realistic_lighting_overhaul

Second stream done! 3 hours! I feel proud of myself.

Hi everyone!

I have started streaming at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTW0W0FSNTxQzeiiArNc74g

I would be a great help if you guys could like the videos and maybe subscribe.

Its a return to streaming after 5 years and it's been fun to meet new people and be silly. It really helps.

I think I need a new mic, but that might take some time.

Thanks for all the support!

Ironing out sound issues for stream + massive migraine.

So the test stream was helpful in figuring out what was broken. 

I have fixed my quiet audio which was mostly panning to the right ear for viewers. Raffy (my son) helped fix other issues. My brother Joe has helped me with an AI program he has to auto generate thumbnails cause I am horrible at that. 

We still have no idea why my custom channel music (made by popular youtuber and friend dragens)  wont play. 

Hopefully in the coming days Raffy has some time to help me figure that out.

I was going to stream regardless of the music issue but I had a massive migraine. It's mostly gone but I am still sensitive to light and loud sounds. I get migraines maybe once a month at most, but this is my 2nd migraine in the last 4 weeks. It's probably stress related.

It could also be due to starting new diabetes injections, apparently that can cause headaches and stomach issues as well.

Fingers crossed, next few days I will stream again.

Test stream done!

It was awful but it was just to test settings!

It's a start!

Stream setup at 99% - Might start tomorrow...

So my son and I have setup my stream, its mostly done. At about 99%.

I could do a trial run tonight, seeing how I feel but I'm very light headed.

Tomorrow it's almost a certainty.

As stated before, I will try to stream 2-4 hours a night, try to have some fun and if all goes well I could earn enough to pay for my dinner the next day. 

I'm also in the process of writing reviews or guides on early access games I play. The other slight problem (a big one actually) is how I am going to pay for the games I need to stream. 

As of today, I do have $100 in my STEAM credits, which were gifts for Fathers Day and my birthday. So I will be using that to buy any coming games. I do own Minecraft, Football Manager 2024 and Lethal Company. I have also subscribed to Xbox PC gamepass. It's about $11 a month but a good way to have access to more games.

Fingers crossed things go well. 

Thanks for all the support. 

Oh this is a link to my channel;

https://www.youtube.com/@Masked_Official

Positive update...

So in the last two days I have been back at it trying to shake off my social anxiety by playing Lethal Company and making some friends.

It's been quite a few years since I played multiplayer games and having a laugh with random people. It actually brings joy to me once I shake off those fears.

Met a couple of cool guys and in the coming days I will return back to streaming live.

Thankfully no fainting the last two days, felt okay. I did put my back out again, but its already feeling better. It's not going to stop me from getting back to what I love to do. That is to entertain people and work on projects that give people joy. 

My dream job would be that of an entertainer. We have that in our family. I have cousins who play in bands and my grandfather apparently was an opera singer. I can't sing at all though! lol

There is something about meeting random people, laughing and causing chaos in games that brings me a lot of joy. I think it was because growing up I didn't have much of that - I always felt like a loner. 

I love the idea of a team of friends going game to game and just causing chaos for ourselves and others, laughing along the way.

Anyway I am just rambling but soon I will create a discord for the channel and I have a name for the people who join along... "The Chaos Army."

I think I will partly stream multiplayer games, but maybe record videos 2-3 times a week for slower games, like Football Manager. If I can make about $25 a day with donations, I will just use all of that to feed myself. Fingers crossed.

Thanks again for all those who have supported me through this difficult time.

Streaming for food...

Yes you read that right.

My son is helping me setup my channel again this week which means after 5 long years I will return to streaming games.

I will literally be streaming as a way to pass time, cope with stress, meet new people but honestly, hoping for about $20-25 a day (eventually) to purely pay for my food. 

My main concern is the fainting/dizzy spells and how sometimes I run on very low energy.

I have also decided to make a website for game reviews. I enjoy writing even if I'm not the best at it. I think reviewing games I stream could be cathartic and bring in some revenue in the long run.

I already have Lethal Company, Football Manager 2024, Starfield, FIFA and a couple of other new releases because my son and girlfriend were kind enough to gift me those games for fathers day and my birthday in October.

