endlessjess

eNOUgH iS EnOUGH! and itS tIME FoR A cHAnGE!

Gather round patrons, I’ve got some announcements for ya. I’m making some much-needed changes in an effort to achieve the fabled “work-life balance” the nice white coats in the nuthouse keep telling me about. 

I must evolve. Life is change, stagnation is death, and I’m tired of the same old shit. So from now on I will be doing significantly fewer podcasts and lets-plays, and posting them as bonus content, which means free of charge at a slightly higher tier. 

P...

Lion King Part 3 - Remembering my pride.

You may have noticed an oh-so subtle character arc taking place in The Blue Glow, and that is an arc of me growing ever more disdainful toward my own bullshit. I gotta get out the glow and live my life a little before I devolve any further, so this Lion King finale is also a season finale. 

I’ve got other shit to focus on, and when The Blue Glow returns, I’ll be spacing it out more. I still have a metric ass-load of unreleased episodes, so unless there’s a request or somethin...

HIdden Bunny: The True Survival Horror

I deserve 2 awards today. One for playing this fever dream to completion and another for being the only man on earth powerful enough to make it entertaining. I hope.

This dollar bin horror is clearly designed for one year olds, but i wouldn't give this to any one year old i didn't want to traumatize for life. The creatures in this supposedly happy bunny game are uglier and scarier than any resident evil monsters.

Even scarier is that this baby game nearly beat me. I spent 20 minut...

My Big (Scary) Sister

Its almost october so here's a spoooky 1 dollar RPG from my heroes at Ratalaika games. Every time i see that dog logo i have a pavlovian response of excitement and whimsy, cause i know im in for something creative, cheap, and weirdly good. Its the only dog i like.

These guys are going places, and when they do it'll be yet another thing I discovered first. This one is an inventory puzzle and narrative game. No combat. Good. If a game this scary had combat, it would kill me, and I mean in...

Biolab Wars

Ah yes, let me tell you about the biolab wars. Better yet let me rap it at you, because this game's bangin and boofin title screen music demands it. 

This masterpiece proves how easy it is to make a great game, so all the shitty ones have no excuse. Literally all you have to do is copy Contra. 

Add some cool, unique characters like a pumpkin man or robocop-dog-warrior, and a bitchin soundtrack, and you there you go, perfection.

Resident Evil 0: Howard The Fuck

It’s time for my yearly attempt at playing RE0. In this episode, 0 is the amount of progress made, and also the amount of fucks being given, by me, the master of the insanely stupid Resident Evil playing. 

I swear all of this is gonna mean something someday, when I finally have enough footage to assemble my magnum opus, “Deranged maniac plays Resident Evil for years and years, slowly mutating into an even more violently disturbed monster.”

This is the role I was born to...

Twisted Metal Black Part 2 - Dollface fuckin dies or somethin.

I don’t know if Dollface is gonna get her wish this time, she’s too busy getting herself killed while trying and failing to shoot missiles at a secret box in the corner of the map to unlock that bloody-toed jackoff, Axel. Or Warthog. Or whoever the hell is in there, I don't even remember. 

Once upon a time, I beat this bastard game with every single damn character. But I was younger then. I had a patience and focus for games then that years of hard living and harder entertainin...

Loud: My Road To Fame

This is a rhythm game, but really it’s a horror game. Just look at the title, this naïve youngster wants to be famous. Like a lamb hopping happily along to the fox’s den. She will soon learn that in the land of the fickle masses, fame is death..

Modern culture is entirely fueled by moralizing hypocrisy and thinly veiled jealousy. Anyone who follows a dream or achieves anything is punished for it with a lifetime in the prison of the public eye, to be gleefully torn down for every pe...

Fury Unleashed

I’m hot, I'm full of crap, and i got a million other problems too. I’m feeling the fury, and I'm about to unleash that fury on some pork rinds and then the toilet. Hee hee. Hoo hoo. Pee pee and poo poo. I’m on fire. 

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH TO HELL WITH IT. I FUCKIN TOLD YOU I WAS FEELIN IT. THE FURY IS HERE. IM GONNA GET MAD. IM ALREADY MAD. GONNA GET MADDER. HOT ITS TOO HOT IM HOT. MY BLOOD IS BOILING. AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH FUCK EM ALL TO HELL. 

Okay got that ouT...

Skelly Selest

Hey look it’s that game I like, Binding of Isaac Smash TV Hades Enter The Gungeon Crypt of The Necrodancer something something. They’re all the same game, but in this one I’m a skeleton. The graphics are cool and the music is rad and I… have… nothing more to say about it.

Let me try to squeeze at least one more paragraph out of this game. It’s good. I like it. I like when I run around and fight other skeletons. Then i died. But it okay me die cuz skeleton. Skelmton goooooooo...

