May I Enjoy My Life Entry 36

The first time I met Lappland Saluzzo was at her family’s vineyards on the Brunello agricultural plate. She tricked me into eating one of the grapes. I did not know that grapes for wine are not the same as grapes for eating. It was very sour. She laughed at me. Then we played. We were children. 

I met her at the same vineyard 10 years later. She’d just tried to assassinate the Moretti Don. She was hiding at a safehouse from her father. I was sent to punish her. I didn’t. I couldn’t. We had sex in the safe house. She gave me another sour grape and told me that it was all we deserved. That we deserved one another. Sour grapes. 

Then she asked me to help her destroy Siracusa. I didn’t. I left instead. Returned to Columbia. 

Just in time for my family to tear itself apart and to kill my own father. Lappland met me there. She was supposed to kill me, to regain Signora Sicillia’s favor after killing a Silencer. She didn’t. Instead, she gave me another bunch of sour grapes. 

That was the last time we were together. Lappland left to return to Siracusa, and destroy it. I wandered for a year, and ended up in Wrankwood, when Boss found me. I was starving. Wounded. Delirious from fever and hunger. He took me in. Nursed me back to health. Called me “his girl,” but never tried anything. I was glad.

We founded Penguin Logistics. He was the brains. I was the brawn. We hired Croissant first. She was from New Richmond, though she’d been born in Minos. Her job was security escorts. 

Next was Sora. She was originally a mission. Then my friend. Later, the love of my life. It’s hard for me to express how much she changed me. Before Sora, I existed, but I didn’t live. Now I have something to live for. 

It’s why I’m going to kill Lappland. Lappland is the sour grapes. Existing only as a sword to kill. But Sora? Sora is the sweet wine, that makes my life worth living. 

I wish Exusiai were here. She was the last friend I met, and the best one. She understands me. Maybe it’s because she’s a Sankta. I think it’s because she’s a kind person. I’m worried about her. Finding out the Law isn’t a god was hard on her. But she’s kind enough that she’ll keep on living. 

What I really wish was that she were here to talk to me. To tell me I don’t have to kill Lappland. James and Lucia do not think I need to kill Lappland. Ingrid does. I want to believe James and Lucia. They are good people. The problem is, Lappland is not a good person. She is like me, and Ingrid. Ingrid understands this. She understands blood. She understands honor. She understands Siracusa. 

The last time I saw Lappland a year ago, she asked me to help her destroy Siracusa again. 

“This game will never work, you know,” she told me, as we stood above Volsinii, soon to become Nueva Volsinii. “Oh they’ll pretend, for a little while. But it will all end in blood. It’s all a mask! You can make the famiglia wear whatever clothes you want, but in the end, a wolf is a wolf, no?”

“Maybe they can,” I told her. “Leontuzzo thinks they can.”

“That testa di cazzo is as much fake as the rest of them,” Lappland laughed. “You’ll see. It will be back to the old shadow games and hits in no time. And if he really does change? Well, then my beloved father and the rest of the old dons will give him a quick exit. You can’t escape this life, Texas. You know that. You tried, and here you are, no?”

“I’m leaving,” I told her. “With Penguin Logistics. Back to Lungmen. Nueva Volsinii has a chance. But it’s not my home.”

“And what is your home then?” Lappland demanded. 

I didn’t have an answer for her then. Sora and I wouldn’t watch Kurenai no Kinu, Shiro no Yaiba for another month. When I did, I realized I had my answer: With Sora. 

Lappland wanted to sleep together that night. I knew why. She wanted me to stay with her. To help her in her quest. I refused. I was horny for her, yes. But I didn’t want my home to be nothing but blood. I made my choice then, even if I didn’t realize it.

 Lappland did. She understood. I have to save Sora. Even if it means killing Lappland. I don’t know what Sora will think of me after that. But even if I never get to drink her sweet wine again, I can never be content with Lappland’s sour grapes. 

That was what was going through my head as we approached Nueva Volsinii. I had polished my swords more times than was needed. I had chewed off all my fingernails. I had even eaten three sticks of gum. I hate gum. But I needed something, and I would not smoke with Lisa there. Ingrid would try to kill me. And I needed to be focused on Lappland. 

More importantly, on Sora. 

