sadness - the most precious orange light, I hold it in my hands...

I lost this song when I erased my files. out of everything I lost I was most upset about this one. I was genuinely so excited about this song and i would listen to the draft all the time on my long walks at 4 am. when I deleted the session by accident all I had left was an mp3 bounce of the unfinished song, which had all the guitars, the synth, and midi drums. this was particularly annoying because now there was no way to change anything about the drums, such as adding fills, actually recording live drums (which is always  more enjoyable) or even changing the tone or volume. the only reason I added the midi drums in the first place was because i just wanted to listen to the songs with drums before atually adding the drums. I was left with no choice but to work with it and I ended up recording live drums on top of it (in the same way I did for redroom autumn tensions). I was disappointed at first because my plan initially was the make the drums sound like a steam locomotive. the guitars were also stuck as they were, I would have changed the tone or recorded them from my amplifier later, the tone you hear is really just the scratch tone for recording the tracks. in the end I think everything sounds really cool actually, especially the guitars. there's a nice fuzzy lo-fi black metal quality (even though sadness can hardly be considered black metal in my opinion). after adding the layer of acoustic drums, adding the bass, and then finally today the vocals, I'm extremely happy with this song and I'm happy it's finally done after literally more than a year. I think I started making this in late 2020 or the very beginning of 2021, it was likely 2020 because at first the title was "an orange light deep in the autumn woods" as I was inspired by autumn. I knew I wanted to make a song about this elusive magical essence deep within the burning autumn flame, something I've longed for for years, something I've felt lightly brush against the deepest parts of my being even as lightly and distant as something from another world. at the time i was also living in texas where there's no autumn and I heavily missed true autumn, so this song was also just yearning and begging to feel the autumn fire again. I was honestly so disappointed when I lost the session that I thought i was never goibng to finish this song (there's no way you'll ever see me re recording a song from scratch,.. that's too much work and sounds really annoying).
I never had lyrics for this song, but I looked through things I've written as thought diaries on facebook and found words that elude to something fairly similar. 

the most precious and the purest orange magic, holding it in my hands, throughfrom april travel into the perfect night of blue twilight and open space  orange light, open. i find it and keep it in my hands and the light tower is of 2011 autumn emotion, only now as pure as juvenescent discarnate body  and in that magic is every road and every story.  i have it...  i want to be as discarnate june 24 2015 in the sight of innumerable orange lights deep down a hidden path all before my eyes. my whole body. my entire body is the story.  i cry every single day. i just want to be there

 i just want to be there i 

just want to be there..........

--- the subject matter is something really deep and personal but in the least oversharing way I can describe it, I've always been obsessed with this particular orange magic, this orange flame that I feel deep inside me and have been desperate to connenect with itself somehow and somewhere outside of my body. I'm dying to find this magic, somehow, in its purest form that I can hold in my hands...
on june 24 2015 I had a really nice dream where I saw innumerable orange lights (orange love talks about this kind of). this space is so pure and perfect. I want to be there

also my girlfriend sings with me at the end
this song is going to be on a 2 track ep, which might be all done soon since the other song is ALMOST done too. I just don't know what the ep will be called or what the cover is going to be