Fatal Labrynth

I’m still spelunking the depths of this Genesis collection. Some of these are classics but there’s more than a few that nobody’s ever heard of. I’m skeptical that some of these are even real games. Like this one. Nobody played this. I’m the first, and the last. Anybody else who even tries… wouldn’t survive. Not in the Fatal Fucking Labrynth.  

What makes it so fatal? Try magicians on for size. Magicians, snails, floating ice cubes. All t...

Rollerball: The gay sport of the future

In the future, there won’t be any more shitty hockey games. Instead we’ll have yearly iterations of this clusterfuck, where people do flips on roller-skates while shooting dual pistols at each other like Drake of The 99 Dragons. Sadly, this game is not Drake of The 99 Dragons. That would be silly as hell and ironically cool. Rollerball isn’t ironically anything, it is sincerely mid. 

Did I say mid, that was generous of me. I meant ass. Whatever fun there might be here is sabo...

The most unpleasant game ever created.

This is Path To Mnemosyne. Don't waste your brainpower trying to figure out how to pronounce it, it doesn't deserve the attempt, it deserves only your contempt. From the moment you turn it on, the only path you're on is a Path To Pain.

The first thing this rotten excuse for a video game tells you is "open your senses", so it can assault all of them at once. Never have I seen, heard, or smelled a more wretched experience. I can’t even in good conscience call this a game, it�...

Nintendo Partner Blowcase

Okay it’s Nintendo time! We’re gonna see some Nintendo Games, right? Real games? New games? Real new games, made by Nintendo? Surely it’s not a trick to make me watch a bunch of bullshit. Spoiler: It’s a damn trick. 

Where the Hell is Donkey Kong? Where are Peach and Samus and Slippy Goddamn Toad? Not here, not today, not in the so-called Nintendo Games show. They’re off being fun and cool, somewhere else.

Instead we’ve got a bunch of re-releases of remakes of old...

What the Hell is Indie World?

Oh boy it’s time for me to be grumpy at game trailers again! This might be the grumpiest one yet, until the next one. I was bamboozled this time. I thought i was gonna see some Nintendo games, but first i had to sit through a bunch of Indie bullshit, only to find out it there were no Nintendo games at all, only 3rd party games on Nintendo, which is not at all the same thing and my hour was wasted. 

Fortunately, yours won’t be, because you get the highlights, narrated by me, say...

Fight Forever Career Mode - Part 3

Things are going swell for me in the parallel universe where I work in AEW. I lost my baggage but found a friend, forming a spooky new tag team with the mysterious kick-man Malakei Black. We lose every match. It’s his fault. He sucks.

You know who else sucks? That’s right, Jungle Boy. I found this dork shitting around at the gym, pretending to work out and swinging on the equipment like an asshole. I told him he sucks and then took a selfie to show everyone what a weakling he is. So...

NXT No Mercy

I haven't watched NXT regularly in at least 9 years. I don’t even know what this show is anymore. Who are these people? What the Hell is a Wendy Choo? Is that a pokemon? And why the fuck is there a guy called Wes Lee? That’s horrible! It stinks! Somebody change this poor young man’s name to something less smelly, like Fart-Master Skunk-Ass.

None of that matters though, what matters is that I have a new religion. I’ve found someone to believe in. A goo...

WWE Bash In Berlin

Rather appropriately for a show that took place in Germany, I don't have any jokes to write here. Just kidding, that was a joke. But it’s the only one.

Gunther might be the world’s funniest German for all I know, but he’s not here for any funny business and neither am I. Not today. I’m as deadly serious about this post as Gunther is about wrestling. This man commands respect, not just for himself but for the great sport of pro wrestling. 

This main even...

AEW All In 2024

Hold on to your asses cause ALL ASS Wrestling is back in Wembley. It’s been a whole year since Jungle Boy got his ass pounded by Poopsy Phil backstage for dragging his ass in glass, making an ass of himself, and being a butthead, in that order. But all that ass is in the past, we’ve got an ass-load of asses and a fart-load of fights to admire tonight.  

Asswell Jacob Friedman AKA MJ-Ass, vs. The Aerial ASS-ASS-In Will Assprey was an assey assault where these two grab-Ass M...

WWE SummerSlam 2024

Hell yeah. It’s the biggest party of the summer. I deeply love SummerSlam. Always have. It might be my favorite of the yearly wrestling shows. How can I have a favorite when the card is different every year? Easy. It’s the vibes, bro. Don’t you know about the vibes? SUMMERTIME VIBES. 

Don’t even pretend that vibes don’t have a tangible effect on how cool something is, i’ve been studying and immersing myself in vibes my whole life. I’m the master of them. I am the Vibe...