In the mean time my disability/medical certificate should process in the coming months. I think the estimated date is late February. I hope it's sooner cause I might run out of money by then.

I am also working with Octec to find a job from home a few days a week (customer service or data entry).

I will be working very hard for possibly very little monetary gain, but a man has to start somewhere. Hopefully Patreon, Nexus DP points and donations from streaming and possible ad revenue from my new website will keep me in my home. My long term goal is to eventually make $500 a week from these avenues and get my life on track. 

Even though I do have social phobia/anxieties, being an entertainer and doing things for people is what I love the most. 

I will NEVER EVER give up. Thank you for all your support.

14 weeks...

Hi everyone,

So I have added up all the funds people have donated and calculated that on a very tight budget, I can survive in my current home for 14 weeks.

I am also in the process of trying to get a job purely from home, but that might take a few to pan out.

I have also found a part-time gig writing some guides but its only $100 a month (10 guides a month). I am yet to start because its all about watch collecting and I have no idea about watches(lol). So I have to research a lot in the coming days. I also have had a few fainting episodes which have slowed me down a bit.

I am still in the process of applying for disability (3rd time is a charm) and I do have a medical certificate regardless. 

Once again, I want to thank everyone - especially my girlfriend - for all the support through this.

Essentials purchased for the next month.

Thank you so much, your donations and patrons have helped me secure all my essentials (toilet paper, soaps, wipes, etc) for the next 4 weeks.

If Patrons remain at the current rate, and with the donations received, I should be safe for the next 3 months on a very tight budget.

I can't thank you all enough for this.

Next step is to either go back to modding or streaming purely to attempt to feed myself the next day. I also have another appointment with employment services to see if I can do a job from home, despite having a medical certificate.

As always, I will keep everyone posted. Oh and proof below of where the funds are going!

Much love to everyone,

Antonio.

Medical Certificate Granted + Massive BPD episodes.

I was granted a medical certificate for the next 3 months due to my ongoing health issues.

I also feel very sorry for the people in my life dealing with this.

Mainly my son Raffy, my brother Joe and my girlfriend Olivia.

I suffer from BPD and this ongoing fear of losing my home, losing everything I have, is making me push back against people I love. I feel like I am on the brink of being abandoned by everyone, especially my girlfriend. I want to add, clearly they aren't going to abandon me. They are doing everything they can to help me. I just feel unworthy and feel easily replaceable. 

I am really sorry.

Here is proof of my medical certificate.

A return to streaming despite health issues.

I have come to the decision to get back to streaming soon. I am a bit worried about fainting on stream or having low energy but I feel like I should stream at least 4 to 8 hours a day as though it was a job.

My goal is to earn just $25 per day streaming full time. If I can make $125-150 a week with donations while streaming, it would help me buy food and essentials.

My son Raffy is going to help set it all back up again for me. 

I haven't streamed since the fainting began, but this is the channel.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTW0W0FSNTxQzeiiArNc74g

I have about 400 subscribers. It would be a return after a 5 year hiatus. 

I won't lie, streaming was very emotionally beneficial for me. It really helped me feel like I had self worth entertaining people and meeting people. Though at times there were also vultures in that scene. 

I enjoy streaming, but I enjoy it better when I would stream with my son Raffman (Raffy). I could also stream with my girlfriend, but she is also busy with studying and work. 

As a last resort, trying to stream for a warm meal doesn't seem like a bad idea right?

What are your opinions? I am interested in hearing other peoples opinions. 

Thanks again to all the patrons who have joined!

I want to thank all the new patrons and those who upped their pledges.

Please give me a week or two to update the RLO mod with all your names. I just have a lot on my plate and once things settle, I might do something nice and permanent on my mod to always mark the names of those who helped me get through this horrible time.

The help you have all given me shouldn't be something tied to a patron level, you should all be respected permanently on my mod instead. I will more than likely permanently add everyone to the credits of the mod once I am out of my mess.

What the actual f***

I volunteered to have an appointment with Octec to see if I can look for work that suits my disability.

I have no work obligations to do until the 9th of November, but I decided to ask them for help.

NO ONE CALLED ME and despite them knowing I can't travel, they just upped and blocked my payments at 4:30pm right at closing time.

