thehardtimes

Hard Digest April 11: Coachella, Early Access Misfits, Vulgar Display of Power, MAGA Influencers, and More

Coachella Attendee Relieved Tariffs Won’t Impact Native American Headdresses

By Ben Friedman

INDIO, Calif. — Coachella attendee Kayle Cooper breathed a sigh of relief after discovering the Native American headdress she was going to purchase to wear all weekend would not be impacted by the Trump administration�...

Hard Digest April 10: Early Access Game Nights, Karaoke, Bassists, and More

Couple Has Baby to Get Out of Weekly Board Game Night

By Tim Graham

POTTSTOWN, Pa. — Sarah and Luke Fleming opted to have a child to serve to exempt them from attending any more game nights, according to sources in the family group chat.

“Game night sounded fun at first, but soon it became a drag,” said ...

MVP: Jane's Addiction "Been Caught Stealing"

This week on the podcast we break down yet another classic that is full of tips on how to shoplift from your local supermarket. So strap on your fake pregnancy belly, and big fake juicy butt, it's time to break down Jane's Addiction "Been Caught Stealing."

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrwjiO1MCVs

Hard Digest April 9: Trump, Early Access ICE, Crowdkilling, Dogs, and More

Trump Boasts Economy Much Stronger Under Him Than It Was Under Administration of 10 Minutes Ago

By Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump made the bold claim that his economy is “hugely much stronger” than that of the administration of about 10 minutes ago after a surge in the stock market due to the repeal ...

Hard Digest April 8: Early Access Les Claypool, Dog Breeding, ICE, and More

Les Claypool Finally Good Enough to Switch to Guitar

By David Britton 

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Founding Primus member Les Claypool finally reached a level of competence that will allow him to stop playing bass and switch to guitar, confirmed sources who thought he was finally ready to make the leap.

�...

Hard Digest April 7: Early Access Phish, Self-Improvement, Birthdays, and More

Phish Announces Plans to Sing 5 Words and Then Dick Around for 27 Minutes

By Jeff Bender 

HERSHEY, Pa. — Veteran band Phish announced their next song which would feature no more than five words followed by a “jam session” that could last up to 30 minutes, bewildered sources reported.

“Fans who fo...

Hard Digest April 6: Early Access Factory Owners, Amoeba Records, JD Vance, and More

Owner of Dimly Lit Factory Getting Really Sick of Nu-Metal Bands Sneaking In to Film Music Videos

By Steve Packosky

BAY CITY, Mich. — President of R&L Composites Inc. Stan Bratonski had just about enough of nu-metal bands breaking into his factory after hours to film their music videos, sources report.

Hard Digest April 5: Early Access Background Vocals, Elliott Smith, and MAGA Christians

Guy With Self-Esteem Issues Only Sings Along to Background Vocals

By Joe Rumrill 

MACON, Ga. — Local doormat Howard Logue showcased his clear lack of self-confidence by singing only the background vocals of a recent karaoke performance, sources hanging their heads in disbelief confirmed.

“Well, I know...

Hard Digest April 4: Early Access Guitarists, Storage Wars, Domestic Terrorism, and More

Guitarist’s Pre-show Warm Up Mainly Just Texting “No Worries” to All the People Who Aren’t Coming

By Wilson Conkwright 

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local guitarist and noted pushover Jackson Ermine revealed his customary pre-show ritual consisted of letting everyone he invited know that it’s alright ...

Hard Digest April 3: Tariffs, Early Access Day Drinking, College Professors, Jared Fogle, and More

Epstein Island Only Place Unaffected By Trump Tariffs

By Matt Husser 

WASHINGTON — As a flurry of new US tariffs continued to shake the world economy, President Trump announced the only place unaffected by his new trade policy would be the infamous Epstein Island.

“My great and powerful tariffs have f...

MVP: Buster Poindexter "Hot Hot Hot"

This week we pay tribute to the late David Johansen by covering the music video for "Hot Hot Hot" by his alter ego Buster Poindexter, a song he eventually called "The bane of his life." Enjoy.

Hard Digest April 2: Val Kilmer, Early Access Tattoos, Chicken, PornHub, and More

Val Kilmer, Star of “Real Genius” and My Confusing Sex Dream, Dead at 65

By Dan Rice

Today, the entertainment world mourns the loss of one of its most polarizing but respected figures. Val Kilmer, star of such films as “Tombstone,” “The Doors,” and a series of sexually confusing dreams I keep having, ...

Hard Digest April 1: Early Access Blink 182, Urine, DOGE, and More

“Enema of the State” Cover Art Only Thing Reminding Aging Punk to Get Yearly Colonoscopy

By Arielle Andreano 

FAIRFAX, Va. — Local aging punk Blake Feinstein credits the cover art for Blink-182’s “Enema of the State” as being the only reason he remembers to get regular colonoscopies, sources cl...

Hard Digest March 31: Early Access Venue Floors, Dolphins, ICE Agents, and More

Concert Attendee Gnaws Off Own Ankle After Stepping in Spilled Beer Sticky Trap

By Shane Pauker 

OAKLAND, Calif. — Concertgoer Seth Mosley had no choice but to chew off his own foot after it got stuck to the floor in a trap set by years of spilled Pabst Blue Ribbon, confirmed sources seen tip-toeing around t...

Hard Digest March 30: Early Access Dave Mustaine, Antibiotics, Mitch McConnell, and More

Dave Mustaine Urges Trump to Outlaw Bands Firing Their Best Guitarist

By Ryan Danley 

WASHINGTON — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine is petitioning the Trump administration to institute a new law to prevent bands from firing their best guitarist, headbanging onlookers reported.

