funkmclovin

Act 1 Episode 2

For everyone :)

Homestuck Alternate Universe Act 1 Episode 2 Preview

Homestuck Alternate Universe Chapter 2

This version is without most SFX. Enjoy it early for Patrons!

It's up! Episode 1

Act 1 Episode 1 "Mail Folly"  Transcript [AO3]: https://archiveofourown.org/works/356...Transcript [MSPFA]: https://mspfa.com/?s=44187&p=20 TWITTER: https://twitter.com/BigFunkyJPATREON: https://www.patreon.com/funkmclovinMORE LINKS COMING SOON!  CREDITS: carcinoGeneticist: https://twitter.com/blenditwihRose: https://twitter.com/aCmusic27gardenGnostic: https://twitter.com/AltUniverseWasheveryone else: me lmao Artist: https://twitter.com/James_webcomics Homestuck: Alternate Universe is a re-telling of Homestuck in the format of an audio drama / audio book. It's written, edited, and produced by me, Jojo "Funk" McLovin. Homestuck and all associated characters belong to Andrew Hussie and Viz Media. Please support the official release.

A preview for patrons :)

Act 0 Episode 0

Homestuck: Rewritten

A preview for a prologue. A prelogue.

Enjoy, patrons.

HS REWRITE PEER REVIEW REQUEST 2!

I am looking for peer review on HOMESTUCK ALTERNATE UNIVERSE ACT 2.  

If you're interested, feel free to check out this, the first draft for Act 2 in its entirety.  

What I'm looking for: 

-Comments 

-Concerns

 -Questions 

-Critique  

What I'm not looking for: 

-Typo proofreading (lol)

 -Telling me how you think the project sucks 

-Critique on lack of images (there will be a visual component later on)  

Anyone is free to comment on the document in Google Docs OR in the new channel hs-rewrite.

LINK: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1wWnySJON0Rqx3dy_ogDAPZCR-t9czGwS 

Beta Kid Themes

A preview for Patrons.

"We didn't square the homestuck"

A shitpost

Rewriting Homestuck: LOST EPISODE

We TRIED to record Episode 13, but I got too drunk. About 30 minutes long.

Learn the secret cocktail of the podcast!

TW: Alcohol.

mysterious preview

what's jojo workin' on? 🤔

HS REWRITE PEER REVIEW REQUEST

LINK: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1d9dnOGSs2mTQvyx_UL9jmEcjO0KNrCpq

I am looking for peer review on HOMESTUCK REWRITTEN ACT 1.  If you're interested, feel free to check out this, the first draft for Act 1 in its entirety.  

What I'm looking for: 

-Comments 

-Concerns 

-Questions

-Critique  

What I'm not looking for: 

-Typo proofreading (lol)

-Telling me how you think the project sucks  

Anyone is free to comment on the document in Google Docs or in this Patreon thread!

a preview of an upcoming track

for you :)

Rewriting Homestuck Bonus Episode 2: Ancestors Part 2

AKA "Rogues Gallery of Shitheads"

BANDCAMP: https://funkmclovin.bandcamp.com/album/re-writing-homestuck

YOUTUBE:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOVvrdnGToXXm8QTPt7cOgxhUxlUusPwc

THE HOSTS: https://twitter.com/BigFunkyJ

https://twitter.com/AltUniverseWash

https://twitter.com/blenditwih

https://twitter.com/aCmusic27 

THE ART: https://twitter.com/g0atheart

[PREVIEW and UPDATE] "MORE Ancestors" Rewriting Homestuck Bonus Episode 3

LINK: https://youtu.be/E8aqP52ciGU

Full episode out tomorrow. :)

REWRITE EPISODE 12 PREVIEW

Coming tomorrow at 5PM EST!

Rewriting Homestuck Bonus Episode 2: Ancestors Part 1

Early access!

Feat. ArticulatelyComposed

EPISODE 1: https://youtu.be/g0iHRb2TbC8

EPISODE 2: https://youtu.be/gWyh9Sogbqk

EPISODE 3: https://youtu.be/yPDJtpntYHc

EPISODE 4: https://youtu.be/6Q1p1cwa9OM

EPISODE 5: https://youtu.be/GhdDd_VAugA

EPISODE 6: https://youtu.be/kv7fGQ_xj-k

EPISODE 7: https://youtu.be/-vU9icT3344

EPISODE 8: https://youtu.be/plAj96sxmos

EPISODE 9: https://youtu.be/Sx8usDxsxuI

EPISODE 10: https://youtu.be/lXGJw27co2o

BANDCAMP: https://funkmclovin.bandcamp.com/album/re-writing-homestuck

THE HOSTS: https://twitter.com/BigFunkyJ

https://twitter.com/AltUniverseWash

https://twitter.com/blenditwih

https://twitter.com/aCmusic27 

THE ART: https://twitter.com/g0atheart

Patreon Upload Schedule

10/6: Ancestor Bonus Episode 1

10/10: Ancestor Bonus Episode 2

Both featuring a special guest!

I wanted to do these on Sundays, but it looks like that's not in the cards.

Rewriting Homestuck Bonus Episode 1: Dancestors

Early access!

Feat. YoItsCro

EPISODE 1: https://youtu.be/g0iHRb2TbC8

EPISODE 2: https://youtu.be/gWyh9Sogbqk

EPISODE 3: https://youtu.be/yPDJtpntYHc

EPISODE 4: https://youtu.be/6Q1p1cwa9OM

EPISODE 5: https://youtu.be/GhdDd_VAugA

EPISODE 6: https://youtu.be/kv7fGQ_xj-k

EPISODE 7: https://youtu.be/-vU9icT3344

EPISODE 8: https://youtu.be/plAj96sxmos

EPISODE 9: https://youtu.be/Sx8usDxsxuI

EPISODE 10: https://youtu.be/lXGJw27co2o 

BANDCAMP: https://funkmclovin.bandcamp.com/album/re-writing-homestuck 

THE HOSTS: https://twitter.com/BigFunkyJ 

https://twitter.com/AltUniverseWash 

https://twitter.com/blenditwih 

https://twitter.com/yoitscro

THE ART: https://twitter.com/g0atheart

RE WRITING HOMESTUCK is now on BANDCAMP!

Episodes will air a day or two early on YouTube, but they will all be available on Bandcamp, for free with options for donation. You can also listen on mobile for free!

LINK: https://funkmclovin.bandcamp.com/album/re-writing-homestuck

I decided to place these on YouTube first because it's the most consistent monetization source outside of Patreon.

MIRTH! Is now available on Bandcamp AND Spotify!

BADNCAMP: https://funkmclovin.bandcamp.com/album/mirth

SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/album/1IScvskAhBJrrqFrqVWIxp

MIRTH! Preview

For the patrons :)

PREVIEW of LogicKing69

Art by: https://twitter.com/hareofhrair

Coming soon to Youtube 👀

Life Will Change 8-Bit

Same as the last 2. A bonus version of this one.

Life Will KK

Same as the last post. This one's cut off.

Life Will Change (Mario Paint Edition)

An unreleased version of the Life will change video just for you guys. :)

MALE TYPES

This is an early access Podcast, the audio version of a video I'll be making later, about types of Males, from Alpha to Omega! I'll be turning this into a vid on my main channel later on, but it's too good to keep from you guys.

Transcript:

Hey, fellow boymen malebros. It's me, logicking69 with another video about MANLY ISSUES and BOYMAN DUDEGUY analysis.

As a certified, Y-chromosome-having MALE with so much testosterone I could kill a family of elephants, I've done some deep, DEEP study into my fellow men, probing dozens, maybe even hundreds of men, just to find out what lies deep within them.

I'm talking of course, about the archytypal theory of masculinity. We've all heard of Alpha males and Beta males, and the rise of the Sigma Male, but what OTHER male types are there? Well fear not.

The ancient greeks, manly, strong, and erogenous as they were, identified twenty-four male varieties and named them after one letter in their famous alphabet. And when have the Greeks been wrong about anything?

So I, right now, in this internet video, will list every male type and their associated traits to help you, the male viewer identify which male type you are!

NOTE: WOMEN ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WATCH THIS VIDEO. THIS VIDEO CONTAINS DUDE-RAYS AND BRO-RADIATION. I REPEAT. FEMALES STAY OUT. IF YOU WATCH THIS VIDEO YOU *WILL* BECOME MALE.

With that out of the way- Let's get this train started.

Number 1: Alpha Males

Alpha males, are of course on the top of the Male Hierarchy, a real thing that actually exists. Years of scientific studies, that I'm sure are somewhere out there, have proven that Alpha Males have certain inborn and learned traits that make it okay for them to be huge jerks to women but still get laid.

Traits of the Alpha Male include: A strong, defined jawline. A firm handshake. Leadership skills. Sumptuous, deep voices. Broad hands. Strong, yet supple pectorals that are perfect for laying your head on. Powerful arms that make you feel safe and secure. And of course: Huge, throbbing... Sorry I dropped my notes. Huge throbbing brains.

