So You Wanna Rent A Whore

I was asked recently via IG what the proper way might be to go about purchasing time with a friendly neighborhood sex worker, and while I’ve discussed many of the considerations I have as a provider, it’s been a while since I’ve gone over the customer end of the exchange (beyond purchasing happy ending massages).

There are so many different services whores provide, from being arm candy and flirtatious company, lap dances in the privacy of your home, erotic massages, hand jobs, blow jobs, to full service, and so much in between. It’s important to know what you’re actually looking for. Nowadays, even with the damaging effects SESTA/FOSTA has had on purchasing sex work online, most sex workers post ads online. There are numerous platforms and the dominant pages vary depending on where you live. I’ve talked about Eros, Tryst, What’s Your Price, and Seeking Arrangement, but many people opt to proposition sex workers via social media or dating apps. If you want to do this, please think twice. While many sex workers advertize via vanilla social media platforms, your request for sexual services could get us flagged, and deplatformed. I hate it when people hit me up via IG or Patreon for services. I depend on financial support from both of these platforms, and would be significantly impacted if I was deplatformed. If you’re interested in someone you found via social media, search their bio for an email address, a linktree with contact information, or DM them asking if they have a preferred email for business inquiries. Keep it professional in the DMs. I prefer communication via email. Even though I know that there are not really many safe mediums to discuss sex work, email is the best place to begin establishing a connection. I suggest keeping emails brief and not going into too much detail about what you want. That’s a conversation best had via Signal, or some other encrypted messaging and video chat service. Be discreet with whatever you type, or else you might get blocked, but reach out, be polite, ask if they are accepting in-person customers, and leave your best contact information. This may not work. We all screen clients, and like any dating service, there’s always a chance that we might metaphorically swipe left on you. Don’t take it personally. As I’ve said before, a good whore is hard to find, or perhaps more specifically, the right whore for you is hard to find.

Let’s say you get an affirmative response from a sex worker, and you now have their number. Don’t get upset if it’s a Google number. Y’all are both strangers, and we live in an unsafe world. Don’t be so self-absorbed that you take our safety precautions personally. Schedule a video chat. It saves hours of leg work. You will likely run across a lot of bots and scammers who “want to meet,” schedule a date, and suddenly “get a flat tire and need cash to uber to you,” or some other excuse. Video chats sort out the serious providers from the bots, scammers, and those who aren’t actually looking to book clients whether at that moment or ever. I always suggest using Signal, Telegraph, Zoom, or some other service that doesn’t involve sharing your personal phone number. You’re meeting a stranger on the internet, while lots of people are chill and sane, there are plenty of people/bots who are not, and there’s plenty of malware out there data mining. Protect yourself and your anonymity while you’re getting to know your escort.

Cut to the part where you’re sure you’re talking to a human, make sure you’re prepared to compensate them for the consultation. Even if this person isn’t the one for you, it’s courteous to tip $50-$100 for the call. They’ve exposed themself to you and risked the legal precussions of being a sex worker, the least you can do is not be a shitty time waster. It establishes a level of respect and appreciation, that will pay off in good will and trust. If you don’t like the person, after you’ve tipped them, you can thank them for their time and clearly convey that you are not interested in buying their services. Nobody likes guessing games. Especially in this economy. If you like the person, ask them what services they are willing to provide and what their price points are. Do not haggle. It’s so tacky. You’re buying a luxury service, you should be prepared to pay luxurious prices. If you can’t afford a sex worker’s rate, politely decline and continue your search for a sex worker who is within your price range. Or, save your money and call it a splurge. There’s nothing wrong with occasionally spending money on erotic companionship.

Let’s say you can afford your sex worker’s rates for the services you are looking for. Clearly explain what exactly you want, and begin going over the logistics for the booking. Some sex workers have a space where they work from, others prefer to travel to you. Most sex workers are not immediately ready to hop-to for an outcall at a moment’s notice. Schedule ahead and then prior to your date, check in to see if your provider still has your date marked in their calendar. Do not use language that could get flagged or used against you in court. Call your session a date, because that’s what it is, even if there’s payment involved, it still wags and barks like a date. Before your date, shower and groom yourself like a fucking adult. Make sure you have snacks or offer dinner options, and drinks if your escort likes to drink. Ask them what they like, and be courteous. At least have an energy bar and some water bottles handy.

