SpanishRed

Staying Safe in the Scene

On Wednesday night, I went to a play party. Consent was given. The right to “yes” was heeded, and we all lived happily ever after. The most dramatic thing that happened was that I decided not to have a cupcake. The vast majority of our events follow the same stellar mould. Spend 10 minutes on Fetlife, though, and you’ll think every event comes with three non-consensual gropings, two stolen floggers, and a bottom in the ER. I read so many posts about consent violations that I forget our ...

Things Epilepsy Taught Me About Depression

I posted the original of this writing here a few days ago. I adapted it for depression. I thought it might be of some use, so I'm posting that adaptation here.

That the Brain is an Unreliable Fact Checker

When people think of epilepsy, they think fall-down seizures, but that’s a tiny percentage of our symptoms. I once saw football-sized bubbles floating all over my garden. I saw a cat jump out of a wall. The brain can create a world that doesn’t exist and make you believe b...

Two BDSM Noobs Do Not Make a Right

Fetlife is an incredible luxury. We have millions of kinky people and thousands of kink events at our fingertips. The ethics of WIIWD sink into your pores merely if you stand around the scene talking about cupcakes. We go to parties. We develop good kink values. We read posts. We develop even more. We use groups. We learn. We meet new friends. We grow. We play. We evolve.

That’s why I think that hunting for tops out in VanillaVille is setting yourself up for a world of pain. I’m sur...

Things That Would Happen if Fetlife Removed Commercial Profiles

For-profit events would drop off the face of the planet.

Fetlife is the only kink site big enough to give kinksters all over the world access to kink events. Other developers have tried to fill the same need and failed. I don’t know about your city, but here in Cape Town, most event hosts are going professional because running free events is a thankless task. Let’s do a quick survey of my events tab:

• Event one: For-profit munch-type party.

  <...
  2024-06-16 09:29:23 +0000 UTC View Post

Things Epilepsy Has Taught Me

When people think of epilepsy, they think fall-down seizures, but that’s a tiny percentage of our symptoms. When a temporal lobe epilepsy sufferer gets control, they will typically complain about the seizures they miss.

Back when my epilepsy wasn’t controlled, I saw football-sized bubbles floating all over my garden. I saw a cat jump out of a wall. The brain can change your entire reality. It can create a world that doesn’t exist and make you believe beyo...

BDSM is Like Hiking. You've Got to Walk at the Same Pace

When E and I started our relationship, our kinks beautifully. Somewhere along the way, though, I raced ahead. My preferences became increasingly extreme, and his stayed exactly where they'd always been. This happens, and if you’re not poly, it’s tough to negotiate the pace. When your kinks become unmatched, your relationship is a lot like a hike.

Some hike leaders walk at the front to goad the party into setting a faster pace.

Some lead from the back, allowing the slowest hike...

My Sexuality Lives in the Mud

I love mud in my kink. You can have all the rainbows if you like. I don’t want them. I prefer filth and grit and authenticity. CNC is muddy. Every moment carries a thousand possibilities, and the anticipation of it drives me all the way into the dirt. I love it.

I don’t much care if it’s a dangerous way to play. I’m not a fan of sanity in BDSM. I want the high cliff, the steep drop, the long fall.

I can’t tell you if this makes me pathological, but when I first found CNC...

Sometimes You Find Mr Right and Your Pathologies Don't Match

This is Drax. He has a snoot that needs booping.

He was intercepted on the way to a meat trade slaughterhouse. I feel ill just typing that. When he first arrived in Cape Town, he’d rush to the other side of the kennel and hide. Soon enough, he learned that some humans were for cuddling, so he made friends with many of the female volunteers. A few of us formed a Drax fan club. The trainers wan...

Please Don't Shout the Comment Filter Down. Some People Need It.

A year back, someone brought my profile to a halt by posting the same comment repeatedly in my threads for five hours. That’s one message a minute over… and over… and over. There was so much spam I couldn’t cut through the noise. When the caretakers nuked the profile, he’d open another… and another… and another. It took several attempts to get rid of the person responsible.

I have another hater who’s been posting the same comment in my threads via sock puppets for a year...

There’s an entire demographic of women who aren’t into the Vanderbilts and John Holmeses of this world.

