Lunar Wildling

By Maya Tihtiyas, with Sydney DeHaven

Things have shifted for me internally.

Huge shifts.

The kind of movements and moments that feel too consuming to even try to capture in words.

Words feel stagnant and flat compared to the dynamic & flowing life that I am surrounded by right now.

I know there will come a time for reflection, I feel the images and written poetry stirring in me already.

I hope you are all doing well & soaking in these last days of August - autumn is saturating the air here and leaving her kisses on the treetops. I am ready for the seasons to change. To slow down and to rest and to reap the harvests of these busy summer days.

Sending so much love!

B R E A K

Hey all  ✨

First of all, I want to thank you so deeply for being here and supporting me. Truly, it is a blessing and an honor, and I am so thankful. 

Secondly! I decided I need to take a break; after many months of feeling uninspired to engage the digital realm in this capacity... 

If you want to delete your pledges; I completely understand! And I thank you so much for your support. If you feel inspired to continue to support me while I'm on break, that is also increddddibly appreciated. 

I just need some time, I think, to take a true break to reassess what modeling/my artistic expression means for me; what I want to communicate/express; and which medium is best to do so. 

I really, truly appreciate all of your support, understanding, and being-hood, and I will be back! In the meantime; I hope that you are all finding moments of absolute joy + peace + fulfillment —and that you are all well.

Thank you thank you thank you. 

✨

Reflections

Photo by Greg Bennett 

Hey y'all!

I hope that you all have been enjoying midsummer; the sticky-sweet juicy moments that drip down your lips and flood through your being.

July has brought a lot of beautiful shifts to my life. I found Community. A group of people I can come home to. It feels surreal, what I have always wanted. People to cry with, cook with, be grumpy with, adventure with, and all together weave an ease in daily life between our collective energies.

Beautiful moments happen when we come together. Like living poetry. I press the bruises on her inner thigh from a faraway lover, so she can continue sipping memories of the bliss. We buzz around the kitchen together like a hive. We lay on hot tar parking lots to watch the sun paint the sky and run our fingers through each other's hair. We run barefoot through the forest like banshees to dive into wild waters, and drink wine. We make sure there are always fresh flowers in the spaces we gather. We snuggle and watch movies; we take baths. Intimacy like this is as natural as the air we breathe, and somehow, as a culture, we have forgotten how juicy and how very necessary it is to our sense of belonging and fulfillment. 

 I am falling in love, with all of them. But especially with two of them, who have cracked my heart wide open. I am in love with how rough her hands are, the dirt that has found home in the cracks in her fingers, the callouses that come from working with the earth. The way she always keeps flowers and fruits around the house; reminders of the natural flow of abundance this earth thrives in. I am in love with his kindness + gentleness, his fierce protective energy when it comes to the few he lets into his heartspace. The way he smells like motor oil when he gets home, his fingers blackened in grease. We are a wolf pack and I feel more safe than I ever have in their arms.

Please note; I have changed the tiers! I feel deeply that I need to shift into valuing myself and my energy more. Thank you for understanding & please feel free to switch/sign up for new tiers as you see fit. <3 xo

Sea Wolf

by Angela

The older I get, the more I value my own independence. 

The more I appreciate being able to rove to my own rhythm. 

The more I appreciate the people who understand my need for spaciousness, and who celebrate this aspect of my being as an important and beautiful part of myself—not a deficit, or an offense to them. 

Yesterday evening, I went swimming at sunset with my loves, and I ended up floating out to the middle of the lake, and a curiosity overcame me. I had to go explore the small islands, far from shore. So I paddled my way through the tangerine splashed twilight waters, to the islands. When I got out there, I noticed anxious thoughts raging within me. What if they are offended by me taking off on my own? What if they're angry at me? I recognized these narratives as old, codependent narratives—ones that encouraged the belief within me that my role was to serve, mediate, and behave absolutely perfectly in accordance with what others needed, and without doing so, I would not, could not, be lovable. I breathed these anxieties out of my low belly, inviting in new narratives. People can appreciate me for who I am; see me for who I am. Understand when I stray from the pack; see it as a mark of my fierce independence that my mother always spoke of when I was closer to my true nature. When I would boldly walk away from her as a little one without skipping a beat. When the world whispered and hummed her beauty and I couldn't help but hear the call. When I got back, Angela welcomed me with warmth and love. She often tells the babes when they're getting too clingy to "let her be her own person." I think we would all benefit from this type of thinking; we're often so steeped in the desire to control other people, or our relationship to them, that we forget to celebrate them as they are. In their fullness, when they are centered in their own power, following their own impulses, being true to themselves. 

