deepest, greatest truth!”

Bruce knew he’d regret it as soon as he opened his mouth, but he was also a glutton for punishment, it seemed. He sneered at her, unable to help himself. “And what truth is that, Miriam?”

Miriam jabbed a splindly finger in his face, her voice a hot-blooded, conspiratorial whisper.

“That this planet- our planet- was once populated by intelligent primates!”

“Well, that’s true, at least.” Bruce scoffed. He busied himself by rinsing out his coffee mug.  “Because the planet still is populated by intelligent primates. Gorillas, baboons, gibbons….” With a decisive grunt, he knocked the entire coffee-maker into the trash bin. “Wish I could say the same for aye-ayes, though.”

Mimi ignored the barb entirely, only shaking her head. “No, Bruce. I’m not talking about contemporary primates-” She gestured at herself. “I’m talking about an ancient race of hairless, tailless apes. A sort of creature that existed long before animals like you or I held even the slightest  spark of sapience in our brains. They were conscious and bipedal- just like us! They cultivated the land, they made art, they had language, writing even! They were people! The very first people. And they were called-” She nearly fumbled unfurling a crumpled piece of paper, upon which a strange biped was illustrated. “Hoomans!”

Bruce couldn’t scrub away the brown ring from the inside of his cup. With a sigh, he dropped it too into the bin. “....Awful bold claim, luv.” He said. “I trust you’ve got some sturdy evidence to support yourself, then? A skull, maybe? A photo?” He tapped his chin in mock thought. “Or maybe you’re keepin’ one of ‘em in a cage out back, just waiting to introduce himself?”

“Don’t be an idiot.” Mimi huffed, folding her arms. “Hoomans haven’t existed for eons. I couldn’t introduce you to one anymore than I could invite a dinosaur in for tea.”

“And yet.” Bruce pressed on, sensing victory, “We know dinosaurs existed because of the fossil record. If a species of furless bozos really once existed, then the world’s paleontologists would’ve dug something up by now. A tooth, a carved tool, hell, a pair of underpants. If they were as advanced as you say, I doubt they’d have gone extinct without a fuss.”

“That’s because they didn’t go extinct at all.” Mimi leapt down, slapping her hands on the counter hotly. “They simply vanished- by their own free will, I’m certain of it. I’m just not sure where.” Here she looked uncertain for the first time, worrying her lower lip with her rodent-like teeth. “....My current theory is, they fled into space.”

“....Space.”

“Space, yes- or maybe another dimension- I told you, I don’t know for certain!” Flustered, Mimi’s fur had fluffed up, leaving her looking quite ridiculous. “They still exist, just somewhere far away. They might even be observing us right now! Maybe they’re listening in on this very conversation, via satellites and….and little handheld computers!”

“Uh-huh. Okay.” Bruce took in a breath, already certain he’d regret asking. “So….these almighty ape-people fucked off into outer space for no reason whatsoever?”

“Not for no reason.” Mimi said brightly, “Just for reasons we don’t fully know yet. Perhaps they sensed the genesis of new animal intelligence on the horizon, and left to make way for our own evolution. Or, as my newest research suggests- see, you really should listen to my podcast, Bruce- it was the hoomans that caused our evolution!”

“What.”

“Just think!” Mimi breathed, her hands beginning to flap in excitement, “Maybe they did it through gene therapy, or artificial selection- or even radiation mutation, like in comic books! However the means, it was the hoomans who shaped us into something intelligent! To take over for them as new masters of the planet!” She winked at him then, as though sharing a secret. “I’m sure you know, more than anyone, that new plant life blooms best when it grows from the ashes of old leaves.”

“You’re off your rocker.”

“Bruce-”

Bruce cut her off. “I mean I already suspected you were insane, but to have it confirmed outright-”

“Dear Bruce, every scientist on the cusp of discovery is always decried as insane. At first.” Mimi said craftily, tapping a finger to her temple, “But I know I’m right! I’m at least seventy percent certain! And-” Here she narrowed her eyes. “I think you know it too.”

“Goodbye, Miriam.”

Bruce turned to hop away, but Miriam swung around on her vine and blocked his path.

“Stop doing that-!”

“Just think about it! Why else would so many millions of diverse species, all across the planet, just so happen to evolve sapience around the same time? Species as ancient as crocodilians to creatures as recent as mammals, all spontaneously, simultaneously, evolving intelligence? Tool use? Bipedalism and dexterous hands? And all of this taking place in just a few short million years?” She argued, “Sharks have existed on this planet longer than trees, Bruce. Four hundred and fifty million years! Yet all of a sudden, around the same time as marine mammals, they decided to evolve limbs and leave the oceans? That’s insane and you know it.”

“Not so insane.” Bruce pushed her away a healthy distance, not enjoying those intense eyes locked onto him. “And they didn’t decide anything. Evolution isn’t a conscious process. There was….simply a benefit to living in crude civilizations. It meant greater access to food, more eyes to watch out for danger, more hands to craft tools and care for offspring. It makes sense that so many species would adapt to be hypersocial. They were only filling an ecological niche.”

“Or….they were answering a call.” Mimi said mysteriously. “If developing intelligence and culture was so beneficial, why did some species develop it and not others? As far as we know, the only sapient species are us mammals, reptiles, birds, amphibians, and a handful of shark species. Why didn’t fish evolve the way we did? Why didn’t insects?” As if to demonstrate, she rifled through her hair until she found a wriggling beetle, lifting it to Bruce’s face, oblivious to his discomfort. She then tossed it into her mouth with a crunch.

“And what about dogs?” She munched, “How do you explain them?”

