Ancilla L

Writing The Rainbow: The Rejection of Yellow

In a sense, I am private about my living space. Not the whole house, just the part of it that I consider home.

Back in my parent's house, this was my bedroom. Few people entered my bedroom even then and after a certain age, I always locked the door when I was inside (call it paranoia, I still do it). By the time I was 16, I had painted three of the walls black and adorned them with red symbols of teenage disturbia (and, you know).That summer I was out on a "sevice project" with a group ...

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "I'm going to try to figure that out as well." (21/9/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "2021-09-21 12:44:40 +0000 UTC View Post

Spit or Swallow.

She used to piss in my mouth. She told me specifically not to swallow, just kneel on the floor, tilt my head backwards, and let it fill up in my mouth. Let it flow out when my mouth fills up, trickle down my chin, let it get in my eyes and hair, drench my chest. Then she'd make me hold what was left in my mouth, crawl to the toilet and slowly spray it into the bowl. I had to make a little ring with my lips, like one does when they whistle, and then push it out slowly. At the pace one might ac...

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "Shoes use me and I thank them." (17/09/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "2021-09-17 07:11:02 +0000 UTC View Post

Podcast E16: Stroking Furniture And Moving All The Time.

What is home when you are never in one place for too long? Why did i stroke the furniture? 

At least one of those answers is in there. 

Enjoy! 

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "I want to stop having orgasms."

Note: Welcome to my journal. This is a new segment. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the2021-09-14 08:30:41 +0000 UTC View Post

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: "He still won't touch me." (12/09/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. This is a new segment. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find 2021-09-12 13:15:54 +0000 UTC View Post

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: Entry 4 (11/09/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. This is a new segment. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "2021-09-11 12:56:38 +0000 UTC View Post

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: Entry 3 (10/09/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. This is a new segment. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "2021-09-10 07:50:17 +0000 UTC View Post

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: Entry 2 (9/9/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. This is a new segment. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "2021-09-09 06:17:30 +0000 UTC View Post

Podcast E15: What The Hell Makes A Relationship Work?

Okay, so I imagine you're expecting an answer, let me tell you now, I don't have the right one. I have an answer that I've been thinking about because a lot of people talk to me about their relationships and all the discussion gives me questions and thoughts. This is not a solution, it's questions and thoughts. 

Ancilla's Dirty Diary: Entry 1 (8/9/21)

Note: Welcome to my journal. This is a new segment. It's an unfiltered collection of my thoughts and relationship. It's an erotic journal so it's mostly dirty. It's more loose and unstructured than most of my writing, and much more blatant, something of an extension of my actual journal that I write with a pen. Some of these pieces will be short and others longer. It's a journal, I can't control how much I feel about my day. You can find all the pieces under the tag "Ancilla's Dirty Diary".&n...

I Never Know What Will Happen When I Call Him Daddy.

It felt like the distance from my head all the way over to him spanned acres. I couldn't see him because I was lying on my back and I couldn't touch him because he was sitting on a stool placed between my legs. The only part of him that touched me was the tip of his thumb when it accidentally landed alongside the belt on my thighs. Each time that happened, I moved my right hand around on the very ugly but extremely cosy turquoise quilt that came with this room, hoping th...

Bad Girls Splutter and Choke.

"Do you see that babygirl?" He asked me pointing to the screen, "Do you see?"

Of course, I could see. I could see the tall, bendy woman down on her knees. I didn't know her but I knew the cock she was wrapping her pretty pink lips around.

His cock.

Daddy's big beautiful cock.

He was ramming into her throat and she was swallowing his cock whole. One big gulp after another.

"You see that?" He asked holding me behind my neck, "You see how she doesn't splut...

Podcast E14: Sex Parties and New Normals

Hello! 

For an episode about kinky sex parties this one gets really political. Regardless, it does address the issues and mindset of fulfilling your wildest sexual fantasies, and how eventually you start to take it for granted. 

But I wouldn't be myself if I didn't share 12-other stories along the way. 

Enjoy! 

Podcast E13: The Death of Love.

Hello! 

This one is a little sad, though I did my best to make some inappropriate jokes. What happens when love dies? Do you feel it? Is it instant? How does it happen? 

You aren't about to find out, just listen to a lot of questions and feelings I have about it. 

My apologies? 

My Sexuality Is Not My Personality.

There are a lot of things I do that seem like they are part of the stereotype and social role of being a woman. There are a lot of things I do that seem like adherence to the domestic responsibility that is disproportionately placed on women. I wash my husband's clothes. I make our bed and clean our room. I polish his shoes and ensure his uniforms are clean and ready for him. I organise his life for him, I buy the things he needs to function everyday like shaving foam an...

Writing The Rainbow: The Memories of Orange.

I could not have been older than five. I was sailing with my father and the moment we stepped out onto the deck that evening I noticed, the orange sky.

