May I Enjoy My Life: Entry 24

Marker 4.210687e+11 Time Stamp: 25221-25893

O-01:It's fascinating. He's not the first example of an alien, but it's different from the other Earthlings. How does it feel to be a fictional property?

K-02:Much the same. I am as I have ever been. There have been philosophical schools that mused that stories in our world may reflect reality in some other world. Perhaps the story of Sapphara and Nahalandran is real in one universe, though it is a long-forgotten Sarkaz fable in this one.

O-01:Haven't heard that one. What's it about?

K-02: It is a story somewhat relevant to our situation, I suppose. Sapphara was a poor Sarkaz orphan who lived in the slums of Kazdel in the story,  which was set some 6000 years ago during the reign of the fictional King Juuhulad. She was an artist and would paint with chalk to earn pennies from passersby. 

K-02:One day, Sapphara drew a painting so wonderful that it came to life, though in certain variations of the tale, a passing sorcerer brought the art to life as thanks for a kindness from Sapphara. Regardless, the image came to life, and became the Prince Nahalandran. 

K-02:There were many different variations on this story, but what is consistent is that in the end, Sapphara and Nahalandran were cruelly treated after many adventures. In payment for her kindness, Nahalandran took Sapphara into the painting world, where she became his princess. The most common form also had Sapphara's poor friends join her in this kingdom, where there were only Sarkaz, and they lived in peace. But the last time I heard this story was over 2000 years ago. It fell out of favor, though its influence can be seen in many other Sarkaz stories in more recent millennia, such as Timula and the Magic Brush.

O-01:I think I get what you're saying. So who is Sapphara, and who is Nahalandran?

K-01: Does it matter? They are young. But this is a grievous wound. One that will heal, but after speaking with you, I fear we are short on time.

O-01: Yes. But I have a plan.

K-02: As do I. Though I must ask…is it as bloody-minded as your plans have been historically? I do not merely speak of who you were, but who you are now. You preserve your people, yes. But you are not adverse to slaughter.

O-01:Always ready to hold me to account, huh? Well, I suppose I have to admit, even I can see no plan without a lot of bloodshed. What I've learned from this device, what you've just told me about Priestess [P-00] and about…about my people…

K-02: Are they yet your people? You claim to have chosen me. The Priestess [P-00] and the Precursors [OVERRIDDEN] cannot be your people if you chose me.

O-01: No, I suppose not. My people are there. On Rhodes Island. It's you, it's Amiya [A-7561], it's Blaze [G-10236]…it's everyone who lives there, all the friends and allies we've made in the past three years. Even, I suppose, our enemies. All Terrans, Sarkaz and Sankta, Ancient and Elder. 

K-02: I see. Then you would turn your back on your very people? On those who share your own blood? On the civilization that birthed you and sent you to this world?

O-01: I don't see them standing here with me now. You are. And I don't love them. I do love Amiya, and you, and all those on my home. On Rhodes Island.

K-02: We are likely to lose that home. I have already begun preparations, as I have laid out for you. But there will be sacrifices.

O-01: Weren't you the one just scolding me about bloody-mindedness? Besides, I'll sacrifice the place. Rhodes Island can be rebuilt, so long as we have the people who compose her.

K-02: How odd.

O-01: Have I really changed so much?

K-02:No, just that the one who has no gender so readily assigns an inanimate object one.

O-01:Heh. Force of habit, I guess. Besides, don't you consider me to have a gender?

K-02:Do not be absurd. I understand your biology better than any, and the concept of gender as a construct is not foreign to one who was such as you, but chose to be a woman.

O-01:You called me father. 

K-02:I…It was a slip of the tongue. I apologize.

O-01:Don't. I like it. Does that make you my daughter? It explains how I feel about you. The same way I do Amiya.

K-01:You…you approve?

O-01: I do. Daughter.

MANUAL OVERIDE: SET O-01 [Doctor] to P-00 [Father]

MANUAL OVERIDE CONFIRMED.

SAVE FILE. SET AS CORE MEMORY.

SAVING…

CORE MEMORY ACCEPTED. K-02[AMa-10 V.2.F] FILE UPDATED. K-03 [AMa-10 V.3.F] FILE UPDATED. 



July 16th, 1100

I don’t even know where to begin. When James told me he had…those pictures…of me, of my friends, of everyone I knew…something in my mind just snapped. 


It felt like I’d been stabbed in the back by the person I most loved and trusted to keep me safe. And all that was just…shattered. 

