Sea Wolf

by Angela

The older I get, the more I value my own independence. 

The more I appreciate being able to rove to my own rhythm. 

The more I appreciate the people who understand my need for spaciousness, and who celebrate this aspect of my being as an important and beautiful part of myself—not a deficit, or an offense to them. 

Yesterday evening, I went swimming at sunset with my loves, and I ended up floating out to the middle of the lake, and a curiosity overcame me. I had to go explore the small islands, far from shore. So I paddled my way through the tangerine splashed twilight waters, to the islands. When I got out there, I noticed anxious thoughts raging within me. What if they are offended by me taking off on my own? What if they're angry at me? I recognized these narratives as old, codependent narratives—ones that encouraged the belief within me that my role was to serve, mediate, and behave absolutely perfectly in accordance with what others needed, and without doing so, I would not, could not, be lovable. I breathed these anxieties out of my low belly, inviting in new narratives. People can appreciate me for who I am; see me for who I am. Understand when I stray from the pack; see it as a mark of my fierce independence that my mother always spoke of when I was closer to my true nature. When I would boldly walk away from her as a little one without skipping a beat. When the world whispered and hummed her beauty and I couldn't help but hear the call. When I got back, Angela welcomed me with warmth and love. She often tells the babes when they're getting too clingy to "let her be her own person." I think we would all benefit from this type of thinking; we're often so steeped in the desire to control other people, or our relationship to them, that we forget to celebrate them as they are. In their fullness, when they are centered in their own power, following their own impulses, being true to themselves. 

"I'm in love with a girl who's in love with the world..." This quote by Amos Lee rings through my ears often. I am in love with the world. I am in love with the way silky lake waters caress my skin, I am in love with the way the late afternoon sun spills through tree leaves in midsummer, leaving golden streams of light across fields of grass. I am in love with the way the winds whip off the sea and dance my hair in a wild chaos. I am in love with the way that moss feels under my feet, the way wildflowers saturate the warm air with a sweetness that billows through my open car windows. The way the roads wind through hills like ribbons...

"To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves." - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Feeling really fucking grateful for this journey of coming home to myself. Of being myself, and realizing that there are people who will love me for exactly who I am, and reciprocally so. There is so much liberation in unlearning.