Patreon, R&P Q&A #268
Added 2024-05-08 19:30:15 +0000 UTChttps://rianstone.substack.com/p/how-exactly-do-you-take-the-red-pill if you're new, start here
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Forgot to mention - wife is 55, and she completed menopause about 18 months ago, but the sexual withholding started many years before.
Ground Hog Day
2024-05-09 20:07:56 +0000 UTC@Stripper, before I joined this group and started seriously working on myself I did chase the validation of people who I perceived were above me in status. Now I don't care that much.
Ban Mido
2024-05-09 18:17:56 +0000 UTCget rid of the home gym.
Op Sec
2024-05-09 17:57:22 +0000 UTCWhile there may be things you think you want in a long term partner. My theory is that if they aren't fucking you on the first date, then they are not for you. It's not as important to find a woman you like, it's more important that you find a woman that likes you(that's from pook). I assume every woman has had a one night stand, and if she isn't fucking you right away, then you rank below that guy she had a one night stand with. She doesn't want you, she wants to use you. As far as the test of frames. You don't try to pull someone into your frame. The stronger frame wins out. You have a strong frame and it pulls people in. Parents will test your frame, and that can make it stronger. Writing about examples of this might help.
Op Sec
2024-05-09 17:37:24 +0000 UTCFR: * Decided to "layoff" my plates by end of April. My dad is visiting the US and will be staying with me for a few months. Also I really wanted a break from spinning plates to focus on my gym, sleep, and career. Informed all of them that I won't be able to hangout/host any of them from May. * Last weekend I ended things with plate2. She's a great person and has been a non-issue plate but it's quite boring with her outside sex, which wasn't the best anyway. It was her birthday last Friday, took her out for dinner, went back to her place, gifted her a stuffed orange cat (she has a pet orange cat back in her home country) and explained to her she's better off finding someone better than me who'll grant her a monogamous serious relationship she deserves. She cried a bit but accepted things * Over the weekend, the Indian chick (29y/HB6), from a FR few weeks back, visited my town again. She's been quite accomodative; her bday is next week but when I told her to come a weekend before as I won't be able to hangout with my dad around, she changed her schedule based on what I want. She still claims she's not comfortable with sex yet and needs to "feel loved" before she be comfortable enough to have sex. She even said she has tried playing with adult toys but isn't big into sex. Her story seems believable but I think she's in the epiphany phase and just trying to lock me down. I did manage to escalate enough to finger her but couldn't get her off and she said she wasn't comfortable enough to have sex yet. She does have some of the traits I like in a potential longterm gf but I don't think I can be satisfied with shit sex longterm * Spinning plates for last few months made me realize it takes some effort and I really need to enforce boundaries with my time. Also drop plates that aren't fun or what I want in the longterm * Ever since my dad has come stay with me in my small studio apartment, it's becoming an interesting test of frames; he's trying to pull me into his frame while I'm resisting and trying to pull him into my lifestyle and schedule. Haven't had the greatest relationship with him growing up but ever since my mom passed away recently I've been trying to fix things with him. He's mellowed down a lot with age as well. I've forgiven him for all the shit; if anything I understand where he's from; a nice guy with anger issues.
Ban Mido
2024-05-09 17:26:52 +0000 UTCNot leaving house during the week, have a gym in my garage with full power rack. Go to local gym for isolation and hypertrophy focused training on weekend
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-05-09 17:17:21 +0000 UTCThanks for the feedback. I'm definitely looking. Taking every chance to go out and meet people, talk to girls. Sure, there is some looksmaxing on the side, but I think it's more for my self confidence and it's not my only focus.
perseus
2024-05-09 17:09:54 +0000 UTCFrame needs work. Mm: she is a teenager, a child when it comes to home repair. How would you treat a 9 year old that tried to help fix the vcr? But got the tape scrambled up. Me: you gave it the college try! lol! Please Don’t ever touch electronics again.. run along.
Cousin Eddie
2024-05-09 16:44:09 +0000 UTCYour comment: “vaping is gay as shit.” That is a you thing. I assure you. Nobody sees a guy vaping and gives a shit. Is it healthier? I don’t know. I think there are healthy-er types of vape concoctions. Move in that direction as it sounds like you are. Lurk, read, write…. Baby steps.
Cousin Eddie
2024-05-09 16:38:23 +0000 UTCYeah - married 30+ years. Last child just turned 21 (oldest is 29). I have been fighting the dead bedroom for 15 years, and done a ton of things - coaching, sex training, reading my ass off...helped somewhat - but I suspect my niceguyitis is deeply ingrained. She's not interested and I have lost interest in trying. The whole situation is a toxic environment for me. I could theoretically live up to 30-40 more years and would like to do so in peace, travel, run my business, and be happy to fuck 40 year olds.
Ground Hog Day
2024-05-09 16:34:34 +0000 UTCMy kid has been dragging home the plague as well. Sept.. through April: every two weeks is a new somthing. Nothing near as bad as your fn. ….. dr suck. They mask symptoms and give you antibiotics l. …. keep writing these kinds of fn and I will drop my health bucket on you. Lots of wo wo stuff that all works.