If you see an alpha male in public, make sure to press your forehead to the pavement and kiss his sneakers.

Number 2: Beta Males

We've all met a beta male in our lives. Men who just don't have the confidence of their alpha brethren. These are men who stammer and avoid eye contact, who aren't sure of themselves, who project their insecurities onto others. Think Jerry from Rick and Morty- Or Morty, from Rick and Morty.

Traits of the Beta Male include: Cowardice. Fear. Terror. Emotions. A weak jaw. Body fat. Small hands. An interest in video games, but like, only if that interest isn't serious, like if they're not a twitch streamer or like a pro or something.

If you see a Beta Male in public, you're legally allowed to slap their ass one time with no legal reprecussions.

Number 3: Gamma Males

Gamma males are one of the new male types. You've probably met THIS type of man in your office or at work. He's completely spineless yet lacks a concept of his bottom-feeding place in the world. This is due to lacking a primary feature of a Beta Male, known as a "shame gland" that makes betas appropriately miserable about their secondary place in society at all times.

Traits of the Gamma Male include: Browsing Reddit. Browsing SomethingAwful. Knowing what a "NEET" is. An arts degree. A round, horrible face. Glasses, but not cool-looking ones.

Gamma males often come from wealth, so they can bypass the usual involuntary celibacy that all betas endure by having shitloads of cash to bribe fickle women into dating them.

Number 4: Delta Males

Delta Males are newly-identified type of male who have existed for years. They synthesize the traits of the Alpha and Beta together. They often look good and have great prospects for both women and finance (the only two things that matter,) but they willingly revoke their Alpha status in favor of what is scientifically referred to as "Simping."

Delta Male traits include: Texting. Using the phrase "If I were there with you what would you do?" Offering to pay for dinner. Having a secondary twitter account to retweet porn from. Getting ignored on Tinder in spite of being hot.

Delta Males form the primary income pool for Findom women online. It's likely this Male Type was formed due to the excessive number of Alphas proliferating in colleges and frats.

Number 5: Epsilon Males

Epsilon Males are another special male-type. Instead of a normal distribution of testosterone, all of their Man-Juice went straight to their brains, making them short in stature yet towering in intellect. Think Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson.

Epsilon Male traits include: Debate. Government work. Getting angry online. Crying as a strategy. Guilt. Chemical dependency. All-meat diets. And of course, falling for cults.

Epsilon Males, while pests, contribute an important part for society: Creating the talking points we can later repeat to look smart without having to research anything at all!

Number 6: Zeta Males

Zeta Males are Beta Males with no testosterone whatsoever. Due to lacking any and all boy sauce, they are forced into a horrid, decrepit life of emulating feminine traits, the most shameful thing to do as a man.

Zeta Male traits include: Self-identifying as "femboys." Arguing online if "trap" is a slur. Watching anime marketed to women and internalizing that as a personality trait. Having anime girl avatars and profile pictures. Being pedophiles.

Zeta Males can be found online, but most of their twitters are private or they have been deleted due to TOS infractions, so researching them is hard!

Number 7: Eta Males

Imagine a butch lesbian in a man's body. That is an Eta Male. They are what are known as "wife guys." It is a well-known fact that men, deep down, despise women, and marriage for all men is terrible and a curse. Not so for Eta males!

Eta Male traits include: Not reposting hilarious "I hate my wife" memes on Facebook. Saying the phrase "I love you" outside the bedroom. Wanting a family. Loving their children. Defending their wives online, no matter how irrationally their wives are acting. Carrying groceries. Driving a mini van.

Eta Males, while largely pathetic, have the best grills and raise the hottest daughters.

Number 8: Theta Males

Go to a local Facebook libertarian group and you're sure to find a Theta Male or two. Theta Males, while possessing ambition and drive, like Alphas, completely fail to steer their lives in any meaningful manner.

Theta Male traits include: Having startups that fail repeatedly. Having long hair. Smelling strangely. Arguing about the age of consent. Blaming labor laws for the failure of their business. Using their kids as free labor. Being "self employed." Having a bandcamp page.

Theta Males will blame their personal failures on chance, but happily take all the credit when chance smiles in their favor.

Number 9: Iota Males

The term "manlet" encapsulates the Iota Male. While the Iota Male is smart, charismatic, and even as strong as his contemporaries- He will always pale in comparison to them due to being in a lower weight class.

Iota Male traits include: Saying "size doesn't matter." Lying about his height. Squeaky voices. Overcompensating. Insecurity. Knowing a martial art. Going to the gym but still being under 90 pounds.

Iota Males, tragically, will never know the joy of being taller than a woman, which of course, is one of the most important things.

Number 10: Kappa Males

Kappa Males largely exist outside of the hierarchy. They come in many forms, but their lives are defined by deriving joy from external forces. They love weed and bitcoin and probably have a favorite band that they've seen in concert more than once.

Kappa Male traits include: Using Last.fm. Going on literature or music boards. Making video essays online. Following bands on tour. Graphic tees. Arguing about decriminalizing some or all drugs. Being afraid of cops.

If you see a Kappa Male, just leave it alone. It's as scared of you as you are of it!

Number 11: Lambda Males

You know that guy who made a house full of dolphins to try to be able to talk to them? Or the guy who locked mice in a big cage and let them just fight it out? Or the person who locked baby monkeys in with fake mothers made of wire and cloth? These are all Lambda Males.

Lambda Male traits include: Being creepy. Wide eyes. Being in boy scouts. Disregarding ethics in the name of science. Causing resonance cascades. Explaining what a Dyson Sphere is. Watching Star Trek.

While off-putting and weird, Lambda males generally are the reason we have things like penicilin and condoms.

Number 12 and 13: Mu and Nu Males

Mu and Nu males are two male types that exist in tandem with one another. Unlike other male types, their testosterone distribution is uneven- They are candles who burn out quickly. Early in life, they are the hyper-virile Mu Males but in their 30s evolve into the Nu Male, a defeated, husk of a male.

Mu male traits include: Marrying their high school sweetheart and having like, ten kids. Calling waitresses "sweetie." Grabbing their male friends and doing weird horseplay.

Nu male traits include: Balding. Talking about the "good old days." Having a scrapbook of his high school football days. Having some medical issue like diabetes or ED.

Treat Mu Males well, for soon their star will dim.

Number 14: Xi Males

What's that smell? Where are you? At Comic Con? At a Super Smash Bros competitive event? You must be detecting the unique musk of the Xi Male.

Xi Males eschew traditional hierarchies in favor of hierarchies they can actually rise in: Namely, Esports, Fantasy Football, or Niche Media Interests.

Xi Male traits include: Owning an all-access pass to anime conventions. Doing live reactions to E3 trailers. Knowing the names and button inputs of super moves. Early onset arthiritis. Wheezing. Being Discord moderators.

Try not to ask Xi Males about their smell- They will engage you in an argument about why it's unhealthy to bathe daily.

Number 15: Omicron Males

Most humans, not just men, have a gland in their brains called the "common sense hemisphere." This allows them to make sane judgements and understand the world. Omicron Males lack this, causing them to lack basic comprehension while still possessing high-functioning reasoning.

Omicron Male traits include: Believing the Earth is flat. Worrying about George Soros. Subscribing to the incels reddit. Formulating opinions about the Holocaust based on theories that involve aliens. Watching the History Channel.

Do not try to dissuade Omicron Males. It's best to leave them be.

Number 16: Pi Males

Pi males have exceptional intelligence but lack traditional manly traits. They are smart and quick and rise above all other people despite being underestimated. This, in turn, makes them cruel and isolated. For some reason. Think Walter from Breaking Bad or Rick from Rick and Morty.

Pi Male traits include: Being featured on the iamverysmart subreddit. Lacking self-awareness. Idolizing Elon Musk. Saying things like "tch" or "psh" without irony. Believing they can outsmart everyone around them, but never actually doing anything beyond getting a bachelor's degree in finance.

Number 17: Rho Males

Rho Males are Alpha Males who, due to not realizing their genetic superiority, live in constant fear of their Alpha Status being revoked. They often pursue macho careers and carry firearms and have comprehensive knowledges about one or both World Wars.

Rho Male traits include: Being a cop. Taking their guns to Wal Mart. Watching the show "Cops." Having a bumper sticker featuring the Punisher. Having a fallout shelter. Bragging that they could survive in the woods indefinitely even though they live in the suburbs.

While Rho Males are loose cannons and generally dangerous, don't worry! They usually find their way to the safest jobs of all: Ones in law enforcement.

Number 18: Sigma Males

What need I say about Sigma Males that hasn't been said? They reject hierarchy in favor of... Pretending they're outside of the hierarchy, thereby legitimizing it by existing as its negation.

