The Broad Side of a Barn: Chapter 3

The next morning, Kazuma, Darkness, and the rest of the party (plus Yunyun) all went to the tournament grounds to register. Darkness was dressed in her armor, though she had on a tiara like crown with the Dustiness sigil on it. 

“Stay close to me, Megumin. You’re still a wanted woman,” Darkness told the chuuni little menace when they arrived at the tournament grounds, which were just to the south of Axel along the River Spoke. 

There were people everywhere, with large, colorful tents and dozens of temporary wooden stands going up. The sound of hammers and saws could be heard everywhere, along with shouting men and creaking wagon axles. Most of the people Kazuma didn’t even recognize, meaning they had to be from out of town, as he knew all the regulars in Axel by sight if not by name at this point. 

“Haha! After this tournament, I shall be even MORE wanted, as I will be crowned the Champion of Magic!” Megumin proclaimed, swishing her cloak dramatically. 

“Megumin…you do realize that the Tournament calls for a series of contests between mages, correct?” Darkness said wearily. “Contests that need to be decidedly non-lethal.”

“What!? That is not how a proper showcase of skill works! The mages should introduce themselves, and be graded on their style! Then they showcase their most impressive spells before a panel of judges, and based upon the destruction wrought, receive further points!” Megumin said. 

Kazuma turned to Yunyun. “Is that what happens where you’re from?”

“Um, no. The l-last Strongest Under the Heavens Crimson Deathmatch took place, um, 137 years ago. It, uh, it was also the first. W-we had to move to a new village after that…the old one was rendered uninhabitable,” Yunyun admitted. “M-My great-great-grandmother, Chief Linainver, banned it after that.”

“That is because our ancestors were a bunch of cowards,” Megumin grumbled, kicking at a rock. She suddenly perked up. “I know! Kazuma can use drain touch on me after each bout! Then I can-”

“NO!” Kazuma and Darkness said at the same time. 

“Megumin, you are under no circumstances to blow up the tournament grounds!” Darkness said, grabbing the smaller girl by the arm. 

“I wouldn’t blow them up! Just showcase my magnificent Explosion Magic!” Megumin argued. 

“Uh huh. What if you actually killed someone?!” Kazuma demanded. 

“Aqua could just bring them back,” Megumin grumbled. 

“Not if they’re vaporized,” Aqua said with a shrug. “There has to be something left of them.”

“Oh, uh, well, um…surely the crowd will be so wowed by my display of Explosion Magic that they will crown me the victor!” Megumin rebutted hopefully. 

A lightbulb went off in Kazuma’s head. “You know, some of these suckers aren’t from around here, Megumin.”

“Yes, obviously, what is your point?” Megumin asked, her eyes narrowing. 

“Well, you also haven’t set off an Explosion in a couple of days, so some of them won’t know just how devastating your Explosions can be…so what if we tricked some mages into betting they could set off a bigger boom than you? Then, you could prove your superiority AND win some eris off a few marks when you prove that you’re the most destructive maniac in the entire world.”

Megumin blinked a few times, then a wide grin spread over her face. “HAHA! Yes! My mastery of Explosion Magic is such that none can even hope to contest me! If we create our own magecraft competition, then I shall easily be the victor, and all shall be forced to acknowledge me as the mistress of Explosion magic!” 

“Yeah…we just gotta find some suckers who would be willing to take you on…” Kazuma said, rubbing his hands together. 

“Ha ha, of course! Yunyun, you must enter this contest as well!” Megumin demanded. 

“Oh! Um, b-but I only know Advanced Magic and Intermediate Magic…” Yunyun said, blushing nervously. 

“That’s a fine idea. I’m certain you’ll both represent the honor of the Crimson Demon Clan well,” Darkness said with a nod. 

“B-but, I…oh, never mind,” Yunyun mumbled. 

“And Yunyun will ALSO enter into the boring, ordinary Magecraft competition so that she can prove the superiority of the Crimson Demon Clan over all other mages as well!” 

Gasping, Yunyun put her hands to her face. “M-Megumin! You…you…”

“Obviously, I will still triumph in the contest of Explosion magic, which means I am still the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan!” Megumin bragged, swaggering ahead of her rival. 

Hurrying forward, Yunun walked beside Megumin, glancing at her nervously. Megumin turned her head and glared. “What?”

“N-nothing…”

“Hmph.” 

The two Crimson Demons strode off, with Megumin loudly describing an increasingly elaborate plan for her contest, and Yunyun meekly nodding. 

