Hard Digest July 21: Pam Bondi, Early Access Battle Vests, Mindfulness, Credit Cards, and More

Attorney General Pam Bondi Drops Ukulele Apology Video

By Nick Brandt

WASHINGTON — US Attorney General Pam Bondi responded to scathing public inquiry regarding the so-called Epstein client list by posting a video of her singing and playing the ukulele, confirmed sources.

“There is absolutely no evidence that sex trafficker Jeffery Epstein had any sort of client list, and I apologize for saying that I have 100%, without a doubt, no question about it, saw one with my own eyes a few months ago,” said Bondi while tuning her ukulele. “He was prolific, but the Department of Justice and the FBI have both concluded that no such evidence exists. We’re not even sure that Jeffrey himself existed. For all we know, Ghislaine Maxwell was a result of some sort of Mandela Effect or Democrat hoax. Anyway, I’ve prepared a little video to address these allegations of misleading the public. Something I call ‘The Toxic Gossip Train.’ Please like and subscribe.”

Viewers of Bondi’s apology video were left speechless.

“It was the longest ten minutes of my life,” said Peter Doocy, Fox News correspondent for the White House. “You know how it feels when your aunt shows you a video and just holds her own phone in front of you and watches your reaction? I actually questioned Pam Bondi in February of this year and she said that this exact Epstein client list was ‘sitting on her desk.’ She said this in her John Roberts interview on Fox. I have her direct quote in my notes, but when I brought it up during the inquiry Pam held up her phone and played the apology video a second time. I don’t know if this was a subversion tactic or some sort of brainwashing, but the ukulele, the beige room with the lights, it was uncanny.”

The video also found its way to President Donald Trump.

“You’re still talking about Jeffery Epstein? The financier?” said President Trump. “We have Texas, airplanes are falling—so many nasty things. The FBI is all out of those black highlighters, but you can’t get them here, no, only China makes them now, it’s unbelievable. As far as Bondi’s video, a terrific video I might add, I will be nominating her for a Golden Truthy, which is what some are calling the patriot’s Grammy, for her tremendous truth-telling. So much truth. Viewers are going to love how much truth she is truthing in this video.”

At press time, former president Bill Clinton and several other high-profile politicians who were accused of being on the Epstein list released a video where they all sing John Lennon’s “Imagine.”

Battle Vest Passes “Drunk Old Metalhead Guy Outside of Venue” Inspection

By Chris Bowen

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local show attendee Alicia Zewbrowski appeared to have narrowly passed a visual inspection of her battle vest conducted by an older, drunken metalhead while minding her own business outside of the venue, sources report.

“When I saw that old dude in the Dio shirt staggering towards me, I knew I was going to get an earful and be interrogated to name three songs,” Zewbrowski explained. “So I kept my cool, got my story straight about how I got my rare Overkill backpatch at a head shop that no longer exists, and made sure I had the tone of my ‘hell yeah!’ responses down perfectly. He grumbled something about how his ‘buddy’ got him into King Diamond before moving on to a kid with a ‘St. Anger’ patch on his vest. I really dodged a bullet on that one!”

The old dude in the Dio shirt, Jared Richardson, claims it’s his duty to keep battle vests in check.

“Whenever I go to a show, and I see some young kid sporting a vest with Maiden and Priest patches all over it, it’s my job to make sure the whole wardrobe is certified sick,” Richardson said. “Sure, most of the time I might have had 3 or 16 beers before inspection, but I can’t have posers who might have a Ghost patch next to an Exciter patch walking around all willy-nilly! But I must say, she provided some helpful tips on my stitching technique.”

Many metal scene veterans emphasize the importance of keeping old heads like Richardson around to keep younger metalheads in check.

“Guys like Richardson are doing the (dark) lord’s work out there making sure these kids and their battle vests live up to true metal standards,” self-proclaimed “King of the Underground” Percy Pluff said. “Back in the day, if you went to a show and your vest happened to fail an inspection from a metal elder, you were tarred, feathered and exiled into the glam metal scene. There, they ended up with parties, drugs and female attention, and that’s every true metalhead’s nightmare.”

At press time, Richardson was reported to have spent half a show talking to people about how awesome and not thin his long hair used to be.

Five Tips for Practicing Mindfulness as the Mushroom Cloud Grows in the Distance

By Ben Friedman

It’s no secret that modern life can be profoundly anxiety-inducing. From the rising cost of living to maintaining relationships, one can easily forget how to find their center and practice self-care. But those problems were from ten minutes ago, before the mushroom cloud from the first of many nuclear explosions began growing in the distance. Worry not, though, there’s still time to practice mindfulness and achieve inner peace to offset the fact that you’re going to be reduced to ashes in a few minutes.

Stay Fucking Calm
The first thing you should do, and quickly, is find a relaxing activity. Don’t stress too much about how generations of capitalists had pillaged the working class to fund their wars, or even how easily preventable nuclear Armageddon should’ve been. Find a quiet spot in your house (preferably the basement) and knock out a puzzle. Yoga will also help calm your mind and distract from the air raid sirens.

I Scream, You Scream
If there was ever a time for a sweet treat, it’s now. Pop on down to the store and make the most of your last moments on this mortal plane with a delectable ice cream sandwich or a slice of Devil’s food cake. And due to the fact that the rule of law no longer applies, you can loot and grab however many you like! Side note, you should eat it quickly because it’s going to melt fast.