I’d known, vaguely, that James was from another world. I mean, I knew it for a fact…but it wasn’t real to me. He’d told me he’d played a game with a fictional version of me in it, but I hadn’t fully processed what that would mean. I don’t just mean the porn, I mean the parasocial relationship that comes from that sort of thing. I’m no psychologist, but I understand enough of how humans and how the human brain works to know perfectly well that we can form bonds with fictional people and places. 

We’re social animals, and I myself have very deep bonds with Alessandra Vulpani from the Tra Ombre e Luce, which I read as an impressionable teenager. Even more so with Sebastiano Ruggieri, who Alessandra should have picked over that scoundrel Dante Corvani. Honestly, Sebastiano was my first crush, especially the actor Matteo D’Amico who played Sebastiano in the movie adaptations. 

So I understood James having a porn stash with images of fictional characters, as the various lurid fanfics that I’d read (and attempted to write) of Tra Ombre e Luce would attest. 

But that didn’t make it hurt any less. 

“You probably shouldn’t have shot him in the ass,” I told Exusiai as we walked towards Rhodes Island in the distance. The landship was moving rather slowly at the moment, but even at our brisk pace, it would take us all afternoon. Not that I minded, I needed the walk to clear my head. 

“Yeah, sorry, I sort of just reacted,” my Sankta companion said with a heavy sigh. “It’s just…I mean, I know guys have looked at nudes of me before, I’ve sent enough of them, but…shit, James doing that? I mean, I might have, if he’d asked and not been dating you, but that’s…that’s not something you just do, you know?”

I suddenly realized I hadn’t sent James any nudes myself. We’d sort of skipped that step and jumped straight from the second date into bed with one another. Half of me wanted to send him some so he’d know what he was missing, and the other half wanted to tear his balls off. I still needed some time to cool off. 

Look, I’m mature enough to know when I’m being irrational and volatile, but I’m not so grown up as to be able to suppress that side of me entirely. 

“I’m no Sankta, but is it really so normal as to shoot someone in Laterano?” I asked.

Exusiai sighed heavily. “Well, yes, and no. The Law does a pretty good job of reading intent, and a scorned lover shooting to wound isn’t exactly uncommon, nor will you lose your halo for it, though they would probably impound your Patron. Maybe permanently. That’s…that’s for a Sankta or an especially important Citizen. Doing that to a non-citizen…they might give you a  scolding or a fine. Or just laugh. I…would probably get a fine and maybe my patron impounded. Not the first time I’ve flown off the handle.”

I paused and turned towards her, and she stopped, looking reluctant. “You’re interested in James.” It wasn’t a question because I knew the answer, and so did she.

“Was, mostly. Not because of this! Well, entirely,” she admitted. “When I realized how badly you’d fallen for him, well, I was more just crushing on him… I mean, who wouldn’t fall for a tall, ruggedly handsome alien with cool powers who can save the world?”

I didn’t argue because I agreed entirely. “He was practically in your lap if you’d wanted him, once he ignored me. So why didn’t you scoop him up?”

She blew a bit of her red hair out of her eyes. It was getting long, and she took out a rubber band and tied it back from her face as she stalled for time. “Partly, like I said, because it was pretty obvious you’d fallen for him hard, and you’re my friend. Plus, did you see how oblivious he was? I mean, the only other thing you could have done was accidentally drop something and grind your ass against his crotch. Sheesh.”

“He is a big idiot,” I said, fighting back both tears and a smile. 

“That, and…well, I was scared,” Exusiai admitted. “I didn’t know what he knew about me, or my sister. And now…” she hugged herself, and slowly sank to her knees. I was there in a moment, holding her tightly. 

“Now I’m scared, Lucia. I’m a Sarkaz. It makes me want to puke, and that horrifies me. How could anyone ever love a filthy devil like me?” She clutched her head, tears streaming down her face. “Fuck! Listen to me! I thought I wasn’t a racist asshole like most Sankta, but that’s what runs through my mind! That’s what I’m thinking, and it’s so awful! I’m a horrible, horrible person!” 

I hugged her quietly for a time, because that’s not the sort of thing you can just talk away. Saints and Angels know, I’ve had my share of dark thoughts in the deep hours of the night. I mean, I tend to be rather racist to the Sarkaz in the privacy of my own mind. It’s something that’s ingrained in most Terrans. Water is wet, the sun rises in the east, and the Devils are evil and out to get you. 