Sighing, Kazuma rubbed the back of his head. “Those two…ugh. Well, at least that’s one problem solved, and we get Megumin out of our hair…”

“Deftly handled, Kazuma, thank you. I will see to it that Alderp sets aside a suitable area for the contest. He should comply, if we agree to pay him a share of the profits,” Darkness said with a shake of her head. 

“I mean, we could just make everyone trek out to Beldia’s old castle. It’s still spawning zombies and stuff, right? So blowing it up would only help everyone. No need to split the profits with that fat bastard.”

“These are his lands, and this is his tournament. We are already in enough debt and legal trouble as it is. Sometimes, Kazuma, it really is best to ask for permission instead of needing to beg forgiveness after the fact.” 

“Yeah, I guess. Hey, wait a minute, where’d Aqua go?” Kazuma said, spinning about. “I swear, if she’s off causing trouble-!”

Darkness looked about hastily herself, then suddenly relaxed and pointed. “Ah. It seems she found some of her old coworkers. There.” 

Following her gesture, Kazuma spied Aqua, who had somehow changed into her old builder’s uniform of a bandana, loose shirt, and baggy canvas pants. She was helping their old construction crew put up some booths, which would both keep her out of trouble and get her a little pocket money. 

“Well, that’s alright then,” Kazuma sighed in relief. He jerked his head towards the largest tent, which had colorful banners fluttering from it, including Alderp’s own banner, which was a red and blue pennant with a silver mailed fist on it. It looked tacky as far as Kazuma was concerned, not like Darkness’ stylish golden winged sword and shield on a silver background. “Shall we?”

Darkness closed her eyes, then nodded. “Yes. Yes, we shall.”

That was weird. Why was she acting like this was going to be torture? Or, well, not torture. If it had been torture, she’d have been drooling, and Kazuma would have had to drag her away before she did something dumb. 

“Hey, uh, what’s up?” Kazuma asked as they walked. “You uh, seem off today. Is this about…you know? Last night…”

“We will speak of your demon later, Kazuma,” Darkness said firmly. “There are some humiliations I will gladly endure. But one of my party members being a pet to a demon is not one of them.”

“That’s not what- look, it’s uh, it’s more like VR porn,” Kazuma said, then winced. That probably did not help his case.

Darkness frowned down at him. “VR…porn? What is…? Kazuma, do not lie to me!” 

“Uh, virtual reality porn. Come on, you know what porn is, don’t you?”

“I…” Darkness hesitated. “...I have heard of…pornographic materials. They are…lewd depictions of men and women, yes?”

“Oh come on! With your pervy mind, there’s no way you don’t have a massive stash!” Kazuma said, pointing an accusatory finger at Darkness. 

“K-Kazuma, not so loud! We…we are in public!” Darkness gasped, her eyes flitting around, though it was noisy enough that he doubted anyone would hear him or care unless he shouted. Still, she was squirming in embarrassment, and maybe it wasn’t such a hot idea that Kazuma out the both of them as perverts. He lowered his voice. 

“Look, your dad has a big old stash in his room! You can’t tell me you’ve never snuck a look! He’s a dirty old man for sure! Plus, he’s got those two maids…”

Darkness groaned and put her face in her hands. “I…I did sneak a peak, once or twice, but…but it is filthy, Kazuma! I-I a maiden, virtuous and pure!” 

“Right. Sure. And what happened in the bath last night?” Kazuma asked, folding his arms over his chest. 

“T-that was-! T-that was merely two…two companions…h-helping one another get clean,” Darkness mumbled, looking away from him, though she was starting to drool again. “A-and, um, a relaxing massage. I…I have had those before!”

“Sure. But you definitely know what porn is.”

“I am a crusader! What would Lady Eris think if she…if she saw me with such wretched materials?!” Darkness hissed at Kazuma, leaning in close so that he felt her hot breath on his ear. 

“Eh, she wouldn’t judge. Really, the priesthood is a bit stricter than Lady Eris is on the whole virtue thing. As long as you have a formal betrothal in place, go nuts. And even then, heavy petting  or a few dirty pictures aren’t going to send you straight to the bad place. If you feel really guilty, confess your sins to the priest and pay an indulgence and you’re good.”

Kazuma and Darkness both jumped and spun about, only to find a cheekily grinning Chris behind them. 

“C-Chris!” Darkness gasped, a hand over her heart. “You startled me! Um, you ah…overheard…?”

“Eh, relax you two!” Chris said, putting an arm over each of their shoulders. “As long as you kids are having fun and being cute together, I’m sure Lady Eris would be supportive! I’m rooting for you, Tina baby! You’ve needed a boyfriend for a long time. And Kazuma…nice. Just remember: she’s way, WAY out of your league, so don’t screw this up.”

