Trust Machines - Behind The Sofa

Robert sat at the bar with a beer in front of him. He was watching the door of the bar. The bar was a bit unusual. There was a vestibule at the front with a Venn machine inside. After its appearance, the bar was sold to new owners who rebranded the bar as Invenntions.

A machine had just cycled and two gorgeous women stepped out of the machine. As a promotion, anyone venning into a woman and hanging around the bar for a couple hours could get free drinks.

As he waited, one of the venn girls, as they were called, sat on the stool next to his. “Stood up?”

“It seems that way.”

“Aw, you’re too good looking for that,” she said. “Buy you a drink?”

“Okay. Just a black and tan.”

“Nice.” She flagged the barman and order his drink and a mojito for herself. “Let’s sit over there. It’ll be quieter.”

“I have a girlfriend.”

“That’s okay. I think you want to have a chat with a friendly face.”

“Robert.”

“Darla.”

After shaking hands, they took their drinks to the table in the corner and sat down.

“Why did she stand you up?”

“He. And I have no idea.”

“Are you cheating on your girlfriend with a man? You naughty thing.”

“No, no. It’s actually a funny story. The guy use to date my girlfriend, Tabitha. But a venn accident caused him to disappear for a year.”

“Oh, my, god, that sounds awful.”

“Yeah. I felt sorry for the guy. I offered him my sofa and he made use of it for a few days as he put his life together.”

“Aren’t you just the sweetest man? Tabitha is a lucky woman.”

“I’ll drink to that.”

“Certainly.”

“It’s been a week since he moved on. He calls me out of the blue and tells me he wants to thank me. Then he no shows. I don’t get it.”

“Well, I hope he didn’t have another venn accident.”

“I think he said he wasn’t going near another venn machine.”

“Well, maybe that’s why he didn’t come in here.”

“True. He did refer to the bar as O’Malley’s.”

“Oh, that poor man. I hope he gets back on the horse and tries venning again.”

“I guess.”

They chatted for a couple hours and Darla managed to get Robert to promise to stop by again some time. She said she was there most nights.

True to her word, Robert found her there a few days later and they again chatted for hours. They shared a love of melodramatic historical fiction. They talked for hours about novels they’d both read.

A couple weeks later, Darla approached the table Robert was sitting at. He was with another woman. “Hello, Robert. You must be Tabitha. Robert can’t stop talking about you.”

“Who is this, Robert?”

“Darla. I told you about her.”

“No, you didn’t. You told me you were meeting Derek at this bar the last couple weeks.”

“Oh, no. Please. I don’t want to get between you two, Honey. Robert and I sit here and talk about boring books for the most part.”

“Boring?” Robert said.

“I assumed, given how much you enjoyed talking about them with me, that the lovely Tabitha that you constantly rave about, perhaps, isn’t as enthusiastic about seventeenth century melodramas.”

“Oh, god, is that what you talk about with him? I should buy you a house. I was wondering why he stopped asking me if I’ve finished the book he gave me to read a month ago.”

“Did you finish it?” he said.

“I didn’t start it.”

He told Darla the title.

“That one did win a Pulitzer prize for literature.”

“Don’t gang up on me.”

“I’m sorry, Dear.” Darla got up. “I feel like a third wheel. You two have fun I’ll find something else to do.”

“Robert, tell Darla you’ll be here tomorrow night to chat with her.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Anyone who keeps you from talking about your books with me is okay in my book. Lovely meeting you, Darla.”

“You, too, Tabitha.”

For a couple months, Robert and Darla would meet about three times a week at the bar discussing the books they read. Darla joked they were a book club of two. They eventually started meeting in his apartment because it was much quieter than the bar.

One morning after their book club, Tabitha knocked on Robert’s apartment door – she lived a few doors down on the same floor of the building. The door was unlocked. She entered his apartment and found Robert asleep in bed next to Darla. She was naked. She saw Tabitha and shook Robert awake.

“What? Tabitha?”

“I don’t want to hear any explanation.”

“What are you talking about?” He looked behind him to see Darla rub the corner of her mouth with her finger. She then put the finger in her mouth as if cleaning it off.

“She caught us.”

“Caught? What? No, no, no. Tabitha, wait.”