“I struggle with it too,” I said, taking a seat on the ground next to Exusiai as we stared at Rhodes Island, atop a ridge and silhouetted against a blue summer sky. “One of the hardest things I had to wrestle with as a doctor was my biases against Sarkaz patients. They’re just people, but like you, I was raised in the Lateran church and told they were the embodiment of evil and all that was wrong with the world.”

“They are just people. But finding out I’m one of them…” Exusiai put her head in her hands. “It would break Laterano. If everyone learned the truth. I don’t…I don’t know what to do, Lucia.”

I hugged her again, and she hugged me back. At last, I pointed to Rhodes Island. “I guess…we just hold on to hope.”

“Yeah,” Exusiai agreed, nodding and brushing away some tears. “I guess…we go back to the island. Even if I’m a Sarkaz…at least I know there, I’ll be welcomed.”

“You’re still a Sankta,” I told her as we stood back up. “Even if that’s a sub-race of Sarkaz.”

“I guess that’s one way to look at it,” she said, but she still seemed rather gloomy. “Thanks for listening. Even if I did shoot your boyfriend.”

Now I felt like crying again, so I did, and it was Exusiai’s turn to hug me. “I don’t know what to do! I…I’m still in love with him, but this hurts so bad, Lemuel! It’s not his fault, it’s just…he’s seen all of us, naked! Doing…things! It feels so awful, I just…I don’t know if I can even look at him!” 

“Yeah. I get it.” 

We took several hours to walk back to the Island and get back aboard. I didn’t feel like going back to my room with James, so instead we got a tub of ice cream each and went to Exusiai’s and Texas’s room and made gluttons of ourselves. 

I was about halfway through the tub when the door chimed.

“If that’s James, don’t shoot him again, I’ll do it myself,” I grumbled as Exusiai got up.

“I’m not going to shoot him again. Yet,” Exusiai said, checking who was there. She let out a squeak, and hastily opened the door, where Kal’tsit appeared. “D-Director!” 

I hastily scrambled up and wiped chocolate cherry garcia from my face. Kal’stit stepped in and looked at Exusiai, then at the tub of bubble gum confetti where Exusiai had been sitting, and raised an eyebrow. “Enjoying ourselves, are we? I had expected to find the two of you commiserating, but I suppose I should have known you would seek physical comfort in some form as well.”

“I’m not enjoying myself,” I said, flopping back down and feeling rather sorry for myself. “I just…how could he!?”

“You know perfectly well why,” Kal’tsit said, then, to my astonishment, she plucked up the carton of chocolate cherry garcia, and spooned some into a bowl, before passing it back to me. Exusiai blinked, then offered her own ice cream up, only for the Director to shake her head. “No, thank you. Such a flavor is far too sweet for my tastes. This rather more matches my own palette. And besides, I feel rather incensed at the young man myself, so I suppose a little self-indulgence would not harm me before I go back to my rooms.”

“You’re mad he had porn of you too?” Exusiai asked, sounding rather baffled. “But, you’re a god.”

Kal’tsit snorted and took a large bite before speaking. “I would get such notions out of your head, Lemuel. Gods, whatever form they may take, are far more human than you would believe. I know one vain young feramute who conspired to have two individuals duel atop a monument ot herself, simply so that it would be more flattering from the resulting damage and repair work. I myself am very much a woman, and find the idea that a young man has pornographic images of me to be not only horrifying, but deeply insulting.” 


She hesitated, then added, “I was less than gentle in healing James’ wounds. I confess, I took no small amount of satisfaction in the pains I caused him. Fornicate with my father indeed. I have killed for less.”

I felt sick to my stomach, and Exusiai shuddered. “Sorry, um, Kal. I guess…I guess I kinda forgot you’re a friend too.”

“Hmm,” Kal’tsit took a bite of ice cream, then examined the spoon. “It has been some time since someone called me a friend or saw me as an equal. Which makes what I am about to say all the more painful.” She turned to Exusiai, then bluntly stated, “You are relieved of your bodyguarding duties.”

“I, what!?” Exusiai sputtered. 

“You cannot shoot the subject you are supposed to be protecting and expect to retain your job, Lemuel,” Kal’tsit said mildly. “This cannot come as a shock.”

“You, you’re kicking me out of Rhodes Island?” Exusiai asked, tears coming to her eyes.