"I'm in love with a girl who's in love with the world..." This quote by Amos Lee rings through my ears often. I am in love with the world. I am in love with the way silky lake waters caress my skin, I am in love with the way the late afternoon sun spills through tree leaves in midsummer, leaving golden streams of light across fields of grass. I am in love with the way the winds whip off the sea and dance my hair in a wild chaos. I am in love with the way that moss feels under my feet, the way wildflowers saturate the warm air with a sweetness that billows through my open car windows. The way the roads wind through hills like ribbons...

"To be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves." - Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Feeling really fucking grateful for this journey of coming home to myself. Of being myself, and realizing that there are people who will love me for exactly who I am, and reciprocally so. There is so much liberation in unlearning. 

Camera Roll

Here are some images from my phone from this month 😊

I have been soaking up the beauty of these midsummer days. Opening my heart as friends become lovers, letting Love pour into me like amber honey magma and soaking in the nectar of it all, after feeling convinced I would never feel that warmth again.

Loosening my deeply engrained ideas about monogamy and what Love looks like in this lifetime, for me.

Enjoying deepening my connections to my community; seeing each other through difficult moments, grumpy moments, boring moments—as well as beautiful and jubilant ones.

Realizing how much of my relationships functioned in only seeing each other in curated, simple, easy terms: an hour-long coffee date here, a picnic there. Learning that the true connection lies in sitting with each other until there is nothing to say. Until all there is left to do is LIVE alongside each other. This terrain is where true connection - the kind that feels so ancient and loamily human - lives.

Remembering how good it feels to live outside of my own mind. Saying No when the rabbit holes try to tempt me back; finding ease that exists when there is intentionality in diving into the mind. How distorted and paranoid and disconnected our thoughts become when we are trapped in our minds.

I am going to create some Polaroids today with the loveliest Gabbi Gilbert and I am so excited to share ✨

Love to you all 🕊

Woooooosh

Images by Deepak Bardhan

So you may have noticed; my energy for this platform (and all digital realms) has plummeted this month.

I’ve spent a lot of time in my head about it; feeling poorly for not modeling more, producing more, sharing more. I’ve felt poorly for feeling the way I’m feeling, and have spent a lot of energy churning through guilt instead of being honest about where I’m at (a lifelong lesson for me.)

The truth is, I have felt so called to live in my five-sensory life experience. I have to continuously remind myself that art, contrary to social media platforms, is a process that takes time, that has its own intelligent rhythms underpinning it. I feel guilty right now because I’m not producing high quantities of content. But I need to remind myself that rest and receptivity are important aspects of the creative cycle. Even when that period of time lasts months. Or years. Because the truth is, the people I see never taking a creative break just end up putting out the same exact concepts, variations on a theme, without growing and changing and evolving.

So maybe it takes some time.

Truly, a huge lesson for me in the past few years has been in staying true to my rhythms, not being ashamed of them, but standing strong in my self-awareness, and in doing so, hopefully giving other people permission to do the same!

So guess what!

We are in the middle of a global pandemic.

It’s stressful and everything is changing and I need to work in a public setting (for now at least) which gives me consistent underlying anxiety with regards to being exposed.

We are also in the middle of a huge awakening with regards to Race in America.

With that striving awareness, I am also trying my damndest to enjoy the midsummer and hold these golden days close, because I have a feeling that this year will continue to be difficult, and these 🌞 days keep me going through the long winters of these northern climes.

So have patience with me.

Be kind.

Be compassionate.

To yourself & everyone else right now.

The terrain of our world is shifting beneath our feet, and I just feel like there needs to be radical support and understanding and space for how we are all responding.

Huge love and appreciation to all of you. Thank you ✨

Summertime Sadness

Polaroids by Sydney DeHaven

More to come from this shoot - !

I hope y’all are finding joy & hope amongst these dense moments, time to dream and imagine all the beauty that could be.

More than ever before, I feel the gentle yet firm call to enjoy and make the most of each day. With the illusion of control & predictability more or less shattered, I am feeling and leaning into the art of presence in each day. Finding a peace with not-knowing. With simply taking things day by day -

a practice I have always felt is deeply right, for me. When people ask me where I want to be in the future, I honestly don’t have a clue. Because the path is always unfolding before me, unpredictable and wild, and it requires me to walk one pace at a time. My life will never be routinized, homogenized, rigid, inflexible... this is a fact that I will spend my life bucking against the system in order to maintain, to the best of my abilities.

