endlessjess

Full Gear Review (Part 1)

Lately i've had a lot to talk about wrestling-wise, more than i can responsibly keep up with in fact. Case in point being this Full Gear 2021 review that you're only hearing now. After this,  i have one for revolution also recorded, and you can imagine my horror at Wrestle-mania being just around the corner. 

This babbling, maniacal wrestle-rant was recorded months ago when Full Gear actually happened, close to the holidays. I drove up to my mom's for thanksgiving and by the t...

UFC 4: This Time it's Punchable.

That isn't the real subtitle. There is no subtitle because this is an EA game and EA is to creativity and fun what creativity and fun is to cynicism and boredom, as diametrically opposed as flippers and toes. The degree to which i enjoy having written that tells me my brain is melting. I think playing all these shitty free ps4 games has turned my mental health into mental hells. I'm gonna get some sun tomorrow. 

If i didn't know any better i'd say UFC stands for Unxious Fucking Cre...

Dirt 5

Your guess is as good as mine on this one. I don't know where it came from, how it got here, or what weirdo came up with it, but it's on my ps4 somehow so i had to play it. I assume it to have been one of the "free" games at some point, a "perk" offered through Sony's overpriced PS Plus subscriptin that gets more insulting and asinine every month. At least this one delivers what it promises, there are at least 5 dirts in this game, and some muds too. 

If you're wondering when and w...

MAXIMUM FOOTBALL.

This is a good example of a game that crosses over into multiple genres, on the one hand it's a "sports game", but on the other hand it's also a "heinous disaster", and a "putrid sin". Look, this... thing was on sale for like 2 dollars so i just thought it would be a funny piece of crap, which it is. But it's only funny if you're you, being me and actually having to play it was like pulling out nose hairs. I'm sure i've spent 2 bucks on worse things, i just can't think of any at the moment.&n...

Panel-Cast: 90s X-men Part 2 - JEEEAAAANNN!

The 90s X-men clusterfuck continues, i don't even know how many of these i recorded, considering the massive stack i had there surely must be more somewhere. This episode ended up being all about just one issue, cause it's a hell of an issue. 

X-Men #28, the ultimate example of why you should never neglect the long boxes in the back of the store. Searching through back issues is like spelunking, you find a lot of broken glass and beer can rings but every once in a while there's a g...

Visage 4 (of 5,000)

Jebus Crapping Crom i'm so sick of this game i'm running out of ways to say how sick of it i am. I hope and pray you're not as sick of my commentary on it as i am on the game itself because there's still an only-slightly less than infinite amount of these to go. This game is longer than Final Fantasy 1-15 combined and that's including development time.

This fucking hospital section alone has lasted longer than the goddamn dinosaurs did. I hate this game so goddamn much i can't even be c...

Pudding Cup and Blue Suitman

Hee hee fuckin hee, it's everyone's favorite thing, stupid Endless Jess characters! This episode features not just one but two of my patented freaks, both of which i'm exceptionally proud of.

You may recall the incomparable Pudding Cup from an old Rumble video years ago, well he's back, and he's gonna keep coming back when you least expect him. He's kind of a Christmas guy maybe but ye be warned that every day is Christmas when ol' Pudding Cup comes around, so there's really no preparin...

NMH3 Part 2: Stupidly Confused, and Dangerously ill

This might be the most Blue Glow episode of the Blue Glow yet. In these 30 minutes you will be relentlessly assaulted and pummeled by nearly every famous hallmark of my lets plays. A rapid succession machine gun blast of my typical tics, bits, cliches and quirks, such as...

- Not knowing where the fuck to go

- Screaming, farting and shitting

- Absurdly skillful freestyle rapping

- Making absolutely no actual progress

- Getting increasingly annoyed at m...

Panel-Cast: 90s X-men Clusterfuck

To me, my patrons. Whichever one of you said Panel-Cast, your prayers have been answered. So sit back, relax, crack open a cold, refreshing anything except Wendy's tropical fruit lemonade (because those abominations are 100 percent syrup and you're not 25 anymore), and enjoy the sputtering madness of me bumbing my way through a random stack of totally rad 90s comics, cause i'm gonna take you on a ride.

I pulled this audio file out of the swirling emporium of things i've recorded at some...

Talkin bout Hangman and Hook

For those of you who need that sweet me talkin about wrestling fix. Here's some thoughts for ya, from my brain to yours. 

Today i'm talking about the totally rad journey of the the Hanger, and the totally bad gurneys that people end up on when we send for the Hooker. 

Err. i mean, hooker like, cause he's hook. Not like he's a hooker. I'm not privy to that kind of personal information. I just know he beats people up. 