“That is not what I said. You are overreacting. Take a deep breath. Now, what I said was that you are relieved of your bodyguarding duties. I still have tasks for you. I am in contact with your former employer, Emperor, and-”

“BOSS FIRED ME!?” Exusiai cried this time she actually started crying again.

Kal’tsit sighed. “I fear you are not in an emotional state to have this conversation, but alas, now that it has begun, it must finish. No, Lemuel, he has transferred your employment to me. The Emperor of Penguins recognizes that the world is at a turning point, and that I am the individual best situated and capable of turning it in the proper direction. While he is many things, Emperor is not much skilled at grand politicking, nor at direct action. I am at both. Thus, I will have tasks for you. Tasks that do not involve bodyguarding the man you just shot.”

“But I….” Exusiai trailed off, looking pained. 

“Actions have consequences, Lemuel. This is a rather natural one. I will not forbid you contact with James once I am satisfied you have better control of your emotions, but someone else will be in care of his personal safety. Someone who is preferably unaware of his…shall we say, collection, before his arrival here.”

This conversation was turning my stomach in such knots I didn’t feel like I could finish my ice cream, and I felt hot tears on my own face. I looked down until I heard Kal’tsit gently say, “Lucia. Look at me.”

I managed to blink and look up, though my vision was rather blurry. “I have no intention of reassigning you, or punishing you. Your reaction was natural, and your relationship with James entirely different. You are welcome to return to James, or to not, though I rather doubt that.”

I nodded, feeling relieved, then disgusted at my relief. I should still be mad at him! Only…

“It just hurts so bad, Kal’tsit. It shouldn’t, but it does,” I whispered. 

Kal’tsit set aside her ice cream and came over to put a gentle hand on my shoulder. “I am familiar with feelings of betrayal. Even with lovers betraying a trust such as this, though not in the same way. But, there were a few things I wanted to tell you before this wound began to scab over. Are you ready to listen?”
 

I sniffled and nodded as Kal’stit squeezed my shoulder. 

“First, this situation is unprecedented in the extreme. Even I have never seen the like. A man from another world comes to us, and to him, we were once mere fictional fancies. He is in possession of explicit material featuring us, and our friends. That hurts. Badly. There is no denying that fact.”

“But,” I croaked. “But…he didn’t know. And…and he deleted it.”

“He did. That gives him much grace in my opinion,” Kal’tsit said gently. “But it does not dull the pain, nor the sense of betrayal. Moreso for you than any other, for you have opened yourself and given yourself to him in ways we have not. That changes things.”

I nodded, still feeling agonized. 

“Still, you love him. Though he has caused you great pain, you still harbor affection for him.”

I nodded again, and Exusiai slid onto the chair beside me and gave me a hug as I felt sobs wrack me. 

“It will take time to reconcile all this. However, when you are ready, James has left you something in your rooms. At times, even I am astonished by people’s capabilities, and Celinia Texas continues to find ways to surprise me. I will leave you with this: James loves you as well, and is mortified and anguished by this situation as well. I do not believe he would ever intentionally do something to cause you pain. There are many times a relationship will result in pain, and while this situation is rather unprecedented…it is not the first time an innocuous act by one lover has grievously distressed the other.”

“I…I suppose,” I managed. 

Kal’tsit nodded and departed, though not before finishing her ice cream. I looked down at my own carton, but it didn’t seem quite as appealing now. 

At last, I got up, tucking my ice cream under my arm, and headed for the door. Exusiai popped up and came along, though I didn’t ask her to. 

“I’m going to see what James left for me,” I told her when I got to the door. “I…I think I’d like some privacy for that.”

She nodded. “Ok. But I’m a call away if you need me, alright?”

I nodded and gave her a sticky hug before heading just down the hall to my room and opening the door. I saw the flowers immediately, and I couldn’t help but sniff and smile as I went over to them. 

They were arranged professionally and had been chosen with care. Purple hyacinths, showing contrition. White tulips to beg for forgiveness. White roses, asking for a fresh start. And at the center, three red camellias, pledging faithfulness. 

I picked up the card and read it. James’ handwriting was barely recognizable, mostly because the card was easily legible, save for a few places the ink had blotched. He had been crying as he wrote, and I ended up adding a few blotches as I read it. 

Lucia, 

I can’t express how much I regret that I’ve hurt you. I was wrong, please forgive me. You mean more to me than life itself. Whatever I can do to make this right and show how much I love you, I will. 