It was so absurd that Bruce snorted a laugh. “Dogs did evolve intelligence, you quack. They split off from wolves thousands of years ago.”

“Sure.” Mimi conceded, “But why? Perhaps one could argue that they lost their wolf-like ferocity and strength as civilization developed, but why then, didn’t wolves? Why did dogs split into so many different, carefully curated breeds? A chihuahua and a Great Dane are so phenotypically dissimilar they might as well not be the same species. Yet they are. And you’re telling me this massive variety in breed developed organically? How does a wolf evolve into something like a pug, Bruce?”

Bruce paused, carefully considering his answer. “Dogs..….have historically been very tribalistic.” He murmured at last. “It’s…largely accepted that different breeds are simply the result of extremely insular communities. Herding dogs are said to have evolved specifically to protect the sheep and cattle they fostered trade with. A mutual sort of domestication. Surely other breeds evolved to suit similar purposes.”

“Mm-hm. And does the same hold true for that roommate of yours? A golden retriever, is he? What is it you suppose he evolved to retrieve, exactly?”

“Waterfowl, of course.” Bruce scoffed. “They’re water dogs, we can see it in their water-repellant double coats, their webbed paws. Thousands of years ago, they evolved to go into waterways to retrieve ducks and geese shot down by-”

Mimi hardly dared to breathe. “....Shot down by what, Bruce?”

“Other…..other dogs.” Bruce frowned at her. “There’s evidence they’d already evolved partly dextrous paws, so maybe they threw stones. Or….crafted crude slingshots. Maybe.”

“Hmm.” Was all Mimi said. Her pupils dilated like a camera lens, and she scrutinized him for a long moment. It had the unpleasant effect of making Bruce feel like a germ beneath a microscope.

“I’ve found notes on dogs, you know.” She abruptly broke the silence, “In hooman writings. I’m not 100% certain of my translation, but a certain phrase keeps popping up. ‘Man’s best friend’.” She breathed. “What do you suppose that means, Bruce?”

“I….” He faltered. “I….God, Miriam, I don’t know, alright?” He admitted finally, with a tired sigh. “But just because I don’t have all the answers, that doesn’t mean you do.”

“I never claimed to, Bruce.” Mimi smiled at him. “That’s why I’d like you to join my podcast. You and I already are pioneers of natural science, together we’d be a truly formidable scholarly team! Kicking butt and doing research! Renegade science, like back when Furlonius the Bright first discovered that the Earth wasn’t the center of the universe!”

“....Didn’t he get burned at the stake for heresy?”

“Regardless! We’d be defying the paint-by-numbers answers they teach us in elementary school and pursuing the truth, Bruce! It’s our duty as scientists- consequences be damned!” She clapped her feet together eagerly. “What do you say?”

“Oh gosh, why not?” Bruce drawled. “I’d love to sit in a dank room with a loony lemur, mumbling conspiracy theories into a microphone until administration catches wind and kicks us both out of the doctoral program. Maybe I’ll bring some of my botanical notes, tell your listeners how the hoomans are secretly tryin’ to communicate with us through bloody crop circles in corn fields!”

Mimi gazed at him, starry-eyed. “You mean it?”

“God save the species.” Bruce slapped a hand to his forehead. “No! The only question you should be asking on your goddamned podcast is how you managed to evolve without a goddamned sense of sarcasm- or boundaries- or the ability to not believe every fringe theory you read on the goddamn internet! For the thousandth and last time, no!”

Mimi’s shoulders sank. “...Oh.”

Silence fell.

The unfortunate fact about a creature with eyes that took up one third of her face was that Mimi pulled off ‘kicked puppy’ quite well. Better than some actual dogs Bruce had met. Better even than Sunny that time Bruce had actually kicked him (in Bruce’s defense, his roommate had startled him).

It was pathetic. Bruce told himself that Mimi deserved his scorn, but a sensation that felt uncomfortably like guilt was niggling at his gut.

“Gee, I’m sorry.” Mimi mumbled, wringing her hands, “I guess I got a little overexcited. I just wanted to share with- it’s just that I really- I, um, I didn’t mean to bug you, Bruce. I thought it might be fun to include a friend, even if this all turned out to be nonsense in the end. I guess that was pretty dumb of me.” She tried to smile up at him, but for the first time, she avoided eye contact. “I’ll just….get out of your way now.”

She hoisted herself back up onto her vine, and began to scramble back up into the sprawling canopy above.

Bruce watched her leave, cursing his stupid bleeding heart, cursing the fact that despite his best efforts to the contrary, Mimi had indeed managed to pique his curiosity. Their stupid argument had been the most passionate about he’d felt about science in months.

God damn it.

“...Mimi.”

She turned and looked down at him. “Yes, Bruce?”

“About the podcast.” He felt himself say.

“Yesssss?” Her pupils began to expand, and her mouth twitched as she tried to hold back a smile that was equal parts hopeful and nervous.

“Ugh. I’ll uh….I’ll….” He closed his eyes and blew air through his nose, conceding defeat. “I’ll……consider it.”

Mimi beamed.

Bruce wondered if he'd made a terrible mistake.

Leaping down from her vine, she clasped his hands together within her own skinny, spider-like ones. "We are going to make such beautiful research together, Bruce."

Then, from seemingly nowhere, she produced a fanny pack. 

It was designed to look like a garish yellow banana, and had Mimi's crudely-made logo for Great Ape-Spectations printed on the front. Most worryingly of all, it had “BRUCE” scrawled across it in neon pink, bedazzled letters. Bruce’s prey instincts activated, and he stood frozen before his fate, as unable to flee as a rabbit caught in headlights.

"Welcome to the team, partner."