Cousin Eddie
2024-05-09 16:29:37 +0000 UTCIt comes off as begging. What I do: I am very irrational with texting. She texts: are you picking up the kid (whatever). Me: 🪂😈🍆💨. Her:…. Me: look, if you want to flirt with me, you should call! I touch her at home, not expecting to jump into bed most of the time. When I put the hard hit on it is just a look. An eye held a few seconds longer. A smirk. In front of the kids I talk in code. “Kid, tell momma she needs to calm down!” As I get close behind her. Subtext: I am implying wife wants to fuck me. Usually this is followed by a shit test . Her: “somebody needs to calm down and it is not me.. (wife)” Me: “can’t be me, I am calm as a cucumber. Whisper… One big calm cucumber. ” When you say gym bag … routine. Tell me that means you are leaving the house? That is important. That being said. complete scorched earth (as stripper talked about). Might be needed. Make sure you have a lawyer on speed dial.
Cousin Eddie
2024-05-09 16:03:25 +0000 UTCUsing it cause I once when I started dropped it on my chest. But what you're saying makes sense to me. I'll reduce the weight and will start normal bench press. Agree and amplify. My dad does it all the time. I can be okay with her shaming me for being like my dad. She anyway calls all my family mental. And maybe we are, but I guess who isn't. The cat thing sounds stupid to me too now. Lol. Fucking cat. I do have codependent and care taking behavior. NMMNG. WISNIFG. These are including the bar weight. 20kg. I'm 5'10, 62 kg. Skinny. Can see fibers now that im growing.
Duke of the Dunes
2024-05-09 15:44:53 +0000 UTCWrite out the details of the tests you think you are getting.
Op Sec
2024-05-09 15:29:45 +0000 UTC“I’m sick of your ass fetish, You should go marry a man.” and then you offer comfort. Fuck that. STFU and go do something else. Treat yourself as valuable. I love it when my wife sleeps in the other room. I get the whole bed to myself, sprawl out and sleep diagonally on it. Like a King. In my experience lots of sickness is caused by not enough protein in the diet. "I'm unsure how to compliment her without offending her" again in your wife's frame. What you want is to reinforce the behavior, even if that offends her. At least your better instincts kick in when she's rejecting you.
Op Sec
2024-05-09 15:27:27 +0000 UTCAt the last field report, I was given two options. Grab the KY and caveman, or zip up. Since attraction was likely the issue, caveman was suggested. I zipped up. I was finally able to do it, without feeling much about it, oh well. One thing it made me realize is that this isn’t my problem. First time wife didn’t want to have sex early on in the relationship. I told her, “I’m not happy with this”, I didn’t have to deal with it again for a time(years). When it came up again, it was ok, no big deal and that’s where the issues started. So next day, I grabbed the lube. I thought I would hate it, but it was surprisingly ok. Finished quickly. “Did you finish?”, “Yah”. I didn’t care, I’ve given up trying to get validation of being good in bed. It’s a nice guy thing. I saw something clicked in her, but I couldn’t tell what and didn’t try to swiss watch. We’ve been fucking regularly and I haven’t needed the lube since. I’ve started chatting my wife up before sex. I’ll be up front and tell her I want sex. Then I give her an opportunity to chat with me. She seems pleasantly surprised sometimes by it, and thanks me for being generous with my time. It seems to work like foreplay.= I had worked late and It left me feeling grouchy. Wife acted out. I yelled at her and she responded with “I’m not talking to you if you are going to talk to me like that”. “K”. It was manufactured outrage, I didn’t give a shit, part of me liked expressing my grouchiness and the other part understands the necessity. Afterwards it was nice and quiet and I felt better. She played the role of peacekeeper(It’s not my job to keep the peace, but it might be hers). Came to me apologized, had a covert contract about it when she said “I could have handled it better”, I played along, or maybe it’s just a fogging here. “I could have handled it better too”, kissed her forehead and she’s been sweet ever since. I had a string of negative responses or downright failures on my part when doing catch and release or just talking to the wife. I started to feel like a loser. I realized I had been doing all this shit for validation and it was these “failures” that helped me shed the validation seeking behavior. This took me back to my pick up days. Sometimes I’d be so beaten down at the club I would start to leave and chicks would approach me. Or I’d be leaving with a chick and some other chick would approach and try to be the one I left with. In general, every single time I expect a positive outcome, do the thing, I get a negative outcome. Every time I either don’t care about the outcome or expect a negative one, but do the thing anyway, I get a positive outcome. Getting beaten down, being hung over, exhausted from a weekend, or anything that brings my energy down gets me better social results. It was some round about way to get me to recognize validation seeking behavior in myself. Because of that I was able to stop it. Now everyone around me treats me better, but more so I’m more relaxed and my ability to focus has improved.
Op Sec
2024-05-09 15:06:46 +0000 UTCI fall into that trap. Almost going granite or rock instead of oak.