Sometimes this makes me feel alone; like I was not meant for this world. But then I think, perhaps I was meant to, like so many others, be a part of the transformation of this world. The remembrance of a time when we were not treated as industrial machines to be manipulated & utilized for extraction of our energies, time, spirit, but were meant to truly live. Vibrantly and organically and in rhythm with our bodies, with seasons.

The Female Form in the Maine Landscape

These images were from a workshop that I had the pleasure of participating in last year with the lovely Laurie Klein. 

Been feeling tender the last few days; I feel certain boundaries of mine transforming from barbed wire to tenacious wisteria; hearty and strong and certain, but also beautiful, soft, vibrant, alive, enjoyable even. 

I have been feeling my emotional hooks disintegrating; a sense of levity replacing the unbearable tension. A sense of realignment as that tension releases. Deep breaths, and a sense of spaciousness. Like a polluted river becoming clear again, my mind and heart are remembering purity of spirit and intention. 

This will be a wild year to look back upon...

Thank you for being here  

🙏🏼✨

by Matt LaPierre

It's hard to even know where to begin... 

The last few months, have disrupted the system that we have all been living in.

They allowed the People to really reflect, to communicate, to see with clear eyes (beyond the day-to-day distractions that capitalism and consumerism so cleverly use to keep the wool over our eyes) just how inherently unjust this system is.

How everything—our language, our values, our actions—or inactions—are steeped in white supremacy, colonialism, and patriarchy. 

I feel like an entire world is being surfaced—the Underworld—that is, what has been shoved under the rug of 'mainstream' (read: white/able-bodied/cis/hetero/middle-upper class/Christian) cultural understanding. The voices of those who have been eclipsed. All that we have been repressing, all that was left unsaid in our History classes. 

As we step into new levels and depths of consciousness, I notice some of my friends are not coming with us. They are committed to their ignorance. They want to turn off the News, go offline, when they are confronted with uncomfortable truths + how they might be complicit in these oppressive systems. They would rather use spiritual languaging to bypass any responsibility, to bypass looking reality in the eye and saying: This is wrong. And I'm going to do something about it. 

I have been lost in this world for the last few years.

Before this world, I was a student of Sociology, and then Social Work. Human Rights have long been a passion of mine; but upon returning to Maine, an overwhelmingly white state, I allowed my awareness to internalize and stay there, unspoken. One of the tools of white supremacy is that we are taught "not to get political". This is often a code for "don't talk about issues of oppression". We are met with avoidance, silence, and discomfort, called whiney, no-fun, too-much, a sheep. All tools of the oppressor—cleverly used + carried out to ensure that oppressive systems are protected.

Maine has an attitude of "I don't care what you do, as long as you don't subject me to it" when it comes to anything deemed "political" (aka anything that is not whiteness, heterosexuality, cisgenderedness, monogamy, etc.) This "polite" culture is so detrimental, too. It says—In order to love you, I must remain ignorant of your wholeness. It doesn't allow us to see people who are different from who we are, to truly care about them, and find our shared humanity. To understand each other's experience. To unlearn all the hatred that we have been taught, and walk toward Love together. 

This shit runs D E E E P, it is EVERYWHERE.

And as a white person, it is so easy to say, this is not my issue. It IS our issue. White supremacy was created by white people, and is sustained by white people, in ways that we can see obviously (manifest) and very covert ways (latent). 

 United States Capitalism is so central to US culture; it will take lifetimes to unlearn. From our educational systems, to our collective cultural imagination, to individualism, to work structure... everything is based in exploitation. Exploitation of all of us. It's overwhelming to think about.

But ignoring it, or staying committed to living in a small bubble and never facing it, won't be sustainable. Beyond the shame, and the pain, and the guilt: there is a beautiful place, where we can resist together. Where we can persist together. An entire world where we can challenge what we've been taught, our own internal programming, and work together to make tangible change. This is the most fertile soil; and here, we can imagine new worlds and work toward them. But we must, must, look with honest eyes and an open heart at the damage that our (white) ancestors have done. That we have benefitted from. That we have unwittingly upheld. And we must be committed to destruction, before we can build anew. 

Love you ALL, I hope that this has been an eye-opening, heart-opening, spirit-igniting moment for you—

💓

🌈

by Anna Madsen

✨✨✨

NEW✨

By the loveliest Anna Madsen 

I got to see Anna, and co-create, for the first time in months.