This week I Google-stalked Jim B, the tall, absurdly rich man who picked me up in a bookstore and took me to his five-star hotel for a week of clumsy sex decades ago. I tracked him down because, for the life of me, I couldn’t visualise his face. His 10-inch penis? That I remember well, and not because of its size. He had what many men pine for—The cock and the cash, but he felt awkward about both.

Steven wasn’t the type you’d think of when you imagine a compelling ...

Things That Will Happen if You Don't Ban Predators from Kink Events

My bathroom tiles have begun to crack. This is a minor symptom, but I know enough to worry about what’s happening on the other side of the wall where nobody can see. A little moisture can cause a lot of destruction. Water will find its way through the smallest of spaces—even those that are invisible to the naked eye, and the consequences become increasingly dire with every passing day.

Predators are a lot like water. If you leave them to fester, fester, they will. They’ll seep int...

My submission was just the trash my sense of worthlessness kept throwing out the window.

As a sub, I have two conflicting needs:

* To listen to my body’s inability to continue.

* To make my top happy.

When faced with cognitive dissonance, the human mind becomes desperate for one thing: to resolve the dissonance. We do this by reducing the importance of one dissonant belief in order to restore consistency. Rationality need not be a part of that process. For some reason, the human brain cares more about resolving dissonance than it does...

When You Fall for a Man Who's Exactly Like You

My boyfriend, Norman, introduced me to H because our book shelves and CD folders were identical. We were two assholes in a pod, so when I broke up with Norman, H was the first person I called. Thus followed a five-year love story replete with an engagement to be married. In those days, I stopped bothering to look for new music or books. H had the same taste as I did, so when my favourite artists released albums, I only listened to the tracks he added to our playlist.

Even years after we...

Open Letter From a Dude Who Doesn't Like the Word "Cis" -- I Mean Redd

Dear Oxford University Press

As The People of the Dikshennery, you decide which words stay and which ones go. I would like to submit a complaint about one of the words in your book. I’ve noticed a lot of people have been referring to some M&Ms as redd these days. I do not concent to this adjective. It’s offensive. Someone I know once said redd is a bad colour for walls, so the word is clearly derogatory in every context. If you discuss red M&Ms, you’re saying they’re a b...

If a Woman Stands in a Forest and There Are No Men to See Her

When I was seven, Barbie was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. My grandmother used to tell me that it was easy to be slim at my age, but one day, my body would resist all my efforts. I would have to learn the discipline of starvation early, or I'd become one of those women who wore size 14 jeans and comfortable shoes. She began teaching me yoga before I'd learned how to write. Even as a child, I knew that bodily imperfection wasn't just a physiological crisis. It was a mor...

Depression is a Tiny Monster Hidden Under Your Shirt (TW)

Depression is a tiny monster hidden under your shirt. You’ve got to take it everywhere you go without letting anyone notice. Monster is kicking. Monster is screeching. Monster is crying all over your blouse, which has been rendered transparent from its constant, infernal weeping. If anyone notices, they will find you alarming, so you stop what you’re doing. You go home and wait for the worst to pass. Tomorrow, you will put on a lovely summer dress and dare to go outside. Monster isn’t a...

Why I Won't Remove the Word "Cis" From My Vocabulary

The English Language consists of around a million words. I love the word obfuscate. I hate the word cunt. I’m not alone in having favourites. The most hated words in English are <duh duh duhn>:

Moist
Bulbous
Fester
Blog

I’ve used some of those words in my posts. Nobody has ever told me I shouldn’t use them because they don’t like the sound of them. This only happens when I use the word “cis”.

Cis is defined as “on this side.” In the context of ...

A Note for the Grammar Police

I’ve spent most of my life with active epilepsy. I’ve taken a lot of temporal and occipital lobe damage, so I can’t always remember what the pet with the meows is. I’m somewhat face-blind, so I can’t tell the difference between the characters on Peaky Blinders. When I choose movies, I make sure they don’t have too many characters. I can’t remember their names, let alone tell the difference between their faces. I often lose my ability to spell fifth-grade words, and ...

Shame

The Dark, the Sun, and Sexual Nirvana

I lost my virginity when I was 16 if you’re a censor, and earlier if you want the truth. In those days, sex was only about the finishing line. To get there, you jumped over a few hurdles, and then you went to sleep.