Validation Junkie
2024-05-09 14:49:02 +0000 UTCField Report #11 2024-05-09 Goals & Status – 2 Goals: (1) Health and Fitness (2) Assertiveness practice, No DEERING (1) Health and Fitness – good results this week. Height: 5’ 8”, Age 56 Weight: Target – 170 lbs, starting – 227 lbs, Current – 198.6 lbs, Weekly status – lost 2 lbs, 29 lbs total. The change last week to reduce macros seems to have restarted weight loss. I am pleased to have finally broken through the 200 lb barrier. Waist / Pants Size: Target – 30”, Starting – 40”, Current – 34”, Weekly status – I can now fit into 34 waist size pants – they are a bit snug but still look good. I consider this a big accomplishment. Daily Step Target: 12,000 per day. Weekly Average this week 23,000 steps Weekly Workouts: Target – 4 or 5 workouts with weights per week. Weekly status: 6 workouts Nutrition: Target – Meet Cal/Protein/Carb/Fat macros, Weekly status – met macros 5 out of 7 days (overrun on 2 days was made up for by underrun other days). (2) Assertiveness practice, No DEERing First, some comments on last week’s field report. During last week’s discussion you raised my awareness of something that I had no idea that I was doing (was totally subconscious), but in retrospect, it makes complete sense. Very relevant. You brought up the topic of the PAC model and me speaking to my wife from the rebellious / petulant teenager mindset. (To recap: It was on the topic of my wife trying to get me to do something, and me saying “No, you do it.” (so instead of me be assertive and STFU, I was being assertive and then trying to command my wife). That is spot on, and I didn’t realize it. My parents always considered me the “rebellious” child in my house...and apparently, I have carried this behavior into my middle-aged adulthood. Now I am looking out for this pattern and consciously trying to interrupt it when I see it. This is a big negative pattern that is likely impacting my credibility and leadership in a number of areas. Now, for the report: I am still sleeping in the guest bedroom but otherwise being much more visible around the house so as not to isolate myself. Strangely, this week was incredibly peaceful. Relations with the wife were platonically pleasant. I did not attempt to fuck her, and I had no opportunities to be assertive except a few times where she tried to get me to walk the dog. I said yes one time so that I could get more steps towards my daily step goals, and all the other times I just said “No” with no deering, or explanations, or commanding her or any of the shit from last week. I wish I had more to report, but it truly was a quiet week. I had little to no anger this week, which was nice for a change. My wife was unusually pleasant, and it seemed like she was trying to get me to talk with her constantly. We had several conversations that required no assertiveness on my part. The most noteworthy thing is that she asked my advice about her being offered a full-time position at her work; and we had a collaborative discussion about it. She is going to take it. I am happy with that for a number of reasons. That’s all for now.
Ground Hog Day
2024-05-09 14:04:16 +0000 UTC#2 The feedback you gave me last time was only mildly helpful but that is completely on me. I wildly overestimated the importance of my feelings. Guess the feedback was helpful in this regard. I will try focusing on my goals this time and give context where it is necessary. It might be a bit long, but I will try to keep future field reports shorter. SOME CONTEXT ON THE WEED SMOKING I did indeed smoke almost daily for many years with only few breaks. It was stupid and I quit the daily smoking since. Only smoke occasionally now, mostly on the weekends & with friends. On a side note I used to play a lot of video games as well, on a daily basis. But this has also become much more of an occasional relaxing activity and less of an addiction. I think the simulated progress part of it has less of a pull on me since quitting the daily weed habit. DIET I have a good grasp on calorie counting, macros and fasting (intermittent and extended). I don't do strict counting right now but I do eyeball macros and calories. Since my activity levels vary, I get my estimated expenditure from my watch, which is not precise but seems to suffice. I take my weight every morning on an empty stomach and write it down in a file on my computer. A small script I wrote will then calculate the 7 day rolling averages, plot it and set it as my wallpaper. From now on I will talk in terms of those averages as the daily fluctuations tend to sometimes be bigger than the weekly changes of the average (hence the 'around 99kg' in my last FR). For a secondary metric, I went to my gym last friday and had my body fat % measured. Those were my stats: Weight: 97.9 kg Body fat: 24.8% Muscle mass: 42.5 kg I talked to my trainer and we set a goal of 15% body fat, which should be around 87 kg. It seems I have been living in denial, much more weight to lose than I anticipated. We will repeat measurements at the gym every 6 weeks. The goal is to lose 0.7 kg every week. (Trainer says I should not aim for more in the long run, as it will get unhealthy) This means around 700 calories deficit a day and it should take around 16 more weeks. For the sake of specificity I will set the deadline to September, 1st. Quite ambitious I think but fuck it, let's aim high. This is my past and current progress: Starting weight beginning of April: 103.8 kg Average weight last week: 98.4 kg Average weight this week: 97.9 kg (- 0.5kg) Unfortunately I missed my target for the first time this week but I tend to think that's because I started lifting again, which usually makes me gain some weight immediately. Water retention is my guess. I will keep a close eye on it and will try to adjust if necessary. The next weigh in at the gym might also paint a clearer picture. FITNESS My main goal is definitely lifting. My exercise plan is hand crafted for me by the owner of my gym. It is a full body plan that includes some machines (e.g. dip machine, belt squats) and some dumbbell/barbell stuff (e.g. bench press, bicep curls). Will graduate to a split at some point. Right now my focus is going at least twice a week and working up to three times. I'm trying to increase intensity and frequency slowly, so I can see whether my health can keep up. Might be easier this time around without the stress of dying relationship. Anyway: went twice last week and twice this weeks already so I'm on track. SOCIAL LIFE I went to the Salsa class and it was demanding but fun. Physical contact with so many different women was far beyond my comfort zone, especially with the cuter ones. I guess eye contact as well but I think I managed that part well. Some people went to a bar afterwards and I tagged along for a beer. Talked to some more people and especially girls, but not in a super flirty way. I'm not even sure if I'm ready for more than pleasant conversation and building of social circles right now