endlessjess

Scary Spooky Bullshit: Conjuring 2

Well my computer is currently held together with Elmer's glue and band-aids but at the very least i finally got it functional enough to put a video together with rubber bands and thumbtacks, and let me tell you, this is one functional video. Which is more than i can say for The Conjuring movies themselves, which are only functionally retarded. 

If you thought Scary Spooky Bullshit would ever die, then you are wrong so far. For as long as Halloween decorations and scary masks remain...

WRESTLING: AEW Good, WWE Bad

I've been getting a lot of requests for a wrestling podcast, so i did one. It's taking its sweet time to upload though, so come back in a little while, please and thank ya.

Totally Absurd Computer Woes

Last month i mentioned that i was having some computer trouble, and i want you all to know that you have my gratitude for sticking around and reading my text posts. So i figured i’d go into more detail about just the kind of cyber-fuckery i’m dealing with here, for your entertainment, and my need to vent i suppose.

A couple years back i had to temporarily put my computer into storage, and when i got it out to hook it up again suddenly it had acquired an unexplainable mouse lag. This...

DC Movie Mark Out 5: Superman 2

I'm sorry, give me a minute here. My cat is afraid of the thunderstorm and being very needy so writing these is taking a backseat to babysitting a frightened pet at the moment...

Okay i'm back. Lets-a-go. 

Superman 2

Superman 2 doesn't exactly come out of the gate blastin. The film begins with a long and totally unnecesary montage recap of the first film. One of the benefits of being a sequel is that you no longer need to devote precious reels to settin...

DC Movie Mark Out 4 - Superman (1978)

I've heard the 1970s Superman film spoken of with reverence for as long as I've been around, but somehow i ain't ever seen it. So, you know, I'm fixing that. There's 4 of these, plus a Supergirl one. I just finished watching the first two so here's a text review, since my computer is still being a butt and i can't make videos on it until i figure out how technology works. I've tried hitting it with rocks, yelling at it, even complaining about it, but so far nothing has worked, so i'll keep ex...

DC Movie Mark Out 3 - The Suicide Squad

The Suicide Squad

Good news everyone, this one doesn't suck. 

It almost feels redundant to attempt an in depth review of this movie because everything that needs to be said can be expressed by simply pointing at the previous suicide squad and saying it's not like that one.

The action is better, the soundtrack is better, the look is b...

DC Movie Mark Out 2 - Doom Patrol

Doom Patrol

Of all the live action series from marvel or DC, Doom Patrol is by far the weirdest and by even farther the best. 

Unabashedly proud of its own inherent comic book weirdness, and proudly taking inspiration from Chad sorcerer, Grant Morrison's equally insane 80's run on the comics, this show just doesn't give a fuck. 

Morrison's run on Doom Patrol was totally zerked to begin with, even for comics. But Doom Patrol balances this weirdness ...

DC Movie Mark Out - Snyder Cut

Holy second chances, Batman, this shit is da bomb. Dude, I'm serious. I'm dead fucking serious here. The Snyder Cut shreds.

I can hardly believe it, myself. I saw those other DC disasters The Zack-Man did, and they in no way prepared me for how jacked i am from this jawesome feature film.

i could have sworn those movies were butt-stupid and gay as fuck, but this one's so goddamned good it's got me reconsidering that opinion. i'm over here wanting to give those ...

Marvel Phase 4 Reviews

I hope you'll forgive a lack of video content this month, i'm having a bit of computer trouble.

I'll have it solved by next time but for now i hope you enjoy reading words on a screen, because i have no choice but to focus my vast authorial powers into some high quality text posts, woven from only the finest of literary silks and standing proudly atop centuries of esteemed journalist...

King's Thirst

Here's a song i did for a friend's submission show, the topic of the day being "water". Unfortunately i may have goofed it up, as it's demonstrably impossible for my ill communications to be anything other than straight fire. 

I figured everyone else would send in simple vlogs and video footage, so as usual i went above and beyond and effortlessly composed the dopest aquatic rhymes and the smoothest damn flow you've ever soaked your ears in. You're gonna sink into this groove and y...

The Pointless Adventures of Captain Fireman

Sick of me playing Dark Souls yet? Well tough tit, cause you haven't seen me play Dark Souls 2 yet. Or maybe you have, i don't really know. This time i'm a fireman character or something. It's all very wacky, probably. Or it's normal. I don't remember. I've played so much Dark Souls it all bleeds together into one formless, shifting, wasted decade, as if i spent the whole time dreaming, while slowly losing my humanity. Oh wait, that's exactly what i did.