Sigma Male traits include: Being in High School. Sitting alone in the cafeteria. Living at home. Saying the phrase "It's not a phase, mom." Being a school shooter.

Sigma Males are possibly the rarest male type, based on exhaustive research that I can't show you right now. Ask later and maybe then you can see it. But it definitely does exist.

Number 19: Tau Males

While Tau Males are away in the military, Alpha and Sigma males fuck their wives. Instead of pursuing masculine endeavors like fucking women and intimidating other men, the Tau Male prefers the company of other guys. No homo.

Tau Male traits include: Being in the navy. Being comfortable sleeping in the same bed as other men. Being the first to get nude in public showers. Being good at long range but not close-range combat. Manscaping.

They're not gay, though. They're not. They're straight. They're just dudes who like to hang with other dudes. So a dick goes into a butt sometimes, is that so gay? Shit happens.

Number 20: Upsilon Males

This male type is aware of the extent that we live in a society. They can be found retweeting or re-sharing memes featuring the grim reaper or the joker with some hard-to-read pointy font that points out some mundane contradiction or absurdity in society.

Upsilon Male Traits include: Wearing long jackets. Laughing sinisterly. Relating to Sasuke Uchiha. Owning Joker (2020) on Blu-Ray. Having a weird hot leather couch.

While irritating and offputting, Upsilon Males provide a key service to society. Probably.

Number 21: Phi Males

Phi Males are sleek and elegant, usually slender and somewhat artistic. They have an eye for the aesthetic and live lives of solitude.

Phi Male traits include: Being artists. Having a ko-fi. Having a commission sheet that everyone retweets but no one uses to commission anything. Having a third eye. Being slippery.

Phi Males can shoot beams out of their eyes, so watch out.

Number 22: Chi Males

Chi Males are wise and learned. Like Kappa Males, they do a lot of drugs, but instead of using them to supplement mundane lives, Chi Males tap into their innate powers.

Chi Male traits include: Long beards. Wizard paintings. Being into DND. Having acid flashbacks. Slipping into other dimensions and realms. Knowing what we may not.

Chi Males shall guide us through the coming days. Be wary. Be warned.

Number 23: Psi Males

Praise be to the Psi Males. All hail their designs. Love to the Psi. Glory to the Psi. Let them lead us through temptation to salvation and beyond.

Psi Male Traits Include: Praise be to the Psi Males. Male testosterone male boy man chromosome Y X boy man manly no homo not gay male type hierarchy. Love the Psi. Live a man's life.

Go thine own way. Soon we will be upon the day of reckoning. Praise be to Psi, obey Them and be delivered.

Number 24: Omega Males

...

Omega males are the only male type who CAN get pregnant.

...

THIS HAS BEEN LOGICKING69 WITH ALL 24 MALE TYPES! Comment down below what male type you are! Make sure to like, subscribe, and tickle my balls! Logic man OUT.

Dragon Maid Video Script and Audio

Hey, everyone.

At the beginning of this video I'd like to disclaim: This is my opinion. If you like Dragon Maid I don't think you're the vile spawn of Satan, if you enjoy this anime without thinking about the implications of some of the story elements, that's fine. This is a critique born of my own viewpoint and opinions, of a fan and a viewer like you. I'm going to be criticizing Dragon Maid pretty harshly so if you don't want that, do yourself a favor and leave now. Also general content warning for pedophilia.

In 2014 a manga artist named Coolkyousinnjya released the first chapter of a manga titled "Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid" in a publication of anime for young men called "Monthly Action," published by Futabasha. The first chapter was a mostly-innocuous story about a dragon named Tohru who happens to be a maid to a woman named Kobayashi.

The story begins with an explanation of dragons and more narrowly, Tohru, the specimen in question. Kobayashi and Torhu have an argument about riding Tohru to work and in the end they decide that Tohru is better off guarding Kobayashi's home, which she does against two burglars. The chapter ends with Tohru bragging about what a good job she'd done and confessing her love for Kobayashi, something Kobayashi shyly rebukes.

The premise of the original manga was a story structure that had been gaining popularity in manga, anime, and light novels in the early 2010s, the idea of taking a traditionally fantasy creature or being and placing them in a mundane situation. A reverse isekai with a humorous take- There are countless examples. The Devil is a Part-Timer, Gabriel DropOut, Saint Young Men, google the term if you want to find bucketloads more. But Dragon Maid had three unique features that made it more popular than any of its contemporaries.

The first unique feature was the fact that Tohru was explicitly a lesbian who desired a same-sex relationship with Kobayashi and it wasn't played for laughs, even though Kobayashi does invoke the famous "but I'm a girl" line. In a media environment like Manga, light novels, and anime, where same-sex couples are almost as rare as they are played for laughs, this was a refreshing, welcome thing.

The other two features, of course, were Tohru's tits.

PART 1: History

Like I said before, Dragon Maid was published in a so-called seinen publication, a publication for young men. In 2017 when it came time to adapt Coolkyousinnjya's manga into an anime, the tits were on full display. Tohru's other friends, all of whom seem to have massive tits as well, with the exception of the butler and the child, are also given the same eye-candy treatment.

Now. I like tits as much as the next person. Tits are great, and someone drawing art of tits is totally fine and cool. In fact I'd go so far to say that drawings of boobs is good, actually. However- Like any brassiere sommalier, we must consider the CONTEXT of the boobs- What SURROUNDS the boobs?

When I got into Dragon Maid it was 2017. I was balls-deep in a period of my life where I'd re-discovered my love of anime that had died back in 2012 when I saw Sword Art Online. I'd found the sign-in info for my anime planet account and I was ready to go, to search that old frontier of squealing multicolor-haired women, massive eyes, and fetish fuel.

One of my favorite Anime studios is Kyoto Animations, a studio responsible for timeless classics like K-On, Nichijou, Free, the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzimiya, and my personal favorite anime, Beyond the Boundary. I wondered what ole KyoAni had been up to, and in doing some research, I found the trailer for a sick new anime called "Miss Kobayashi's Dragon Maid."

Upon seeing the promo material (read: tits) I was hooked. As I said before, I was excited at the prospect of lesbians on-screen animated by one of my favorite studios. "Lesbian Dragon Show" became shorthand for the anime on Tumblr. I also liked the tits, naturally, so I began watching Crunchyroll's simulcasts of the new episodes. I even made a fan-blog with screenshots of the show where I'd post in-character as Tohru that got about 50 thousand follows. It was fun.

But as the anime went on... Something happened. See, I wasn't familiar with the manga at this point. I knew there WAS one, but I hadn't yet read it and as such I didn't know what lay in store. As time went on, my enthusiasm waned. I wasn't watching an anime where a lesbian couple adopt a dragon daughter. I was watching an anime where I was expected to become emotionally invested in the relationship between the ancient Aztec God Quetzalcoatl with huge tits and a ten year old boy. I was watching fetish fuel.

Again- Fetish fuel isn't bad in a vacuum! If you want to have a show featuring weird stuff that's fine. But the fetishes in question were like... Well.

PART 2: Pedophilia

I really don't want to do this to you guys. I respect your intelligences and I appreciate your viewership. So please accept my humble apology while I explain why pedophilia is bad.

Pedophilia is a psychiatric disorder defined as attraction to prepubescent children. This should not be confused with child sexual abuse, which is the active abuse of children, but the two things are bad for the same reasons.

Prepubescent children can't engage in sex for two main reasons. One, their bodies, by definition of being prepubescent, are not ready to engage in sexual acts. Two, they, being children, cannot consent in the same way adults can. It's impossible to understand what is being consented to when most if not all adults are in a position of power over you as a child.

Now, the DEPICTION of pedophilia and child sexual abuse as a fetish is... Less bad, I guess? Because instead of actually abusing a child you're inventing a child to abuse. This is still pretty bad because promotion of this behavior is understandably taboo in society because... Hurting kids is bad.

What does this have to do with Dragon Maid? Well, sadly, quite a lot.

Anime has a bit of a problem with underaged characters. There's a japanese word for this- Lolicon. Don't google it. The uncritical sexualization of underaged fictional persons goes on quite frequently, which is a topic for another time- Though I will say usually these cases are limited to one character, maybe two. Dragon Maid has four.

Let's take this case-by-case.

CASE 1: Kanna

Kanna is a lolicon character who is introduced early on in the series. She's possibly the most innocuous example of Dragon Maid's fuckery because she's not... Super sexualized? Mostly she's treated like a surrogate or adopted daughter of Tohru and Kobayashi. Even still, there are moments in the anime that sexualize her.

There's even a phrase that can be found surrounding this character for fans of the show that don't like when Kanna is depicted sexually- "Don't lewd the dragon loli." Most of Kanna's sexualization has what I'll call "loli deniability" where it's not technically explicit enough to make a comment on. Some people who do often get accused of being pedophiles themselves for noticing it. Calling someone a pedophile for being worried about depictions of pedophilia is textbook bad-faith reading though, so let's just ignore this.