It felt so good. We spent over two hours in the parking lot talking animatedly and loudly, gesturing wildly, to the point where my voice was hoarse for two days afterward. Anna & I have a dynamic that feels like we have known each other for lifetimes. We can speak in shorthand, and there is an ease in understanding each other, which makes our time together feel so energizing. 

My birthday is this week!  🎉and I'm going to have a Polaroids & Prints sale to celebrate. The Polaroids will be from this set (which I will upload here in full later this week). If you are interested, please reach out via DM to discuss the details—y'all have first dibs before I advertise elsewhere.

I have a few shoots planned, so I will FINALLY have some new content to share in the next coming weeks. So so fucking excited. I have a really good feeling about the direction my art is going to go. 

"I have not written a word during quarantine. Just a reminder to worried artists - there are times for creating and times for becoming the person who will create the next thing. For many of us, this is a becoming time. Rest and become. Love you." - Glennon Doyle

This has been a time of becoming for me; I feel like I am indeed a different person than I was when this began. Closer to my core essence, more bold in allowing that voice to lead. I am glad I didn't try to "hustle" during this time; I would have just kept on creating the same things without having space or time to lean into the deeper art of becoming. If we are not growing, neither will our art. 

I can't wait to share.

xx

Over It

Photo by James Shedd

I'm over it.

Part of me wants to go back and rephrase that to make it more palatable, but nah. It's sharp and sure, I'm over it.

Over the ways that I have been making art, and a lot of the ways I see art being churned out as perfunctory content on social media. 

Don't get me wrong—I'm proud of the work I have done, and amazed by the folks with whom I have had the honor of working. 

It just feels stale + stagnant and I'm ready to move on from it.

Ready for new ways,

and I feel them, surely growing in the darkness,

and all I feel that I can genuinely do right now is sit back in a state of reception

and wait to see what bursts forth. 

But I can feel the energy roiling in the underground,

a force of nature moving up, up, up...

I have some sense of the terrain I am moving into,

see it like a fuzzy picture coming into focus before me.

Wide. Open. And mine to birth into the world.

Instagram especially sometimes feels like a hall of mirrors, 

where inspiration begets mimicry begets mundanity.

Everything starts to look the same.

It feels like fast-fashion; mechanical and disposable.

Visually, yeah, it looks like art. 

But it doesn't feel like art.

It doesn't have fucking SOUL, or DEPTH.

And that doesn't cut it for me anymore. 

I want more. 

Strawberry Fanta Zine

A few years ago, I asked some of my friends to help me produce a zine. Above is the compilation of images that came together; all with the prompt: if you could tell your younger self anything, what would it be? 

I was really amazed at what each person came up with; and how creative and unique each page was. I would love to create another zine; if anyone here is interested in contributing let me know...

THANK YOU ☁️🌞🌲

This photo is from a backpacking trip in the Sierras, taken by my dear friend Meera after we scrambled up the boulders overlooking Cathedral Lake barefoot for hours (our campsite was by the lake...)

Thank you SO much for the continued support, loves.

I am honestly continuously overcome with gratitude for the relationships I've developed through this platform; it is truly an honor to be here with you.

Do you have any questions for me? I would be so happy to answer them... 

THANK YOU.

Photos by Brianna Fern

"Thank you" doesn't even feel adequate to communicate how fucking grateful I am for your support.

I wish that I could describe it, but words simply cannot do it justice.

It makes my spirit feel supported, uplifted, shrouded in golden light...

I feel it deep in my belly.

It gives me butterflies.

What a gift, to be supported in my path.

To be supported by you.

Especially in this time of deep uncertainty; when the job that I have to ensure steady income has been frozen in furlough—

my earnings from this platform will be going directly toward my essential bills this month.

I know, it's not sexy to talk about money. 

But it is TRUE and important, and I just sincerely thank you.

I wish I could jump out of my screen and give you a big, big hug. 

Happy April, loves.

I hope you are all staying safe and well.

💓

- oh ! and !

Thank you for your feedback as far as content you'd like to see more of,

and for your co-creative inspiration. 

I am going to focus on making that feedback come to life this month, and can't wait to share with y'all.

Restless

I am restless.

My mind races, trying to cling to something—anything—to take hold of,

when so much feels uncertain.

Obsessive thoughts march through my head like a parade;

loud, overwhelming, impossible to ignore.

These thoughts fill the void with

what I want to do, 

who I want to be, 

what I need to buy to achieve these things;

—but there is no peace in this place.

Endless longing,

all based in lack.

I know that this the restlessness that occurs in the chrysalis. 

The uncomfortable liminality, the moment between more solid states of being.

I haven't been dealing with it well.

