thehardtimes

Hard Digest May 6: Early Access Kim Deal, Rock of Love, Boycotts, and More

Kim Deal Learns She’s Been Kicked Out of the Pixies after Plugging in Old Fax Machine

By Maksym LaRouche

DAYTON, Ohio — Breeders frontwoman Kim Deal reportedly discovered today that she’d been fired from the Pixies after plugging in an old fax machine in her attic to see if it still worked, confirmed sources.

...

Hard Digest May 5: Early Access Sublime, Nepotism, Dad's, and More

Warmer Weather Briefly Turns Punk Into Sublime Guy

By Ryan Dondero

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk Steve “Vomit” Parker reportedly began his annual metamorphosis into a Sublime guy after temperatures cracked the upper 50s this week, sources confirmed.

“I don’t practice Santeria, but I do have a crystal ball I bough...

Hard Digest May 4: Early Access Parking, Masculinity, Cinco De Mayo, and More

Guy Listens To Entire Genesis Catalog While Waiting for Opportunity to Back Out of Trader Joe’s Parking Spot

By Courtney Hill

SAN LUIS OBISPO, Calif. — Local man Travis Anders recently listened to all 15 Genesis albums while waiting for a chance to back out of his parking spot at Trader Joe’s, fellow shoppers reporte...

Hard Digest My 3: Early Access Stand Up Comedy, Sanguisugabogg, and Vaping

Local Man Horrified and Disgusted to Learn All-Time Favorite Lead Vocalist Now Doing Open Mic Stand Up Comedy

By The Hard Times Staff

NEW YORK — Local man Peter Spearman was shocked when he discovered the frontman of his all-time favorite band Chaos Dissidents was doing low level stand up comedy around the city, equally di...

Hard Digest May 2: PBS Funding, Early Access British Rap, Avoidant Attachment, Marl Wahlberg, and More

Trump Justifies PBS Funding Slash With Claims That Sesame Street Is Sponsored by the Letters M, S, and the Number 13

By Zack Zagranis

Washington — President Trump took to Truth Social to defend his recent executive order to cut federal funding for PBS with a diatribe against the channel’s flagship children’s pr...

Hard Digest May 1: Early Access Drummers, Movie Villains, Music Videos, and More

Hardcore Drummer Kindly Asks Singer to Put Shirt Back on Since Being Shirtless Was Sort of His Thing First

By Char Byram

BALTIMORE — Corey Cruz, drummer of hardcore band Maximum Output, reportedly told lead singer Devin Altman to please put his shirt back on during a show, as being shirtless was kind of specifically his de...

MVP: Primus "Mr. Krinkle"

Primus is a weird band, weird people like Primus, and this video is weird. We break down everything you need to know about "Mr. Krinkle" for this week's installment of MVP.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOdo7dhvSwg

Hard Digest April 30: The Economy, Early Access Ghosts, Mussolini, Black Sabbath, and More

Trump Administration Argues Economy Only Appears to Be Shrinking Due to Cold Weather

By Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — White House Economic Advisor Peter Navarro aggressively challenged a report detailing the country’s negative GDP growth during the first quarter of the year, arguing that the economy’s shrinkage was only be...

Hard Digest April 29: Early Access Ira Glass, Tesla, Rowing, and More

Ira Glass Lookalike Contest Held at Yo La Tengo Concert

By Violet Cowdin

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — An Ira Glass lookalike contest was held at a Yo La Tengo concert this week, confirmed sources who weren’t sure whether it was better to win or lose.

“Yo La Tengo fans have long been known to be mistaken for executive produc...

Hard Digest April 28: Tool, Led Zeppelin, Starbucks, and More

Tool Announce “Lateralus Gold” Experience Where Fans Can Pay $10,000 to Massage All Four Band Members for a Day

By Tyler Roland

LOS ANGELES — Progressive metal band Tool recently announced the “Lateralus Gold” experience, which involves fans paying $10,000 to massage all four men in the band for a day, penniless...

Hard Digest April 27: Early Access Ashes, Lo-fi Music, and Cybertrucks

Dead Punk’s Scattered Ashes Poison Entire Ecosystem

By Doug Kolic

OKLAHOMA CITY — Scientists announced that the ashes of a cremated punk were so toxic that it would likely poison the entire local ecosystem for generations, according to nearby sources gasping for breath.

“We knew that these types of individuals were...

Hard Digest April 26: Early Access Jet, Sweatshirts, and Conservatives

Archaeologists Close to Uncovering Different Song by Jet

By Tim Sheard

MELBOURNE — Leading archaeology authorities excitedly reported they’re narrowing in on finally unearthing a song by Jet that isn’t “Are You Gonna Be My Girl,” skeptical sources confirmed.

“Despite decades of widespread belief that Jet o...

Hard Digest April 25: Early Access Rage Against the Machine, A Boy Named Goo, the Supreme Court, and More

Right-Wing Rage Against the Machine Fan Wishes We Could Go Back to the America That Existed When He Was Too Stupid to Understand the Lyrics

By Reuben Blanchard

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A life-long fan of the political rock group Rage Against the Machine expressed outrage that the band’s politics had changed from how he re...

Hard Digest April 24: Early Access Settling, Kid Rock, Anthrax, and More

Report: Woman Shows Early Signs of Settling

By MJ Elliott

BALTIMORE — A new report issued by John Hopkins University revealed local woman Cassie Maloney is showing early signs of settling for a partner that does not even come close to meeting her expectations, confirmed horrified sources.

“All of our evidence p...

