undiagnosed

The first time we slept together
You didn’t reach out to me after
You didn’t text
You didn’t call
I didn’t understand 
I felt such a strong connection that night 
I saw you the next weekend at the bar 
You were carrying glasses to the back when I came in 
You looked so happy to see me
It confused me 
I had spent the week upset 
I felt so slighted 
Like you didn’t like me at all 
We went outside for a cigarette on your break 
I asked you why you didn’t say anything 
That you’re supposed to contact someone 
Especially after the first time 
That I took it as you didn’t like me 
And I’ll never forget that moment 
Standing in the doorway of the apartment entrance next door
Like we would every day 
For so many years after that 
I’ll never forget the look on your face 
“Oh,” you said embarrassed 
“I just knew I would see you here.” 
I saw in your eyes that you were serious 
You didn’t realize
You truly didn’t know 
You weren’t aware of this unspoken rule 
Society had laid out for us 
I should have known then 
But I spent almost 10 years not knowing 
Willingly making concessions for you
As you did for me 
Defending you to my friends
Our friends
Who didn’t endorse your behavior at times 
Your quirks
The way you didn’t do the “normal” things 
People are “supposed” to do in relationships
But I loved you 
More than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life 
I saw you 
I understood you 
And I didn’t have language for the way you were
It was hard to navigate 
The way that we loved was opposite in many ways 
Our limitations were often in conflict 
I pulled closer 
You pushed away
I needed answers
You preferred silence
I was a storm
You needed calm waters 
But the depth of our love carried us 
And if I would have listened 
To the well meaning voices 
The “you deserve better”s
The “if he wanted to he would”s
The regurgitated good intentions 
All the quiet misunderstandings of you 
I would have missed out 
On knowing such a beautiful mind 
And having the privilege 
Of loving someone 
As remarkable 
As brilliant 
As one of one 
As you