I have been spending far too much time on my phone.

Comparing myself,

letting capitalistic programming take over, 

feeding the demon of Want.

Of more, more, more.

All the while numbing myself the fuck out.

My mind becomes quieter,

but my soul withers.

My phone has become a sort of pacifier,

and I don't. like. it.

It's my responsibility to find the root cause of the anxiety.

What am I trying to prove?

That I am interesting?

Cool?

Special?

Creative? 

Worthy of love?

Of adoration?

When did I forget that that knowledge can come only from within?

I feel like Instagram has literally rewired my brain.

I have only had it for a year, and it's changed...everything.

Whereas I used to do things simply out of pure enjoyment

and soul-resonance,

now there is this weird, extra cognitive layer. 

A voice that says, 

"Record this.

Take a picture.

Take a video.

Share it to social media."

This voice has woven itself so deftly into my being,

I can hardly discern it from my true self anymore.

It has created a vast chasm within me.

It makes my life feel less real.

Maybe that is why I have felt lightly disassociated for the last year or so.

Are we doing what we are doing because we truly love it,

or because it will look/sound good on social media?

Oyyyye,

I hate to admit that this has become a legitimate internal battle for me

—but it has. 

What do y'all do when your relationship with social media starts to feel toxic?

I would love to hear.

Full Set with Kelsey Gayle ✨

Polaroids by Max Marshall ✨

As we're navigating these uncertain times,

I just keep the serenity prayer on the forefront of my mind.

I can't tell if I have gotten good at detachment, or if I've been slightly disassociated;

but, whatever is unfolding, 

is unfolding.

All we can do is respond. 

I have been trying to allow fear to pass through,

but not be overcome by a fear mindset that is all-too-familiar; whose grip I have worked hard to loosen over the past few years.

To support a hope/love/abundance mindset, I have been buying my friends' products to support their businesses,

focusing more on sustaining local food systems and the people who work their asses off (I live in a fishing town after all!),

and giving thoughtful reflections to the beautiful people in my life that I have always had, but haven't expressed aloud. 

Keep hope alive, loves.

Co-create with Me

I had a fun thought this morning.

Want to co-create with me?!

If yessss,

send me along some words,

or poetry,

or a color palette,

or a concept, 

or a clothing item,

or whatever inspires!

and I will make some self-portraits today based on your input. 

(and credit your participation of course!)

Here are a Bunch of Photos of the Side of My Face :)

All right;

so today's shoot didn't quite work out for capturing my full-blown vision of 'Celtic goddess' (though I have some photos to come that embody the vibe) ...

Creating kind of works like that. For me, anyways. It unfolds organically, much as I try to impose a vision. 

Between the cold and rain, I ended up shooting indoors.

And, this is where I landed.

Profile photos.

You know why?

Because, for so long, I loathed my profile.

- - -

I have anxiety-induced body dysmorphia, and I will hyper-focus on a particular aspect of my body (tends to be my facial features) and just obsess over how much I hate it. 

My profile has been the subject of that cruelty, again and again.

Particularly, my nose.

When I was younger, I used to look up Rhinoplasty surgeries all the time. 

Strange "nose-shaper" devices on Amazon.

I used to press the bridge of my nose, desperately wishing to have the straight nose that is the beauty standard of our time.

It's not that extreme anymore.

But it's still there, all the time.

I avoid posing in a way that captures my profile. 

So today, I realized.

The only way we are going to love the parts of ourselves that we have historically hated,

is for them to be seen. 

To fall in love with them. 

No matter how far outside of the social norm of beauty they are.

(SIDE NOTE, LITERALLY F•U•C•K THE SOCIALIZED BEAUTY NORMS THEY ARE BULL SHIT. A rant for another time.  😊)

So here I am. 

And, guess what?

When I see these photos, I see a strong, proud woman. 

I don't see a crooked nose,

or deficiency.

These photos were really healing for me to take.

Cheers to embracing and sharing our vulnerabilities. 

- - - 

Part of my work in modeling and just being a woman, is in embracing that which I have been taught is ugly, undesirable, disgusting, etc., 

because I want to be a role model for younger folks,

and help them on their journey to finding freedom through unlearning internalized social norms.

It is a huge reason why I have body hair.

I want young people (womxn, especially) to see that grown-ass women have body hair! 

I never saw any form of acceptance or love around body hair from the women in my life when I was young, and I wish desperately that I had. So I choose to be that. 

It's also a reason why I shamelessly speak about bleeding.