but I will keep an open mind and an eye out for opportunities. I definitely need to get laid at some point, but I don't know if I'm there yet. You suggested improv class instead. I will keep this in the back of my mind as an option but I'm not really sure that's what I need (see below). I'm not socially inept by any stretch of the imagination and can be quite quick witted and funny, sometimes even the life of the party. Women do sometimes find me interesting when I don't give a fuck, but I'm clumsy when I do and have little experience with being proactive, as past relationships kinda fell into my lap. Personally I tend to think that I just need some exposure / desensitization to (attractive) women so I can get out of my head and stop being shy for no reason and then slowly build flirting skills. This is something I definitely actively avoided in the past, both by hiding in failing relationships and by staying at home, smoking weed. You were right on with the fear of abandonment but so was Stripper with the fear of rejection. Therefore going to the dancing class took all my courage even without the risk of angering a significant other. Hell even signing up for the gym was a bit of a challenge. I guess you can call me Mr. Comfort-Zone. So this is what I am trying to conquer right now. Making it normal to interact with (a lot of) girls plus building new social circles and opportunities to capitalize on later (or sooner, we'll see). Please tell me what you think. MISC Started reading No More Mr Nice Guy again for good measure. Trying to go out as much as possible and do as many activities with friends as possible. Just finding back into my own groove I suppose. Hikes, playing pool, going for beers, cooking sessions, anything really. Maybe you are right about the ex and she is already over it. No way to know for sure. Not gonna lie to myself and pretend like I don't want the old relationship back, when it was still really good. HOWEVER, I will focus on my goals right now (diet, lifting, sourcing new girls), as the old me couldn't be or stay happy regardless of the circumstances. If this will kill the desire for my ex, so be it. If it doesn't, it's still a necessary development. I promised myself to not be part of any relationship where the girl is not crazy for me ever again. Right now I can't pledge to not take her back, if she (really) wants it in the future, though. Sue me. She is getting her last stuff from my place on the weekend it seems, after which we will cut contact for a while. EVEN MORE INFORMATION ABOUT MY FEELINGS Just kidding. I hope my second FR was better than my first one.
perseus
2024-05-09 13:28:23 +0000 UTCI agree on not having a specific activity in mind, aside from working out. A lot of the things I’ve been doing besides workout are home projects I neglected but I’m doing them with the cover contract of getting validation from my wife for doing them. Issue is I’m not sure what I want outside of sex from a sexually available woman. My primary focus was always trying to get sex rather than accomplishing a non-sexual goal or being good at something in interested in.
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-05-09 12:46:03 +0000 UTC3rd report video #268 Building muscle. I look better everyday. Feels good. Started tracking weight. Workout A Barbell row 42.5 kg 93.7 lbs bad form Bench press 52.5 kg 115.7 lbs on Smith machine Squat 40 kg 88 lbs Workout B Squat 40 kg 80 lbs Overhead press 27 kg 59.5 lbs Deadlift 40 kg 80 lbs? Bad form, getting better Went back to my hometown to my parents for a visit. Bought them an air conditioner. Struggled a bit with validation seeking internally, but realised and acknowledged it while it was happening and stopped it consciously. Now it's just logistics. Or atleast reminded myself of that. Had a little chat with mom cause she like always was signalling me to act in her desired way to ease her anxiety. I told her don't try to control me mom. It is shitty. I try to ignore her attempts by just nuking them. But I feel really bad afterwards. So just sticking with it hoping she stops once she realises I'm going to be this way. Or I'll develop a thick skin. Let's see. With my girl, she has been struggling with WISNIFG stuff, concluding this from all the RP content I've consumed. She has a problem where her cousins manipulate her for money. We have an employee, he gives some sod story and churns out cash and has increased his debt with her. And now I'm helping her with my money to get by. Do I suggest her reading the book. I myself haven't read it properly yet. Also I can't help thinking what if she uses assertive stuff on me? But then I'm thinking if the thing being said makes sense then I shouldn't see it as a concern, rather an opportunity to keep my shit sorted. How do I go forward with this? I've realised I DEER a lot. In my head I'm explaining the logic. Now, I'm trying to stay mindful these days to just reply with a "yeah, yep and that's right" for things which don't need an explanation. What I'm trying is to think, before deciding to do something, whether it's trivial or not, so that if someone/my girl questions randomly I'm prepared that it's only a trivial thing which won't require an explanation. Will have to see if it works in long run. Suggest if you guys know any better mental mechanism. Also she has a cat which I've also developed affection for. Now the cat started behaving weirdly these days after I started gaining muscle. Maybe a hormone thing animals can smell. Sometimes she acts scared and sometimes behaves like I'm her gang leader. Would sit next to me in an irregular pose. Now my girl because of her non assertiveness problem, has been very stressed. And is connecting random dots like the cat is missing her and how she can't give her enough attention. Then one day I think she was pms-ingand the cats acting scared of me, my girl asked me to stay at mine for a few days. I didn't like it much. I said I have similar plans like staying at my place more. My mistake here was that I made my presence very common. Obviously she'll take me for granted. Next day she asked to stay after the cats behaving like im her gang leader again. I don't know if it's just that she's hormonal and behaves weirdly sometimes but I don't think it's good in long run so I need to actively make my presence scarce. Also my girl is trying to lose fat or get fit as she says, she's slightly chubby. Some belly fat. Does those fancy HIT yoga mat workouts. Anything to suggest her which actually works. Don't know how women lose fat they don't have testosterone as much as us. She likes swimming, so I've told her to train like a swimmer instead of just swimming, also hitting the gym, also the work and long nights for the production house work. Then having sex with me every night before we pass out. Ends up being a lot. Has to be one thing. Only swimming and work out to become a better swimmer not a gymmer. What do you guys think of this? Please share if something has worked for your girl.