Our craft came in for a landing on the administrative plate of Nueva Volsinii. At the hospital. That made sense: We were logged as a medical flight. Still, I was nervous, antsy. We had only begun our descent when I turned to Red and Rosmontis. “Keep Bones safe.”

“Yes, that is the mission,” Rosmontis agreed, but Red was frowning at me. 

“You go fight Lappland? Red should come.”

“No. This is my fight. Lappland is my past. You maintain mission priority,” I told Red. I knew I was incapable of maintaining mission priority at that point. I was supposed to protect James. Supposed to keep the Cure, the Savior, safe. 

But I couldn’t. Sora was more important. 

“Cellinia, we should try talking first,” Lucia told me, reaching up to take my arm. “This could just all be a mistake. Lappland’s never shown hostility to Sora before.”

“We will talk,” I said, but I held up my sword.

“Let her go, Lucia,” Ingrid said, stepping up beside me. “The Texas knows what must be done now. There is only one sort of conversation that two such women can have. The kind with steel.”

I gave her a grateful look, then turned to the ramp, which had begun to hiss open. 

“Hey.” 

I turned to look up at James. His face was marred with scars now, one eye obscured by a black patch, his other eye tight with suppressed pain. Pain I understood. He extended a hand, and I took it, only for him to pull me into a hug. That surprised me, as did his tears.

“You take care of yourself, OK, Texas? Don’t make me come put you back together again. And, well…maybe try talking before you kill your oldest friend?”

“I will,” I said. By which I meant that I would kill my oldest friend if I had to. I had never understood how Lappland’s mind worked. She’d always been able to outsmart me. Sometimes, outfight me. She was one of the few who could. Despite myself, I hugged James back. He is not like me. He doesn’t take life. He gives it. Even when it costs his own. That’s why he’s worth protecting. 

Sora is the same. The world needs more of those who sow as they do. Less who reap like me. And Lappland. 

I separated from James, and leapt away, across the rooftops, running at full speed. I wasn’t concerned about the direction. She would find me. She always did. Though I did head in the general direction of the Saluzzo holdings. Lappland hated her family, but she also couldn’t escape them. 

I ran for half an hour, but Lappland didn’t show herself. My phone vibrated, and I checked my messages. Unknown caller. A picture of a grape. A faint smile traced my lips, and I turned my phone off, then headed for the agricultural plate. 

It wasn’t the Brunella agricultural plate, but the Saluzzos had a small vineyard and manor house on one of Volsinii’s plates. It was late afternoon, but the fields were empty. One light was on in the manor house. I stopped to pluck some grapes that were close to fully ripe. I popped one into my mouth as I walked up the path. Sour grapes. The same as always. 

I walked in to find Lappland’s shoes by the door, along with her coat. I carefully took my own off and set them neatly in their place. I didn’t leave Blueberry and Dark Chocolate. Lappland hadn’t left her swords. And I smelled wolves. 

I entered the dining room, where music was playing. The table was set, the candles lit. Lappland sat at a grand piano, playing beautifully. She was always talented. All around the table, sat wolves. The Signori dei Lupi. Dark shadows enveloped them despite the bright sun coming in the windows and the glowing flames on the table before them. All their eyes watched me as I stepped forward. Two places were unclaimed: the head of the table and the foot. 

“Ah, Cellinia, at last! I was worried you didn’t get my invitation!” Lappland cried, finishing her playing with a flourish. She stood from the piano and bowed, and the wolves howled as Lappland bared her fangs in a grin. I stood beside my place at the foot of the table, silent. I did not understand this game. Lappland hated Siracusa. The Signori dei Lupi were Siracusa. Why were they here?

I recognized the largest of them, a wolf with red eyes to Lappland’s right as she took her own place at the table. Zaaro. He was the one who had caused the incident the year prior. His fang had been the Bellone don, Bernado. Leontuzzo’s father. But Bernado had killed himself. So, Zaaro should have been out, from what Boss had told me. I did not understand. Only that when Lappland raised a hand, all the wolves instantly fell silent. 

“My friends, we are gathered here today in honor of my oldest and dearest friend, Cellinia Texas!” Lappland said, raising a glass of wine. She grinned at me, and nodded to the glass of wine by the plate at the foot of the table.

In response, I held up the bunch of grapes. Lappland’s eyes widened for an instant, then she laughed. “Well, well, it seems you brought your own libations, Cellinia! How appropriate for our little party!” 