Because no one in my life talked about menstruation when I was growing up; and it is a beautiful thing. Nothing to be ashamed of. 

I want other women and young folks to see their noses—a huge hotspot in terms of how we judge attractiveness in this culture—and recognize them as beautiful. 

No matter whether or not you have a dorsal hump, or a big nose, or any of the other bull shit ways that we've toxically narrowed the qualifications for an 'attractive nose'. 

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

I LOVE YOU!

Embrace yoself hunnies.

Thank you for bein' here. 

Excited to share the other images I captured/am totally going to keep this trend up of self-creating during this isolation business. 

💓

Isolation & Chill

Tomorrow, I am going to take some Patreon-exclusive self-portraits!

✨

I am going to play with doing make-up and hair by myself (wish me luck) and do some Celtic goddess-inspired portraits that I have been marinating on for months.

In this time, I've realized just how important creating is to my well-being. It keeps me SANE. For real. My soul needs it. 

So even though self-portraits lack the alchemy of co-creating that is my bread&butter, I think it will feel so good to play and make art.

✨

I've said it before + I'll say it again—I love you guys!

Your support means the WORLD to me, and I do not for a moment take for-granted the fact that you are here and supporting me.

Truly, my heart swells every time I think about it.

✨

Hey! 

While we're here—is there anything that you wish I would do/talk about/post more of? 

Comment below. I'd love to hear.

Night-Blooming

Wow!

Can anyone else feel all the different layers to what's happening right now?

Anyone else overwhelmed af? 

I can feel and trust that there is a beautiful rebirth on the horizon;

and yet, I am still struggling with anxiety,

restlessness,

unceasing thoughts,

overwhelm,

fear,

grief.

We are in the void, the nebulousness;

watching our flawed, but known and therefore comfortable, world collapse.

We have no option but to surrender to it all.

I remind myself that this is an inevitable and incredibly important part of the cycle.

Seeds germinate in these dark places.

This is where life begins.

Death always leads to life;

though the form and the timeline are unknown to us.

That is the magic of this planet.

She knows what the fuck she’s doing.

And with intention + unity + clarity of vision about what is important moving forward, we can build a better world.

- - -

This moment is cracking me wide open.

You?

Last night, I let myself cry. 

HARD.

Like, my eyes are still puffy right now.

I let the fear and the current state of affairs touch my heart

and I wept.

I don't think we have, as an entire human population, confronted Death in this way before. 

All together, at once? 

That's fucking wild. We're in the thick of an unprecedented moment. 

We are in the middle of the burning of the phoenix.

We are waking up.

- - - 

I have had more vulnerable conversations in the last few days than I have had in a long time.

Really open, honest, and intimate conversations.

Crying and laughing and sharing from the heart.

Ohh, it's been so beautiful.

The upside to this moment cracking us open

is that we get to swim in the depths together. 

It is loamy soil for intimacy.

And most of us are actually available for it;

not rushing around or distracted. 

If anything, I will hold on to that 

as a very beautiful part of this trying moment.

- - -

Sending such big love to each and every one of you.

If any of you need someone to talk to, please reach out. 

✨

Also, this song just came on my Discover Weekly and I played it like seven times because it is beautiful and so calming. Worth a listen. 

Shit's Crazy Right Now

I want to preface this post by saying that I hold a tremendous amount of compassion for anyone who is directly impacted by COVID19. These times are scary, uncertain, disorienting, and for some, devastating. I am highly privileged in being young, healthy, able-bodied, able to receive PTO, having a warm/safe home to stay, and being able to pay for two weeks of groceries up-front. I understand that there are so many people who don't have those luxuries; who are suffering a much higher impact. 

I have also been receiving some personal downloads that I’d love to share -

 .・゜゜・:･ﾟ✧:･ﾟ・゜゜・．

The Earth is a creator. She is also a destroyer. This is her very essence. 

We have been living in a massively imbalanced paradigm.

We have been behaving as though it is, and will forever be, high summer.

Under the thickly veiled illusion of limitlessness.

Going, going, going.

Rushing.

Being "productive".

Using resources as though they will never run out.

Traveling excessively.

We have been highly irresponsible and straight-up disrespectful to this planet which has so graciously and generously hosted us. 

Now she is setting boundaries.

Natural disasters.

Pandemics.

Rising oceans.

Her medicine can be harsh & bitter, but we humans are not very good at listening to her subtleties. 

She is sounding alarm bells because she needs us to PAY ATTENTION.

TO WAKE THE FUCK UP.

We are being humbled.

We are being forced to halt our habituated ways, and find new, slower, gentler, more mindful ways to live.

