This photo shoot

Was my first experience being edited in a photo. So I flew to LA for this photo shoot. It was for Tattoo Magazine, they hired an incredible photographer. We had a decent session, I don’t think I was ready for this shoot mentally or emotionally but, physically I was there and the shoot turned out nice. When I saw the photographs afterward I realized that they had edited the fuck out of my image. It was the first time it had ever happened. Which told me a few things. They told me I’m growing older, my looks are no longer acceptable to society as they are, I will be ridiculed for my image in this magazine if it’s not edited. And that my value as-is is nothing without somebody else beautifying it.

I can’t remember what date this photograph is from but my best guess is that it is from right around 2010, maybe 2011? We started filming the show in 2009, it aired in 2010, and I was asked to be in Tattoo Magazine a couple of years later. So I think I have the timeframe right. I was still completely dead set against editing photos of myself for beautification. I had grown up with a photographer as a dad and had worked in his studio through my entire life. I worked with Film however, not digital. I was the one in the family, along with my mother, who taught me, to minimally edit photos by hand. If somebody had a scar on their face, I could get rid of that, not digitally, but with a paintbrush. My mind worked exclusively in one way on this matter. This was mind blowing to me that my image could be so completely altered, to where it almost doesn’t look like me. I really did not know what to do with my feelings on this matter. I raged against it, I remember making a post about it, I remember being very frustrated and offended. At the end of the day none of it matters. I look back on the photo and it’s beautiful. I never did see any of the photos unedited so I’m not sure what they would’ve looked like without edit. It’s just interesting how our minds work and how sometimes they’re afraid of change. It’s interesting that magazines refused to represent people with their flaws, they would rather have a completely airbrushed image. It’s interesting how my perception of myself changed after that moment. I never felt like I had on enough make up, never felt skinny enough, never felt good enough in any photo after that. Now, I edit a lot of my photos, it’s just normal now I guess… but there’s definitely a piece of me that wishes I could take a photograph now and not have the desire to smooth out my wrinkles or cellulite.

In some way, it is sad that we feel we need to edit our natural beauty and highlight some imaginary sense of beauty. I think it speaks a lot to who we are as humans and what our priorities have become. I don’t really know that I have a stand on it, it’s just one of those weird things I wanted to talk about. I love this photo, I think it’s beautiful, I no longer vilify the photographer for editing the shit out of my image but I do wish that I knew what I look like unedited in this photo. As a matter fact, I recall this entire photo session being pretty incredible. I’ll have to go back and look at the pictures. I can’t even remember where I stored them now. But it’s funny how we change our minds and how life changes and we just kind of go with the flow of those changes eventually, but at first those changes can be so difficult. Anyhow, that is my rant for today. Do you ever edit photos of yourself? Add filters to look better? What are your thoughts on the matter? I’m curious to know.