Leaving me with the weekend to panic about things. This is the 2nd Friday in a row that the government just drops this stuff on a man who is CLEARLY struggling with his mental health.

DO these guys just want me to kill myself?

Imagine cutting my payments off because I didn't go to an appointment I SET UP AND VOLUNTEERED TO. There is no legal obligation on my behalf for this. I am on a pensioner payment until the 9th.

This idiot knows my circumstances, I have an agreement with his boss as well. They didn't even tell me the appointment was today. They didn't call me!!!!! I spoke to them on Wednesday and asked for help.

What the **** is wrong with these people.

Update : removed the contact numbers, I totally forgot in my frustration. My apologies for the accidental doxxing.

Housing application made.

Hopefully I can be accepted so I can avoid being homeless.

This might be a lengthy process, so I hope the support I have received can sustain me until then.

I AM SO STRESSED. 

It didn't go well with my social worker.

Just read the email.

What a load of bullshit.

I already did the process she is asking me to do in 2020. Now they want me to do it all again. She has all my medical records. I spoke to my doctor and they told me they sent her all the info back in January 2023. She said she tried to call me (I got no call). She said she tried to make appointments to see me, but this was ONLY TWICE in ONE YEAR. One time I was in hospital so I couldn't see her and the other time I had just fainted, I was exhausted and she just came to my home unexpectedly. I didn't feel well. Clearly I am ill. She has been to my house, she sees my difficulties.

What the fuck is wrong with these social workers. They all palm me around to service to service. None of them communicate. 

I have no idea why these people just use excuses. It's all about funding. They would rather see me go work with my disabilities than to use funding to help me. The funding goes to women like my ex, who con people. 

Now she wants me to go on a 6 month process, something I ALREADY DID in 2020. I don't have 6 months, I am going homeless.

Fuck this world man, everyone wants me to rot.

I am so damn fed up.

Calls with social workers and also housing today.

Wish me luck.

So far the first two meetings with these people haven't really gone anywhere.

They seemed promising but so far a whole week has gone by and nothing concrete has happened. They have applied for my disability, but this should have been done by One Door Mental Health 11 months ago.

I have no idea why in a year they didn't do it and Centrelink did it for me on the 27th of October. 

The worst part of this is all these departments don't communicate. If they communicated and the services were linked, they would speed up the process for people at risk.

Instead, since 2016, I am still struggling to find stability. The discrimination disabled people in Australia face is actually troubling. Actually I won't even say people. I will say DISABLED MEN. 

My kids mother was fast tracked disability and she was given government housing. It's absurd when she was the one who destroyed peoples lives with her crime and drug use. Men are treated far more harshly and more is expected of us, including devaluing the seriousness of our mental health. Men are also not believed when we try to explain that we were the victims, even in my case where I provided PROOF with police reports, bank accounts and more.

Who in their right mind would remove children from a loving father with disabilities, and give them to a woman who has a track record of abandoning her children, having others raise her children, who is an alcoholic, meth user, a criminal and also violent. A woman who also lived with a man who has been in prison for drug dealing and assault.

INSANITY. 

I am just glad he was arrested. That way my kids have one less criminal to live with. 

Proof that rent was paid.

Yes my bank account looks bad right now. I haven't withdrawn the patreon money or the gofundme yet. There is $610 in gofundme and $400 in patreon.

I have $500 in Paypal.

This means I have $1382 after I have paid off the $600+ overdrawn in my account.

Rent is $400 a week. My bills are $165 a week. I spend about $100 a week on food.

This means I am safe for the next 4 weeks. I seems like only 2 weeks but I do get paid $467 a week.

A month is way better than what it was before. Doomsday on the 9th of November.

Now I have till mid December! Maybe I can spend Christmas here with my kids if their mother lets me see them. 

Thank you all!

OMG so many new patrons! Rent was paid!

God there are so many new patrons that I am getting confused to who I have thanked.

I want to thank you all as a collective to make things easier on my brain.

I feel a bit overwhelmed. Thank you so much.

I have paid my rent on time!

This means I am safe for the next two weeks.

Thank you so much

Welcome to the new members! Thank you.

Welcome Tom Free, Spook Tacular, deedlez349 and Blackread!