Duke of the Dunes
2024-05-09 09:15:12 +0000 UTCYou can ask you PT while doing PPL to help you with squat, barbell row and deadlift forms. I am going really slow cause I have a bad form and a bad posture. PT can help you get quicker results safely. These three exercises I've mentioned are part of 5x5 stronglifts.
Duke of the Dunes
2024-05-09 08:11:15 +0000 UTCYour family lacks general immunity. You can get blood test done for b12 and d3 deficiency. Usually ginger, turmeric and Indian gooseberry on regular are good for overall immunity. If stomach is upset as in your sons case. Check if the gut bacteria is not disrupted. We here in India consume Curd(yogurt's dad) which helps with the gut biome. But there are people who're lactose intolerant in US a lot. Assuming you're from there try probiotics to be included in your diet. These are home remedies for long term results. For the butt thing, you can get a small vibrating butt plug for her. Shouldn't hurt but you'll feel the vibration while you're in the front hole too. And shes more likely to develop a thing for her asshole stimulation because of the vibration tingling maybe one of these days she might ask you to fuck her in the ass. Make sure it's a small one. Also ease it in the fuck process. Longer foreplay sessions are good introductions for you to figure out if she is positive for the idea. And for the compliment thing you can ask her to put on a dress she used to wear when she was thinner. She wears it. You can compliment her on that. Or she already might be trying her old clothes and is more into her weight loss than you are. And you just saying that looks hot on you about something which didn't fit her might reinforce her to lose more weight cause whatever math we're trying here for her weight loss, chances are she's already thought of it. Like I'm able to put these pants again. I've lost so much weight. Also you can just nuke it all and get her something which you would like on her and is good for her size now.
Duke of the Dunes
2024-05-09 07:56:09 +0000 UTCYou're coming off as a desperate trickster in your interactions to me. So I'm not sure if you were being creepy while escalating. By creepy i mean someone who is constantly thinking of touching a girl in public places and goes ahead and does it. Tell me what does it remind you of? The moslestors in Japanese porn. So I think you need to check that part once. Another thing I think you need to pre decide what do you have to do when rejected. Have something real and when she asks what's wrong? You point at the thing you're doing and describe something specific with rhe activity. That'll tell her you don't care much if shot down and it's not the essential vitamin for your day to be good. For eg, you got shot down. You went to the garage to fix your car. You know whats wrong with the car and you try your hands on it. She comes asks what's wrong. You still looking at the engine say the fanbolt is loose, fucker makes a ton of noise each time I put the damn car in reverse. Then look at her and say, " But no big deal, im on it now. " Get back to the engine. But you know, have something cause getting shot down is a regular for you it seems. Also that 'It'll be fun. I wanna have sex. " While she's saying no. That's kinda rapey in girls mind. And you dont want that image association for yourself. So first NO should be enough. I'm guessing you lack manly behaviours or are not congruent with them, so shes not buying your escalations as real. So I think other areas need work where it has nothing to do with sex but her sexualizing you and you're excelling or dominant. That'll let her have a chance to observe you alone and build her fantasy again for you and then reward you with sex. Only if she's interested of course.
Duke of the Dunes
2024-05-09 06:55:45 +0000 UTCThanks stripper
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-05-09 04:32:06 +0000 UTCField Report #3 Had two different situations that came up where I was able to practice recognizing times to stfu. With the first conversation I brought it on myself, and was about half way in before I recognized the error I had made. Situation #1 My grandparents in law came to stay with us this last week. I forgot that the she is old school women’s empowerment. My grandmother-in-law used to be a body builder. I brought it up after they left. Of course this brought up a host of things about me being the same way just for men. I started to feel like I had to explain away why I wasn’t such a misogynist asshole. It was then that I realized it was past time to shut the fuck up. I used agree and amplify to basically bow out of the conversation. “Yeah you are right I am the world’s biggest misogynist, you are lucky I even let you drive. Now hurry up and cook me that smash burger.” (She was cooking) I cut that thread as fast as I could and switched to a new conversation. I learned two good lessons from this, the first one was there was zero point to bringing that conversation up. I brought it up for my own verbal intercourse (let me red pill you lady!) Second lesson I learned is that I can cut a thread and pivot even if it is my own conversation. Situation #2 Small back story, my oldest daughter I had with a baby momma. My daughter lives with us. Long story made super short. I made plans for my daughter to go see her mom which is an out of state visit. My wife of course had some issue with the logistics and thought it should be done another way. I started in on the my usual explaining to get her to see it my way. “Well we need to do it this way because of (insert logistics).” I wish I had recognized the deering like two sentences prior but oh well…baby steps. I must admit that I am working on undoing a life time of single mother broken programming. So I stopped and said “I know you don’t like the plan, and this is just how it has to be.” That stalled the conversation. Thank God. Got to the gym, took the kids to the play zone and instead of standing around waiting for her to get done signing the kids in, I walked out and scanned myself in. I heard he say my name so I stopped. Her: hey I am going to go to the bathroom. Me: ok Usually I sit and stretch with her, instead I just went right over and started lifting. I have warm up sets and don’t need to do sit with her and do Pilates to get ready for a lift. Shortly after that my wife came by and gave me a kiss. Everything was very pleasant after that. Went back home, showered and got a heart felt mouth hug (bj). I know this isn’t the last I am going hear of the visitation deal. Pretty much to point where it is what it is and I can’t make everyone happy. I took care of a few items that I would usually leave for my wife to do, sign my son up for baseball, made a doctors appointment. A couple of days later: Got up on Cinco de Mayo and made a plan to get all the fixings and told the wife what we were going to do for the day. Bought all the fixings (got near beer) and enjoyed the holiday even though I didn’t drink like I usually would. Had fun with the family, went to bed early and got up for the 6am bjj (adult karate) class. Made it to Bjj 4 days and Lifted 4x this week. Becoming consistent. Worked on adopting the mental model that “All feelings are dumb and you should feel dumb for having them” Working on STFU and recognizing when I need to quicker.