Booby Lady Time

Here's the part of the game everyone's been waiting for. The spooky castle with the big booby lady and her 3 hot juggalette daughters. These chicks want man blood which seems unnecesarry when they could just quench their thirst some good old fashioned faygo redpop.  But i forgot that's a michigan thing so it's probably not available in Transylefuckinlithuaniastein.  

Look, i'm well aware everybody in the entire world already got to this part of the game and reacted to it a hun...

Piss-Age 3, The Game is Still Pee

God, what is even happening in that thumbnail. Here’s episode 3 of 150 fuckin thousand of this Helly, smelly, interminable goddamn gump of a game. I’m already sick of writing about it, even don’t have enough funny ways to say poopy shit to analyze this game completely.

The only thing scary about Visage is having to play it. I’ve probably made that joke in every post about this game so far and i’m probably going to keep making it because it remains true then, now, and forever.<...

No More Heroes 3

A game so anticipated when it finally came out i forgot to play it. But then i remembered, and what do you know it kicks ass. I would expect nothing less. 

This game has the most insane opening of any game in recent memory. I've played every game in this series and i barely understood any of it, such as Travis's new gundam suit, and the fact that his cat talks now. Yes, technically some of that was probably established in Travis Strikes Again, which i vaguely remember. But that gam...

Groovy Tunes

Fuck i’ve been so preoccupied with other miserable shit this month i don’t know what the hell kind of wacky silly upbeat, hip, hoopy scoop of word soup to ploop on the plopper here.

I mean my brain is totally fried at the moment, i feel like a fuckin box of shit that got beat with a hammer and stepped on before being scraped off the bottom of someone’s fluorescent green crocs with a garden trowel.

You all know i’m The Convertible-Core Warrior, a hard rocking jukebox hero a...

Something special for you.

Here’s a little something I've wanted to do on here for a while. You’ve all been very supportive on here, so as much as I hate doing this kind of stuff, I figured it’s time I let you in on some things, fill in some details, clear some things up, and other vague terminology that basically amounts to keepin it real. It’s a super power of mine, just not one I like to abuse. Sort of like how Goku only busts out the kaiyoken when he has to because it breaks his bones. That was a pretty wee...

MAXX PAYBEEB

Let's end the year on something oldschool. Max Payne, baby. My man. Classic. Self-explanatory. I ain't gotta sit here and spin a bunch of fluff about it. You know the deal. 

I'm sick of writing these. It's New Years Eve and I want to get drunk and bang, so happy new year and merry Christmas too, or whatever the hell you celebrate. Thanks for another year of giving a shit about me, and if ya stick around i'll make it worth your while cause i got big plans. 2022 in the endo-jendo-ver...

EVILWHITHn 2PArt3 or OSMtihing

Yeah that's right it's all scary lets plays this month apparently. Not on purpose it just worked out like that. Call it Halloween on Christmas. There's a great big pile of scary spooky bullshit under the tree, and you bet your ass i got the wrapping paper with dinosaurs on it.

This was recorded a while ago and the editing just kept getting pushed back for other things. I'm finally putting it out now, mostly so i can play the game again, cause it's been sitting on my shelf all year and i...

Wrewoofs

Someone requested more of Re8, which reminds me i in fact recorded the entire game. So yeah, plenty of these to come. And if you've played the game, you know what that means.

You're gonna see titties. You're gonna see Boobies. with a capital B. You're gonna se some BIG. HONKING. BOZONGAS. 

GAZOOMZ.

MAMMORY MOMMY MILKY MOTHERFUCKING MILK SACKS IN YOUR FACE HOMINA HOMINA

AH-OOH-GA!

You're not just gonna see a big giant hot horny slut, you're also gonna see he...

Residentiv Ebils

Oh gosh, did you think the frightmare was over? Too bad. Tonight the frightmare is right there. Yeah, that's right. More Resndent Evil silliness. MOre silly voices and sounds from me, the guy who does that. Cool Stuff. Good Stuff. God Fun Video game love it me. 

Hot h0rny JIl Valntine , lookin mighty fine. wanna touch her fukkin titties and smak her on the behind

. oh crap skary zombee ha ha hee hee. . 3 spooky 5 me.  gee. I pee.  

i run around tha game and i ...

DOMESTZC BLISS

Oh hey, what's up gamers. I'm just sitting by the fireplace hanging out with a cool tree and a hot chick living that grown up life. Writing my outlaw manifestos, eating at red lobster once in a while, and wearing sweaters.