Her call to restoring balance is for her, and also for us. We are not so separate. We truly are one.

As above, so below. As within, so without.

This earth literally functions and sustains on the innate intelligence encoded in her cycles, seasons, and rhythms. This concept has been fucking drilled into my being over the last year or so. Read it again. 

Winter, spring, summer, autumn.

Life, death, rebirth.

Specifically, we have been culturally denying the imperative nature of winter. of death. of rest. 

We are pompous fools to think that we can sustain perpetual summer. 

The roads that run through the land like vascular systems have been fucking polluted, congested, pumping like a constant adrenal state and She is fatigued. We are fatigued.

We need to be able to live with and attune to the cycles, seasons, and rhythms, that naturally maintain dynamic balance. 

and when we embody this balance, our impact on the earth becomes so much less. We harmonize.

This includes;

seasons: The warm seasons are meant to be highly productive; sewing seeds, preparing gardens, growing food, and harvesting food are the ancestral memories that come through for me, but this can also apply to other things. More activity, adventure, socialization, 'hustle'. But the cold seasons are meant to be spent in more quietude, solitude, and rest-state—s l o w i n g d o w n—which allows us & the earth to recover, regenerate, and replenish.

moon/menstrual cycles: In the New Moon phase, women and people who bleed are meant to rest and connect to the divine. But instead we plug and drug ourselves so we can keep showing up to our 9-5s in this incredibly Masculine-skewed paradigm. 

our circadian rhythms: We awake to literal alarms! We are meant to awake when our bodies have been fully restored and replenished through sleep. Our bodies know.

All of this to say; we have not been allowed to respect the fundamental rhythms of our bodies & the earth, in this paradigm. Specifically, our (rest/winter/death) phases. No wonder we are all strung out, stressed out, drugged out, and burnt out. 

Woooooosh.

The reality is, this paradigm has been crumbling for a while now.

Dying, for a while now.

This new paradigm; is both young, and ancient. We are cycling back around.

♾

I hope you are tending to your well-being, and hopefully also able to take some moments to rest during this massive shift.

Film Set by Maya Tihtiyas

Here are some film images that Maya captured on 35mm last summer.  ✨

It's been a while. In the last few weeks, I have

- dropped into my heart: I have been living in the very cerebral realm this winter, and have noticed recently that I am beginning to center back to the heart. More softness, more compassion, more attention placed on somatic sensation.

- moved into my home: I am in the process of moving, and it feels so good. To have a place to call my own. My goal is to become a steward of the land I am living on, to support the overall health of my little corner of the universe. Milkweed for monarchs; bluebird houses; bee-friendly lawns; permacultural food forests. (If anyone has any suggestions, drop me a line!)

- been super present in my life: I appreciate this digital world. So much. It has allowed me to make beautiful connections, and has catalyzed a lot of growth through such a wealth of wisdom accessible. But these past couple of weeks felt amazing, because I was focused on my community. I took care of dogs, puppies, rabbits, chickens, ducks, cats, plants, and homesteads for my friends while they traveled. Shared gorgeous time with my friends and their little ones. Roamed the sunshine-dappled forest, greeting the spring. 

Reading these over, they are all a call to home. To here. To now. To this body. To this place. 

We are often distracted. 

By these rectangular abysses,

by our own wanderlust,

by the lives of others.

But let us look around.

Look at the love and connection that abundantly awaits us.

With the land, with the community.

How are we showing up?

❤️ 

Ferns

I love this woman.

That is all.

🤍

Comodel is Brianna Fern;

Images by the talented Lance Bowen

Dark Moon || Unpublished February

Wow, this Dark Moon has been intense.

Anyone else feeling it?

I personally adore it.

It feels like I have been standing in the Eye as the winds strip away all that has been keeping me bound. 

Obsessive, cyclical thoughts.

Engrained habits.

Limiting beliefs.

Heavy, dense, unhealthy attachments.

All of which I have been untangling—for years.

Fingers arduously and painstakingly pulling at each knot

loosening them.

Maddening work, that keeps us in a state of hyper-focus and nearsightedness.

It feels so different when you take a step back and realize that that work is done.

I can let it go now.

I believe we have to spend time in that kind of hell.

If we're immediately trying to just let go without doing any of the internal work —it's definitely spiritual bypassing. 

As Carl Jung said, "No tree, it is said, can grow to heaven unless its roots reach down to hell."

We have to spend time in the roots.

We have to allow the noxious poisons and toxicity and venom to rise out of our deep wounds, if we actually want to heal them. 