Oh what's that? Dark Souls 2 is ...

Splatterhouse Wanpaku Grafiti (Namco Part 2)

Oh yeah baby, that’s right. This is what the whole thing was for. Splatterhouse, motherfucker. The most badass fuckin balls to the wall violent fucking horror-show of a game series there ever was. But this ain’t just any Splatterhouse, this is Splatterhouse…. WANPAKU GRAFITI. If you’re wondering what that random collection of sounds means i assure you, you’re not having a stroke. The reason it’s called those ugly sounds is because it’s a Japan only game, those guys don’t give ...

Namco Museum (Part 1)

You kids today, you think you know, but you don’t know. You brats ain’t even gamers. I’m a gamer. I a real gamer. An Oldschool Gamer. I’m the Oldschool Fool, cause Oldschool’s cool, but you zoomers wouldn’t know anything about that. Damn kids with your dikey haircuts, Spotify music service and wet floppy pussy songs.

This is Namco, motherfucker. Do any of you weeping, joyless, xannie popping Greta Thunberg wannabes even know about fuckin Namco? Do you stinking rotten little ...

New Super Lucky's Tale

Dude, have you seen this shit? Perhaps i’m just an easily impressed 90s boomer but boy howdy I sure do like games that remind me of mario 64 in some way.

Super Lucky’s Tale is a throwback platformer, a genre so depressingly rare these days it has to have the word throwback in it. Based on the review i sort of half-remember barely paying attention to, the game showed promise but also sucked turds and was ugly as butt.

NEW Super Lucky’s Tale is some kind of remade version with...

Magical Mystery Games

Alright, once again we are at the end of the month and once again my scheduled upload is taking a goddamn eternity with my assey-ass internet connection so once again i am forced to improvise. This is what i get for living in the woods and only coming online once a month to see if there's any new Princess Peach porn and also do my job I guess. 

Luckily i had this collection of merriment and mirth stored away as a contingency for just such a disaster. When it comes to backup pl...

Me Likey Virtua Fighter

Crap I love virtua fighter so much i don't even know what to write here. Give me a minute I'll think of something...

Well i can't think of anything silly at the moment and i also don't feel like it, so i'm gonna use my other secret weapon, just writing from the heart and not overthinkin it, bro. 

There's something special about Virtua Fighter and i can't put my finger on it. Some kind of weird timelessness. It was the first 3d fighting game and even all this time later it sti...

Tony Hawk High Score Get!

Hey. Did you know I'm the best at Tony Hawk? Well, like 3000th best, apparently. But that's still pretty good. Look, I'm better at it than you, that's all that matters. 

The point is I love Tony Hawk. You love watching me play Tony Hawk. What more could anyone possibly want. I may not have dethroned the esteemed Mr. xSPiTFiRe77 today, but i will. Every day i get closer. I'm closing in on his wonderbolt ass, sneaking up the leaderboards from behind like Grima Wormtongue, he's not go...

Buff Movie Buffs Watch Mortal Kombat (1995)

*Edit* I don't know why the link in the thumbnail isn't working, try this one. 

https://www.bitchute.com/video/XpeIfjAZnT8f/

The Buff Movie Buffs are back to rip-ass and riff on the ass-kickinist flick that ever kicked, Mortal Kombat. The real Mortal Kombat, not the crappy new one. God, this movie rules. Join us as we partake in the three greatest vices, o...

What The Hell Is Starseed Pilgrim?

Oh gosh, wowie zowie, it's Starseed Pilgrim. What is there to say about Starseed Pilgrim? I genuinely don't know. Just look at it. What the hell is it? What is the goal? What is the AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH fuck that sentence I Don'T eVeN Care about this paragraph. 

THIS GAME IS COOL. I liEK it. I think its rad. I dont understand it. I dont know how to even play it let alone win it but i dont care. God i hope you like it. The video i mean, i dont care if you like the game...

Rambling Fool Reviews Ran

Damn dog, you ever watch movies? Sometimes i watch movies. Sometimes i even do drugs. And sometimes, late at night, when i'm sufficiently inebriated on reptile slime, i decide to babble incoherently into a microphone after the movie ends, and bullshit my way through some rambling stream of consciousness that in some ways can be loosely called a review, the same way James Joyce's rambling fart letters are sometimes called novels. 

It's a reflex at this point. I've spent so many sham...

