thehardtimes

Hard Digest February 19: Katy Perry, Eric Clapton, Vets, and More

Democrats Announce Bold Plan to Resist Trump Policies by Playing Katy Perry’s “Roar” Really Loud

By Reuben Blanchard 

WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership announced their plans to play the 2013 Katy Perry song “Roar” very loud in response to the aggressive start of President Dona...

Hard Digest February 18: Early Access Jello Biafra, Mandela Effect, Jukeboxes, and More

Punk Really Needs You to Understand He Hates Hippies in a Jello Biafra Sort of Way, Not a Ronald Reagan Sort of Way

By Noah Dominguez 

BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a...

Hard Digest February 17: Early Acess Tool, Counting Crows, Noise, and More

Jehovah’s Witness and Tool Fan Spend All Night Trying to Convert Each Other

By Tyler Roland 

JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources verified.

“So this weirdo sho...

Hard Digest February 16: Early Access Decisions, Adulting, Photography, and More

Dad Must Make Heart-Wrenching Decision Between Deleting Family Pictures or Drum Samples Off Hard Drive

By Jose Balderas 

FULLERTON, Calif. — New dad and aspiring musician Gerry Malnati was forced to decide whether to delete pictures from previous vacations and gatherings with family or dru...

Hard Digest February 14: Early Access Red Hot Chili Peppers, Drake, Trump, and More

Punk Awakes in Cold Sweat With Realization That LA Wildfires Might Inspire Red Hot Chili Peppers to Write New Music

By Trevor Graham 

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corey Lambert awoke in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after realizing that the devastating Los Angeles wildfires could in...

Hard Digest February 13: Early Access Valentine's Day and More

Crust Punk Plans Romantic Valentine’s Day for Partner with Trail of Loose Cigarettes Leading to Dirty Mattress

By Ben Friedman 

NEW YORK — Local crustie Joel McCaffrey was seen excitedly planning a romantic Valentine’s Day evening for his partner by leaving a trail of loose cigarettes...

MVP: Sonic Youth "Dirty Boots"

Young love, is there anything better? This week, Bill and Dan break down the video for Sonic Youth's "Dirty Boots" and go over everything from ticket prices to stage diving technique. The perfect listen for you and that special person in your life this Valentine's Day.

Hard Digest February 12: Early Access Anxiety, Death Grips, Frontmen, and More

Man’s Debilitating Social Anxiety Mistaken for Cool Indifference

By The Hard Times Staff 

NEW BEDFORD, Mass. — Friends and family of local man Rick Winston marveled at his nonchalant attitude about attending highly anticipated social events without realizing it’s actually due to severe so...

Hard Digest February 11: Early Access Interpol, Danzig, Bravery, and More

Interpol Announces Plans to Take Off Sunglasses

By Peyton Cabral

NEW YORK — Perennially vogue indie group Interpol announced plans to finally remove their sunglasses after 28 years, confirmed sources who finally just got used to their slick on-stage look.

“For decades we’ve been a band ...

Hard Digest February 10: Chappell Roan, Early Access Lars Ulrich, Rodney Mullen, Reddit Comments, and More

Chappell Roan Wakes up With Pink Pony Head in Bed After Criticizing Record Industry

By Tom Scarcella

LOS ANGELES — Popstar Chappell Roan woke up to discover the severed and pink-painted head of a pony in her bed yesterday, seemingly a threatening response to her Grammys speech criticizing the re...

Hard Digest February 10: Super Bowl Stuff, Early Access Miss Murder, Lexapro, and Christmas Music

Miss Murder Now Mrs. Murder-Harrison Following Marriage to Local Restaurateur

By Mimi Kenny 

STOCKTON, Calif. — Local California woman and artistic muse Vanessa Murder, better known as “Miss Murder” from the AFI song of the same name, had changed her name to Mrs. Murder-Harrison, following h...

Hard Digest February 8: Early Access Guns, Monster Energy, Kendrick, and More

Texas Republicans Introduce Bill Requiring Parental Advisory Stickers on All Guns Sold to Minors

By Tim Sheard

AUSTIN, Texas — GOP lawmakers from the Lone Star State introduced a bill requiring parental advisory stickers be placed on all guns that end up in the hands of minors, sources report.

Hard Digest February 7: Kanye, DOGE, Early Access Hüsker Dü, Meth, Elon Musk, and More

Kanye Announces New Album “Austrian Art School Dropout”

By Matt Husser 

LOS ANGELES — Kanye West followed up a Nazi-glorifying rant on ‘X’ today by announcing the surprise release of his newest studio album “Austrian Art School Dropout,” sources confirmed.

“'Austrian Art Sch...

Hard Digest February 6: Hush Money, Early Access Work Ethic, Gen Alpha, "Youthanasia," and More

Trump Consults Legal Team to Figure Out Hush Money Payments After Fucking Nation

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump met with his team of lawyers to discuss potential hush money payments to 335 million citizens after another round of fucking America raw, sources confirmed.<...

MVP" My Chemical Romance "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"

Have you ever felt.... like listening to a podcast about the My Chemical Romance video for "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"? Well, good news. Because that's exactly the music video we break down on this week's episode of MVP. Tell a friend.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhZTNgAs4Fc

Hard Digest February 5: Early Access Bono, Shrinkflation, Record Scratches, and More

LA Fire Devastation Officially Reaches Bono Tribute Song Level

By Doug Kolic 

LOS ANGELES — U2 frontman Bono announced that the wildfires in California have devastated enough property and ruined a sufficient amount of lives for him to officialy write a tribute song, distraught sources confirme...