Darla felt a bit bad about what she’d done. She had actually enjoyed getting to know Robert and discussing literature with him. The look on Tabitha’s face was worth the trade off. She had gotten her revenge after all these months.

Months ago.

The tires squealed as the car turned hard onto the cross street. The car behind it fishtails making the same turn. The music is racing. It’s the climactic scene of the movie.

Tabitha held Robert a little tighter as the excitement mounts. As the hero’s car sideswiped a newsstand, she felt the sofa bump against her butt. She looked around briefly before returning her attention to the television.

“Did you hear that?” Robert said.

“Hear what?”

There was definitely a shout in the distance behind them. It didn’t seem to make sense with the film’s action.

“Was it behind us?”

They stood up. The sofa pushed toward them. They jumped back in surprise.

A man’s head popped up from behind the sofa. “What the fuck, Tabitha?” he said.

Robert picked up an empty beer bottle and held it threateningly. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Derek?” Tabitha said. “Put that down, Robert. Derek, were you behind the sofa all this time?”

Derek stood up. “Who’s he?”

“Oh, um… Derek, this is my boyfriend Robert. Robert, this was my boyfriend Derek.”

“Why is he behind the sofa?”

“His venn ended.”

“Venn ended?” Robert laughed. “What was he?”

“The cutest pair of red panties that I lost… um… a year ago.”

“I never should have let you talk me into venning for a year.”

Robert paused the movie with the remote.

“I told you a month would be enough to cover being my panties for a week. It was your idea to make a grand gesture of setting the machine for a year.”

“You weren’t supposed to lose me behind the sofa.”

“It turned out to be a hectic week.”

“So hectic you forgot your boyfriend was a pair of panties.”

“Note to self,” Robert said. “No inanimate venning with Tabitha.”

“You think?” Derek said.

“That’s not fair,” she said. “Angela’s husband was killed in an accident and I spent the next month at her place comforting her. I have no idea how you ended up behind the sofa.”

“Angela?” Derek said.

“Her sister. How long did you two date?”

“He venned at the end of our fourth or fifth date.”

“Did you look for me?”

“I did. I had some stuff stolen after I came back from staying at Angela’s. I figured they got you too.”

“Buddy, you fucked up if you venned for a year after just a few dates.”

“Apparently.” Derek said. “I should be mad. But I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at my supposed friends. Didn’t any of them look for me?”

“If they did, they might have done it while I was at Angela’s house.”

“Oh, yeah, the break-in. That’s when we met,” Robert said.

“That’s right,” she said, pressing herself against. “You were so helpful during that crazy time.”

“I just wanted to help.”

Derek rolled his eyes. He pulled his phone out of his pocket. “It’s still charged. But there’s no plan. Emergency calls only.”

“You want to call someone?” Richard said, holding his phone out.

“Like I know anyone’s phone number. I know where to go. Um, if I can’t find anywhere to sleep tonight, can I come back here?”

“I don’t know, Derek,” Tabitha said. “I don’t really know you.”

“It’s fine, Tabby. Derek, you can knock on my door later, number 23 two doors down. If I’m not there, knock here. I could be here,” Robert said.

“Okay. Thanks. I need to find my friends.”

There was a bar on the corner right where he expected to find it. A year ago, it had been called O’Malley’s. Today, the once dingy windows and rundown wooden facade had been replaced with modern glass and steel. The backlit sign read: Invenntion.

He had no idea where else to go. He went inside. The entire décor matched the hyper-modern exterior. Someone shouted “Doors” as soon as he entered and the entire bar turned to look at the vestibule. How was there a Venn machine in his previously favorite bar? The door opened and two stunningly beautiful women exited the machine. There was a round of cheers.

The women were not only beautiful but fully dolled up and dressed for an evening at a ball. They came around to the front of the machine and kissed briefly before merging into the gathered crowd. Derek approached the bar. He had some cash in his wallet. He found an empty stool and waited for the bartender to notice him.

“Derek?” Someone behind him said.

He didn’t recognize the woman’s voice. He turned and was face to face with one of the women who had just venned, he recognized her dress as the one who’d exited from the right side booth. “Do I know you?”

“It’s been a year. Where have you been?”

