SpanishRed

There are No Shortcuts to Vetting

In the beginning, when kink is still new, you follow the widely followed. You go to event hosts for your kink education and K&P to learn about consent. Surely the kink scene knows who knows, so popularity is your best vetting tool. Party planners know everything, you know, so just keep doing those munches. Your scene leaders’ knowledge will enter you via osmosis.

Then a Fetlebrity on your following list is shown to be a fraud.
A scene leader violates your consent.
A host is ...

How to Dispose of a SpanishRed

How the Kink Scene Made Me Immoral

Yesterday, an alt-med practitioner posted a request to our local community board: Would someone please send him the details of the member who’d shared about her depression yesterday? He wanted to send her a month’s worth of free <insert random unproven herb here> but she’d posted anonymously. He needed her name. Thus followed 500 words of marketing screed about the benefits of <insert random unproven herb here> because this wasn’t an advert for <insert random unproven h...

Alternative Medicine

I Finally Put All the BDSM Consent Acronyms in One Place

SSC: Safe, Sane, and Consensual

RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink

CCCC: Caring, Communication, Consent, and Caution

CCCCCCS: Cuddly, Cute, Caring, and Communicative. Oh, and Colouring. AND CRAYONS SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’re the littles!

PRICK: Personal Responsibility Consensual Kink, mainly because we couldn’t find a grammatically correct way to turn PRICK into an acronym. Can you really blame us?

PRICKCICSST: Personally-Responsible Consensual Kink...

How's That "Clean" Label Feeling to You Now?

A few weeks back, a Fet friend asked the question, “Is there really a difference between COVID and syphilis?” They’re both pathogens that can be spread through sexual contact, so is the very idea of a special STI label puritanical? I stopped believing in Jesus when I learned there was a teapot orbiting the earth, so I won’t judge you for having the flu, and I won’t judge you for having HPV.

The STI acronym drags centuries of stigma behind it, so it has a certain judgmental tim...

So You Think Women's Best Defence Against the Patriarchy is the Patriarchy

There Can Be No Pretence Here in the Tears and the Sweat and the Cries

The standard Zulu greeting translates into English as “I see you.” I’ve always loved that little piece of language for all it says about connection. It doesn’t waste time with empty words. It doesn’t ask anything of you. It simply sinks beneath the flesh and finds connection there, and nothing characterises that better than BDSM for me. There can be no pretence here in the tears and the sweat. I see you. You see me, and we’ll never be oblivious to one another after this.

I o...

On Retrospective Consent Retractions

On Nice Guys

Assholes have a gift for making other people feel like assholes for refusing to play their asshole-ish games

An ex once convinced me to walk over the guard rail on a cliff edge. I was still having epileptic seizures in those days, so I didn’t climb ladders, let alone unguarded cliffs. I didn’t do anything that could kill me during a seizure, so I can’t tell you why I hopped over that rail that day. Maybe it was that he was my dom, and as such, I tended to think he knew better than I did. Maybe it was that he swore to keep me safe. Maybe it was because I felt histrionic for refusing to...

More People You'll Meet At a Kink Party

• I’m new. Was I meant to arrive with thumbtacks in my dick or are these staples okay?
• I’m also new and still think kinky people introduce themselves as fairytale characters at parties. I’m Cinderella, by the way. Show me your foot. <waggles eyebrows>
• Kinky people should only arrive at parties in leather and studs like in the old days when we had to craft our lederhosen from our own intestines while walking 10 miles barefoot in the snow. If you don’t own le...
  2024-02-19 04:47:58 +0000 UTC View Post

Why I Didn’t Use My Safe Word

Masochist’s Pride.

My pain threshold was low that day, and I felt I owed you more.

I didn’t want the scene to end.

I didn’t want to disappoint you.

My words got stuck in my throat.

I was ashamed that I needed to stop.

Everyone was watching, and they wouldn’t have needed a safe word.

It had been so long since we played hard, and I wanted to give you what you needed. I thought that I owed it to you to push through.

I th...

A Dudebro’s 14th Week of Being Single

Monday:

Checks email. Finds no messages. Eats a block of chocolate and watches Terminator 2 in slow motion for the seventh time this month.

Tuesday:

Peruses the local personals groups hoping to find a desperate slut who might be willing to meet for a totally nonsexual dinner date. Steals a nonconsensual hug from the dog. Drinks smoothie and feels instantly buff.