“I don’t care what an...

Hard Digest March 29: Early Access Pinback, Movies, MAGA, and More

Pinback’s “Penelope” Nominated for “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” for 24th Year in a Row

By The Hard Times Staff 

SAN DIEGO — Members of the indie rock group Pinback celebrated after their song “Penelope” was once again named the “Best Song About Goldfish Ownership” by the American...

Hard Digest March 28: Early Access Beastie Boys, Israel, Love Island, and More

Aging Beastie Boys Fan Fighting for His Right To Have CPAP Machine Covered by Insurance

By Yancy Lee Crawford 

NEW YORK – Nearly-retired Beastie Boys fan Seth Duffy is currently fighting for his right to get a CPAP machine declared medically necessary by health insurance megacorporation Anthem Blue Cro...

Hard Digest March 27: Early Access Deafheaven, ICE, Perverts, and More

Goth and Metalhead Fight Over Who Gets to Shit on New Deafheaven Album

By S.L. Neechski

MILWAUKEE, Wisc. — Local metalhead Zach Schmidt and goth Brandon Cleary got into a heated slap-fight over who was entitled to whine about the upcoming Deafheaven album, “Lonely People With Power,” perpetually-bitter so...

MVP: Faith No More "Epic"

If you were looking for a music video that made Anthony Kiedis mad then we have good news. This week we break down the video for the Faith No More classic "Epic." Prepare to get wet.

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG_k5CSYKhg

Hard Digest March 26: Early Access Chicken Tenders, Drag, Sports, and More

Man Only Attending Music Festival for the $25 Chicken Tenders

By Audrey Vieira 

AUSTIN, Texas — Local festivalgoer Kyle Garrison confessed to buying ACL Music Festival tickets not for the lineup, but for his favorite $25 chicken tenders from the concessions stand, sources who smuggled their own snacks insid...

Hard Digest March 25: Signal, Early Access Bassists, Turnstile, Tattooed Parents, and More

Signal Updates Terms of Service to Forbid Users From Using Platform to Plan Deadly Airstrikes Using the World’s Biggest Military

By The Hard Times Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Developers behind the encrypted messaging app Signal updated their terms of service to forbid users from organizing and executing targeted mi...

Hard Digest March 24: Early Access C+C Music Factory, Jeff Rosenstock, Break Rooms, and More

Corporate Restructuring Leads to Mass Layoffs at C+C Music Factory

By Steve Packosky 

NEW YORK — A recent corporate restructuring initiative in adherence to a new five-year strategic plan led to mass layoffs at C+C Music Factory, disgruntled sources report.

“I’ve known this was coming for quite som...

Hard Digest March 23: Early Access Jocks, Rod Stewart, ICE, and More

Jock Who Beat the Crap Out of You in High School Suddenly World’s Foremost Expert on What Being “Punk” Actually Means

By The Hard Times Staff

VANCOUVER, Wash. — Your former high school bully, and current Washington State Trooper Adam Wisk, surprised veteran members of the scene by insisting he knows the t...

Hard Digest March 22: Early Access Butthole Surfers, Cargo Shorts, and Democrats

Butthole Surfers Harassed by Territorial Surf Locals Trying to Keep Favorite Butt Breaks Secret

By Matt Husser

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — The Butthole Surfers were harassed today by territorial surf locals that were reportedly trying to keep their favorite butt breaks secret, confirmed sources who have been search...

Hard Digest March 21: Early Access Emo, Youth, Trump Brothers, and More

New Bi-Partisan Bill Sets Aside Money to Train Out-of-Work Midwestern Farmers to Write Introspective Emo Songs

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives passed an increasingly rare bi-partisan bill that will set aside money to train struggling farmers in the midwest to write gener...

Hard Digest March 20: Depart of Education, Early Access JD Vance, Frats, Pits, and More

Department of Education Replaced with Giant iPad Playing “Bluey”

By Alex Vlahov

LEBANON, Kan. — The Trump administration announced that the Department of Education has been wholly replaced by a giant iPad playing a constant stream of “Bluey” under recent federal budget cuts, confirmed sources.

“You...

MVP: Van Halen "Hot For Teacher"

We've got it bad, so bad, because this week we break down the classic video for Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher." Listen with your parents.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M4_Ommfvv0

Hard Digest March 19: Early Access Trump, California Sober, Grindcore, and More

Trump Gaining Momentum Among 9-Year-Olds Whose Parents Suck

By Jeff Bender 

HAMDEN, Conn. — A new Quinnipiac University poll suggested that President Trump’s approval ratings hit an all-time high among nine-year-olds whose parents are total dogshit, scrupulous sources reported.

“Where were we four y...

Hard Digest March 18: Early Access Tre Cool, Voices in Your Head, Time Capsules, and More

Gruesome Evidence Suggests Ancient Green Day Fans Boiled Prisoners Alive Inside Bronze Tré Cool

By Jonah Nink 

SAN FRANCISCO — Pop punk archaeologists uncovered shocking evidence that ancient Green Day fans boiled captives alive inside of hollow bronze statues of Tré Cool, East Bay sources reported.

“...

Hard Digest March 17: Trump and Putin, Early Access Math Rock, Pizza Hut, Elon, and More

Trump to Meet with Putin for His 90-Day Review

By Ben Friedman 

WASHINGTON — Donald Trump announced that he would be meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss a number of international policies for his 90-day foreign asset probationary review, the White House has confirmed.

“We’re go...