Resident Evil 8

This piece of shit took all fucking day to upload. I'm sitting in Starbucks tired as hell and my goddamn eyes feel like they're getting squozed by Krumm. If you don't get the reference you're not a true 90s kid and i ain't gonna hold your stinking hand explaining it to you. Sorry, i'm cranky as SHIT and FUCKED out of my shitting MIND. 

Oh my god i'm in hell. Fuck. Okay, gonna pull it together and give you a text post to remember. Here goes. 

Reisdnet Efvil 8 is a game i ...

The Man In The Woods

I choose not to over-explain this piece. I feel it speaks for itself, and i shan't provide any further context here, except to say it's but one piece of a larger upcoming project, and should be regarded as a sneak peak, which you're only getting because the actual video i had planned for this month shat the bed. 

The video i had scheduled for this post (a rather hilarious Buff Movie Buffs commentary) took a full day to upload, was immediately blocked worldwide for copyright, and th...

Scary Lady Makes Me Crap Myself and Die.

Well, I hope you like The Evil Within 2 because here's more of it. I generally prefer not to post more than one episode of a series in the same month, but as usual i vastly overestimated the upload speed in this dump, and so my cool rambling movie review is taking it's sweet time to be viewable. So viewer beware, you're in for a scare. 

Two spooks in one month, i hope you're brave enough to withstand such relentless terror because i'd hate to find out that i'd accidentally Samara'd...

Ay Mon It's me, Sebastian!

It's The Evil Within 2, which is like The Evil Within 1 but good. Some series take a few tries to find their footing, so the Evil Within 2 is like The Clock Tower 3 of 2's, or The Final Fantasy 4's of Evil Withins. 

As this series continues, the timeline of just what the hell i'm playing and when is probably going to get confusing, because i bounce back and forth between the first and second game. The result of this haphazard progression is you get to witness the evil within my own...

Another Accursed Booze Quest

I don't know what's more cursed, this show.... or me, with this show. 

This episode in particular falls into a very specific sub-genre of my content. The "i clearly did not feel at all up to being charismatic or funny tonight but damn it, it's my job so we'll just roll camera until i either ramble, bumble, stumble, or stink my way into doing or being something sufficiently entertaining... or drink my way there."

That's not the official name for it, i'll have to think of somet...

Doin' Crimes and Eatin Limes

I told you there would be more of this madness. This villain is gonna keep on shocking the system and no one can do a damn thing about it. Not the Super Friends, not the Justice League, not even Zach Snyder's Justice League, which has all the powers of both. 

My limey loony crime spree is just getting sharted. They never caught the Sushi Swine and they'll never catch The Jester either, and don't even get your hopes up about apprehending the Uni-Bastard. I'm like the 3 faces of Fole...

Diaper-Brained Console Baby Bamboozled By Balders Gate

Sorry if this is too many lets plays back to back for your liking, the goddamn beer quest upload is taking too long.

Here is a game i've always wanted to play... and immediately suck at. For those rightfully offended and horrified at my utter refusal to learn the mechanics of anything more complex than Pokemon Puzzle League, trust me when i say you'll understand when you get to be my age. I'm old, and set in my ways. I didn't have a chance to learn this game when i was a child with time...

Something Something Crash 4

Ay yo, dis video features an unexpectedly loud joke at around 3 minutes in so take off dem headphones, cousin. But enough about that, here's some other words. 

It's Crash 4, baby. I haven't played enough to review it, but it's obviously good, so here's a video of me sucking at it and saying it sucks. Heh heh, I love how cool I am. 

Okay I'm sick of typing and have nothing further to say on this matter. You know what Crash Bandicoot is, i hope. It's late and i ...

Falling In Love with Samurai Showdown

Y'all messed up. No one told me that Samurai Showdown is cool as heck and kicks flippin dickity shit. 

The fighting game genre is capable of great highs, particularly in one's youth. The fun of these games is always in community. If you have a friend who's into the game as well, you both get good and your battles become one of the purest experiences you can have as a human. 

But inevitably you will get older and spend more time alone. Friends may fall out or simply drift...

I'm Too Foolish For This Scary Game

I recently began playing this totally rad and cool game called The Evil Within 2, only to learn that the 2 was not a purely aesthetic affectation and there was in fact an Evil Within 1. Upon learning this i foolishly decided to seek out this context by embarking on what very quickly became a tedious nightmare trek through the vastly less good original. 

The Evil Within 1 is a mechanically uninspired copy of a copy of gameplay ideas that were overrated in 2004 when Resident Evil 4 d...