sonderlust

black out days

Have had this on repeat recently. Another that I’ve known forever but for some reason recently it just landed fully. This mix fucking goesssss

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Black Out Days (Future Islands Remix) — Phantogram, Future Islands
Voices, 2013 (original mix)
2017 (this mix) 

https://open.spot...

honest

We never did get to have that talk

Add it to the list of things you said to me that I have to pretend don’t matter

I swear I don’t need you

I didn’t find salvation and then shatter

My mind hasn’t fractured

Under the weight of your presence

Please believe me when I say

I can survive another lesson

And I don’t at all hate the way

You think everything’s gonna be okay

Me too, I promise

I’m tired of being ho...

sticky

I’ve been wearing the same lipstick for 10 years
Wearing the same perfume for close to 20
My hair gets tied up in a bun with the same twists and turns every time 
I still chew the same flavor of gum I always have

I’ve never deleted my text messages 
I’ve saved years of voicemails from those I love 
I still have all of my old iPhone backups 
My phone number hasn’t changed since I got it in the sixth grade 
And it never will <...

puppet

I’ve learned that there is power in accepting you are powerless in a situation

It’s helpful to know you are helpless

Trying to be in control makes me feel controlled

Not in the way I like

I am not the author of my story

Despite how nice the instagram text posts make that sound

I am but a lifesized puppet

Animated by love and rage

home

The tshirt I wore the last time I saw you had been in my drawer since 
Until 2 weeks ago
I had surgery and I wore it there 
It made me feel strong 
Because you think I am 
I was wearing it the last time you hugged me 
So I let it hug me when I needed you 
It’s the closest I could get 
I can’t remember now how your lips felt on mine 
How your tongue tasted 
How your fingers ran through my hair 
All I can re...

isolation

life’s a mess and so am i

a note

just wanted to say I’m sorry for being inactive on here. I have been having a really hard time and it’s been difficult to access the part of me that is okay with being seen in this way. thanks for still being here, I’m trying to feel better <3

lost

You said we lost each other in translation 
It might be the saddest thing anyone has ever said to me 
It wouldn’t be if it weren’t true 
You said things can always be retranslated 
It just doesn’t feel that way to me anymore 
I have lost my ability to speak 

destruction

The container I once resided in suddenly feels too vast to feel the sides and top and bottom 
I’ve realized you have broken it completely
Created space for parts of me that were hidden away 
Quieted and shunned 
It’s beyond snapping me out of something that once felt inevitable 
It’s a revelation of things I kept away from myself for a reason 
It hurts 
Like a peeling back of skin 
Gruesome and human 
Looking backward a...

reckoner

Reckoner — Radiohead

In Rainbows, 2007

https://open.spotify.com/track/02ppMPbg1OtEdHgoPqoqju?si=cRdX8neZTfq1zYM4eUwVUQ&context=spotify%3Aalbum%3A5vkqYmiPBYLaalcmjujWxK

Reckoner

You can't take it with you

Dancing for your pleasure

You are not to bl...

are we having fun yet

You don’t address me directly 
At least not in front of me 
It’s always in the third person 
It’s telling 
In a way that you telling me wouldn’t be 
So tell me 
What the fuck is the point of all this 
A point and a kill 
A swing and a miss 
So now break me apart sweetly 
Don’t take your eyes off me 
While I disappear completely 

goodnight

don’t

What’s the opposite of placation

Of platitudes or acquiescence

Of patronization

Appeasement

Niceties

Pacification

That is what I want

Disturb me

Make me take it

Tear me apart cell by cell

But carefully

Methodically

Like you’re untangling the most precious and mangled ball of jewelry

One that you happen to wear so well

Cut your own heart out and let me see it

Touch it

Put it inside...

sacred mask

Doing my makeup is a sacred act. I started when I was 8 years old, something most people probably can’t say. Most of the dance moms did their daughters’ stage makeup before dress rehearsals and shows — I did my own. And not because my mom wasn’t there or wasn’t supportive, she was in some ways the most supportive one. 

At competitions I would see girls get off stage and get berated by their mothers in the dressing room, telling them they messed up the choreography or the...

saturday blues

in the tub with you

I am in the shower at 1am 
I am laying down in the tub letting the water cascade down and hit my body and fall away 
Looking up at the tiled ceiling and walls 
It feels pitiful and beautiful 
Just like me 
I’ve lived here for 2 years and never noticed that the tile is not a random speckle of two different shades of light blue 
It’s an identical pattern on every tile 
Ornate flowers 
The blues are so similar my eye never regis...

good morning

reckoning

You told me I’m dangerous 
In a moment when that was true 
But I think it’s actually because I make you feel safe 
Entertain the things about you that you hate 
Accurate mirrors can be disorienting 
When you’re used to your reflection distorted 
It’s a kind of reckoning 
One that violently rips away what we thought we knew 
I’ve had them over and over 
And I get the feeling I will continue to 
I’m the ...

wanted this one to stand on its own <3

shot on fujifilm x100vi

new camera test shots :)

shot on fujifilm x100vi

guilty

I feel guilty for things I shouldn’t feel guilty for 
I don’t feel guilty for things I should 
I think maybe I’m a bad person 
In the body of someone good 

Damnation and salvation aren’t so different 
If they were, then why would they rhyme 
Trapped in this existence together 
Slowly doing our time

summer in the park

bryant park, new york city — shot on 35mm film

entombed

One of my favorite Deftones songs, hard to put into more words than that.

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Entombed — Deftones 
Koi No Yokan, 2012 

https://open.spotify.com/track/4bLCPfBLKlqiONo6TALTh5?si=LnRo_GEVT8q2CrSr7cV4Kw&context=spotify%3Aalbum%3A4PIVdqvL1Rc7T7Vfsr8n8Q

From the ...

happy monday

8.2.24

I wore my hair in a half up bun today
It’s one of the things I like most about having a shorter haircut than normal 
That doesn’t make sense without more context
I don’t feel like explaining
I wondered what the point was today 
Felt tired 
The kind you feel when sleep is a long way away 
A settling in 
The kind you do when there’s no possible way to get comfortable 
Thought it would get easier with time 
It hasn’t&n...

sabrina (i am a party)

This has been one of my top songs of the past few years. Fred again is altogether amazing but this one is on a different level for me. I recommend listening to the song but also checking out the full piece that the song was sampled from. It’s gorgeous, and uncomfortable to watch. I’m linking the song, the Instagram reel I saw that first introduced me to the song which gives more of the piece and was really impactful for me, and then the full piece. I recommend them in that order <3&nbs...

absolutes

I don’t like to speak in absolutes 
But I absolutely cannot speak 
I know nothing at all 
It’s been proven to me over and over 
And I lied 
I love to speak in absolutes 
Hiding behind hyperbole 
It entertains me 
Like the way you ruined everything 
Changed me
Saved me 
From something I didn’t want to be saved from 
I’ll never stop laughing 
At the irony 
The catastrophe  2024-08-01 13:25:37 +0000 UTC View Post

progress pic 1 (I went to the gym once)

patterns

You’re in the place we re-fell in love 
I don’t know how to feel about that 
I never fell out 
I don’t know how to feel about that either 
Patterns in the sky 
Water the color of my eyes 
Hours disappeared 
We probably looked so weird 
You reapplied sunscreen all over my face as I laid with my head in your lap
Outside of myself 
You took good care of me when it really mattered 
When I wasn’t able ...