“Reach out if you need help! Suicide Hotline:”

Everyone is all about the importance of reaching out, and very few are there to answer the call when someone does.

“Reaching out” doesn’t necessarily mean telling someone, “I’m depressed” or “I’m anxious” or “I’m feeling really alone” or “I want to blow my brains out.”

“Reaching out,” more often than not, looks like, “Can we hang out soon?” It looks like, “You should come over!” It looks like double-texting, triple texting, quadruple texting. It looks like posting selfies and frequent status updates. It looks like telling someone you value their friendship or trying to reminisce.

It’s the classic tale of "Everyone Cares When It’s Too Late." If you’re not available or present enough in someone’s life to engage on a surface level, you’re probably not someone they’d go to if they were actually feeling suicidal.

It’s actually really not hard to answer a text message in a world where every person is on their phone all day, every day. You could definitely use some of the time you spend scrolling on TikTok to respond to someone who is trying to connect with you. Or instagram. Or Facebook.

I fell in the shower a couple days ago. Slammed my hip, sprained my neck a little. I told someone and they said “a lot of people die that way.” I know, I said. And everyone would pretend to care, I thought.

I spent a lot of time reaching out for help a couple years ago. Sometimes it was very clear: I am feeling unsafe in my own mind. Sometimes it was very surface: I really value our friendship, I just want to say thank you. But no one was there. No one came to help. No one went out of their way to reach out to me, just to share things with me, just to be a friend.

Then I was going viral online, and all of a sudden, so many people are so concerned for me! All of a sudden, I’m getting so many text messages about how much I’m cared for! Right under the ignored text messages saying, “I really value our friendship, I just want to say thank you.”

What it showed me is I don’t need anyone but My God. As a human being, that hurts. We’re meant to be with others. We’re social creatures. It is not good for man to be alone. But we’re not alone. Ever.

People look at me like I’m crazy because I ride so hard for God- but God rides hard for me. My ride or die, my best friend, my protector, my provider, my comforter. The Love of my life, He has my entire heart. In my human suit, I get lonely, sure. But my soul is never lonely.

How blessed I am. God has me all to Himself. I feel certain He wanted it that way, for the time being. 

As I reinvent myself, reintroduce myself- as I build meaningful connections all around me- I find myself finally letting go of the relationships I should have, with the people who don’t want them. Or, rather, with people who might want them, just so long as I allow their abuse. 

I’ve chosen peace, finally. Even though right now I feel tumultuous inside, I’ve chosen peace. Amen.