Ravishing Ravaging Pandaddy

I feel like I need to download a little bit. Patreon has been incredible for me, as far as building additional revenue streams at a moment where my primary job has become totally unsafe to perform, but lately it has become stifling. Partially, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have invited so many clients to read my work. Knowing they might read it makes writing about them in a way that is genuine and unrestrained almost impossible. I could go for it and see what happens, but unfortunately, even I feel new flavors of ethical responsibility to everyone I’m seeing. I want to protect their identities and egos. I want to preserve the suspended disbelief we both invest into our encounters. To be candid, I also can’t afford to lose clients. This pandaddy won’t stop ravishing--I mean ravaging--us for another six to nine months, which means I will need to continue escorting until then to make ends meet. I would prefer not to add any additional people to my quarantine bubble, and part of my effort to secure my bub involves being very careful with the information I divulge about my clients. And yet, it’s a bit infuriating, and likely unsustainable. I have a few GKMisms taking up space in my head that need to be purged. So here is a dose of GKM.

***

I was lying beside GKM last week after confiding in him about my tia’s passing. I went into some detail about the tragedy of the experience, and how painful it was. He turned to me and said

GKM: That actually reminds me of something I’ve been dealing with. One of my doctors, Dr. Kwon is upset at me. I don’t know exactly what happened, but she had emailed me about some paperwork about her credentials and I totally forgot to get back to her. She called me a few times, but then I ended up swamped. And now she isn’t communicating with me. Dr. Kwon is the one who does the testing for Justin Beiber.

Me: I thought that was her.

GKM: So, I finally got back to her and emailed her. I texted her, and gave her a few calls, but she isn’t responding. It seems really… passive aggressive. Lately, I’ve been realizing that not everybody around me wants the best for me. I had noticed this behavior with her before, but I didn’t think anything of it. And everybody loves Susie. I thought she was great too, until she started pulling this. I mean, don’t you think it’s crazy that she’s ghosting me? Her boss!

I stared at him blankly, unsure what he was getting at.

GKM: I don’t remember where I was going with this. Hmm. It’ll come to me. Well! Maybe I just wanted to ask for your advice, since you’re good at knowing what to do with these kinds of things.

I blinked. I don’t know what I’d expected to come out of our conversation. Perhaps a bit of sympathy? A bit of space for my feelings to take priority? At least some sensitivity. Instead we began game planning how to reestablish communication with Dr. Kwon.

GKM has been experiencing increased instability in his work relationships as his empire has grown exponentially. His workers have been increasingly prone to complaints and outright insurrection. Instead of the cheerful, happy-go-lucky work environment they once enjoyed, people have been voicing complaints and dolling out passive aggressive emails. Internally I think Marxist thoughts about the inherent friction between the workers and the capitalist class. His workers are watching him write invoices for hundreds of thousands of dollars every week, and they aren’t getting substantial pay increases. GKM chalks it up to laziness. They want more even as they do the same amount, and they do less whenever they don’t receive any additional pay incentives. The people working the hardest are, of course, shareholders: the people who are actually benefiting from the increase in business directly, not just in little perks like trips across the country and the occasional luxury Peloton. But capitalists never think like Marxists. It would fracture their fragile sense of identity and force them to face their ethical obligation to their workers.

Somewhat tangentially related to this business is the question of vaccinations. I wondered if GKM might have already gotten vaccinated, since he is kinda in the medical profession, at least tangentially. He employs doctors and nurses in his covid testing business, so it would seem that he should qualify for a vaccination. I asked him about it earlier that evening.

GKM: I haven’t really thought about it. I guess I could, but I’m not sure if it would align with our company values, since we’re more about holistic wellness and nutrition.

As an aside, GKM’s mom (approx 70-yrs-old) recently recovered from covid. I don’t know why I expected him to have a moment of internal reflection in the wake of this development. But he clearly didn’t. I felt like I was a computer running Windows 95 stuck in the screech of dialup. What the fuck was this man saying??? There are so many times where I die inside knowing this is one of the people mushing their lil wormy up into my guts. It’s his anti vax theories coupled with his Republican voting record that makes me want to fully extricate myself from his orbit. And yet, I truly need the steady income he provides for me. Instead of succumbing to the throbbing vein in my forehead hating this conversation so deeply, I drank my way into a peaceful stupor.