It may have been my first orange sky.

I was a kid and in kid world roses are red and skies are blue.

"Why is the sky orange?" I asked my father.

"Sometimes after a storm, the sky turns orange," he explained.

We stayed out on deck until night fell; s...

Podcast E12: The Dirty, Sick Pleasure of Feeling Sorry.

Hello! 

This week's podcast is strongly personal and weirdly sexual.  I discuss how I discovered that feeling sorry makes me feel aroused and how that can go horribly wrong, and wonderfully right. 

Enjoy! 

(Also answer my one question from the podcast. The one about dreams.)

Writing The Rainbow: The Senses of Red.

I wouldn't wear red lipstick for the longest time. Oh I bought one every year since I was 16 and there was nothing concrete stopping me from from wearing it. Yet I was reluctant to even rub it onto my lips in the darkness of night when there was no one around to witness my audacity. I had no idea what I was holding on for until the night I was dressing up to meet my very first client. And by client I mean the first person to ever pay for the business venture that was my body. 

All ...

Still Made Of Dirt.

"Would you like a drink while you wait?" She asked, appearing out of nowhere. 

I looked up expecting to see a young woman with a bright smile and a little yellow pencil.  Instead, there she was, in her pretty green dress; her eyebrows shaped in a way that made her look like she was constantly surprised. 

It took me a moment to remember where I was. Of late, I have such a tendency to wander away in my thoughts. So far away that even when I am ca...

Podcast E11: When You're More Sexually Experienced Than Your Partner.

Hello! 

In this episode I talk about the situation where you're more sexually experienced than your partner. More specifically, when a woman is more sexually experienced than a man in a heterosexual relationship. There is some unfair social context here and some personal context that is worth some discussion. 

Enjoy! 

The Girl In The White Box.

She came in a big white box I wasn't allowed to touch. He put it on the dining table and went out for a run. The cats wandered over to it almost immediately. Sniffing and prodding. They seemed suspicious of the contents at first, swiping at the cardboard and jumping back as if they expected something to jump out, but when it didn't, they climbed on top of it and went to sleep. I watched from the side of the room, thinking about the moment when the decision to bring her home was made. It was o...

13 Men Who Bought Me: C3: The One Who Bought What He Already Owned.

Note: This is a series. The prologue can be found here and the catalogue of all the posts is here. These pieces can be read as standalone pieces but you will get the best out of them if you read them as a series. In the end, the series will be compiled into a book and all Patrons can have a k...

Bitch.

"If you're going to act like a bitch, I'm going to treat you like a bitch," he said clasping the choke chain around my collar.

I am bitchy, I suppose. Most of the time I'm just snarky and mean for fun but sometimes I pick the wrong moment. The wrong person. In my defense, it's second nature to me and in his defense, he'd like it not to be. I guess I can see why it's annoying. It annoys my father too, he doesn't ask me any questions anymore because he's just accepted that he'll only ge...

Podcast E10: Youth and The Death of An Old Man

Hello everyone! 

This week I talk about a sad but profound moment with an old man who died later in the week and the social, sexual and professional disadvantage of being judged for being young. 

Enjoy. 

Thanks for listening! 

Why do so many relationships seem scary?

Every once in a while I will come across a relationship that scares me. I don't mean to say that the relationship seems dysfunctional or that it even seems unhappy, I just find it hard to picture myself in their relationship without hurting my own feelings. Sometimes it can be a very small-seeming thing. Like a couple I came across in which the woman was submissive and the man was dominant, their relationship was based on a lot of objectification and bondage, but he..ate her pussy a lot. I kn...

Fly On The Wall.

She's pretty, but not in a way that would make people uncomfortable; her appearance isn't so dazzling that it makes her unapproachable. Or maybe I just desperately want to believe that because I can't stop comparing myself to her. She is prettier than me, I think, yet I don't want her to be the most beautiful woman he could ever imagine himself being with. I want that to be me, but I know that isn't true. She doesn't flaunt her appearance though, for as long as I've known her she has dressed ...

Podcast E9: When You Fall In Love With Your Best Friend.

Hello! 

Glad to see you're all still here and eternally moved by your constant support and encouragement. 

This week I talk about something relatable — falling in love with a close friend — and how that can sometimes have a totally unrelatable ending. We expect that situation to lead to ending a friendship forever, but what if it doesn't? What if it makes you relationship stronger? I have a story, where it did. 

Enjoy! 

Playing Fantasy In A Faraway Land.

I drink beer only when I am in that town, I have this irrational belief that beer loses half of its calories if there is an ocean in the vicinity. Plus I really like their beer, I haven't had beer like that anywhere in the whole world. I can't get enough of it. By the third time that I visited, they would unlock the bar the moment I walked in after running in the morning. Beer after running is shockingly good. I love those people, they always take care of me: the bartender brings me pot, the ...