“Where is Sora?” I demanded, crushing one of the grapes between thumb and forefinger, the juice trickling down my wrist, dripping like fresh blood onto the white tablecloth and staining it dark purple. 

“Sora?” Lappland feigned surprise, then took a sip of her wine. She tossed the glass to the side, where it shattered on the rich carpet with barely a sound. “You didn’t tell me you had taken another lover! I would have sent you a gift in congratulations!” 

I didn’t respond. Lappland knew perfectly well that Sora was not allowed to have a lover. Her contract required it. 

“Well, she’s around, let’s say,” Lappland said with a dark chuckle. She extended a black gloved hand to me. “I will not ask you to forsake her, Cellinia, but I do ask one final time: Help me destroy Siracusa! It’s finally time! The old bitch herself is here, you know. I have assembled the wolfpack. The game, it is mine to win. But, well, I think it would be more fun to upend the board! Send it all crashing down!”

“Leontuzza and Lavinia are succeeding,” I said, my gaze locked to Lappland, though I kept my awareness on the Signori dei Lupi. They were dangerous. And there were twenty here, all told. I didn’t know how many there were in total, but this seemed like a large number. “You were wrong. Siracusa can be saved.”

“SIRACUSA DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE SAVED!” Lappland snarled, driving her fist into the table and sending up splinters of wood. The wolves bayed and howled in approval, but she straightened and snapped her fingers. They instantly quieted again, some cowering slightly. 

“You see? There is only one way to control them,” Lappland said, smoothing back her wild mane of hair and grinning at me. “Only one language they understand. That Siracusa understands. This city, it is on the brink of exploding. Of becoming a carnival of violence even greater than it ever was before! The truckers, the famiglia, the police, the courts, all of them, at one another's throats! Barely restrained violence. Masks, hiding fangs! I will rip off those masks, Cellinia! I will expose them for the beasts that they are! And then, I will let them devour one another. And put the torch to Siracusa to burn it all down once and for all!” 

She was panting at the end of her rant, clawing the air like an actor delivering a monologue as she paced back and forth at the head of the table. 

I shrugged. “I don’t care. Where is Sora?”

“You think you can escape this!? You think that just because you left for a few years, this is no longer your problem!?” Lappland snarled, fingers curled into claws, palms up, as she glared at me. 

“Yes. I have another mission now.”

“And what is that?! You think because they put you in charge of protecting this so-called ‘savior’ that your hands are now clean, that you can escape your past?!” Lappland demanded, stalking around the tables towards me. 

“No. I was chosen because I am a killer. Because they need someone with stained hands, so that Rhodes Island’s can be clean,” I said, head swiveling to track Lappland, as were the heads of all the wolves at the table. 

“Then do what your blood demands! Make an end to Siracusa!” Lappland demanded, coming up short just a few paces from me. I turned to face her as she continued her rant. “Your new friend, he is a doctor, yes? Well, Siracusa is sick! The infection must be cut out before the healing can begin! We must be cut out, Texas! Us, and all the Famiglia! We must expose the faces of Siracusa for the world to see, to cast aside the masks forever, and make an end of this!” 

“Fine. Do it. But not me. Not Sora. This is your fight. Not mine,” I said, and stepped towards the door. 

Lappland cackled, calling out to me as I tried to leave. “Then I will make this your fight, Texas. This is how it was always meant to be! You and I, together, or apart, were always destined for this!” 

“We weren’t. You chose this. Not me,” I said, meaning to leave and go find Sora. She wasn’t here.

“At least give me the satisfaction of one last good fuck,” Lappland chuckled. “Before you give me up for your soft little Sarkaz-”

Rage. Rage like nothing I had ever felt before. Not when I found out Bones had cured me. Not when I found out Sora was kidnapped. Not when I killed my father. This was mine. Mine and Sora’s, and no one else's. 

“Ah, there she is,” Lappland purred, her blades blocking mine as I strained with all my might to tear out her throat with my bare fangs. She leaned towards me, as if to kiss me, her own lips curled back. “The Last Texas. Celenia the Patricide. My rabid little wolf.”