Again, GKM isn’t all bad. Well, as a capitalist he perpetuates a lot of evil, which is arguably the mark of a bad person. But he is kind, generous, patient and loving to those he cares about. Yet there is a major disconnect when it comes to his broader impact on the world. He is a man who can see elaborate economic systems, but not systems of oppression. It has to be at least somewhat willful, or maybe it’s just something he will never directly understand because he will likely never face any oppression. And maybe he wouldn’t be my client if he had that self-awareness. Who the fuck knows.

***

Another bit of download that I need to do is to mention that two mothers of my childhood friends have told me that they are proud of me and the work I do. These are women who have known me since I was five. I generally don’t expect older women to support the work I do. The Nokia flip phone of feminism many people in their 50s internalized didn’t include much in the way of sex work or even trans identity inclusion. My mom will probably never understand or come around to my life as a stripper, let alone a full service sex worker, and I don’t blame her entirely. Her issues come from her own traumas as a survivor of multiple instances of sexual assault. It’s not just sex work that triggers her, it’s all sex. Sex for pleasure, sex between married people on television, racey conversation--it’s all too much for her. I have never been able to have a conversation about sex with my mom that was not either about sexual trauma or about how sex is only good if it’s within marriage for the purpose of “procreation”. I’ve always known that my mom is different from most moms, but I also never thought that the moms I met, who at times raised me, might be accepting of the adult I’ve become. It is really difficult to wrap my head around, as much as I love myself and take pride in what I do. I just have never thought of myself as parent friendly. Even with my various partners, their moms have all kinda looked at me as the person who would one day break their child’s heart. And yes, to some degree. But also, that’s the nature of romance. But anyway, I’m getting off topic. It is really touching to be supported by parental figures.

***

Finally, I feel like I need to acknowledge the toll this pandemic has taken on me. I usually don’t like to dwell on my personal struggles when they’re minimal compared to the almost inconceivable levels of trauma and pain most people are experiencing right now. I’ve been “pandemic fine,” by which I mean that I am employed and healthy enough, but I feel like shit most of the time and my mental health is all over the place. I’ve also recently stumbled into sex worker burnout. I know that I need a break, but it’s hard to take breaks when job security feels constantly precarious. Plus I have my eye on a monetary goal for the end of 2021, and that keeps me going. I want to build a home in the next few years. I want to buy property, and start building out a family compound somewhere. I’m tired of the bullshit of renting, paying money to a landlord rather than having a place that I’m paying off. Not that I think owning a home should be the lofty goal that it is. Universal housing is a hill I’m willing to die on (not that I would like to die on any metaphorical hills). But anyway, it has not been an easy time. And to make matters worse, I’ve had a few of my more enjoyable clients announce they’re taking breaks due to the increased covid risk. The pool is smaller, and I feel stagnant primarily going between GKM and LSM.

Sometimes being a long term sugar baby/GFE provider feels the way it feels when you’re stuck in a relationship with someone who disgusts you. Maybe you’re in it because y’all share the same friend group and you don’t want to ruin the friendships. Maybe you have eight more months on a lease and you don’t want to break up while you still share a bedroom. Maybe you’re financially dependent on them, and couldn’t afford to support yourself solo right now. I’m stuck in relationships that I would have ended if I had other options. I miss the freedom I had working at the club. I never had to see people I didn’t want to. I could break up with regulars as needed. Not that I would break up with GKM or LSM. They’re good customers, and if I was only seeing them once in a blue moon like before, we would be great. But being dependent on them and handling their increased dependence on me is not conducive to healthy happy working relationships.

I feel physically and emotionally sapped right now. Workaholic that I am, I keep going for weeks without taking a single day off. I always manage to schedule a meeting, outcall, editing project, or some other little piece of work every single day. Even today, which is Sunday, and by all accounts should be a day of rest. No rest for the wicked, I suppose.