A bajillion directions

Here’s your reminder I was chipping away at a bunch of ideas, cuz my meds had finally been fixed after 6 months of me pointing out what needed to be done, and then I got screwed by insurance big time, so I was already at the point of collapse when my scumbag brother died and broke everyone in the family - cuz EVERYONE was stretched as thin as I was. He filled his destructive role to the end and beyond!

I don’t wanna share my half-posts, cuz I was enjoying building up themes - “Ascended” Momentites showing their best quest results, FALLEN Momentites to serve as proxy for working through my horrible present, a new pass on the Momentites showing off the quest stones they bonded with, and a fresh pass at Precocizing everyone to match the revamped character designs made since the first try!

Since Aaron/Rhenna are Bud/Autumn expys - and vice versa, cuz story evolution over 30 years has such quirks - these two can stand alone as a post for now. Cuz I really need a check-in!

Stuff remains hell, and my luck remains #ChrispyLuck cartoonishly outrageous. Today was PT #2 while undermedicated because my doc forgot to send my muscle relaxer script, then apparently forgot AGAIN after I had the pharmacy send a request! And I compounded the idiocy by not realizing I had PT Thursday instead of Friday this week, so my re-pressuring started a day late! While fully broken, my body and mind are so overwhelmed - I’m legit passing out from pain several times a day at this point - all coping skills I learned over the years are lost in the overload, and prior issues (Hello, severe anxiety disorder!) rage out of control cuz stress is causing a feedback loop. Having to admit failure and weakness is already devastating - you need context of me refusing to admit defeat, so when I say I’m in trouble and need help, it means I’m on average 6 months past the point where a sane person would’ve brought it up, cuz I had to attempt EVERYTHING first - and now I’m in a stage where every time I speak up I have to look like a loser trying to shrug off all failures with “I’m disabled! I’m disabled!” Looking like I’m trying a “get out of responsibility” play forever. Y’know, exactly how my scumbag brother acted. He absolutely had real issues, but he would give up and throw responsibility on his abused family at the first conflict. It took all the family’s attention to deal with him, and I refused to give up like him. So, yeah, by the time I admit I’m in trouble, I’ve burned through all reserves, and everyone assumes it’s a first warning, so they blow me off. I went three full years with comic updates after I hit the point where I should have gone on a health hiatus, because if I failed I’d have over 1000 extra comics for my legacy, and history said I wouldn’t get help anyway, so breaking on time would be pointless. The trade off, of course, is when my body gave out, IT GAVE OUT. Like, filler attempts were a true mistake, because I was so broken I couldn’t compose anything of value, and those updates made my website so embarrassing I’ve ruined my whole archive. And I don’t have the resources to go back and fix the archive, and definitely can’t compose new updates, such as writing a proper “what happened” post. Best I get is these blackout moments where I ramble off a status update on unplanned impulse, with hopes maybe one day I’ll be able to use scraps from these, and cut and paste them into the updates I need.

Wow, I’ve been blacking out again. I started writing this around noon, it’s 5:45pm now, and I black out twice while writing this sentence. (And once more trying to conclude things!) I should give up and post, hoping you’ll forgive all semi-conscious rambling that happened while I was trying to wrap this up. I was not planning on writing anything after “check-in.” Crud!

Y’know, I’m in such a constant level of altered state, I don’t really know what sketches got posted already and what I saved in my Momentum folder for the future. Fingers crossed!