This is so uncomfortable.

It is not light or love or rainbows.

It can be messy, chaotic, ugly, nasty, cruel, truly hellish.

And kudos for the people who can hold space for this feral state of being.

(Feral is a dangerous state of being; one in which we are more prone to lash out, much "like" a wounded animal. But it is a consequence of living in a society that teaches us to trap our inherent darkness/shadow into the furthest recesses of our psyches. We must become feral on our way to wildness. Wildness is not dangerous in the same way; it just is. I could write a whole passage about this; maybe I will. But I digress.)

The key is to not stagnate in this state of being feral.

We must allow ourselves to move up, and out, of the roots of hell. For our nebulous pain to transmute into deep medicine, to push up and flower out into heaven.  

I keep seeing an image of a woman emerging from the debris as it crumbles away, rising through the smoke and ash. 

And I know that woman is me.

Butterfly Days (Ellie)

When I was in high school, I had a boyfriend.

There were days when I needed more freedom and independence from the relationship, just to connect with myself and be present in my own life— he kindly called these my "butterfly days". (A very mature perspective for anyone, especially at such a young age.) 

I still have butterfly days. 

Days when I need to just fuck off,

not be held accountable to answering my phone,

disappear from my finely tuned / built world,

and feel utterly free.

These days are so important for my well-being.

Frankly, I'm not in a place right now where I want to feel like I "belong" to anyone but myself.

The gripping, the clinging, the expectations—all feel so heavy right now.

Like hands pulling me down to drown in the turbulence of their seas.

I am so appreciating the folks in my life

who can love me unconditionally, 

who support me in fulfilling my own needs,

respecting my own cycles + seasons,

without expectation for me to salve their wounds

or be on-call all the time.

Thank you,

thank you,

thank you.

🌌🦋

Evergreen (music video stills)

This winter, I was so honored to be a part of Matt Hartke's Evergreen music video, shot by the lovely Max Marshall.  ✨

The music artist, Matt, reached out to me, and told me that he initially had not planned to have anyone else in the music video, but when he was scrolling through Max's photography, he saw me and knew I had to be in it. 

I am noticing lately that I am both desiring to embrace my own personal magnetism, and at the same time, am scared to own it, to speak it aloud. Even as I typed the previous anecdote, I had doubt riddling my mind—"it's just a projection, he doesn't even know me", "this makes me sound conceited", "who knows how true that story he told even is". The flood of doubt comes to wash away all the confidence and power that I experience from the reflection of my own magnetism and vibrationally unique self. Upon reflection, this definitely comes from a place of being scared to fully stand in my power (a familiar hole that I have had to work/continue to work very hard to climb out of.) I love Janne Robinson's quote from I Am a Woman of Distinction:

"I walk with my head held high when I walk into a room because I know there is space for me in this world — however I may come." 

I love this quote because it reminds me to stand tall, to take up space, to embody the sensual, weird, quietly intense being that I am. Along with avoiding owning my power lately, I have also been avoiding self-narratives. Because I have been observing for a while now how toxic both of these things can be. I see people use both their power and their self-narratives to manipulate; to create blind spots, control the narrative/gaslight, and take advantage of others. I am breathing deep now knowing that those people are not me, and I am not them. I can use my own strength of soul and being for good, to bring in a new paradigm that creates a culture of more self-expression, more personal liberation, more collaboration, and more progressive, open, and interesting ways to live and love. 

Oooo, I am going to challenge myself. For my next post, I am going to write a self-narrative and see how that feels. 

Until next time sweet patrons  ✨ I hope you are all living fully alive. 

Olivia

I recently began a photography page, with the mission to capture moments like this: humans in their element, glowing in their sacred purpose. Everything about us softens and strengthens all at once, and our ethereal energies become fully embodied in our earthly forms. ✨

I truly do not think there is anything more beautiful, captivating, or magnetic than someone who is truly aligned and flowing. I believe we are all born with a purpose, and it is to be ourselves. It is not always easy to recover who we are, beneath the social conditioning, the fears, the wounds. But—find yourself. Dive deep into those dark waters, and find the glowing light that is you. Your primal energy, your wild crux, the beaming universe energy you were before you were ever hurt by this imperfect and wounded earthly plain. Nurture you, coax you back into the light. We need you. Not some neat, glossy, perfected, curated version, but the real you. The messy, dichotomous, raw chaos that is the symphony of you. 

by Mark Yaggie

My first shoot in a while —it felt good to come back into creating with renewed energy, and to do something a little different from the usual.