Validation Junkie
2024-05-09 03:47:28 +0000 UTCField report #15 Stayed at 195. Back into normal workout cadence this week without any work trips. Logistics heavy week getting ready for a house party on the weekend. Wife and I had separate logistics to take care and she took direction from me with a good attitude. A few days before the party our electronic gate starting acting up so I disconnected it in the morning. Came back after the gym and its all fucked up. Its clear the wife messed with it and it is now broken. I was pissed because I have worked a ton to fix it previously and now my work was undone. Went into the house and asked if she messed with the gate, she said yes, I told her it is broken now and I'm gonna have to fix it again and I am pissed about it. The rest of the night she didn't want to talk much and was distant. I didn't try to fix it or ask what is wrong, mind of a goldfish on my part. Next morning she is still distant, I ignore it and act my normal self. I get a text from her while I am work where she says when I put my frustrations on her it makes her feel stupid and when I ignore when she is upset she feels insignificant. I know the guidance is text is for logistics only. In the past I have flat out ignored it and it turns into a bigger emotion on her end letting it simmer all day. I tried an approach of acknowledging her feelings and not making an excuse for my anger the night before. Told her it sucks my frustration about the gate made her feel shitty, I get how that can make her feel stupid and insignificant and that we can reconnect when I get home. Got a text back saying she needed this with a crying emoji. When I got home she didn't even mention it. This has blown up in my face in the past when I would text her my justification trying to defend it or just outright ignore it. Tried this approach deliberately to see what outcome I would get by acknowledging her feeling but not DEERing. Wife's cousin passed away suddenly a few weeks ago and once the party was over, kids in bed and friends left she just broke down. The memorial service was the next day a few hours away. Held her tight and told her I got her. Reflected her emotions back to her and what a shitty situation it was. By the time we got back to the bedroom started making out and had energetic sex. She was on her period and we haven't had sex on her period in a long time. She got an ice pack from the freezer for her pussy after we finished which we both got a good laugh about it. I would never have thought to funnel that type of emotional response into sexual energy previously.
Amos_Durden
2024-05-09 02:29:45 +0000 UTCYou’re right. This just happened tonight: Flirted when home, on and off. Cleaned up dinner then put my kid down. I go into the bedroom to initiate with my wife. She’s naked getting ready to go into the shower. I come over to initiate and she pulls away from me. Me: “Come here.” *She doesn’t say anything and keeps looking at herself in the mirror.* *I pull her into me and pull her chin up so she’s looking at me.* Her: ”What!?....” Me: I’m washing your body tonight. Her: No thank you. Me: then let me know when you’re done with your shower. *ignores me* Me: Let me know when you’re done with your shower. *continues to ignore me* *I pull her back to me and pull her in by the waist, slowly moving my hand up towards her breast* Me: Let me know when you’re done with your shower, I’ll be back. Her: No thank you. I don’t want to do anything. Me: Have a nice shower. *I leave and go downstairs to get work done* It’s very apparent I still have a covert contract that I can get her to want to fuck me when she’s giving me every signal that she’s simply not interested and apathetic towards me. I’m talking it personally as a hit to my ego instead of focusing on being more attractive and fuckable.