Wednesday:

Buys a pair of tighty wighties, then cries inconsolab...

The world’s normals know a few things about clinical depression. They learned them all on the day their hamster died

When you’re depressed, they’ll tell you that the sun will come out tomorrow, as though your life is an Annie film and your disorder comes from some mystical place outside of you. And they will be right: life can be an Annie movie, and the sun might eventually come out. That is the nature of this solar system. The earth turns, the sun rises, the clouds evaporate.

They just don’t do any of those things inside your head where your disorder lives.

Yes, the world’s normals know...

FOSTA

Things I Learned About Dating From an Incel

• You can totally buy sex with a burger. Dating is a bargain basement version of prostitution. It’s the cheapest way to get a shag.
• If you can’t buy her a burger, push her chair in for her. Vaginas are flowers that bloom when you hold doors open for them. This is definitely the cheapest ho you’ve ever bought.
• If you no longer want to talk to the Tinder match you sent a message to an hour ago, you’re required to break up with them in a detailed message. Divorce pa...
  2024-02-15 09:41:36 +0000 UTC View Post

Men and Contraception

I don’t care if Mrs Robinson taught you cunnilingus techniques when you were still in university.

First, understand me. Understand my body. Understand how it connects with my mind. I’m not a servant of my own anatomy, so no amount of technical skill will ever be enough. I don’t care if Mrs Robinson taught you cunnilingus techniques when you were still in university. I don’t care how committed you are to seeing every pussy-licking session through to the end. I don’t even care if you have skill or endurance. It’s not my body that responds to you. It’s my mind, so please take you...

Suicide

You Belong

Jay is like every other person at this play party: Trussed up in gorgeous kink gear with an entire suitcase full of toys. It’s your first play party, and everyone’s been here longer than you have. You know this by their bare breasts and wardrobe full of corsets. You don’t even own one corset, let alone a suitcase of toys.

Mary’s willingness to put her body on display is almost as impressive as her electroplay collection. You’re not like that. You’re not like any of ...

Sex is a Privilege, Not a Right

Having a sense of entitlement is a lot like living with an alien growing out of your forehead. We can all see it, even if you can’t. You should probably consider looking in a mirror, but you never do because you legitimately believe your own hype: That women owe you their bodies; That you’re entitled to a minimum amount of sex in this life; That if you don’t get that minimum, it’s an injustice humankind as perpetrated against you.

None of those things are true, forehead alien. W...

Entitlement

When a Man Leaves You in Increments

Stone Bait Doesn't Catch Fish

When I confront men about their lazy Fetlife messages, they always tell me they can’t use better pick up strategies. They have too many internet strangers to get through. They’ll only put in the requisite effort if they get a response. It’s like fishing with rocks instead of bait because it takes too long to use minnows. Of course, it’s the fish’s fault for not biting. Those salmon should just understand why you can’t spare good bait, and fuck them for their lofty standards anyway...

Sometimes You Just Don't Know What You're Into

Before 2016 dawned in all its glittery splendour, I used to write posts about why I wasn’t into rope. I was interested in the psychological elements of BDSM, you see. If a man needed to tie me up to get me to stop wriggling, he was doing a crap job at dominance.

Surely if he told me to sit in the corner and be quiet, I didn’t need rope to follow the instructions? Surely the sensation of physical bondage couldn’t compare with the sensation of mental bondage?

Stop silencing people who are making the kink community a more ethical place.

Every time I speak out against… well… literally anything, someone tells me there’s no point in bothering. Things never change, you see, so we should all just join hands and sing “kumbaya”. I’ve been around too long to believe that. I joined Fetlife in late 2014. I still remember the culture in those days. If you think the site is politically charged now, try travelling back in time.

2015 was The Year of the Brat Wars. Every week, our favourite brat couple would fill the top ...

A Note on "Gentle" Assaults

Not All Kink Mistakes Are Borne of Malice

I once loved a man who got his kink inspiration from his Fetlife inbox. BDSM was Christmas morning, and you could find a thousand play ideas under the tree. If you wanted kink, all you had to do was rip off the paper. My guy didn’t do classes. He didn’t even read educational posts. He dealt in easy sex with cheap and nasty tools. He seemed to believe my body was unbreakable, but if you want to know how that attitude plays out, ask the parent of any toddler at 20:00 on December 25. By the ...

Nice Guys