Hard Digest February 4: Early Access Friends, Rocky Horror, Thrash, and More

Friend Says You Can Have All Their Worthless Shit if They Die

By Tim Graham 

EAST PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local man Kevin Wright announced plans to leave all of his worldly possessions to his best friend should he die, according to relieved members of their friend group who dodged that bullet. 2025-02-05 01:00:05 +0000 UTC View Post

Hard Digest February 3: Early Access KISS, Cults, Merch, and More

KISS Releases Signature Brand of Tepid, Uninspired, Derivative, Bland Coffee

By Steve Packosky 

LAS VEGAS — Notable classic rock band and purveyor of merchandise KISS released a signature brand of coffee whose taste is closely aligned with their mundane musical output, bored and unimpresse...

Hard Digest February 2: Early Acess VFW Shows, Food, Discogs, and More

VFW Has Emergency Fish Fry in Order to Rid It of Stench from Weekend Punk Show

By Chris Bowen 

UTICA, N.Y. — VFW Post 226 held an emergency fish fry in an attempt to relieve it from the stench that lingered from the punk show held the previous weekend, dry heaving sources report.

“It w...

Hard Digest February 1: Early Access Black Metal, Flogging Molly, and Aging

Black Metal Band Maintains Their Dark Atmosphere While Playing Sparsely Populated Bowling Alley

By Chris Bowen 

CAMILLUS, N.Y. — Local black metal band Bügnorkvlt shrouded a crowd with their evil, mystifying atmosphere, despite playing at a barely attended bowling alley, corpse-painted sou...

Hard Digest January 31: Early Access Reign in Blood, Ohio, David Lynch, and More

Middle-Aged Metal Fan Prepares Elaborate Story for Record Store Clerk About Why He’s Just Now Purchasing “Reign in Blood”

By Jason Clemence 

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local 46-year-old metalhead Rich Dresden nervously concocted a complex narrative to explain to the clerk at Urgent Breakdown R...

Hard Digest January 30: Early Access Chrysler Building, Metal Shirts, Zyn, and More

Chrysler Building Admits It Would Have Been Nice to Have Been Thought of as Possible Target on 9/11

By Doug Kolic 

NEW YORK — The Chrysler Building was recently overheard complaining that it wasn’t one of the buildings targeted by terrorists on 9/11, a close source with knowledge alleged...

MVP: Bone Thugs-n-Harmony "Tha Crossroads"

Today Bill and Dan break down the video that reminds you that death comes for us all and Bone Thugs-n-Harmony are really good rap artists. Join us at the crossroads because we are so very lonely.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMYAEHE2GrM

Hard Digest January 29: Early Access Sober Apps, Radiohead, Fingerboarding, and More

Sober App Not Mad, Just Disappointed

By Dom Turek 

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Just days away from completing his dry January goal, local abstainer Adam Cowell gave in to mounting temptation and crushed a 30-rack this weekend, according to his dismayed sober app, who wasn’t angry, but very disapp...

Hard Digest January 28: Early Access Toilet Paper, Adrenaline Junkies, Biker Gangs, and More

Venue Physicists Discover Toilet Paper Thinner Than a Photon of Light

By Rob Ryder 

OSLO, Norway — Physicists at the Goering Institute of Hardcore Physics recently discovered a new form of toilet paper thinner than a photon of light, confirmed side-eying sources.

“Many previously susp...

Hard Digest January 27: Early Access Makeup Sex, the Cryptkeeper, Mocktails, and More

Band Fight Leads to Band Makeup Sex

By Cory Cousins 

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — Local stoner rockers Dust Buster’s recent argument that devolved into screaming and name-calling ultimately led to hot, steamy, erotic makeup sex, staff for the practice facility confirm.

“If I’ve said it o...

Hard Digest January 26: Early Access Korn, Aging, Congress, and More

Korn Fan Begrudgingly Admits Band Peaked With the First 50 Seconds of “Blind”

By Zack Zagranis 

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local Korn fan Floyd Brennan recently admitted that the band hit its peak approximately 50 seconds into the song “Blind,” confirmed sources who didn’t think he mad...

Hard Digest January 25: Early Access Rush, Dry January, Militias, and More

High School Rush Fan Spends Seven Minutes in Heaven Making Pretty Girl Listen to “Working Man”

By Ryan Werner 

ST. LOUIS — Local Rush fan and high school senior Micah Kirby spent the entirety of the make out game Seven Minutes in Heaven playing “Working Man” by Canadian prog rock trio...

Hard Digest January 24: Early Access Billy Corgan, Death Metal Drummers, Awareness, and More

“What Does Billy Corgan Think About All This?” Wonders Billy Corgan

By Ryan Werner 

CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins singer and National Wrestling Alliance owner Billy Corgan suddenly wondered what Billy Corgan thought about all that was going on in the world, confirmed the man himself.

...

Hard Digest January 23: Early Access Moshing, Instagram, Poly Couples, and More

Punk Comes to Sudden Realization That Moshing Pretty Stupid

By John Danek

CHARLEROI, Pa. — Lifelong punk Hunter Burchuk experienced the startling epiphany that moshing is “dumb as hell” during a recent local hardcore show, concerned friends reported.

“I was two-stepping during a breakdo...