Thanks so much for joining and helping out.

I also want to add that it might take me a bit longer than usual to update all the names on the mod for those who have that tier.

Theres been a lot of changes with tiers and I haven't had much energy in me to go to the mod site and update everything. I will do it again in the coming week or two. 

Karma round 1 has struck.

My ex wifes boyfriend (who lives with my children) has been arrested.

Family services took my children away because of my disability and put them in a home with convicted criminals.

Karma has now struck. Proof that they made a mistake, and what happened to me is discrimination. 

I will fight for what is right. I have nothing left to lose, and I have the truth on my side.

Thank you all for my support and please send your love to my girlfriend Olivia. She is a kind soul and polar opposite of my ex wife. She went straight into battle for me, to help me out. Also thanks to her father for paying a weeks rent for me.

A quick thank you

Thanks to the people who have upped their pledges and donated to the gofundme.

We have raised about $340 this week, and that is almost an extra weeks rent for me. 

Two people donated $15 each and that paid for my food so far. 

Thank you so much. I am in tears seeing the gofundme getting donations.

I am already struggling with my health. I am struggling that my ex is keeping my kids from me. I am struggling with my mental health and the fear.

I didn't deserve this.

In a couple of hours I have a meeting with social services. I will try and claim joint custody of my kids. I will also sue my ex for the $40,000 child support she owes me. I will also contact police sometime this week about the 2017 sexual assault she did to me.

I never really wanted to tell the police about all her fraud, abuse, violence and sexual assault to protect my kids. I didn't want my children to think their mother was a piece of shit. I didn't want her to be taken away and they wouldn't know their mother.

This was clearly a mistake because she doesn't care at all. She just wants to ruin me and is obsessed with that. This wasn't about money. We offered her money each week to leave me alone, instead she opted to make me homeless. That is her goal, this sick demented bullshit of "winning".

She is still upset I kicked her out of my home after all the domestic abuse I had to endure between 2009 and 2016. I did it to protect my family. Everyone told me I was stupid and now I understand why. 

This is what happens when you are a good person at your core. I am desperately trying not to be angry and resentful at how things are panning out.

Thank you for giving me hope. I know I am not alone.

I also want to thank my beautiful girlfriend. She is a fucking angel. She is the literal opposite of my ex wife. I kid you not, a literal angel. I don't deserve her, but I am happy I met her a few years back. Without her I would have no one to talk to, no friend, no company, I would be nothing. I would be physically alive but a corpse inside my heart.

I hold on because I love my kids, I love my parents and I love my girlfriend. I need to tell myself to never lose hope and Hope is my girlfriends middle name. I knew it was destined when I almost lost hope the day we met. 

GoFundMe

My girlfriend has setup a GoFundMe page for me.

Please share it around, even if you can't donate to the cause.

https://gofund.me/6694711b

If anyone wants proof of these issues, please feel free to ask and I will show whatever screenshots to help. 

I will show proof of my rent below. Sydney is a pretty expensive place.

My life is over...homelessness looming.

This is just me getting things off my chest.

I am not in the best mindset and sorry if this is a rant. 

The 9th of November will result in a change of my life.

I have been fighting financial problems for many years now, being a single parent and having 7 different illnesses. I battled so hard but the world is a cruel place and cruel people do cruel things.

My kids had been staying at their mothers for the last few months as I got my health sorted. I have been going through many tests and I couldn't keep up with my kids because of it.

I had an agreement with their mother that it was temporary. 

Instead this evil bitch applied for full custody and despite her having a criminal record, despite me logging countless family services calls for her hitting me or my kids, they have basically awarded her custody because I am too sick.

This means my pay went from $668 a week down to $467 a week.

My rent is $400 a week. I have electricity bill that is $50 a week.  I have gas bill that is $35 a week. I have an appliance I just purchased that's $50 a week repayment. My phone/internet bill is $30 a week.

My bills alone are $565.

Due to my fainting issues, I haven't been able to cook for myself as I have fallen down with hot pans and knives. I also struggle to shower because I am afraid to faint and crack my head open. I have spoken to countless services and social workers to have things done to help me but nothing has been done.

My caring girlfriend can probably reply here and attest to it. 