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-05-09 02:28:47 +0000 UTCField Report #2 Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my first FR. Seems like the consensus is ‘baby steps / one thing at a time’, which makes perfect sense. That’s what I’ll be doing. I’ll get to it straight away. * Physical Still hitting the gym. At 5’5 / 163 lbs (165cm / 74 kg) I look like a skinny-fat runt with a little beer gut. If I were a girl, can’t say I would be attracted. I’m new to the gym, so I have access to a PT for a month or so and have been put on a push/pull/legs program with a blend of free weights/machines. I’ll probably switch to one of the traditionally recommended programs (Stronglifts or something like that) once I’m done with the PT but, since I have it now, I’m using it to learn half-decent form. Anyway, I’ve been going every day. Not because of the physical aspect, but because it gets me out of the house. I’ve made it a priority. It’s after dinner and the kitchen’s a mess? Doesn’t matter, I’m going. I’m behind on emails and should catch up? Doesn’t matter, I’m going. Rest days? I’m still going, even if only to walk on the treadmill for 30m. Nutrition is still a bit messed up, but I’m doing my best to clean things up. I’ve cut down on alcohol (used to drink 2 pints / half a bottle of wine every night), replaced it with water (2L min everyday), and I’ve cut down on most of my shitty meals and replaced it with healthy alternatives (don’t really want to bother you with the details, but think ‘salmon, eggs, and aspargus vs pizza’). After 15 years of heavy smoking, I’ve also replaced cigarettes with vaping. I no longer wake up feeling as if I’ve licked an ashtray, nor do I smell like volcano ash all the time. Sure, vaping is gay as shit, but I guess it’s a step in the right direction. Also started some basic skin care (pretty much just washing my face and moisturizing it—not exactly Patrick Bateman over here). I’m not hyper-focused on looks, though: mostly, I’m just trying to look after myself and trying to cut down on shitty habits when I identify them. I’ve been neglecting my health (and appearance) for a long time, and I it’s time that changed. * Readings I’m going through No More Mr. Nice Guy (again—had already speed-read through it) and taking my time with the exercises. It’s weird, because almost everything in it is extremely obvious, if not self-evident, but it’s not exactly easy to apply. For instance, making my needs a priority: I was so consumed with taking care of the house, pleasing everyone at work, etc, that I have to think very, very hard about what my needs and wants are. If you ask me what I’d like to do this weekend, I’d draw a blank—outside of doing stuff with the family/wife, working, or doing chores/errands, I have no idea what I’d like or want to do. The gym has been helping with this: I’m doing it for myself and no one else, and I’m making it a priority. Feels a bit odd to leave the kitchen a fucking mess and go to the gym, not gonna lie, but it’s also refreshing to put myself first for once. I always assumed that the ‘Lift’ meme was mostly about getting oneself into shape, but now I realize that it goes deeper than that. If you have no spine, carving a block of time just for yourself feels like a big step in the right direction. STFU I’m still keeping my mouth shut when I’m not sure how to respond, and I guess I’ll be doing this for quite a while. I have a basic idea of what shit tests/comfort tests/shitty comfort tests are, but I can’t really identify them during an interaction, and I sure as hell don’t know how to pass them successfully. So, if the wife is acting particularly bitchy, I just shrug it off, smirk, and don’t engage. I’ve been acting like this for a couple of weeks now, and the one thing I notice is that her bitchiness remains contained if I don’t engage/feed it. Seems obvious, but before I just couldn’t resist acting all butthurt when I felt attacked or whatever. Either way, this is going to be a process, and I’m here for it.
Whisky Writer
2024-05-09 00:56:07 +0000 UTC262-268 v2 It's been a while since my last post. Life has been hectic with moving to a new house, dealing with family illnesses, and taking on extra responsibilities. About two months ago, I encountered a situation that left me unsure of how to handle it. We had intimacy on Saturday night after about a week since our last session. Initially, my wife seemed sore but still interested, as she had a heat pack on her back and left the light on in the ensuite. I made some moves, but she appeared unreceptive. However, when I started to leave, she made a sound indicating she wanted me to stay (like “please fuck me”). I proceeded to initiate intimacy, but things took an unexpected turn. As we got into it, I was fingering her, then wet her ass, and ended up slipping inside her ass and cumming. She didn't seem to protest during the act, but afterward, she became upset, accusing me of rape and expressing frustration about my preferences. “I’m sick of your ass fetish, You should go marry a man.” I was at a loss for words and tried to reassure her, but she remained distant. She retreated to the couch, refusing my attempts to comfort her. Despite my efforts, she insisted on sleeping apart. The night was further complicated by our son's illness, which required my attention. In the end, I retreated to bed feeling uncertain about how to navigate the situation. But things seem to be fine after a couple of days, and it’s now a long distant memory. However, life has continued to be a whirlwind of moving house, renovations, settling into the new home, and dealing with family health issues. Everyone (except me) has been unwell over the last 2-3 months, with our son experiencing particularly severe symptoms, waking multiple times each night, vomiting, coughing fits, blood nose, etc. Multiple doctor visits and calls resulted in sweet fuck all help from them. (this is still ongoing , however the vomiting has dissipated now but still waking each night, so my sleep has been fucked for 2-3 months now) The only thing I can really do it go to sleep earlier which I have been doing my best to do. He had 3 different viruses, 1 of which is called whooping cough / pertussis (aka 100 day cough) So I think we all got hit with that however it’s hit him particularly hardest Most recently, my wife was bedridden for a couple of weeks with a serious bug, which added to the chaos. negative for COVID and everything else, perhaps a new strain ? but it was way worse then we we had it