WWE Money In The Bank 2024

oOPs I’m a little behind on my wRESTLiNg reviews… time to catch up! Too much wrestling happens now, but its still not enough for me, and it never will be. Too much isn’t too much enough. That’s the way I live my life and that’s the way I watch my wrestle-fights. Hungry, Ravenous for violence and carnage. 

I wanna see bodyslams. I wanna see dropkicks. I wanna see moss-covered 3 handled family gradunzas. I wanna see money in the bank, baby. Literally. Cause i ain’t got no...

Alien Isolation

I don’t care how many accolades this game receives or how much praise it garners, I hate Hidey Games. That’s a term I invented just now for this particular genre. You know the kind,  games where the monster is soooo scary they don’t even let you fight it, and make you creep around the entire game with a flashlight hiding in lockers. These kinds of games are great for a sleep aid and not much else. 

In it’s defense, Alien is a perfect fit for this genre, and it’s cool...

Grow Home

Something tells me that in my 10 minutes I've gotten everything out of this game that it has to offer me. Funny robot, nice environment, climbing, floating, falling, cool. This game reeks of 2010s hipsterism and I don’t care for it. Except for the part where you float around with a flower, that’s cool.

You can tell this was made in the 2010s because it’s got those floppy legs and silly grab controls that were all the rage then. Your guy is always stumbling around like he’s on no...

Damn Stinking Hockey Game

I don’t care for hockey. Just a bunch of guys in oversized shirts skating around and beating each other up. The skating is lame because everyone is fighting, and the fighting is lame because everyone is on ice skates. Figure skating is less gay than hockey. 

The only good thing about hockey is the one guy who took his hockey sticks out of the rink and started cracking the skulls of lowlifes and lawbreakers. Hockey served it’s purpose in creating Casey Jones and doesn’t need t...

Halloween Forever and Ever

Oh crap, it's this again! I hoped I could get a little farther this time. This is technically part 2, but it’s the same first level and I die in the same place as the previous episode. The only thing different is that my commentary is even more frantic and fucked. Increasingly so if i do a part 3, and i will, and i fucking vow to get further when i do. 

I will conquer this game, because it’s cool as fuck. I’ll make it a Halloween event. Unless I change my mind and fe...

Grizzland

What the hell is Grizzland? Well, it appears to be a place you can go to get your Grizz on. In practical terms, a minimalist metroidvania with an atari aesthetic. The little guy sorta looks like the E.T. from the E.T. game, E.T. on the Atari 2600. Not to be confused with Eee Tee from the AVGN Movie. 

That movie sucked but give it some credit, the chick that played the army girl was very hot. Mcbutter i believe her name was. She was the best part of the movie. Better t...

Resident Evil Revelations Part 3: Sno Dogs

It is time once again, for me to gleefully rave about my Great Diss-Dane for dogs. Thank God for the Resident Evil franchise constantly throwing dog-zombies at me, they know it’s one of my favorite topics to discuss. I love hating dogs more than anyone loves dogs. This is a nation of dog worship after all, and it’s my job to balance the scale. I am the man who smells the slobbering mongrels and says no. Not this day. 

In this chapter I play as Chris and his sexy lady companion,...

Styx: Gobbler of Dyx

OOGA BOOGA! I’m an ugly Goblin guy! Crawling out of the sewer to touch your butts and bite your balls off! Watch out, humans! I’m cumming to getcha! 

That’s Styx for ya. At least that’s what I assume Styx to be like. I didn’t pay any attention to his actual dialogue, my own narration was too good. Anyway I’ve been hearing for years that this hideous little hobgobbler game is actually a modern stealth classic. Modern being a relative term, it’s almost a decade...

Columns

Here's another nostalgic favorite of mine. I didn’t have a game boy, I had a Genesis, and Columns was my Tetris. No wait, I must have had a game boy. I remember Avenging Spirit and Gradius on it. Well whatever, Columns was still my Tetris. In fact it’s better than Tetris. Tetris is for nerds.

Tetris Attack is pretty cool. That one had Yoshi in it. Pokemon Puzzle League on the 64 was sort of the sequel, they just changed the name and replaced Yoshi with Pikachu ...

Vectorman

Vectorman is a defunct relic of the Sega Genesis era and so am I.

This game rules. It ruled then, it will always rule. The fact that it has the sloppiest, floatiest, fuckiest controls in the world does not in any way detract from that fact. 

Today’s pampered generation wouldn’t understand. Sometimes, back in the day, the coolest games were all fucked up and you just had to learn to live with it, and love it. What else are you gonna do? Not play Vectorman? Fat chance, fuc...