I didn’t have words. Only rage. I unleashed my arts, and wished I had taken Amp-X. I had some with me, but I hadn’t taken it. Now, I didn’t have time or thought to do so. I didn’t care about anything but keeping Sora safe. Keeping her secret safe. Lappland had no right. 

The wolves lifted up out of their chairs like smoke, hovering in the air as a choir of spirits as Lappland and I tore apart her family estate. The dining room was the first to be demolished in a storm of swords and arts. My blades tore apart priceless plates and the rich food I knew that Lappland had prepared herself. She’s an even better chef than me, when she wants to be. Tagliatelle al Ragù. Risotto alla Milanese. Caprese Salad. Millefoglie. All smashed and pulverized as we battered one another about. 

I’m not sure who drew blood first, me or Lappland. We were both out for it now. A snarl on my face, a rictus grin on Lappland’s as she laughed. Soon, we were both coated in one another’s blood, our heartbeats mingling as we painted the ruins of the mansion scarlet. It should have weakened us both, but we just increased the tempo. It was serious enough that Lappland had stopped talking, though I had stopped listening a long time ago. I couldn’t hear words, couldn’t speak words, couldn’t understand words. Just rage. 

Sora was in danger. Sora was in danger because of Lappland. Her deepest, darkest secret was known now. I would kill Lappland now, no matter what. Because Sora’s secret, the soft nubs on the sides of her head that only I knew about, could never be known. 

The manor house crumbled and fell, and Lappland and I had to part in our dance long enough for both of us to dodge the raining rubble. We ended up atop the collapsed roof, the building smoldering around us. When had it caught fire? It must have, because patches of my hair were burned, and Lappland’s shirt was smoldering. 

“Now this, this is a good fuck,” Lappland chuckled, leaning on her sword. I was too. We were both exhausted. How long had we been fighting? I couldn’t keep track. Ten minutes? An hour? A day? I didn’t know. Not so long as for my rage to quell. It burned as hot as ever, though my body was weakening, and my mind going blank from using far, far too many arts. 

“Not…not a fuck. Would…would never…cheat…on…Sora,” I panted. Perhaps my rage was ebbing. I could talk again, a little. 

“Ah, too bad. And here, I’ve been trying to cut off your bra,” Lappland chuckled.

There were cuts on my chest and back, so she might have been. Or she was just trying to anger me again. 

Suddenly, I just felt tired. Not angry. I remembered finding solstice in a manor room much like this. Not with Sora, but with Lappland. She’d always been passionate. Sometimes, I needed that. I leaned on my swords, and shook my head. “Let’s just…walk away. I don’t want to kill you, Lappland. Swear to never speak Sora’s secret. Swear to never reveal-”

“Oh, I promise. Wouldn’t dream of it! I was just guessing, you know,” Lappland laughed. “Knew she had to be hiding something! Why hide your race like that in Lungmen? Oh, a perro might pretend to be a lupo in Siracusa, but elsewhere, they don’t care! So what if she was a cautus, or a vulpo, or even a zalak? No one would mind! But a Sarkaz? Ah, I wouldn’t call your beloved a slur, but you know what people say, eh, Texas? So, yes. Sora’s secret is safe with me.”

I blinked stupidly at her, weak from all the blood loss. “Then, you-”

Sighing, Lappland let go of her swords, and slumped down on a bit of rubble, giving me a sad smile. “Oh, I knew you wouldn’t agree to all this. You have your pretty little doll of a lover. Oh, don’t sulk, Cellinia, she is a perfect little doll, even if she is fun in the sack, I hope? Hehe, yes, growl all you want, but I see your tail wag! You walked away from all this. But me? Well…they would never let me.”

Lappland jerked her head up at the pack of wolves, which hovered around us, eyes glowing as they watched. Zaaro was the closest, having landed and taken on a more solid form. I eyed him, but he didn’t seem interested in me, walking over and sitting beside Lappland on his haunches.

“Down, boy. Don’t make me beat you again,” Lappland growled. And to my surprise, the wolf god did so. Meekly lowering his head to rest at Lappland’s feet. 

I staggered over, leaving Blueberry and Dark Chocolate blade down in the ruin, and slumped onto the slab beside Lappland. She sighed, and put her back to mine, leaning against me. “Then, you…”

“Consider this your bachelorette party, eh? One last bash with your old lover before you leave this life of blood for a life of peace,” Lappland whispered, and I could hear the weariness in her voice. 