a few years back Despite the challenges, I managed to juggle responsibilities and even took some time off work to support the family. On a positive note, my wife has lost about 10KG during this period, though I'm unsure how to compliment her without offending her. She still has progress to make, but she's looking better overall. how do I positively reinforce this,? However, further to this, last Sunday, she seemed receptive. However, I had scheduled a dad-daughter night to watch the game on TV, and my wife made a fuss about it ("So you're watching the game?"). This seemed to trigger her, and she has been in a foul mood the past few days. Likely the stress of returning to work coupled with lack of intimacy. I realize I got a bit overly needy for the past few days since she got “better” and perhaps came on too strong, which further exacerbated her pullback. I don't think we have had intimacy for a good month now. Doing some Reno work at night to keep busy and also Went for a walk last night to get out of the house. Update Had some better reception during the day today Much more pleasant and receptive to kino etc however attempt to smash at night was no go So just did gym bag routine Kiss on head Me: I’m heading out Her: Where you going Me: Just out Her: Is that how it is? Me: Yep 👍🏼 Goes off to walk for an hour or so
Fez
2024-05-08 23:25:59 +0000 UTCKid was watched all weekend so just wife and I Fri-Sun. FRIDAY: Go out for a drink after work with my wife and talk for about two hours at a bar down the street. Touched her thighs, back, neck, shoulder, usual stuff to practice blending intimacy and sex. Come home and grab her ass walking in the door and going up the stairs. I let the dogs out and come upstairs, change while she’s doing her business in the bathroom. I go eat dinner then come back up to initiate again. I go kiss her while sliding my hand under the blankets to run my hand down her thigh. Her: I don’t want to do anything tonight. Me: it’s been a long while, let’s do something. Her: I already told you I don’t want to. I leave and go work on something productive. SATURDAY: Denied all day. Just practiced OODA loops, tried catching covert contracts, and focused on getting my own work done after going to get groceries with my wife in the morning. Tried initiating in the morning and got a hard no. Flirty touching then completely cold while grocery shopping. Went in for a kiss V and to grab her as and got a “no not here in the store.” Denied rest of night multiple times so went to work on things I needed to do. SUNDAY: Got hard no’d sunday morning so went downstairs to start my day. An hour later I was asked “what’s wrong” by my wife then again several times throughout the morning. I said “I’m fine” and kept doing my own stuff each time. Clearly I'm still acting butthurt or letting it change my body language even if I try to not be butt hurt in my mind. Something to work on and will likely get better with true outcome independence. I was pissed at getting rejected all weekend (was not truly OI) but actively practiced touching her and giving her a kiss here and there to blur the lines between intimacy and sex, even though in my mind she didn’t deserve it. Later that afternoon… Her: Is something wrong? You seem pissed off? Me: No, I'm fine. Her: Are you sure? Me: I want to have sex, but otherwise I'm great. No response from the wife. So I go work on my shit. On our way home from ice cream with our kid that night… … chatting… Me: we’ll get the kid to bed right when we get home Her: And I’m taking a shower Me: I’ll help get you all soapy and wash your body. Her: No thank you. Me: Then let me know when you're done and we’ll have some “fun” (PG with kid in car) Her: I don’t want to have any fun. Me: Why not? Her: because I don’t want to. Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had any “fun” together Her: Yes, I know it has.” (getting agitated) Me: So let's do something about it. Her: No, I'm not in the mood. I don’t want to. Me: I STFU until we get home and go work on my shit. After I put our kid down I go to the bathroom where my wife is undressing for a shower. Me: Hey sexy. Her: hi. (gets in shower and closes shower door) I slide open the shower door… Me: You sure you don’t want to do anything? Her: Yes, I already told you. Me: okay. (turn and leave closing door behind me) Q1: What are you guys saying or doing as your initiation or escalation in situations like this? I catch myself overthinking trying to think of the right thing to say. Everything I say or think about saying, to me, comes off as desperate, needy, and unattractive. Q2: for those who fixed their LTR or marriage and had a woman who wasn’t attracted to them, what method of initiation did you find success with as you started the process? Q3: I’m probably on the spectrum here, but what are some examples of a “soft no? Last week Rian mentioned I was probably getting “soft No’s” and could have pushed further. This past week when I didn't get a BS manipulative response like: “I have a headache” “I’m tired” "I want to finish what I'm doing first” “I feel gross” “I’m sore” “My neck hurts” “I’m reading” “Maybe later” I kept getting the following responses: “Not right now” “No, I don’t want to” “I don’t want to do anything” “I don’t want to have any fun right now” “I don’t want to have sex.” “Not now” …Silence and her pretending to not hear me. …Heard me but chose to not acknowledge my advance. I repeat myself or ask if she heard me and then she says she heard me but gives one of the responses above. Any response that forms in my head always seems so weak, childish, and unattractive so I usually repeat myself or take the L, gym bag it, and try initiating again later. I tried doubling down saying “come on it’ll be fun” or “it’s been a while” or “come here” or escalating my touch further… but got a no each time. 90% of the time I get met with a broken record response, a hard NO, or a “I already told you I don’t want to have sex.” Q:4 What would you suggest saying in response to “soft NOs”? I feel like I'm missing something… like it’s not clicking for me but should. Usually my wife uses broken record and repeats the “ soft no” back at me until I leave her alone. While I’m using my wife as a punching bag to practice all these skills, I’m trying to get an idea if what I’m saying and doing as initiation is actually attractive and it’s just my wife, or if I’m just saying and doing unattractive things which is contributing to the results I get.
Alligator_Snapping_Turtle
2024-05-08 22:57:14 +0000 UTC