“Long story.”

“Oh, I forgot I was venned. It’s me. Marty. You just disappeared about a year ago. Where’s Gary?” She leaned toward the bar and the bartender appeared instantly. “Terry. Find Gary for me. I’ll be at that booth over there. And have a lager delivered for my friend.”

“No problem, Marsh.”

“Marsh?”

“Like this, I’m Marcia. Follow me,” she said. They walked over to a booth. It was quieter than the bar.

“A long story, you say? Well then hold onto it until Cindy, a. k. a. Gary, gets here.”

“You’ve changed.”

“This? This is so fun. The bar pays guys to make a big show of venning like this. You know I wouldn’t need to be paid to get dolled up like this. But, you have to do it in pairs.”

“Holy fuck. It’s Derek.” The other woman from the venn machine set a beer in front of Derek and joined them. “What happened to you?”

“Venn.”

“Panties?” Marcia said knowingly.

With a nod, Derek took a long drink from his beer.

“Panties?” Cindy was confused.

“This idiot will say, ‘Yes,’ to anyone asking him to become venned into panties. A year?”

“Yes, I’m a moron. Okay?”

The ladies tried not to laugh at first. But, when they found out his former girlfriend had a new boyfriend, they could no long help themselves.

Robert opened the door to his apartment and found Derek standing there.

“No luck?”

“I need a few days. My friend Gary thinks he can get me into his place but he has to get his other roommates to agree to it.”

“You can stay with me for a few days.”

“Thanks.”

“Let me get you some pajamas. You can get changed in the bathroom. I’ve only got this couch here. But it should be comfy enough to sleep on.”

In the morning, Derek woke to the smell of breakfast cooking. He got up and found Robert making eggs and bacon. “You didn’t have to cook.”

“I love to cook.”

“I saw the shelf of books. You also love to read.”

“I do. Do you like historical fiction?”

“Never really tried it. Tabitha must drive you crazy.”

“Other way around. I often forget she can’t stand these books and talk about the one I’ve just read far more than I should.”

“That’s amusing.”

Derek was at the bar with Marcia and Cindy. “What do you think of my plan?”

“I think it’s cruel.”

“I think you’ll fuck it up.”

“That too. Let it go, Derek. From what you’ve said, Robert is a great guy. You’re going to hurt him too.”

“Yeah, he is nice. I’ve been reading some of his books as part of the plan. I kind of like them.”

“Don’t do it.”

He did it. Or Darla did it. It took several months. Darla was telling Gary and Marty about the success. Only Darla was a venn girl.

“What are you going to do now?”

“Not sure. I’ve spent the last few months as Darla. I still don’t own any clothes for Derek. Maybe I’ll stay Darla. I’ve gotten use to it, I think.”

“We should hit the machine.”

“Okay.” Gary and Marty left Darla at the table to go become venn girls.

A man stepped up to Darla. “May I join you?” He was rather attractive. And after spending so much time with Robert and not being able to touch him. She was in the mood for a good time.

“Sure.”

After chatting for a while, Edward invited her back to his hotel room where they did have a good time. Darla and Edward stayed in touch and spent a couple more evenings together when Edward came to the city on business once a month.

Darla received a package one day. In it was a bra and a note from Edward. The note said Edward was the bra. She was to wear him for a day and then mail him back, in the provided mailer.

Edward would mail himself to Darla in the middle of the month. She just had to get him back in the mail soon after wearing him. He had a friend who would restore him as soon as he was mailed back.

After doing this a few time, Edward was staying for the weekend. On Saturday, he suggested that she venn him into a bra for eight hours. She was happy to do it. As usual, she didn’t pay attention to Edward setting up the machine and got into the booth.

Edward got in the other side and said, “History.” There were several different images of Darla and at the bottom of the display was a pair of lacy, red panties. He selected the panties and hit the green button.

Edward stepped out of the booth. Robert appeared stepping around the corner of the machine holding the panties. Edward re-entered the booth and cycled the machine. Tabitha stepped out.

They went to her apartment where Tabitha held the panties over the back of the sofa and dropped them behind it. “See you next year, Derek.” She dropped the bra that had supposedly been Edward behind the sofa as well. “Enjoy the bra, too.”