How are you keeping your head above water?

I know that during these trying times it’s important that we do keep our heads above water. People have been asking me a lot lately how am I doing that?

Honestly, it depends on the day. Some days I don’t want to keep my head above water, sometimes I start to drown in my own sorrow and misery and trauma, sometimes I work hard to pull myself out of it. Honestly it depends on the day and what it brings. But the one thread of truth in all of it is that eventually, I work myself out of the scary place. If I did not, I would not be alive. So I know it’s possible, I know that the only way to do it is to exercise self love and hope and self acceptance.

Unfortunately all too often when I am upset it is because of feeling not good enough. The self love is hard to find. You know that feeling where you just don’t get it, can’t make it or fit in no matter how hard you try? So I suppose when I’m feeling that way, I stop trying to fit in, I stay to myself, (I will warn against extreme reclusive behavior, but there are times when the unrealistic expectations of society need to be ignored, there are days when it is healthy to get out of the modern American frame of mind which means rejecting society for a moment to reflect on its value and validity) I practice self-love which means I get enough sleep, I get in the shower and wash my body, I force myself to eat and go outside and feel the sunshine, rain, ocean, lake, nature, whatever nature is there is what I indulge myself in. I try to focus on the things about myself that I do love and that I am proud of and I try to work on those things when my mind is burdened with heavy thoughts.

Sometimes it takes hours sometimes it takes days sometimes it takes weeks… I don’t know when the clouds will part, I don’t know when I will feel good about myself again, but eventually I do because I won’t give up on myself.

Every single one of us deserves to have somebody who won’t give up on us, and sometimes, often times, that person just Has to be us.

Honestly, at the end of the day I guess that person does have to be myself because if I give up on myself my life is over. If you give up on yourself your life is over. I’ve heard it said 1 million times that healing is not linear, healing is painful and it’s messy and it does not follow a timeline, we heal when we heal.

I’ve heard this transition being likened to a snake losing its skin, shedding that uncomfortable, tight, itchy skin that keeps it bound, stuck. In order for a snake to grow, it Has to get too big for its own skin, that skin has to peel away and that process Has to be uncomfortable. There is no way to make the process comfortable, we have to accept the discomfort of the moment and understand that growth is essential and we need to mentally give into that growth for it to actually happen.

When a snake sheds it’s skin it becomes lethargic and irritable. it can become aggressive and strike out at the littlest movement it also can become blind at certain points because the skin sheds all over the body including the eyes. I try to remember during these times where I feel blind and uncomfortable and like my skin is too tight and like I am growing out of it, I try to remember to spend much of this time alone, reflecting, a safe distance from those I love so that I don’t recoil and lash out at them because of my own discomfort.

But then, there are days where I need that support and I have to exercise my own patience and understand the people who are around me are here for support and they love me and that it is important that I don’t scare them away by being aggressive or acting harsh. It truly is a balancing act.

In that balancing act it’s incredibly important that I vocalize my feelings. That I let people know how I’m feeling and that I trust the people who care for me and care about me, that I listen to them when they say I need help.

So as you can see it’s very important that I build a team of people around me that I can trust implicitly with every part of my life. We all deserve this. If you can’t find those people around you, ask yourself a couple of questions.

I usually ask myself am I being difficult or is it actually that the people around me are not trustworthy? It’s an important question that we weigh out in our minds.

Somebody is unhealthy if they are gaslighting you, talking down to you, yelling at you, calling you names, being unsupportive of your life choices given that they are healthy life choices, being abusive, being invasive, reading your mail, listening on your phone calls, checking your phone out of distrust, acting out of jealousy or insecurity. There are many factors that can tell us whether somebody is unhealthy for us, you know those factors because they sit in your stomach like a rock, you can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong, listen to your gut in those situations. If somebody is supporting you out of love and kindness, you can tell.

I am incredibly careful about the people I put in those positions in my life, there are many factors that tell me whether or not I can trust somebody, firstly I need to have known them for years! I need to see years of solid friendship and advocacy and a deep sense of kindness. I open up my world to people very slowly so they have to be patient. If somebody in your world is not patient with you, they are not there for you. They are there for alternative reasons. Guard yourself.

I am open about and open to discussion about my mental illness and how my life works so that people understand what they are getting themselves into, so that I don’t put too much pressure on somebody who cannot handle a friendship like the one that I have to give. Some people are very honest about not being able to handle intense friendships with people who struggle with mental illness, I always appreciate that honesty, it makes me know right away that I don’t need to waste either of our time on that friendship. No harm no foul. Go in peace.

But the feeling of having friends and loved ones around you that are patient, understanding, kind, advocate for you, see your value, protect your name and your mental health, hear you when you talk, see you when you can’t even see yourself... when you come across these people, treat them like gold. Be sure that you are giving in equal measure to what they are because these people right here, these are the people that will help keep you alive, keep you successful, keep you joyous and keep an eye on you in your downtimes when your heart is heavy.

Life is complicated and so are relationships. Remember that it is OK if somebody cannot handle the weight of who you are. Don’t begrudge them that. They can only handle what they can handle, they don’t have any more control over that than you do. If they need to go away, wish them well, send them away with love, love them from a distance and prioritize your mental health💗

How are you keeping your head above water these days?