Talk it Out
Remember that podcast you’ve always wanted to start and never got around to doing? Well, there’s no time like the present, and never mind the fact you have nothing interesting to say. If you survive the initial blast, you won’t want to spend the rest of your days trudging through the wasteland wishing you shared your opinions on pop culture. You could probably score a sponsorship from Mint Mobile too, bombs be damned.

To Whom It May Concern
You will undoubtedly have a lot of negative thoughts as you stare down oblivion. Take some time to release those emotions by journaling, which will not only help you release your stress but educate the bands of raiders about a pivotal moment in human history as they pick through the remains of your home. Will you condemn the warmongering, narcissistic leaders of the warring nations over their nuclear duck measuring contest, or reflect upon your dog’s birthday, which happens to be code for your ammo-filled lockbox?

Cum Armageddon
If all else fails, jerk off. Perhaps a bit of post-nut clarity will help you realize our mutual self-destruction was inevitable. Plus, it’ll be a hilarious way to die. Ever see that fossilized masturbating guy from Pompeii? What a fucking legend. You’ll give the future master race of mutant-human hybrids something to laugh about when you find yourself fossilized, hand in crotch. And if anyone needs a moment of catharsis, it’ll be them.

Punk Guitarist Gets Pre-Denial Offer From Credit Card Company

By Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Baxter Lenin, guitarist for Ketamine Chainsaw, recently received a “pre-denial offer” in the mail from Capital One, confirmed sources.

“My first thought after getting that offer letter in the mail was, ‘How the fuck do I even have mail?’ I live in a van with our drummer and a squirrel,” Lenin said during a break from chalking “This Machine Kills Fascists” on the side of a Planned Parenthood. “I’m not even quite sure how my credit can be that bad if I don’t have a Social Security number or a legal name in 11 states. I mean, fuck credit scores. I don’t even have a savings account, unless you count the loose change I store in the center console’s cup holder.”

A representative from Capital One provided some much needed insight on the pre-denial offer.

“Let’s just say someone like Mr. Lenin demonstrated a lifestyle so un-monetizable that it alerted our credit monitoring department,” said Dee Webster, media relations manager. “For example, taking an absolute—pardon me—dogshit bass guitar from the free box at a garage sale in northeast Minneapolis, and stringing it with four regular E strings obtained via swindle so as to—and I quote—‘fuck up the tone some more’ and ‘tune this bitch in one-sixth of the time.’ This is someone who co-signed for a car loan using the Social Security number from that LifeLock commercial. This person doesn’t have a passport but is permanently banned from Canadian Tire. Canadian Tire! If someone like that willingly or accidentally opened a line of credit with us, it could crash the entire financial system. We took proactive measures.”

Professor Fin Gabriel, chair of the Predatory Economics Department at the University of Minnesota, wasn’t surprised about Capital One’s unusual credit practice.

“Mr. Lenin’s case demonstrates evolving credit models that meet consumers where they’re at, which in this case is a van,” Gabriel said. “Traditional credit cards turned into Buy Now, Pay Later—BNPL—which became Buy Now, Pay Way Later, or BNPWL. Mr. Lenin falls into the newest model, BNFU—Buy Never, Fuck You—which offers pre-denials with special introductory interest rates. By this time, he should be receiving a post-denial offer just to confirm he doesn’t deserve a life of personal credit card debt.”

As of press time, Lenin reportedly used the offer letter to light a cigarette clenched in his butt cheeks at a Ketamine Chainsaw show, and now owes Capital One $179 plus 0% interest for the first six months.

FBI Denies Existence of War in Ba Sing Se

BY Jacob Albrecht

WASHINGTON — Following a rigorous and exhaustive inquest, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has officially concluded that there is no war in Ba Sing Se, officials at the FBI confirmed Thursday.

“As part of our ongoing commitment to transparency, the Federal Bureau of Investigation has conducted an exhaustive review of investigative holdings related to the alleged war in the four nations,” said FBI Director Kash Patel. “It was a long and arduous process, but we are very thankful to have had the cooperation of a local intelligence agency known as the Dai Li. After reviewing all of the facts and evidence available to us at this time, we are happy to report that the truth has been uncovered and there is, in fact, no war in Ba Sing Se.”

Earth Nation citizens, however, were quick to share their doubts regarding the FBI’s official verdict. We spoke with Kenji, a local zookeeper and activist in Ba Sing Se.

“Personally, I don’t buy any of it,” said Kenji, 51. “The FBI really expects us to believe that this hundred-year war just doesn’t exist? After everything we’ve seen and heard? There are Earth Kingdom citizens currently in prison for crimes they committed in relation to the ongoing war. How can they justify keeping these people locked up if the–”

Unfortunately, Kenji was unable to finish his statement, as he abruptly remembered he was late to an appointment in Lake Laogai, out in the country.

Earth King Kuei was eager to speak with Hard Drive to publicly thank the FBI for their thorough work, and to address the citizens of the Earth Kingdom directly.

“I want to express my immense gratitude to the FBI as well as the Dai Li for finally uncovering the truth and putting an end to all this pointless fear-mongering and misinformation. And to any citizens who still may be having doubts or fears regarding all of this, I would like to cordially invite you to a stress-free retreat at our luxury spa facility in Lake Laogai, where all your fears will be put to rest.”

At press time, Long Feng would like to speak with you, the reader, immediately.