Now my ex wife has done the most evil thing. She owes me $40,000 child support, but they can't do anything about it because shes a pensioner (she has schizophrenia due to meth use). Now because she wants the money from raising my kids she is basically sending me homeless for $100 more a fortnight. THIS IS PURE EVIL.

She also claimed the entire year that she has been raising them, which is a lie - but they approved it anyway. This means I owe the government $6000. I am financially ruined, I can't physically even move out and pack my things. I can't even get any finances cause im bankrupt cause my ex left me with 20k debts back in 2016. 

She also did this on my birthday, can you imagine that? She did this to RUIN me because shes mentally ill and because she has drug and alcohol issues. Shes also addicted to gambling. She is getting $100 extra 

I have documents to prove this, so it's not just me asking for money. My girlfriend has already asked to help and I don't want to be a burden anymore.

I think I can afford my rent but I have to somehow cover $400 more a week to cover for food, toiletries and essentials. I think this is the end for me, I can't afford food if I pay rent. 

If anyone knows a job I could do from home online or anyone wants to help with food, I would appreciate it. I don't want money, but I would take an opportunity to work, help someone or earn enough to feed myself.

I lost my kids, I lost my cat and now I am about to lose my home.

I only have $500 in savings and rent is due next Thursday ($800) I pay fortnightly.

I sit here wondering what is the point of going on. I am so sick, I have been sick for years. I have lost everyone I love. Now I am gonna lose my home. My girlfriend who I love so much is currently in Canada. I would do anything to move there and live there but I can't. I can't afford it and I am probably too sick anyway. I have to wait 18 months for her to return but I now think I wont even be able to communicate with her or anyone as I might have to cut my internet off just to survive.

What can I do?

Do any of you have any idea what jobs I could do from home? Help me out maybe setting up something to cover these $400 a week? I don't want handouts but I am struggling to find hope.

I am really sorry for my rant.

Getting old...birthday on Friday.

Well I am getting old...

Hasn't been the best of years but I am grateful for what I have.

I plan to have lunch with my children on Friday and then head off to see my parents. I haven't seen them in a few years. Both my parents were in hospital recently for covid. They have since recovered.

I don't live far but I just don't travel much because of the fainting. My mum also has dementia and parkinsons, and to be honest I just feel sad seeing her decline. I kind of wanted to remember her how she was. I realized pushing people away because of fear is not the best way.

She still remembers me most of the time when I call, but my siblings aren't so lucky.

I just want to be with my family on my birthday and try and get back those days pre-covid where visiting family was a normal and common thing.

Cardiologist results are in...

So the results are in and its given me some mixed feelings.

Trying to remain positive but theres more tests to come.

Structurally wise, my angiogram showed no heart disease. All my arteries were squeaky clean, despite my past history of smoking for 10 years and indulging in unhealthy food.

However my heart bug revealed some arrhythmias.

The doctor noticed that prior to my fainting, on a few occasions I suffered Nonsustained ventricular tachycardia (NSVT)

My heart would skip beats 1-4 times in a row, followed by a drop in blood pressure.

I have now been referred to a hospital to speak to a cardiologist that specializes in the hearts electrical system. I may need to have an implanted medical device in my chest to monitor my heart for up to three years. The doctor said it will remain there for three years but hopefully within a few weeks to a month the doctor can get a much clearer understanding of what part of my heart is having issues. He said its "unconfirmed" at the moment but it seems the lower part of the heart, thus NSVT. There is a risk of sudden cardiac death associated with this, so it's a bit scary.

On one side I am glad that I won't be getting a heart attack any time soon, but knowing the electrical system of my heart is faltering, is a worry. My mum went through the same thing, she had a pacemaker put in after also getting fainting spells. Sadly my mum is in hospital at the moment, she is 80 years old and has Parkinsons. She also has dementia so this is also taking its toll on me. Just a lot of stress on my plate, but I try to remain positive. I remember when my mum would pass out and injure herself. When they finally gave her a pacemaker the fainting never happened again.

I really just want my life back. Depression and anxiety aside, fainting constantly has made me fear leaving my home, and it's not nice to be confined to one spot sitting all day.

I will keep everyone posted.