Perusing clients often get caught up in the fantasy of the exchange without considering the physical reality of the other person in the room. The first interaction you have with a sex worker is a lot like a blind date with a degree of awkwardness and not knowing what quirks might materialize once the photo or video call is present in front of you. Most people enter in with a degree of shyness and hesitation. It’s natural. While many people imagine an inherent power dynamic stilted against the sex worker, it’s often the clients who are the awkward ones. Our job is to feign comfort even when we’re uncomfortable. Of course, we’re all human, and that isn’t always possible. I’ve been incredibly awkward during first meetings. Not only that, but I’m usually at least a little scared. Men are historically dangerous, and sex workers are more than aware of the possibility that any encounter could become an assault, whether it be at the hands of a regular predator or a law enforcement agent predator. It is important to do your best to assuage these concerns by being aware of our fear, and doing your best to create a safe and friendly environment. Not all sex workers will accept food or drinks for fear of being roofied. We will more likely accept unopened bottles than ones that have clearly been opened before. Having unopened bottles and packaged refreshments is a considerate gesture. Another way to curry favor is to hand over cash up front. We’ve all been stiffed before, and it’s terrible. Since this is your first time meeting your sex worker, hand over the money immediately. It’s a way you can show that you are both taking a leap of faith and trusting each other not to fuck the other over.

Sometimes, once you are both together breathing the same air, you may realize that you do not have any chemistry or attraction to your provider, however once you’ve made it to irl, you’re in too deep to completely call off the transaction. While you’re never obligated to have sex, you are obligated to pay your escort what you agreed to. Some escorts are kind and might let you out of it. Some may even be cool with you paying half if no sexual services are rendered. But if you are feeling like you need to call it off once you’re in person, just realize that a large part of any monetized sexual exchange is the acceptance of a lot of risk. You are paying your sex worker for the risk they are assuming visiting you, a stranger, in a private space and performing an illegal activity that they could face life long consequences for, including imprisonment. You are paying your sex worker to compensate them for the risk of bodily harm. You are paying because there is always a chance your sex worker might need to pay medical bills related to injuries, infections, and illnesses they might expose themselves to by seeing you. Penetration is an almost anticlimactic part of my outcall experience, comparative to the other risks I assume. So be ready to pay, regardless of how things go, because whether or not you engage in sexual contact, whether or not you nut, your sex worker has performed a lot of emotional labor simply by showing up.

Have protection handy, specifically latex free barriers and condoms. A lot of people have latex allergies, myself included, and hardly any customers consider this issue. Having latex free condoms stocked should be a standard practice at this point. Lube is also great to have on hand, whether you’re doing butt stuff, giving hand jobs, or fucking a vulva-- sex is better with lube. But don’t use it without checking in first. Always ask. There is nothing more terrifying than unidentified wet contact with my brogina. I have had customers spring lube or massage oil on me, and that was horrifying. I was immediately terrified I would need to go to a doctor for an STI test, and then once I realized it was just lube, I was annoyed I hadn’t been consulted. Lube is useful, because the reality is that you can’t realistically expect your sex work provider to be equally as aroused as you, the purchaser. We are human, and sometimes our work can be erotically gratifying, but it’s not worth betting on, and that’s okay. As a purchaser, it’s important to accept that you are coming from a different place than your provider. They are at work providing their labor, and you are enjoying a personal indulgence. You don’t ask your masseuse if they’re enjoying giving you a back rub. You don’t ask the person putting together your sandwich at the deli if they’re having fun making your sandwich. You accept that they are working for payment, and just want to make sure that you, the consumer, are satisfied at the end of the exchange. A sandwich can be delicious, even if your sandwich *artist* wasn’t having the best time of their life preparing it. Sex work can be fun and scratch many itches, even if it isn’t a totally mutual experience. I always tell my clients that they should be selfish, and enjoy the luxury of being selfish. I’m not a girlfriend they need to keep happy, who they can’t neglect. I am actually the opposite. You could take me for granted and focus completely on what you want, and I’m entirely happy to provide that experience. In fact, it’s less pressure for me to attend to your needs instead of having to bring in my own complicated relationship with my pleasure. I’m gratified when my client enjoys their time. Counterintuitively, I get anxious whenever a client centralizes their time around my pleasure. I can focus on myself when I’m not at work, and I do. I don’t like mixing work and play.

Lastly, be respectful. The above rules are essentially communicating this via a series of respectful actions, but when you’re speaking to a sex worker, remember to be kind. Don’t go on about what you imagine our jobs to be like. Don’t suggest that sex workers are stupid, trashy, ignorant, or any less human than other people. Don’t joke about our pain or the very real dangers we face. Just be chill. Treat us the way you would any other working professional.

I know I catered this essay to a certain kind of FSSW, and excluded the ways one might meet a street based sex worker or a dominatrix who specializes in sissification. Maybe this is more of a middle class sex worker’s guide to buying sex. The point is, it’s a start to navigating the complex and clandestine world of purchasing pleasure from a professional. So for all my stans looking for a FAQ answer to this Q, here it is.