Oh don't worry, i assure you life is still a nightmare, so i'm still cool. I draw my power from the multitudinous ways my creator has cursed me. That's why i'm paying forward that promethean horror by creating my own tiny sim version of me, and watching him squirm on ...

Piss-Age Fart Poo - Even SMELELIER

I hate this goddamn game so much. Even editing it is a pain because i don't wanna look at it. Don't get me wrong, I'm hilarious, as usual. But that's no comfort to me, I was already there. So aside from saving you from a couple of unholy load times, you're getting this one raw, since i couldn't bear to re-live it 40 times cutting it into highlights. The whole thing is one long lowlight. 

This is the worst game ever created by man or beast. It had ...

Mussics podkast frum me car

Just rambling in my car about this big pile of cds I got. If it sounds like I have a cold, it's cause I have a cold. Or I got that newfangled made up omicron persei 8 shit, but either way the dayquill is kicking its ass.

This podcast is brought to you by my rad new phone that I didn't want but turns out it's pretty cool cause I can record poopcasts on it and upload it straight to patreon with this stuff called data. Damn looks like I've finally entered the year 2013. 

Either ...

Back to the past with Night Trap, baby!

Alright you little zoomer rugrats, gather round and hear my pointless, rambling old man story. This is Night Trap. Back in my day this game was infamous. Not Infamous the game, i mean an infamous game, as in a game that is infamously known for being infamous. Infamous for how shitty it was. It came out during the FMV trend, which was really only a trend because Sega had to market the Sega CD somehow and this was the only thing it could do that was even slightly impressive. 

I had o...

Harvest Moon (but not the good one)

By "the good one" i of course mean Back To Nature, which in today's hideously inflated retro games market goes for around 3 and a half house payments and a firstborn son. The N64 one is also good and i swear i had them both back in the day but clearly life has since taken them both away from me like it's taken so much. 

Most likely, this game isn't even that bad, and i'm sure some of you probably even have fond memories of it that are currently causing you to unpledge from...

Lord of The Rings Game (But not the one you remember)

The one you remember of course being the excellent Two Towers, and Return of The King movie tie in games, to this day some of the best licensed games around. But what do i look like, a guy that knows how to record gameplay from a PS2? What's that, i do look like that guy? Well looks can be deceiving because as i've stated numerous times, i have the technological literacy of a pet rock. 

This is some new-fangled Lord of The Rings game that's too cool to even have Lord of The Rings i...

I Loathe And Despise This Horrid Game (Visage)

As the eons march onward and my wizard brain grows ever wiser, more cynical, and less patient, i've come to accept a growing disconnect between myself and the "gamersphere", if that's even a term. I don't know what it is you weirdos value in a game but i don't think we agree on it. Case in point, Visage. A "spiritual successor" to P.T. which goes to great lengths to illustrate why the important part was the T. 

That's T as in Teaser. Teaser as in 10 minutes long at fucking most. P....

RE The Silly Man

Happy thanksgiving, here's a monstrously retarded resident evil video i made for Halloween and forgot to post. 

It's the blue glow, you know the formula by now. The question is not will this attempt at a normal lets play descend into complete babbling insanity and chaos, but how quickly. This one takes off going 90 and just keeps flooring it from there. When i'm 5 seconds into the game and already too busy contemplating the ways corn on the cob can go wrong to pay attentio...

Absurd Computer Woes - Part 2

I said there would be a part 2 of this, and as I am a man of my word, here it is. If you missed part 1, here's a link for ya: 

Part 1: https://www.patreon.com/posts/totally-absurd-56840938

My previous post on this topic, which i remind you wasn't even the entire story, was erroneously and foolishly deemed too long in the ol' word count for some readers to handle. Seeing as how that p...

I'm Batman Now.

I just recorded this last night, and i just 5 minutes ago ate what was likely some very bad beef. So if i die of meat poisoning or mad cow disease let it be known that my final task in this life was banging Harley Quinn and calling Joker a soyboy cuck. I think that's what Thomas and Martha Wayne would have wanted, and I vow to honor them with my never-ending crusade to get laid. Cause I'm Batman, and I'm horny for clown pussy. 

Psychonauts Glow

Every now and then i remember that someone finally made Psychonauts 2 and i should probably care about playing it maybe. I'll see if i can pencil it in just as soon as I finish Skyward Sword HD, No More Heroes 3, Metroid Dread, the new Pokemon Snap, Chocobo's Dungeon EVERYBUDDY edition, Turok 2, Breath of Fire 1 for some reason, and whatever else i've decided to currently be playing. Once all that rad gamer crap is out of the way i'm sure i'll remember to do whatever that other thing was i ju...