Before we get into that, though, let's talk about the elephant in the room. Kanna is said to be seven thousand years old, which is often used as a way to excuse the lolicon aspects of many characters in media. As I've discussed, the actual age of characters has nothing to do with pedophilia. Kanna is pre-pubescent in all her depictions, both in physique and demeanor, so sexualization of her is pedophilic in nature. Even if being 7000 did somehow absolve this, there are aspects to her character that would still be an issue.

Namely, her relation to her school-friend Saikawa. Riko and Kanna become quick pals after Riko is initially jealous of Kanna's popularity. After this, Riko clearly has a crush on Kanna. Elementary-aged kids having crushes isn't bad on its own, but there are several scenes between them that cross the line. We as viewers clearly supposed to be invested in these two as a couple in an explicit sense. There's even a scene where Kanna pins Riko to the floor in a fashion that mirrors the "pinned to the floor" trope in many other animes. I'm not going to be totally bad-faith and say this is sexualization per se, but this is a situation where we're asked to become invested in a romance between elementary schoolers.

Let's not move on from Kanna yet, though, because there is a particular... Scene that features her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48LimWBjius

In the short "Love Potion" which is available on Youtube, Kanna discovers some chocolate that Tohru intended as a gift to Kobayashi. This chocolate ends up being full of liquor or aphrodisiac or something that causes both Kanna and Kobayashi to act... Bad.

If you don't get creeped out at an adult woman saying "this is weirdly arousing" about a prepubescent girl wearing thigh-highs and a miniskirt crawling on her- You're probably not getting into heaven.

Kobayashi doesn't actually end up doing anything to Kanna, but I don't think Dragon Maid gets credit for teasing lolicon instead of delivering on it.

Still- It would be in bad faith to say these examples are anything but fanservice teasing or that they somehow promote pedophilia. After all- Kobayashi does realize that it's bad to "lay her hands on an innocent young girl," and I doubt many audiences came away with the feeling that child sexual abuse is okay.

But don't worry! We're not done yet.

CASE 2: Lucoa

This is Quetzalcoatl, nickname "Lucoa" based on how Quetzalcoatl is pronounced in japanese. She's famous across the internet for looking like a Sims character created and dressed by a 15 year old boy.

On the Maid Dragon wiki, Lucoa is defined like this:

"She is a former dragon goddess and an old friend of Tohru who was exiled from her seat of goddess after consuming some cursed liquor that led her to enter into a scandalous affair."

What WAS that scandalous affair? They're pretty vague about it. Specifically, Lucoa got drunk and fucked her sister.

This mirrors Aztec mythology, where the mythological Quetzalcoatl is from, where ole Quetzal sleeps with his sister after getting drunk. However, unlike Lucoa, the mythological Quetzalcoatl locks himself inside a box and sets it on fire from shame. Lucoa never expresses remorse and never enters a flame cube.

So Lucoa, for lack of a better way to word this- Is a dragon sex offender. It gets worse, however!

This is Shouta Magatsuchi. Like Kanna and Riko, he is an elementary schooler, aged according to the wiki at 10-11. His name is a subtle reference to Shota, the male variant of Loli, which means being interested in young men, sexually.

Lucoa and Shouta have a... Dynamic. Talking about this is pretty tough, actually. Lucoa is into Shouta, explicitly. It's never stated outright whether this is sexual or not, but... Come on. She sneaks into his bedroom, sneaks into his bed, and smothers him with her tits all the time. To make matters worse, Shouta at the beginning of their interactions refuses Lucoa outright, showing embarrassment and even fear when she makes advances at him.

Saying this isn't shotacon or at the very least shotacon fan service is just disingenuous. It's textbook. The subtext is clear. I've seen people try to deny this by saying insane things like "he's just a big sister" or "things are different in japan," as though shotacon isn't a Japanese term. It's not a Japanese concept, pederastry was practiced in cultures as ancient as Greece, but it's certainly not something that Japanaese people have "different cultural takes" on.

CASE 3: Ilulu

The final case is the least explicit. I don't have much to say about this. In a show already filling a dozen cup sizes with big-titted characters, Ilulu is only special in that her size is disproportionate to her tits, unlike Tohru, Lucoa, and Elma. The word "shortstack" is often brought up, but many have interpreted Ilulu's size to be more pedo shit. I don't know. Anime portrays young characters' faces similarly to older ones' so who knows if Ilulu is supposed to be kid-coded. She's more mature than Kanna and her age is never stated. I don't know. Make of that what you will. Even so- The fact that it's hard to tell if it's loli or not is already pretty bad.

Frankly, I think Ilulu is... Fine. I don't personally have a problem with her, she looks as mature as Tohru is, she just happens to be short. Being attracted to short women with huge gazongas doens't make you a pedo, but at the same time, I can't in good faith say that the people who think she is lolicon are wrong due to the series she exists as a part of.

PART 3: Social Media

There's been a lot of argument about the series's problematic elements on social media, primarily Twitter, with a lot of misrepresentation on both sides of these issues.

This video at the end of the day is a critique, but it's a critique I'm making not to make some moralistic point about why Dragon Maid is actually evil and will make people who watch anime into pedophiles, it's to lament how an anime with a lot of promise and potential got bogged down with some genuinely reprehensible elements.

First of all, I want to address the social media reception to this series.

On the one hand, I do think there is a tendency to over-exaggerate the impact of elements of this show online. The critique "Ilulu can be interpreted as a lolicon character" gets transformed into "you're a pedo if you watch Dragon Maid," and that's an argument made in bad faith. There's a tendency for fans of the show to get genuinely confused when they see Ilulu, who, to them is a sexy of-age character getting moral backlash.

https://maid-dragon.fandom.com/wiki/Ilulu

In the discussion section of Ilulu's Dragon Maid wiki page, this cognitive dissonance is on full display. People who likely never had these lolicon connections occur to them discuss Ilulu as though twitter is simply critiquing her bust size and sexualization. "Why do people call her loli?" one user wonders. "Isn't she 19?" another says.

But to totally ignore the critique that Ilulu appeals to pedophiles is in just as bad faith. To willfully ignore the fact that some people do see her as a loli just because you think she's hot is burying your head in the sand. Loli is defined differently by different people and more importantly, actual pedophiles probably don't give a shit about her real age.

Really, this dichotomy is false. Both groups are reacting to a disgust with pedophiles and loli fans. On the one hand, the people who believe Ilulu is of age are disgusted with the proposition that she isn't 19 whereas people who critique Ilulu for being a loli are disgusted by people who don't see the issue. It's a fake argument. They both hate pedos, they're just on different sides of liking a character.

But ignoring the issue allows genuine, actual pedophiles to become comfortable in a space. The people who genuinely honestly believe Ilulu is a hot oppai loli sneak in and argue on the same side as the people who are feigning ignorance. If you want proof, just do a google image search. Or- Don't! You might get put on a government list.

What I'm saying, more broadly, is that burying your head in the sand about these issues and angrily denying any critique is to both obsfuscate actual criminals and to take critiques in bad faith.

There are problems with Dragon Maid. This much is undeniable. You can't erase that no matter how much you crusade on twitter and perform incredulity online. "Golly gee I just don't see why people get so mad! It's just big boobs! What's wrong with big boobs?" as though the issue is with bust sizes and not with universally reprihensible acts.

Or, put more simply. To ignore critique is to agree with pedophiles. And you're not a pedophile. You like a cute show with an earnest, kind outlok on life.

PART 4: The Good

A lot of what is good about Dragon Maid can be defined by the term "family." When we, as Americans, say "family," we likely think of the nuclear family model, IE parents and children living in one household together.

Dragon Maid depicts a modern family, but it also represents what family meant before the nuclear model was prioritized. The child, Kanna, is shown having a strong bond with not just her surrogate parents, Kobayashi and Tohru, but with her friends and other adults in her life. She's raised with a healthy, large group of people, from teachers to friends to anyone who cares for her. This is genuinely a beautiful dynamic. Similarly, Kobayashi and Tohru are tasked with the care of Kanna, but they respect her autonomy as a person without mandating her obedience or condescending to her. It's a setup of mutual trust.

This is all on top of the fact that Kobayashi and Tohru are heavily lesbian-coded. I say... Coded because Kobayashi isn't confirmed to be gay? Frankly this is a big example of queerbaiting, which I'll talk about later, but that queerbating doesn't erase the fact that they're two moms raising a kid.

They're not even the only LGBT coded couple in the show. Fafnir and Takiya also co-habitate and share a lot of things.

Also Lucoa is into yuri!

...

Every character in the show is shown to have some loose familial connection to the other, they've all settled down in their city and are making their way in life through cooperation. There's something very quietly beautiful about that, especially when Tohru's father arrives to demand that Tohru return to her old world with him and Tohru refuses because of how passionately she's grown to love her friend group. It's a found family that surpasses her abusive dad.

