endlessjess

Dear Santa

I apologize to myself for watching this. Don't even go near it. Unless you feel like it. I mean, it won't kill you. But it's a poopy movie that belongs in a toilet and I got too much going on to even give a damn about spewing up multiple paragraphs dedicated to it's assness. To Hell with it.

Deadly Games AKA Dial Code Santa Claus AKA 3615 Pere Noel AKA Game Over AKA Hide and Freak

The year's not over yet, and i still have some Christmas Content to cram down your chimney holes. Here's the best obscure holiday horror picture i discovered this year. A proto-Home Alone with a little French boy who would beat Macaulay Culkin's ass, and a crazed hobo killer Santa who would make Harry and Marv shit themselves.

Listen, this movie rules. I can't believe it's not a widely known and celebrated Christmas tradition. The week before New Year's is still technically Christmas ti...

Tales From The Crypt: All Through The House

Seasons BEATINGS boys and GHOULS. It's time for a CrUELTIDE Tale from the Christmas Crypt with that nasty little freak the CrytptKEepr, and he's not even the ugliest guy in this episode.

It's all about an impossibly hot lady getting the ick from incel santa, but there's no one to save her because she already killed her husband for some reason that is never explained to us.

It's not important, she just didn't like him. He sucked. I'm on h...

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

I'm taking ya back to the most important Christmas since the first one, the first one with The Simpsons. This is episode 1, and frankly the birth of this show blows the birth of Christ out of the water. I should know because I was there for both.

I'm Jesus and God and Santa and you've all been very disgusting and bad this year, so instead of revealing my ultimate message to heal this undeserving world that never listens anyway, all you get in your stockings is more videos on the intern...

The other (better) Turtle Christmas

I'm not done talking about The Ninja Turtles, or Christmas, or The Ninja Turtles doing a Christmas. In addition to the crappy musical one that everybody loves to shit on, there's also a good TMNT holiday special. In fact, it's one of the earliest TMNT stories from the original comics, adapted for the 2003 animated series, which I do remember watching but barely remember anything about.

Strangely, the 80s cartoon never adapted this story, or did any Christmas episodes at al...

We Wish You a Turtle Christmas

It was always bound to happen one year, and that year is this year. I, the man who loves the Ninja Turtles more than any man, woman, or child, am finally celebrating Christmas with the infamous 90s live-action straight-to-video shovel-ware musical, We Wish You a Turtle Christmas.

This was a very popular topic among hacky internet reviewers 15 years ago, and I love those guys almost as much as I love the turtles. So now I've finally come to the point where it's my turn. I've hit a new l...

Christmas with Kenan and Kel

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW HEEEEEEEREE GOES!

It's true, Kenan and Kel once did a Christmas, and now it's my job to do a Christmas by talking about it. Ho Ho Ho and Schlingen Puun to all the good little Fishlockian girls and broke-ass bikeless boys out there. Kel's face is the face my face feels inside, the face of my soul's face while I'm keeping Christmas in my heart, drunk on the spirit of the yule in a world I never made.

RIP Coolio.

Cobweb

Oh boy, I love dark ugly movies where i can't see anything. I love when the whole flick is based around a deformed monster lady that you never once get a good look at it. There truly is nothing better than a good old fashioned wasted premise.

I heard enough people saying they like this movie. Those people must also enjoy sticking their entire heads up a butthole because that's about the same viewing experience, except this movie smells worse. Do you understand what I'm telling you? Thi...

Longlegs

Nic Cage in this movie plays the kind of moaning, groaning, raving, raging, screamin and hollerin psycho freak that I'm becoming after living with stitches in my mouth for 2 weeks. We must have the same dentist, because he's really good at these kind of performances. This is literally me, standing in the snow with my mouth hanging open, freaking people out with my inhuman wailing. I'm the new Christmas monster.

Sadly, his welcome presence in the film is oversold by the promotional mater...

The Substance

What if you could return to the you that you see in your mind's eye? The unchanging marble statue of youth with the perky pillows and cute caboose. How horny would you be then? Probably pretty horny. But don't forget, middle-aged you can be horny too. It's allowed.

Whether you're a coked up young slut or a busted old hag, you're still the same sexy chica, beautiful how u is. Someone out there is horny for you, and his name is me.  So there's really no need to deterior...

The crappy Sid episode about germs.

It's true, even Hey Arnold has some stinkers, and most of them are about Sid. This lovable little idiot is funny in episodes that involve the whole cast, but episodes centered on him suck, because that's the character. Sid sucks. It's just who he is, man.

Every Sid episode goes like this, first he gets some weird intrusive thought that turns into an obsessive panic because he's an anxious paranoid freak, and then at the end he just gets over it and goes back to normal until his next sc...

Helga's Locket

Here's another wild and wacky Hey Arnold video with another wonderful work-of-art thumbnail for ya. This is my job now, I've decided. I will never stop ranting about Hey Arnold.

I love Hey Arnold more than anyone in the world and i love it better than anyone in the world too. All other grown men on the internet obsessed with 90s cartoons are pretenders, I'm the original. I'm the only one who's cool, the OTC of 90s TV.

I'm The Mighty One. Alrighty, son. I do a nightly run for my ...

Criterion Picks: Classic Dick Flicks and Classy Ass Chicks

Cowabunga, cretins. I'm still surfing the criterion channel on high-brow waves of classic cinema, real classy stuff. I got a classic flick about a private dick, an indie pic with a feisty chick, and an animated sensation about a lady space station... or something. I'm not really sure what that last one was about.