Forever yours,

James

I found myself crying and pressing the card to my heart again. Then I went and put my ice cream in the freezer, after taking a few more bites, and cried in the shower for a while. Then I went to bed. I was exhausted emotionally and physically, and too tired to think straight. 

It was harder to fall asleep than I had thought it would be. Only ten days, and I missed James’ strong arms around me. I briefly wondered how he was sleeping, but I’d dosed myself with a sleeping pill, and was soon out despite myself. My dreams were unpleasant, though I can’t recall them, only the feelings of loss, pain, and sorrow they left me with. 

I awoke feeling groggy and smelling James from the bedsheets. I took another long shower, then sat at the table and stared at the flowers for a while. Then I went and cooked breakfast for two. I needed to think, and having my hands busy with something would help. 

When I was done, I sent James a message on my phone. Less than a minute later, there was a knock at the door. 

I went to open it, and found James leaning on the wall and out of breath. It wasn’t that far of a run, but, well, I was a little breathless myself. I had forgotten how tall he was, even stooping a bit and leaning on the doorway, he absolutely towered over me. It’s silly, I’d seen him just yesterday, but looking up at him…he is big. What ran through my mind was, if he wanted to do something to me, I couldn’t stop him

Then he stumbled and winced, and I had to half catch him. 

“Lucia, sorry, I-”

“Let’s have breakfast,” I interrupted, and took him inside. I had to help him sit, he was quite unsteady on his feet, and I made a mental note that he would need a cane. Not just because Exusiai shot him in the ass, but he’d been unsteady on his feet before this. It’s the oripathy. It’s affecting his proprioceptive system. I should have thought of that earlier, actually. The blindness in his left eye doesn’t help, but I was fairly certain imaging and testing would show his balance was off. 

I had made apple cinnamon rolls with fried eggs, and I had it laid out on the table with the vase. I sat down across from James and smiled at him. “The flowers were lovely.”

“Uh, thanks. Texas helped,” he admitted, not touching his food, his eyes locked on me like a dying man’s on water. 

I forced myself to eat, and after a moment, James copied the motion, though he soon grew ravenous. I had the sneaking suspicion he hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning. He’s not as food-motivated as I am, and, well, he tends to forget to eat if he’s wrapped up in something. And there I was, thinking of him like we were an old married couple. 

“Lucia, I-” he began again after eating the eggs, but I shook my head. 

“First, let’s just eat. I…I want to enjoy the meal, with you.”

He nodded, though he looked pained, and we finished breakfast quietly. After we were done, he took our plates, stumbling a little, before going over to the sink and depositing them. He didn’t wash up, instead coming back to the table and taking my hand. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice raw. “I, I don’t know how I can ask you to forgive me, but-”

“I do,” I told him, and squeezed his hand, my own voice hoarse. “I know…I know it’s not your fault. That this is mad. That none of it makes sense. But you did delete the pictures. When?”

“That first night, after I met you, when you and Gavial were asleep. I didn’t think of it earlier,” he admitted. 

“Did you sneak one last look?” I asked bitterly. 

He hastily shook his head. “No! I deleted them, the whole folder, even the, uh, other stuff.”

“Other stuff?” I asked darkly. 

“Well, uh, Arknights wasn’t the only thing I liked. I had some pictures of real women too, and some doujins and stuff,” he admitted. “But I didn’t exactly comb through it to figure out what to keep, I just wanted it gone.”

“That was…Admirable,” I said, then took a deep breath. My anger came surging back, and this time, I didn’t tamp it back down. 

“James, HOW COULD YOU!?” I screamed, jumping up on my chair and glaring down at him as he shrunk back. “PICTURES OF ME, OF MY FRIENDS?! DON’T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURTS A WOMAN!?”

I was being irrational and I knew it, but I needed to let it out. If I didn’t, it would fester. I didn’t throw things like my mother would have, I always considered that wasteful and frightening, but James didn’t shout back or manhandle me like my father would have. Oh, he never beat me or my mother, but he would slap her or spank her when she started throwing things. I half think it was a shared kink, or they were just both emotionally abusive like that. 

Instead, James shrank back on himself and withered under my glare. “I, I didn’t know! I thought, I thought it was just fiction! I never would have jerked off to Blaze or Specter if-”

I began to see the appeal of throwing things. Instead, I hopped down, that had been too much, and just yelled. “SPECTER?! BLAZE!? WHAT ABOUT ME?!”