Another aspect that I enjoy about this anime is its emphasis on a realistic daily life of adults. So few ordinary life animes center around adult characters and seeing adults with jobs and responsibilities is a VERY welcome change from the high school setting that has become nearly synonymous with anime in general. You can tell this is written from the experience of a working-class individual who knows the ins and outs of surviving a modern era.

There is a queerbaiting aspect to all this, which I mentioned earlier. I won't say that Fafnir and Takiya are queerbaited because they're depicted more as bros even though people ship them, but with Kobayashi and Tohru, this is some pretty clear baiting.

I'm not going to get too deep into this because if I defined queerbaiting as exhaustively as I did pedophilia, this video would be too long, but queerbaiting is when two characters are often seen engaging in romantic activities but are never confirmed to be gay. This plausible deniability has many different purposes, such as dodging media censors in the best-case and deliberately stringing along queer people in the worst-case. In Dragon Maid's case I think it's a little of both.

On the one hand, I think the author genuinely wanted to depict a romance between these two. This is clear from how Kobayashi never really denies her affection in a way that doesn't bring her honesty into question. A lot of red-faced blushing and insisting she's not interested a little TOO hard. That and Tohru is just. A lesbian. Explicitly. She's Kobayashi-sexual. She's romantically interested in Kobes from the beginning of the manga.

On the other hand... Yuri. It's no secret that Coolkyousinnja also draws porn and it's unlikely that a seinen manga has a very... Charitable take on a lesbian relationship. In fact, when Kobayashi and Tohru DO have tense scenes, it's played for a fetish.

That doesn't mean that because it was written uncharitably that it's bad though. My personal opinion is that this dude wrote a charitable take on a lesbian household totally by accident, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy that. Death of the Author, yadda yadda.

You could also make the argument that Kobayashi is asexual. I've seen this take online, and while it is made questionable by how her asexuality is constantly challenged by Tohru, it is an arguable take and it would be cool to have some ace rep in a notoriously queerphobic media environment.

But wait- I LIKE Dragon Maid? There are good and bad things about it? I spent a lot of time dissecting themes of pedophilia and now I'm singing its praises??

PART 5: Why Bother?

The question becomes, in that case- Why critique Dragon Maid at all? Why critique anything? Do I hate Dragon Maid? Do the twitter people want to cancel it?

Outside of the specific things I've outlined- Dragon Maid is good. I'd go so far as to say it's like. 90% good. There are so many good things about this show. It's charming, it's cute, it's funny, and it's got some seriously huge tits in it. So if I like it, why am I bitching about it??

I can't retroactively delete Dragon Maid, even if I wanted to. It exists in the world and it can't be taken back. Critique doesn't exist to take away from Dragon Maid but to improve upon it. To find its best parts and address the bad so future anime can be better and so that the viewers of this video can have a better, more diverse sense of an anime they probably also like.

Even if you didn't personally feel uncomfortable with Lucoa sneaking into Shouta's bed, even if you don't get squicked out by Kanna crawling on a drunk Kobayashi, even if you don't think there's a single thing wrong with this anime, that doesn't mean those issues don't exist, it just means you didn't see them. A piece of art exists in the eyes of everyone watching it, and you're not the only person watching it. In the same vein, if you're some Twitter purity crusader, you should be able to see why the show is appealing, too. You should see the worth in preserving some of the things about this show that are worth preserving.

What I'm saying is we need to engage with these works not as either "good or bad" like so much of this debate boils down to, but we should discuss them as "what did we think of this?" We're not the judges of morality, we're not the jury who collectively decides goodness and badness, we're human people who all have a subjective interpretation of a piece of art.

Let's not forget though- A piece of art that features like. Light Child Sexual Abuse. And was written by a guy who makes child porn.

This part isn't a joke, if you look up his porn and saved any of it, you'd be guilty of an actual real crime.

Actually you know what? I take it back. Dragon Maid sucks. We can totally judge it morally. If you excuse pedophilia in this show you're as bad as they are. Get mad in the comments. Goodbye.

Pokemon Bestiary - Hoenn Script

Good Morning! I hope the last episode wasn't too much of a change. My son insisted on reading the Johto chapter. Next, we'll be leaving the Tohjo and heading Southeast to Hoenn. Hoenn is a tropical region known for its woods and water. In the shallow sea between Johto and Hoenn there are the remnants of the ancient landmass that once connected Tohjo, Hoenn, and Sinnoh, known as Decadia. As such, there are many overlaps in the species in these areas, but some major differences.

Hoenn is split into three main areas, all overseen by a different entity. There's South Hoenn, managed by Slateport and Rustboro and the Devon Corporation. There is the Greater Mauville area, or North Hoenn, watched over by the Mauville Collective, and finally, the Hoenn Ocean, run by the Hoenn Pokemon League. Unlike Kanto and Johto, there is less of a region-wide identity, as the terrain of Hoenn is both mountainous and hard to traverse, meaning communities are more close-knit. Still, there is significant development in the modern era, driven by the companies and collectives in the area, discussed shortly. In this episode, we'll cover South Hoenn and Greater Mauville, leaving the sea for later on. Off we go!

Let's begin in South Hoenn, in Littleroot Town, as it is home to the Hoenn Pokemon Lab satelite station. Aptly, this station is where much of the Pokemon Bestiary was compiled, as Hoenn's Pokemon Lab is responsible for researching Pokemon Habitats. Littleroot is in a wooded area, through which Route 101 cuts.

Route 101 is home to the typical terrestrial species in Hoenn, namely Poocheyena, Zigzagoon, and Wurmple. Unlike the greater Tohjo area, its species are less wary and more bold, Zigzagoon are known to enter urban areas to scavenge for garbage and Poocheyena attack travelers.

POOCHYENA

Poochyena evolve into Mightyena. They're dark-type and belong to the field egg group. They're common across terrestrial Hoenn.

There is a stark disconnect between docile Poochyena and wild ones. Domesticated ones are sweet pets and kind partners, but ones in the wild will bite. Do not approach ones without collars.

A similar story goes for Mightyena, but instead of a 30 pound canine, Mightyena is 80. On the bright side, domestic ones can carry riders on their backs.

ZIGZAGOON

Zigzagoon evolve into Linoone. They're normal type and belong to the field egg group. They have a galarian variant.

Zigzagoon are common in Hoenn, probably its most populous species. It roots around in garbage bins, so make sure to keep the lids tied down. They're unwary of people and since no large predators exist in Hoenn, they live uncontested. They run in a zigzag pattern to escape capture.

Linoone on the other hand, run quickly in straight lines. They're related to Furret. They're less common in the wild, but many new trainers keep them as partners. Hoenn's people carry pokemon more frequently on their person due to less established routes from town to town, so Linoone are common as personal protection.

WURMPLE

Wurmple have two paths. They either evolve into Silcoon to Beautifly or Cascoon to Dustox. This evolution depends on environmental factors. They're bug type, and Beautifly are Flying Type and Dustox are poison.

Wurmple are small worms who feed on grass and bark sap. They're eaten by bird pokemon, primarily Taillow.

Cascoon and Silcoon are similar, they're round and don't move much. This is an interim stage, similar to Kakuna and Metapod.

Beautifly have gossamer wings and feelers. They feed on flower pollen. They evolve in low-conflict environments and bring food back to nests. 

Dustox on the other hand, evolve in more harsh environments. They spread poison dust from their wings like Butterfree and Venomoth and keep predators away from Wurmple nests.

===

Oldale Town is North on Route 101, part of Petalburg Township. To the North is Verdanturf, but there is no route between these. Instead, Route 102 leads to Petalburg City. Route 102 has several ponds and small lakes, so species like Surskit and Lotad are common here, as well as more woodland species such as Seedot and Ralts.

LOTAD

Lotad evolve into Lombre into Ludicolo. They're all water-grass and belong to the Water 1 and Grass egg groups.

Lotad swim under the surface of ponds, letting their backs float on the surface and photosynthesize. They're fed by townsfolk with bread crumbs.

Lombre become bipedal and use simple tools. They are carefree, but like to tease fishermen by tugging on line.

Ludicolo are large and jolly. Their head-lillypads grow a shoot and they grow downy feathers. They stand about five feet tall and love dancing. Across Hoenn, they're seen dancing and holding signs. Large groups of them come out when it rains to party.

SURSKIT

Surskit evolve into Masquerain. They're part of the Water 1 and Bug egg groups. Surskit is Bug-Water type and Masquerain is Bug-Flying.

Surskit skims the freshwater lakes and ponds. It's fed on by birds and fish alike.

Masquerain are larger and more fearsome, their wings connecting to make an unsettling-looking eye shape. 

RALTS

Ralts evolve into Kirlia into Gardevoir. Kirlia can also evolve into Gallade if they are male. They're all psychic-fairy type except Gallade who is Psychic-Fighting. Gallade and Gardevoir mega-evolve. They're in the human-like and amorphous egg groups.

