Things I Wish I'd Known About Kink From the Start

Getting a reference from a top’s friend or current play partner is like asking Donald Trump what he thinks of Donald Trump. Get references from people your potential play partner isn’t on good terms with. The way someone treats their ex is usually the way they’ll treat you one day.

When someone calls you a fake sub, ignore them. Kink is supposed to be fun. It’s not a religion or a professional undertaking. Do you. Be you. Love you.

Nobody speaks about consent as convincingly as a particular breed of predator. Never trust someone based on their words. A rapist’s favourite disguise is saying all the right things.

People who run events are just ordinary humans who have the resources to host. Their parties aren’t a sign that they’ve been vetted. If you choose to host events, though, it’s going to cost you more emotional resources than you think.

Your local scene will split in two one day. Be ready for it.

When someone ignores your small boundaries, listen to what they’re telling you about themselves. They will move on to “greater” things.

When you report a consent violation in public, you will be abused. It’s not your fault. It’s a universal experience. Rape culture seeps into everything, even when compassion is called for. Set up a therapist before you speak out.

Paying a stranger to teach you to be a sub is like paying for a meal somebody else is going to eat. You might learn rope bottoming skills, consent, and safety precautions from workshops and intensives, but “professional” sub mentors rarely teach those kinds of things. Their only interest is turning you into wank fodder and taking your money for the favour.

Consent violations can stack up in secret for many years. Just because someone’s been around the community for a decade, doesn’t mean they respect their bottoms.

Subs can violate consent as well as dominants can, and one of the best ways to prevent that is to know yourself and be true to your own needs.

Meeting someone you know from your vanilla life at a kink event is less distressing than you think. It’ll probably make your friendship closer.

Safe words are tools, not flaws that make you a fake sub.

You can learn your topping skills from YouTube, but nothing trumps in-person intensives.

BDSM doesn’t have to be dark or serious. Be who you want to be, even if that entails lightness and laughter.