MVP: TLC "Waterfalls"

This week Bill and Dan talk "Waterfalls" and tell you everything you have ever needed to know about this classic '90s music video from TLC. Also they talk about burning down Andre Rison's house a lot.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WEtxJ4-sh4

Hard Digest April 23: Riot Fest, Early Access Closing Time, Nardwuar, CEOs, and More

Chicago Teen Praying Riot Fest’s Lineup Includes Reunion of His Divorced Parents

By Shane Pauker

CHICAGO — Teenager Liam Mason is desperately holding out hope that Riot Fest’s mystery lineup will include a reunion of his bitterly divorced parents, sympathetic sources report.

“They haven’t confirmed...

Riot Fest Ticket Giveaway Update!!!

Hello Patrons, so as we mentioned yesterday we have two tickets to give away to Riot Fest and we want that pair of tickets to go to one of you.

Here is how to make that happen. Go to our post with Riot fest (https://www.instagram.com/p/DIy0Y8nvwJW/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link&igsh=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==) and leave a comment, anything really, it can just...

Riot Fest Ticket Giveaway

Hey Patrons, tomorrow we will be giving away two tickets to Riot Fest on Instagram, but we really want one of you to get these tickets. So comment on this post if you are in Chicago and want to go, or plan on attending Riot Fest in general. We will select a person at random sometime tomorrow.

Thanks everybody!!!

Hard Digest April 22: New Pope, Early Access Danzig, Dave Matthews Band, Parking, and More

Teens Vaping Behind Vatican Accidentally Elect New Pope

By Maksym LaRouche

VATICAN CITY — Teenage tourists, Ronny Brewster, 17, and his best friend James “Cobra” Mooreston, 16, inadvertently elected a new Pope after getting caught vaping by a dumpster behind the Sistine Chapel, Vatican officials confirmed...

Hard Digest April 21: Pope Francis, Early Access GWAR, Eric Andre, Botox, and More

Pope Francis Dies Rather Than Spend Any More Time With JD Vance

By Tim Sheard

VATICAN CITY – The Holy See Press Office announced that Pope Francis chose the calming embrace of death rather than experience any additional time spent on this Earthly plane of existence in the presence of United States Vice President, JD...

Hard Digest April 20: Early Access Kid Rock, Drag, and Retirement

Kid Rock Reveals “Questions That Don’t Have Any Answers” Line From “Bawitaba” Is About the Unsolved Riemann Mathematical Conjecture Suggesting That Non-Trivial Zeros of the Zeta Function Lie on a Specific Line of the Complex Plane

By Steve Packosky

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Popular musician turned right-wi...

Hard Digest April 19: Early Access Easter and 4/20

Trump Presents Verizon Wireless Easter Egg Roll in Front of Newly Renamed TD Bank White House

By Zack Zagranis

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump delayed the annual White House Easter Egg Roll a in order to allow time to thank all the corporate sponsors who are making the event possible, confirmed multiple sourc...

Hard Digest April 18: Early Access Weird Al, MAGA, Haunted Dolls, and More

Man Coming to Terms With Fact He’ll Never Feel Same Happiness as He Did Seeing Weird Al’s “Dare to be Stupid” Video for First Time

By Chris Bowen

LOCKPORT, N.Y. — Local 35-year-old man Richard Colburn recently came to the stark realization that he will never again experience joy like he did watching the We...

Hard Digest April 17: Early Access King Diamond, Cigarettes, Democrats, and More

King Diamond Hoping Nobody Notices His Latest Concept Album Just the Plot of “Hocus Pocus”

By Steve Packosky

COPENHAGEN — Prolific metal singer King Diamond hoped nobody would notice his eponymous band’s new concept album “Infernal Curse” followed the same plot as the 1993 children’s fantasy film “...

MVP: Pearl Jam "Jeremy"

There are classic music videos, and then there are CLASSIC music videos and this one certainly left a mark. Today on the podcast Bill and Dan break down everything you need to know about Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" video which healed the nation and no guns ever entered a school again.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS91knuzoOA

Hard Digest April 16: Early Access Stab Wounds, Music Critics, Trump, and More

Dude Will Not Shut Up About Being Stabbed Five Minutes Ago

By Peyton Cabral

TACOMA, Wash. — Local dude Grant Brentfield wouldn’t shut the hell up about being brutally attacked with a knife just a few moments ago, confirmed mildly inconvenienced sources.

“Like, we get it, man. You are gradually bleeding...

Hard Digest April 15: Early Access The Wiggles, Flags, Vegans, and More

The Wiggles and Raffi to Headline When We Were Even Younger Festival

By Shane Pauker

LAS VEGAS — Organizers announced that kids’ music legends The Wiggles and Raffi will headline the upcoming When We Were Even Younger festival, confirmed sources.

“Former scene kids bought When We Were Young tickets by th...

Hard Digest April 14: Early Access Stolen Gear, Taxes, The Cure, Sex Toys, and More

Marketplace Seller Firm on Price of Stolen Band Gear

By Jackson Chow

VANCOUVER, Canada — Facebook Marketplace seller Teo Aubrey Domingo was firm on his asking price for the stolen band gear he put up for sale, confirmed sources who wondered if he could just come down 300 bucks.

“I mean, it’s a pretty ...

Hard Digest April 13: Early Access Matchbox Twenty, Mr. Bean, Vegetables, and More

Scientists Develop Procedure Allowing Human Brain to Offload Matchbox Twenty Songs to Make Space for New Information

By Arielle Andreano

BALTIMORE — Top neuroscientists at Johns Hopkins University developed an innovative procedure that will allow the human brain to offload Matchbox Twenty lyrics in order to ...

Hard Digest April 12: Early Access Rap-Rock, Feminism, and Hulkamania

Right Wing Rap-Rock Band Releases New Single “Cop Kisser”

By The Hard Times Staff

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local rap-rock band Antagonyze released their latest single “Cop Kisser” which they say should act as a blueprint on how to appreciate and respect all members of law enforcement, sources close to the band...