Ralts have not yet developed eyes. Instead, they move about using their psychic abilities. They're incredibly rare in the wild due to being very timid. They're mistaken for kids.

Kirlia are less hard to find due to their love for dancing. They're serene and sweet.

Gardevoir are popular in the Hoenn league due to the powerful bonds they can form with their trainers. They will protect their trainers to the death. It's considered cruel to abandon them, so choose wisely, as they are lifetime partners. Mega gardevoir is a bog-standard mega evolution, powering up significantly.

Gallade, similarly, bond for life, but they are more active in protection and much better offensive partners in the League. Their limbs extend, allowing sword-like combat. Their mega form makes this appearance more stark.

SEEDOT

Seedot evolve into Nuzleaf into Shiftry. Nuzleaf and Shiftry evolve into the dark type, but they're all grass-type. They belong to the field and grass egg groups.

Seedot are small and unassuming, burying themselves in nice dirt for nutrients. Watch your berry patches for these pests.

Nuzleaf are grown versions of Seedot, possessing a leaf on their heads. They enjoy playing pranks, but they're mostly harmless.

Shiftry develop a furry white coating and leaf-blades on its hands. They're often called forest guardians, but in reality, they're just territorial. Their fan blades can cut and blow in equally dangerous measure. If you spot a wild one, play dead.

===

Petalburg city is home of the first badge of the Hoenn Pokemon league, the Balance Badge. Unlike Tohjo, Hoenn's league is internally managed and is unrelated to their chapter of the PCS. As such, they are more competivie than other regions.

Before we head north towards Rustboro, let's explore the coast to the South. Routes 105 and 106 lead to Dewford Island, and contain common species of sea-Pokemon such as Wingull, Tentacool, Wailmer, and Magikarp. It's also the location of the Island Cave, a strange set of ruins of an ancient Hoennese civilization. Regice of the Regigigas family is said to dwell here, but evidence of this is tenuous.

WINGULL

Wingull evolve into Pelipper. They're both water-flying type and belong to the Water 1 and Flying egg groups.

Wingull have long powerful wings that can cross oceans. They prey on fish. A common sight in Hoenn.

Pelipper have massive mouths that can hold prey and objects safely. They are sometimes used to carry mail in Hoenn, as some areas aren't fit for Delibird.

===

{START HERE}

Route 106 is the coastline of Dewford Island, which is where Granite Cave is located. Granite Cave used to be a mining operation, but it was abandoned half a century ago. Now Dewford island serves as a port city leading into greater Hoenn. In Granite Cave, many species live, such as the unique Nosepass, Makuhita, Aron, Sableye and Mawile. Other Pokemon that we've already discussed live here, like Geodude and Zubat.

MAKUHITA

Makuhita evolve into Hariyama. They're fighting type and belong to the Human-like egg group.

Makuhita have a lot of mass. They're just three feet tall but they weigh nearly two hundred pounts. As such they're hard to knock down and defeat. They won't stop until they're completely exhausted. They train on Dewford island.

Makuhita are everything Makuhita is but more. They fight mainly using open-handed techniques and strong stances. They also love helping with any task that requires heavy lifting. They're used as guides and bodyguards.

ARON

Aron evolve into Lairon into Aggron. Aggron mega-evolves. They're Steel-Rock type and belong to the monster egg group. Mega Aggron loses Rock type.

Aron is small and cute and unwary to humans. This is likely because they're strong and hard enough that humans pose no possible threat. Even so, they're preyed on by some unlikely foes- Sometimes even Sableye. They're mineralvores.

Lairon gain mass and armor. They chew out massive underground tunnels.

Aggron have massive steel plate armor and bones made entirely of stone and metal. They're incredibly tough and powerful, their claws are legendary. Their only downfall is their sluggish speed, weighing a half-ton. They slowly patrol their territory and defend it fiercely.

Mega Aggron gains more plate armor and a foot of height. They are hard to train but they are massively strong.

NOSEPASS

Nosepass evolves into Probopass. They're rock type and part of the mineral egg group. Probopass gains the steel type.

Nosepass, like Geodude, is a small organism in an outer shell of mobile stones. Unlike Geodude, they have poor eyesight and very strong noses which double as an organ that senses magnetic poles.

Probopass grow a tuft of metal filings under its nose and use them to sense things. They might not be mobile, but they are very perceptive, more so than some psychic-types.

MAWILE

Mawile are steel-fairy type. They belong to the field and fairy egg groups. They mega evolve.

Mawile live in caves across Hoenn and use their immense flytrap-like mouths to catch prey. They can crush even steel.

Mega Mawile gain a secondary mouth and more power. They don't lack in raw power.

SABLEYE

Sableye are dark-ghost type. They belong to the human-like egg group and mega evolve.

Sableye are lovers of gems, as they eat and collect them. They even feast upon some rock-type Pokemon like Carbink. They live in caves and collect shiny objects, some stolen from humans. Other than their pranksterous thefts, they're friendly to people.

Mega-Sableye use massive gems to protect themselves and entrance foes. These gems have special properties and reflect damage.

===

Dewford sends ships to many towns all over Hoenn, but it's closest to Slateport, which lies east on the routes 107-109. Sea Mauville is also being constructed on this sea-route near the wreckage of an abandoned ship.

On the routes there are no unique undiscussed Pokemon, just more Wingull and Wailmer. In the abandoned ship, there are a great many species of this nature, too, and the construction site for Sea Mauville is off-limits, though it is affecting sea-habitats in the area.

Slateport City to the north on the Hoenn Southern Coast is a massive port city which most tourists see when entering the city at first. It's home to the PCS's Oceanic Museum, as Hoenn is home to the majority of Water-Type species. As many have noted, it has quite a bit of water! In a recent review of the Museum, one publication, IGN, the International Globetrotter's Notice, rated it 7/10, saying "Too Much Water."

North of Slateport, Routes 110 and 103 connect back to Oldale Township where we began. Quite a few Electric types live on Route 110 near Mauville City, which we'll discuss later. Electrike, Plusle, Minun, and Gulpin all live here, with Oddish and Zigzagoon also wandering about.

ELECTRIKE

Electrike evolve into Manectric. Manectric mega evolves. They're electric type and belong to the field egg group.

Electrike conduct electricity by running, most of their abilities using static electricity. They store this in their heads.

Manectric do the same, but their electricity is stored in the organs in the joints of their back legs as well. They're hard to see in the wild because they run so quickly.

Mega Manectric are much the same, but even more fast and aerodynamic. Their manes are nigh-deadly to touch.

PLUSLE AND MINUN

Plusle and Minun are electric type and part of the Fairy egg group.

It's surmised that Plusle and Minun were once a regional variant of Pikachu who developed over time into their present forms. They often travel in pairs and can be commonly seen in double battles across Hoenn. They aren't the same Pokemon, but there's little difference between them besides their appearance. Plusle has a positive charge and Minun has a negative one- Plusle stores energy, Minun absorbs.

GULPIN

Gulpin evolves into Swalot. They're poison type and belong to the Amorphous egg group.

Gulpin are small, their bodies mostly made of stomach. They can also open their mouths very wide. They're used by The Mauville Collective as waste disposal, as they eat anything and can metabolize it in their massively strong stomachs.

Swalot are similar, but they are more active and even eat prey. They sweat poison. There are competitions in Mauville City to see which Swalot can eat more trash. The winners get big prizes!

===

Route 103 leads back west and cuts across the Oldale River. A bridge used to connect these routes, but it since collapsed. Sharpedo are sometimes seen coming up-river.

Having covered South Hoenn, let's head north towards the Greater Mauville area, the landmass comprising most of Hoenn. In this region, two companies have been working hand-in-hand in cooperation to develop the area, leading to significant scientific and artistic advancements in Hoenn. The two enterprises are of course, the Devon Corporation, led by Steven Stone Sr. operating in Rustboro, and the second is the Mauville Collective, a science laboratory owned by the employees that operates throughout the region which was formerly known as Greater Mauville Holdings before dissolution into an employee-run collective.

First, let's head west to Rustboro. It can be reached by heading North from Petalburg on Route 104, a coastal route through Petalburg Woods. The woods contain a great many bug Pokemon and regional staples like Taillow, Slakoth, and Shroomish.

SHROOMISH

Shroomish evolve into Breloom. They're grass type and Breloom is fighting as well. They belong to the Fairy and Grass egg groups.

Watch out for Shroomish while hiking. They release spores when threatened which can cause problems from sleep to temporary paralysis. They cooperate with predators to incapacitate prey, but they are herbivores.

Breloom are quite different, growing arms and a more robust build. Its tail contains poison spores and its claws hide long, stretchy arms.

TAILLOW

Taillow evolve into Swellow. They're normal-flying type and belong to the Flying egg group. They migrate 

Taillow are common in Hoenn, across the nation. They're small and prey on bugs, but are preyed on by Seviper and even Mightyena. They are thought to have developed from a regional variant of Pidgey.