“I, I had pictures of you too, b-but, uh y-you weren’t, that is, I didn’t know-”

I grabbed my phone and furiously sent several pictures I’d carefully taken this morning. James’ phone vibrated, and he hastily dug it out. He unlocked it, then glanced at the pictures, then blushed. “Oh! Uh, these are very sexy, why-”

I grabbed him by the collar and glared at him. “From now on, the only porn you look at is of me, you understand?!”

Then I kissed him, and ripped his pants off. I had planned on yelling longer, but he wasn’t yelling back properly, and berating him more made me feel like I was kicking a young purrbeast. He was reluctant at first, which made me angrier, until I coaxed him into the bedroom. 

After, while we were lying together, my eyes wandered to the nightstand. James had been saying something, vowing eternal fidelity and all that, but I realized something. Horrified, I turned away, hugging myself and feeling about three centimeters tall.

“Lucia?! Lucia, what’s wrong? Please, if there’s something else-”

“James,” I said, wilting at his touch. “I…I lied to you.”

“You…you don’t forgive me?” he said, his hand jerking away.

I looked over my shoulder, tears in my eyes. “No, I…I have to ask your forgiveness…”

“Look, I understand the slap, I kinda deserved it, so-”

“No, James,” I said, frustrated. “Listen!”


He shut up, and I took a shuddering breath. “I…I’m not on birth control.”

He froze, and several expressions worked over his face. He sat up slowly, putting a hand to his head. “What? But, you said, you said you were! You’ve got the pills right there!” 

I shrunk in on myself, tears in my eyes. “I…I stopped taking them. After you healed Ying. I just…I thought you might die, and…and if you did…I wanted…” 

I hiccuped and buried my head in my hands, ready for James to yell at me. I certainly deserved it. This had been a deliberate lie and deception. 

Only he didn’t. He got up, and I thought he was leaving. Only he came around to kneel in front of me, and took my hands. “Are you…are you that afraid for me?” he asked tenderly. 

I nodded, hiccuping slightly. And the idiot hugged me. 

“So, when you found out about…the pictures…you regretted it?”

“No,” I admitted. “I…I still want a baby, I just…I’m sorry. I should…I shouldn’t have lied.”

I could still feel his seed inside me, and I desperately hoped it would make me conceive. I’d never been afflicted with baby fever before, but I loved James so much it hurt, even, maybe especially, after what had happened. I was still in love with him, and while the wound would hurt for a long time…I loved him more than the pain, and I really had forgiven him. 

“Lucia, I…I’m not sure how I feel,” James admitted. “I do love you, I’m just…I’m worried about having a kid. This really is too fast. If you don’t want to be on birth control, I can get some condoms.”

“Aren’t you mad at me?” I asked, even as I clung to him.

“Well, yeah, a little,” he admitted. Still gentle. Still quiet. “But you told me the truth, and it’s only been a few days. Even if you are pregnant…we’ll figure out what to do. Together. It’s your choice, and I’ll respect that choice no matter what if you want to keep the baby, if there is one. I do love you, and I think I do want to have kids someday, just…not right now.”

I nodded, but I felt like he didn’t love me. Why wasn’t he yelling? Where was the passion? The romance? He was just…well, he wasn’t capitulating exactly, but he was being so damn calm about it! This was not a time to be calm!

“Fine,” I spat, and turned away. 

He extended a hand, then slowly withdrew it. “I’ll…I’ll go do the dishes.”

Then he did just that. I stewed for a bit, then I went out and helped. 

“Just so you know, this counts as even,” I told him, forcing myself not to yell even as I still felt the anger. I had forgiven him, and as scripture said, when you did that, you needed to let go of the anger. I always struggled with that part. 

“I don’t look at it that way,” he said, and I shot him an angry look. He couldn’t see me. I was to his left. I wilted. He continued, “It’s not about being even, or keeping score. It’s about loving one another. Even when times are hard. Even when you fight. So just know…I love you, Lucia Sussurro. No matter what.”

Alright, I melted. It wasn’t quite as good as more angry yelling, then make-up sex. But I cried a little and we hugged.


Then he did, in a very embarrassed voice, go ask Texas, who was at the door with Fang, to get us some condoms. Texas just nodded and trotted off, Fang actually blushed and stammered a bit. 

Then James closed the door, and we went back to our lives. I texted Texas and asked for a pregnancy kit. She didn’t respond, but when she came back, she had one. I took the test, and to my disappointment, it came back negative. I showed James, and he nodded, and we had sex again. 

With a condom. I guess at least one of us has his head on straight.