Thanks again,

Antonio

Heart results with cardiologist this Monday

So this Monday I am off to the cardiologist after a month or so worth of intense tests and monitoring.

I really hope they can figure out this fainting issue. 

During this time I kept a log of every incident that happened, my diet and other personal things (like going to the bathroom lol). 

I have noticed a pattern with my fainting, so I sent it all off to my cardiologist. 

The fainting/dizziness issue and back pains have really lowered my quality of life. I also miss being able to drive myself around or being able to stand more than a minute. I am so afraid of even showering. One time I was showering and nearly fainted and I don't want to crack my head open. 

I have a social worker who said she would look into getting me a detachable shower-head and a chair to sit on but after 11 months, they still haven't granted the funds to pay for it which is really frustrating. I swear sometimes it seems they don't care. I just want to be able to safely shower and be mobile again.

My kids are still staying with their mother until these tests are over and the fainting improves. I can't even cook for myself at the moment because standing for more than a few minutes results in a drop in blood pressure.

My average blood pressure has been about 112/70 (a bit low for my age and weight) and one time it was as low as 87/54. When my blood pressure was that low, I literally felt like I was on a boat, swaying across the water. I was even struggling to speak and concentrate. I had to go to hospital for that and they gave me a drip over 4 hours and some glucose. They were so shocked to see my blood pressure, they said it was that of an 8 year old!

It's been a tough couple of months. I haven't been well, I miss my kids and my girlfriend has also not been well. At times I feel extremely lonely. 

I also want to thank everyone for their support and for those of you who have become friends from Patreon. You each have your own stories, problems and difficulties in life, but please remember if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.

We don't have to suffer alone.

Hope you all take care,

Antonio

CT Angiogram was not fun...

I had my CT angiogram and it wasn't fun.

Let's just say the catheter into an artery was the least of the scary stuff.

They had to do the scan THREE TIMES, so 3x the radiation and 3x the iodine dye. 

Every time they did the injection, it made me feel like I was on fire. They said it was normal. but jesus - not a fun feeling. Especially not three times.

Anyway, I find out my results of the scan and my heart monitor (im still wearing it for 19 more days) on the 8th of October I believe.

Wish me luck! 

More updates...

Just a quick update, I am off to get a CT Angiogram on Tuesday 5th of September.

I am still on my 4 week heart monitor. 

Had a rough day a couple of days ago, with racing heart and almost passing out. Yesterday was a better/calmer day.

Today fingers crossed, has been relaxing and uneventful. 

Hope everyone is doing well!

Health update

Just a quick update that I finally saw the cardiologist at the clinic. It was a week later than expected because I wasn't well enough to travel last week.

I had an ecg, heart echo and a treadmill stress test. 

I will need to book in a CT angiogram to check my arteries and then a 4 week long heart monitor to check the rhythm of my heart.

Doctor assured me he will find out what is wrong with me if it is indeed heart related.

He said if everything comes back normal after a month, then I should look to speak to a neurologist, because it could be seizures.

Time will tell, but I really want my life back. :(

A little update

Well on the 21st I am off to a cardiology clinic to follow up on some findings when I was in hospital.

Apparently I had an "episode of SVT, with low qrs voltage in precordial leads".

I am not sure how long I will stay in the clinic but its been urgent cause my fainting episodes are getting really bad. I am at a point where I can't even stand in the shower or walk on concrete or steps/stairs in fear of falling and hurting myself.

I have already hurt my head a couple of times (small bruises) and one time my entire left side was hurting for a week cause i fell on my left side when I fainted. 

The heart issue has also caused me to become home bound cause I can no longer drive a car. I am afraid of taking public transport because of all the standing and I don't want to faint in front of people. So my only method right now is taxi or ubering to places and that costs a fortune. So I basically stay home everyday and it does take its toll. It makes me depressed being stuck all the time, almost like im under house arrest.

Still I am trying to keep my spirits up and at least find out EXACTLY why I faint. I am certain its not related to the 8 tumors i have but never know. 

I want to thank everyone for their continued support. It means a lot to me and helps me pay my bills and keep my stress levels down. 

Welcome Kami Shahi!!

Thanks so much for joining! You will get your name on my mod page as a supporter!