Swellow are more robust and rarely preyed on. They're common on League teams because their ease of raising and ease of use. They're powerful and strong and fly as fast at Pidgeott.

SLAKOTH

Slakoth evolve into Vigoroth into Slaking. They're all normal type and belong to the Field egg group.

Slakoth are nearly the opposite of Mankey. Instead of truculent and angry, they're lax and slow. They eat berries off trees and sleep 20 hours a day.

Vigoroth are the opposite. They're vigorous and excitable. They barely sleep and help trainers in industry.

Slaking are the final evolution. They return to their lax natures, lazing about in forests and jungles. They even get other Pokemon like Vigoroth to collect berries for them. They make up for their inactivity by their truly massive power.

===

As stated, north is Rustboro City, home to the Stone Badge of the Hoenn League. Devon Co. has their HQ here, and while that is interesting, let's move on, as they aren't the natural habitat for any Pokemon.

East of Rustboro is Route 116 and the Rusturf Pass. Efforts have begun to attempt to connect Rustboro and Verdanturf through a tunnel, but for now the only passage that exists is over the mountains.

On 116 there are many Pokemon like Nincada, Skitty, and Whismur. Can't forget about Abra, either, who are actually a benign invasive species brought here by Kantonian tourists.

SKITTY

Skitty evolve into Delcatty. They're both normal-type and belong to the field and fairy egg groups. They're mostly female.

Skitty is small and cute, preyed upon in the wild by bird types. Luckily, most exist domestically, pets of suburbanites all over Hoenn.

Delcatty are common in the Hoennese contest circuit. They're elegant and regal, if picky. They're soft and sensitive, and it's considered cruel to keep them in dirty homes.

WHISMUR

Whismur evolve into Loudred into Exploud. They're all normal type and belong to the field and monster egg groups.

Whismur have incredibly sentitive ears so they despise loud noises- However, they are very loud when enraged. Don't step on one.

Loudred are similarly sensitive, but loud noises no longer harm them. They love screaming, so they live far from Whismur, outside caves.

Exploud are even more massively loud, unnerving and upsetting foes with their incredible vocal flaps! 

NINCADA

Nincada evolve into both Ninjask and Shedinja. They're all bug-type, Nincada Ground, Ninjask Flying, and Shedinja Ghost.

Nincada are burrowers. They are preyed upon on the land so they dig under gardens and eat root plants.

Ninjask gain wings and lose their legs. They're quick and large so they're rarely preyed upon, instead making prey of other bugs- Even other Nincada.

Shedinja evolve from the discarded shells of Nincada who evolve into Ninjask- So in a way, Nincada evolve into two Pokemon. Shedinja are hollow and quiet. It's said if you look into the hole in Shedinja's back, you'll die- But in reality, it's just creepy.

===

Rusturf Pass contains more Whismur as well as Geodude. The pass leads to Verdanturf which is directly next to the mountain pass. Verdanturf is a famous tourist spot known for its flowers.

East of Verdanturf leads to 117 towards Mauville proper. This route is very flat and favored by several species that can be found only here, like Roselia, Illumise, and Volbeat.

VOLBEAT AND ILLUMISE

Volbeat and Illumise are both bug-type. Volbeat are male and Illumise are female. Like Tauros and Miltank and the two Nido siblings, they are the same species but a different gender.

Volbeat, the male variant, have bright lights on their rear ends and light up the plains-areas at night time.

Ilumise, the female variant, don't have lights, but they smell exceptionally sweet. They prefer Volbeat with bright lights as Volbeat prefer sweet Illumise. 

ROSELIA

Budew evolves into Roselia into Roserade. They're all Grass-Poison type and belong to the fairy and grass egg groups.

Budew are small and cute, but vulnerable to predation. They smell nice, too, so hiding is hard. As such, they remain underground until things are safe.

Roselia look serene, but when threatened, their flower-hands have massive thorns. Poisonous ones, too!

Roserade only evolve in captivity. They have hands under their rosy hands which they use to grab prey lured in by the sweet scent. They're deadly foes.

===

Mauville city is another stop which would make for a good entry in a tourist's guide, but since this is a bestiary, let's leave it at the overview. It's where the Mauville Collective operates and is home to the Dynamo Badge.

Continuing east, let's head down Routes 118 and 123. 118 leads through the Mauville Bay and contains many coastal species like Wingull, as well as Kecleon.

KECLEON

Kecleon don't evolve. They are normal-type and belong to the field egg group. They can change their typing, however.

Kecleon evade predators by turning their bodies invisible. They also have long tongues that catch bug pokemon from their invisible vantages. They're hard to find but a favorite among kids at zoos. Their skin can also change color and does so sometimes to reflect mood. They can't change their red stripe, however.

===

Route 123 is across the bay and is somewhat curious. At night, Shuppet and Duskull can be found here.

SHUPPET

Shuppet evolve into Banette. Banette mega evolve. They're ghost type and belong to the amorphous egg group.

Shuppet have horns covered by their silken bodies. It's said they feed on malice, but this is a rumor. They dislike the sun.

Banette's bodies are still silken, but they grow into puppetlike appearances. They unzip their mouth-holes to shriek and consume energy.

Mega Banette release their energy through their skin, revealing part of their true forms. They're a rival of Gengar.

DUSKULL

Duskull evolve into Dusclops into Dusknoir. They're all pure Ghost type and belong to the amorphous egg group.

Duskull have skull-like faces with a small light behind it. It is unnerving but it is friendly. If you see one at night, feel free to feed it some berries to use it as a lantern.

Dusclops are also unnerving, as they will grab people unexpectedly. They mean nothing like this. Its body is hollow and once they pass away they fall into a heap of cloth.

Dusknoir don't evolve in the wild. They evolve after exposure to an artifact known as the reaper cloth. The antenna on their heads can get radio signals! There is a lot of myth about Dusknoir, but they are kind, harmless, and gentle, but they do eat pokemon whole through the mouth in their stomachs.

===

North from 123 is Mt. Pyre, a large oceanic mountain rising in the middle of the bay. It's inert, but it contains a great many dangerous Pokemon. It has historically served as a Pokemon Gravesite, much like Lavender Town in Kanto. Inside reside several unique species like Chimeco, Meditite, and Vulpix as well as the aforementioned ghost pokemon Shuppet and Duskull. 

CHIMECHO

Chimecho evolve from Chingling. They're psychic type and belong to the Amorphous egg group.

Chingling are carefree and kind. They are the saviors of travelers in mountainous areas in Hoenn and Sinnoh. Their chimes bring relaxation.

Chimecho are also kind and sweet, floating about in mountainous regions. They're seen near temples and rest by attaching their head suckers to trees.

MEDITITE

Meditite evolve into Medicham, who mega-evolves. They are both fighting-psychic type and belong to the human-like egg group.

Meditite meditate. They are seen with crossed legs engaged in intense focus, finally unleashing their power when it comes time to fight. They fight their parents and pack-mates for fun.

Medicham seek strong fighters. They have incredible balance and can't be knocked over. They are used as demonstrations in yoga instructions.

Mega Medicham have four extra arms they use to defeat opponents more easily. They can't be beaten with raw power alone.

===

North of Route 122 and Mt. Pyre is Lilycove City, another coastal town known for its ports. It's the second-largest city in Hoenn and contains the height of culture, with the contest hall and the Hoenn Mall, not to mention the Lilycove Museum.

Before we head into the Hoenn Ocean, let's head inland on Routes 121 and 120. These routes are known for their incredibly tall grass and thick foliage. It's a tropical area, meaning plants grow in droves. Absol can be found here as well as freshwater fish like Barboach and Feebas.

ABSOL

Absol are dark-type. They mega-evolve and belong to the Field egg group.

Absol can detect disasters like earthquakes and hurricanes. As such they were once thought to BRING disaster, but in reality, they try to warn people. They're kind and serene, Hoennese trainers like them but they're rare.

Mega Absol are more powerful in a generic sense- Their head crests get sharper and they become fast. 

===

A pair of ruins lie here, too, the Scorched Slab and the Ancient Tomb, said to be home to Heatran and Registeel respectively.

Further into the Hoenn Jungle, Fortree City can be found, home of the Feather Badge. It's a fascinating place, where people live in intricate systems of treehouses. Even the Gym is in a tree!

Route 119 leads southwest from Fortree. The PCS Weather Institute is found here, as weather is quite unique here. Feebas and Barboach live here, as well as tropical specimens like Tropius and Castform.

TROPIUS

Tropius are grass-flying type. They belong to the monster and grass egg groups.

Tropius use massive fronds to fly around. They are lighter than they look- At six and a half feet tall they're only about two hundred pounds. The bananas they grow around their necks are edible and fall off every few weeks.