“I would have wanted Exusiai and Croissant here,” I said, looking up at the sky. It had turned as red as the blood soaking into my clothing, the sun beginning to set. We had battled for a long time then. Longer than I had thought, perhaps. 

“Oh, they are. On their way, actually. I fancy that’s them now, in the car racing up the lane,” Lappland sighed. 

I turned my head, and saw a brightly colored van racing up the driveway. I closed my eyes, and smiled to myself, leaning against Lappland for support. 

“Don’t lie. You enjoyed this, didn’t you?” Lappland asked.

“Mmm,” I said. I had. I hated it, but I had. Sometimes, what you want are sour grapes. 

I heard tires screech and doors slam, but I was too tired to look up. 

“TEXAS!” Croissant’s voice shouted, and boots pounded on the pavement. 

“Mmm,” I said, too tired to even open my eyes.

“CELLINIA!” 

My eyes snapped open, and I tried to sit up. Sora. Sora was here, tears streaking her face as she ran up, Boss waddling behind her. Lucia and Lisa were there as well, along with Ingrid of course. 

“The damn fools have nearly killed one another,” Sussurro snarled, taking out scissors and cutting first my clothes off, then Lappland’s. We were in bad shape.

“How I always wanted to go,” Lappland giggled. “Killed by my jilted ex-lover. Or her jealous father.”

“Not…what happened,” I mumbled, even as I felt Sora’s tears drip onto my face.

“They’re far gone. I don’t know how much I can do; James is still unconscious,” Lucia’s voice said.

“Mamma-san, Sussurro-sensei, let me,” Lisa’s voice said, as I began to drift away. It was alright. Sora was safe. I could rest now. 

Ingrid, hot and passionate as ever. “It is too dangerous, she-”

“It cures her oripathy! You try, Lisa. I’ll watch. Use whatever arts I can to help,” Lucia’s voice promised. 

“Hai! I must use Bones-sensei’s arts. Here, take my hand, Sussurro-sensei. I will show you how.”

“Lisa, I can’t. I’ve tried. I-”

I felt a jolt of energy and opened my eyes. My wounds had partly closed. Not normal healing arts: some of them just vanished. Like when James used his arts. Lisa’s ears wilted, and she slumped over, Ingrid catching her. 

Lucia was staring at Lisa, eyes wide open, still holding the little girl’s hand.

“For this, I will kill you both,” Ingrid growled as she hugged her daughter, eyes glaring at me. 

“Then I will never tell you who really attacked your daughter. Isn’t that funny?” Lappland chuckled.

“What?!” Ingrid rounded on Lucia. “Heal her, now! I must know who was it that hurt my Lisa!” 

“I…I think I can,” Lucia said slowly. She placed hands on Lappland. There was so much blood. Had I done all that?

There was a flash of white light. Odd. Usually, Sussurro’s arts are green. Lappland’s wounds vanished, and she sat up with a start. 

“Well! That is more-” Lappland began.

Then Ingrid broke Lappland’s jaw, and knocked her out cold. The wolves growled, and the Lady of Scars drew her sword and rounded on them. “Take one more step and I will kill you all myself! This fox eats the flesh of wolves tonight!” 

The Signori dei Lupi backed off. Though that might have been because Boss was standing behind Ingrid. 

“Well. Fuck me,” Boss said, and took his glasses off to peer at Lucia, who Croissant had had to catch when she had passed out after healing Lappland. “Looks like things changed again. Y’all catch that, or do I need to break it down for you again?”

“We saw, bird,” Zaaro said, standing to come over beside Boss and look down at the unconscious Lucia and Lisa. “When did this start?”

“Don’t rightly know that. Old witch ain’t been too talkative,” Boss said with a shake of his head. He put his glasses back on, even though it was nearly dark. “But you seen the signs. Shit’s already gotten more real than you can imagine.”

I ignored him, and turned to Sora, who had tears in her eyes still. “Sora, I-”

“Shut up,” Sora said, and kissed me, and held me. If she had been Siracusan, she would have slapped me first.

I’m glad she didn’t. She is my Sora. And she is perfect. Especially the old, worn nubs on the sides of her head, where her horns had once been. I squeezed her, and closed my eyes. 

No more sour grapes. Just sweet wine.