The Maltese Falcon

2024-12-01 05:34:59 +0000 UTC View Post

Thanksgiving by Eli Roth

It took 20 years but Eli Roth finally made a movie that isn’t completely horrible, and it’s still not as good as the fake trailer he made for it 20 years ago. This was his one good idea that he held onto all this time. You can call it Crapsgiving but i call it The Poo Poo Pilgrim. I don’t know what my life is about anymore.

Garfield Thanksgiving Special

This is the one true Thanksgiving special, all others are mere pretenders. If you don’t love Garfield get the fuck out of my house, and get the Hell off my planet.

Charlie Damn Brown

Goddamn, son. We kickin it oldschool with this one. Going all the way back to the 1970s with the original homie Charlie muthafuggin Brown. Whoop Whoop.

Bart vs Thanksgiving

Classic Simpsons, where Bart learns the greatest lesson of all. Everyone will always be mad at you for no reason and will never forgive you and it’s all your fault America has lost it’s way. Words to live by.

Kenan and Kel - Turkey Day

AAAAAAAAWWWWWW HERE GOES!

A happy and hungry Thanksgiving to all of you in this impoverished nation where a box of cereal costs 35 dollars, and nobody's inside with their families cause we're all out DoorDashing to rich people who don't tip. I can't nourish your starving bodies or feed your dying kids, but i can entertain your brain with holiday content and replenish your soul with a feast of high-quality rambling stupidity.

Starting with one of the stupidest shows of all ti...

What's On Criterion: Classics or Assics?

Someone sexy and cool gifted me a Criterion Channel account so I can watch some actual cinema, instead of the 30 year old nicktoons and 5 hour video game essays i usually watch. Let’s see what's on Criterion and get some culture in here. Starting with a bloody scary maggoty murder movie, of course.

Suspiria

2024-11-17 12:45:47 +0000 UTC View Post

Shudder Crud Beyond

One Missed Call

I didn’t understand what the hell was going on in this movie but it was Hella cool. Obviously it's about haunted phone calls, that part i get, but this flick is long and has all kinds of plot. The characters are constantly going to a new spooky location to investigate some vital piece of lore behind this haunted phone call mystery. 

I didn't need to unders...

Arnold Vs. The Headless Cabbie

More Haunted Hey Arnold - Ghost Bride. Scary!

I recorded this one before the Halloween episode, but I posted that video first because it's bigger and fatter and juicier. This was more of a warm up than anything, I was just getting back into the Arnold groove, after so long talking about other crap that doesn't matter. Watching this is what reignited my yearly Hey Arnold obsession, and now that I'm once more locked in the throes of it, that makes it your problem too.

You're just gonna have to pretend it's still October because I've ...

Terrifier 3: A Normal Review

That's right. Here's an actual normal, non-silly review of a current thing. It just happens to be an extremely silly terrifier movie. I didn't do that on purpose, it just worked out that way. What the hell else was I gonna do, buy a 500 dollar clown suit and make a big production out of it? Trust me, there's no big priduction needed when your life is already a circus.

You ever play CarnEvil? Well that's my every day reality, so Art and I have something in common. Art the clown is my Tyl...

WRESTLING! Crown Fool 2024.

Here's a quick little silly happy wrestle pod for 3 dollar and up patrons, a proof of concept for these new tiers I'm doing. Sadly it's another damn stinking stupid Saudi show that no one one Earth cares about except the pajama wearing royal doofuses who live over there. Seth Rollins face in that thumbnail is my face every time i remember it's time to watch one of these things.

The Haunted Halloween Hoax from Hey Arnold Hell.

Shudder Crud

Shudder is the only paid streaming service I allow to have a place in my life. In addition to a big fat library of scary bullshit, it’s also home to The Last Drive-In, a watch along show where Joe Bob Briggs and Darcy The Mail Girl talk to me about the movie I'm watching so i don’t have feel alone in the sawmill where i live and collect bones. I appreciate the aspect of curation here....

Tubi Tales: The Fucky Films of Kim Ki-Duk

Look upon the hateful face of this fucky man. That mean lookin fuk is Mr. Kim Ki-Duk. I discovered this director by accident when I watched 3-Iron and then was too lazy to get up as it auto-played another of his movies. I became intrigued and searched for more. 

Mr. Duk has a uniquely serene and contemplative style, which juxtaposes hypnotically with the deranged subject matter of his film...

Audition (1999) - Scary Spooky Review

Oh look, an actual review, by me, the best reviewer on the planet when i actually give a shit, and you can tell i give a shit because I've once again created the greatest thumbnail anyone's ever seen. Look at it. That thumbnail alone is as much a work of art as the film I'm discussing here, Takeshi Miike's 1999 Rom-Com from Hell, Audition. A J-horror classic that fat-headed film nerds and washed up rockers have been sperging out for on VH1 horror retrospectives since I was a boy.

This ...

$10 Bonus - SH2: Maria's Microdose Mansion

I've been playing the silent hill 2 remake, and i have many opinions that you will probably hear at some point. But first, here's a Bonus Crow Glow of the original Silent Hill 2, by which i mean the X-Box One re-release of the X-Box 360 HD Collection of the original X-Box port of Silent Hill 2's Born From a Wish bonus chapter where you goof around as Maria for a bit. It's a bonus show in the bonus glow of a bonus game. We didn't call them DLCs back then, they were "expansions" which still sou...

$5 Glow - Silent Hill 3 (in Glow-Vision)

Feast your peepers on this, my 5 dollar freaks. The first of many extra-exclusive glows. Here's the actual best Silent Hill game, presented in glorious Glow Crow Mode. In other words my capture card wasn't working so i filmed the tv and it looks cool as fuck.

To all the one dollar wimps wishing they could watch this, too bad. You gotta pay the crow toll to get into this glow hole.