CASTFORM

Castform come in a variety of types depending on the form. They come in normal form, Sunny Fire type form, Rainy water type form, and Snowy ice type form. They belong to the fairy and amorphous egg groups.

Castform is used by weathermen in conjunction with meteorology to predict the weather. It is somewhat mysterious and has very little battle use, but it's kept in Hoenn in many households to predict weather.

===

Mauville resides to the west of the institute, so let's head north from there on Route 111. 111 leads into higher altitudes towards Mt. Chimney. The high altitude makes it very dry and less wooded than the lower-altitude Fortree area, even containing a desert. This dry, sandy area makes it a wonderful environment for Sandshrew as well as Trapinch, Baltoy, and Cacnea.

TRAPINCH

Trapinch evolve into Vibrava into Flygon. The line is Ground type with Vibrava and Flygon gaining the dragon type. They belong to the bug and dragon egg groups.

Trapinch are small and have huge jaws. They burrow into the sand and swallow dirt to draw in prey. They don't evolve in the wild.

Vibrava is a somewhat alarming evolution. It has very little in common with Trapinch, from jaws to wings to coloration. They evolve only after training. Their wings vibrate quickly to allow them to float.

Flygon are similar. Their eyes have a red colored shield that allows them to withstand the dust they kick up. They're iconic of the Hoenn Pokemon League. 

BALTOY

Baltoy evolve into Claydol. They're both ground-psychic type and belong to the mineral egg group. They have no gender.

Baltoy are made of soft clay and spin about like tops through sandy areas using psycho-operation. They're harmless.

Claydol are similarly made of clay and float about using psycho-operation. They follow humans through areas they occupy, but they never bother people unless provoked. Even though they're unnerving, they're not dangerous.

CACNEA

Cacnea evolve into Cacturne. They're grass type, with Cacturne obtaining the dark type. They're related to both Carvine and Maractus. They belong to the Grass and Human Like egg groups.

Cacnea are small and round, their bodies able to store large amounts of water so they can survive in harsh climates. They shoot needles from their bodies at predators. Trapinch like to munch on them.

Cacturne are notoriously dangerous, standing still in desert areas waiting for prey or humans to jab with spikes.

===

There's also a mysterious pair of ruins, the Desert Ruins, said to be home to Regirock. Again- This is tenuous. Rumor also says that one can find the fabled Mirage Tower on this route. It's a popular route with the Pokemon Lab due to fossils being easy to find here.

Route 112 is an area between the Mt. Chimney Summit and Lavaridge Town nearby. It contains some Pokemon more common in hot areas like Machop and Numel.

NUMEL

Numel evolve into Camerupt, who has a mega-evolution. They're fire-ground type and are in the field egg group.

Numel have humps on their back which stores hot liquids. They're used in Hoenn to traverse dry and sandy areas and as livestock that produce milk- Though this milk is less rich than Miltank's.

Camerupt have rocks on their backs formed from cooled magma. The rocks are safe to ride on. They weigh nearly a quarter ton, so watch out for stampedes.

Mega Camerupt have active lava flows on their backs, their internal temperature liquefying their rocky bodies. Don't ride them.

===

Lavaridge Town lies in a lovely flat part of the Chimney Mountain Range and is famous for both its hot springs and the Heat Badge. It's powered, much like Mauville, on Geothermal Energy.

If one wanted to climb to the Chimney Summit instead of taking the cable cars, they'd have to pass through the Jagged Path, a mountain route known for its hikers. Since it's very craggy, Pokemon who can traverse the terrain thrive, like Numel, Machop, and uniquely, Spoink.

SPOINK

Spoink evolve into Grumpig. They're both psychic type and belong to the field egg group.

Spoink do not have legs, bouncing on their springlike tails. If this tail breaks, they become unable to move. The gem they hold on their heads amplifies psychic powers. If they stop bouncing, their hearts become unable to beat.

Grumpig retain the bouncy spring-tail but also gain legs, allowing it to bounce or walk. Like Spinda, they move about confusingly to make foes uneasy. Even so, they're popular pets in the mountains.

===

Further up is the Summit, which is where Lava Cookies can be bought. One can also stare into the lava of the mountain's volcano! Though it is hot, the volcano is inert. The next eruption is said to occur in one hundred years.

Back down the mountain, if one wants to go AROUND the Mt. Chimney summit, they'd have to pass Route 113, which is down-wind from the volcanic ash. Masks are suggested to traverse the area. The volcanic ash is made into unique glassware in this area. Pokemon like Slugma, Skarmory, and Spinda live here, who can withstand the ash.

SPINDA

Spinda are normal type pokemon who don't evolve. They belong to the field and human-like egg groups.

Spinda each possess unique spot patterns. At first glance, they appear almost drunk, but their movements are intentional and while they move erratically, it's a way to evade foes. Watching them for too long makes you confused.

===

West of 113 is Fallarbor Town, a farming village. The dirt here is particularly fertile due to the volcano.

There are also several meteor impact sites around the area and Route 114 to the West. South on 114 can be found Meteor Falls, a less elevated segment of the Chimney Range. Seviper and Zangoose reside here, locked in eternal combat.

ZANGOOSE

Zangoose is the notorious enemy of Seviper. They are Normal type and belong to the Field egg group.

Zangoose are fascinating. They're highly resistant to poison and have been used for pest-control for years, both for smaller pests like Zangoose, but their arch-nemesis Seviper. Their tough claws and sharp teeth make toussling with the snakes easy, though they're herbivores.

SEVIPER

Seviper is the notorious enemy of Zangoose. They're poison-type and belong to the Field and Dragon egg groups.

Not only do Seviper possess deadly poison fangs, but they have swordlike tails, too. They can grow to be eight feet long and when starved, can swallow a human being whole. Even still, they're used ocassionally by trainers. In the wild, they're pests and their numbers are kept close track of by the PCS to make sure they don't invade other ecosystems.

===

Meteor Falls actually resides in a large cave system, carved out by sea-water. It is the ancestral home to the ancient native Hoennite people, the Daconids. Oddly, meteors crash here unusually often. It's said Lunatone and Solrock came to this area on meteors. Deeper in the mountain are also the pokemon Bagon.

LUNATONE AND SOLROCK

Lunatone and Solrock do not evolve, but they are considered in the same family of Pokemon. They're both Rock-Psychic type and belong to the Mineral egg group. They have no genders.

Lunatone and Solrock both use psycho-operation, an ability several Psychic Pokemon have where they have no muscle mass but move using psychokinesis. Other Pokemon who exibit this are Abra and Reuniclus. They both have no animated body parts.

Lunatone is nocturnal, having an affinity with the sun. They come out at night and appear to subsist on lunar waves.

Solrock, on the other hand, are diurnal, emerging to absorb solar power in the day time. They are warm to the touch.

BAGON

Bagon evolve into Shelgon into Salamence. They belong to the dragon egg group and they're all dragon-type, with Salamence evolving into the flying type. Salamence mega-evolves.

Bagon live in the craggy, hot areas of Hoenn and can be seen throwing themselves off cliffs- Worry not. This does not hurt them, since their heads are made of massive bone protrusions.

Shelgon are cocoon-like Pokemon who grow even more prominent bone growths, covering their entire bodies. They ram foes aggressively and are very tough and indestructible.

Salamence break free of their cocoons into dragonhood. They are adept fliers, their wings good for gliding and their aerodynamic bodies allowing them to fly gracefully. They're a common sight with Hoennese trainers.

Mega Salamence's wings grow to envelop its body and can even float in the air while stationary. They're massively skilled fliers, able to slice through foes with their wings. They're banned in the Pokemon League due to being deadly. 

In the wild, Salamence are dangerous and should be avoided.

===

Finally, in the Greater Mauville, leading back to Rustboro, there is the coastal route of 115. Swablu live here, preferring the high elevation and sea air.

SWABLU

Swablu evolves into Altaria. Altaria mega-evolves. Swablu is normal-flying, Altaria is Dragon-flying, and Mega Altaria is dragon-fairy. They all belong to the flying and dragon egg groups.

Swablu are fascinating creatures. Their wings are very small and there are long hairs attached to attract lighter-than air gasses they use to fly. This is why their flight looks more like floating.

Altaria also fly using this downy gas, allowing them to fly even higher into the clouds. It can be heard singing on rainy days and overall they have a relaxed reputation.

Mega Altaria are popular with trainers as they're easy to train and quite powerful. Unlike their mundane evolutions, they are able to fly very quickly using their strong tails.

===

Sadly, that is the end of this episode, concluding the discussion about terrestrial Hoenn. In the next Episode, we'll discuss the sea life to the east in the vast network of sea-routes in the shallow areas of the Hoenn sea- As such I've held off on discussing some water-type Pokemon for now, even if they live inland. I for one, cannot wait. Some dislike Hoenn's large water population, but I for one love it! This has once again been Professor Redwood with the Pokemon Bestiary. Until next time!