In the dark.

Under the covers.

Wearing his T-shirt.

Sexual boredom feels like one tired orgasm after the moon comes out.

S was different. We were vulgar long before we were in love. He...

If Men Were Crocodiles

Woman: There are three Nile crocodiles between me and the doorway. Please help!

Alan: Have you tried calming down?

Woman: What?

Alan: Your problem is you’re feeling too anxious, so calm your tits and you’ll be fine. Ask me. I feel perfectly calm in my croc-free house.

Woman: My feelings aren’t the problem. The crocodiles are. Fuck. One of them just bit my hand off.

Alan: I don’t care what our s...

2024-06-04 04:32:12 +0000 UTC View Post

Things That Will Happen if You Run a Kink Event

You’ve decided to run an event! This is going to be super fun!

• People will consider you a Leader of the Kink Community™, even if you just arrange a weekly coffee date. Did Jack tie Jill to the rafters without permission? It’s your fault. Did the brats get free and put googly eyes on all the cupcakes? Your fault.

• You’re now all-knowing and omnipotent. Congratulations.

• Who bedazzled the St Andrews cross? You don’t know? Then you’re not doi...

  2024-06-02 12:41:15 +0000 UTC View Post

Waiting for a Life that Never Happens

In my favourite play, “Waiting for Godot,” two men head to a tree and wait. That’s it. That’s the entire play. By the end, nothing has happened. No progress has been made. We don’t even find out who Godot is or why we’re waiting. That’s beside the point, which is that we all spend our lives waiting for something that never happens.

When I was 20, I was waiting for a grand career and a husband. A baby might have been nice, too.

When I was 25, I found out it isn’t ea...

Self Worth Doesn't Care About Logic

Give Me the Truth, However Cruel

H and I lived a love story magical enough to turn into a rom-com. He adored me, so why wouldn’t I pack up my life and move to the other side of the province for him? Love is more important than career, isn’t it? So why wouldn’t you move to a town that has one traffic light if it means keeping your relationship alive? 

I spent five years with him. A relationship that lasting has a thousand domino effects. No relationship ever succeeded without sacrifices so I made...

Things Normals Should Know About Neurospicy People

• We’re spicy, not toxic. Neurospicy doesn’t always mean disabled. It just means different. Many of our spicy traits are highly advantageous. I wouldn’t be able to write if I was neurotypical. I wouldn’t even be interested in such things. My brain is obsessed with philosophy and words, and that’s why you’re reading me right now. My neuro-spice sends me on grand forays of the imagination, and that’s far from a toxin.

• Some spicy traits make our lives better. S...

  2024-05-30 06:42:15 +0000 UTC View Post

It’s easy to find Mr Right on Fetlife

It’s easy to find Mr Right on Fetlife. No, really. Just hear me out. There are galeventy million people here. Eleventy-twelve thousand of them are interested in BDSM, and 10% of that demographic is sweet enough to buy you flowers and everything. There are tons and tons of ethical, wonderful men on Fetlife. This is a statistical fact that I completely made up.

There is a problem, though. Most of them live in Antarctica… Or Cakestown, Ireland if they’re good people. My first kink me...

Intersectional feminism doesn’t claim that you have perfect lives. It only claims that oppression stacks.

I spent my early childhood eating the scraps my mother earned by fixing appliances in our apartment block. Life was tough for women in the Seventies. They couldn’t simply decide to become engineers or scientists. They had to make do with a tenth of the job market, earning a pittance because women’s work didn’t pay much. In those days, we couldn’t even have credit cards.

Still, my mother worked five times as hard as her colleagues to become an engineer. She then began our second ...

Being an Incel is a Bit Like Trying to Adopt a Dog

On Thursday I fell in love with a cute li’l floof called Snoop Dogg, but I was too late to adopt him. He already has a home pending. I cried a little, I’ll admit. I’ve been looking for a rescue to adopt since February. It’s been a difficult search. There are shelter dogs I love to pieces. I’ve been tempted to adopt one of them, but I'm worried I can't give him the life he needs, so I’m still living in a pupper-less home.

If pups were women and I was an incel, I would charge ...

Sorry!

I'm having a very writerly day and trying not to overload you with content.