“‘We’re not dating!’” Kazuma and Darkness said practically in stereo, then turned and looked at one another and blushed before turning back to Chris.

“We, um, we are merely adventuring companions,” Darkness said, though she was stammering and blushing still, tapping her pointer fingers together. Sometimes, she could actually manage to be kinda cute. 

“You think she’s out of my League?! I’ll have you know, I’m Axel’s most eligible bachelor!” Kazuma protested. 

Darkness and Chris both gave Kazuma flat looks. Then, Chris withdrew her arms, and stepped out towards the crowd. “Yo, Laina, got a sec?” 

“Huh?” a woman with red hair in pigtails that Kazuma recognized as a fellow Adventurer paused. “Hey, what’s up, Chris? What are you-” Her nose slowly wrinkled as she caught sight of Kazuma. “Ugh, did Kazutrash steal your panties again?”

“What?! No, I just- never mind, you answered my question,” Chris huffed. She turned to glare at Kazuma. “You see?”

“...that could just be her. Maybe she just doesn’t like handsome studs like me,” Kazuma grumbled. 

“Sure, sure.” Chris glanced around as Laina hurried off, then suddenly waved. “Hey, hey Seris, got a sec?”

“Huh?” A tall woman with short brown hair paused in carrying a bit of lumber over one of her shoulders. She was another Adventurer Kazuma saw frequently, though it looked like she was doing day labor instead of hunting monsters today. Money was probably easier. “What’s up, Chris? I’m on the job, don’t have a lot of time.” She glanced at Kazuma and frowned. “Pervzuma bothering you again? We can teach him a lesson, like me and Darkness did his buddy Dust when he was makin’ lewd comments.”

“No! Kazuma has, um, well, he has not been a perfect gentleman…but he has not done anything to me I, um, I did not…anyway, he has behaved,” Darkness hastily said, waving her hands in negation.

Seris shook her head in bemusement. “Some people’s taste in men…I thought you were smarter than that, Darkness.”

“You know what, never mind, I think you answered the question. Thanks, Seris!” Chris said, waving with far too much cheer. 

Seris shrugged and strode off, while Chris turned her beaming smile on Kazuma, who was squatting down and poking at the ground with his finger in shame. “You were saying, Kazuma?”

“Maybe they both just have bad taste…”

“Oh, I think you’ll find that they have much better taste in men than some, even if I do think you’re a better guy than they might give credit. Should I find another lady you’re acquainted with to ask? We could go to the guild and poll the waitresses!” 

“...no…” Kazuma mumbled. He would have continued sulking, but Darkness crouched down beside him and rested a hand on his shoulder. 

“Kazuma, it is not just your, ah, somewhat roguish nature, shall we say, that I find appealing. You are also forthright, earnest, and steadfastly loyal. You are, when the chips are down, the best man to have at my side.”

For some reason, hearing Darkness say that made Kazuma feel about three meters tall. He stood up straight, brushing himself off, nose in the air, and peered down at Chris. “You see? Some women get me.”

“Oh, she has your number alright. Don’t worry, I think the two of you are very cute together. Now, how are we saving the orphanage? I was thinking of starting by robbing all the greedy nobles blind!” 

“Chris,” Darkness groaned, putting her face in her hands. 

“I’m supportive of this plan on the condition that experts should receive a commission on completion of a job,” Kazuma said, folding his arms over his chest. 

“Hmmm, possible, possible,” Chris mused. 

“Chris, do not simply rob all the nobles! Some of them are good people, who merely wish to have a chance to prove their skill!” Darkness pleaded. 

“Duh, that’s why I said we should rob the greedy nobles. Tell you what, Darkness. You can pick the victims. Make sure they really deserve it, you know? Unless…” Chris glanced around, then leaned in, “You see, I’m actually on a mission from god.”

“What, do you have to get the band back together?” Kazuma said with a snort. 

“Chris, you are not a cleric!” Darkness said in frustration. 

“No, it’s true! Pray and ask Lady Eris! She’ll tell you! Cross my heart and hope to cry,” Chris swore, tracing an X shape over her left breast. “No, look. Some of these dirty rotten scoundrels have Divine Treasures. You know, the sort that Kazuma was supposed to get, but uh, well he did get a divine treasure…but…”

Kazuma glanced over to where Aqua was helping the construction crew. She’d gotten out a bucket of paint, and was decorating the wooden booths. Actually, she was doing a really good job of it. Maybe too good a job. A small crowd was already forming to watch her work. Perhaps Kazuma should get her to stop…nah. She’d just cause more headaches for him. At least this would keep her busy. 

“I don’t know that I’d call Aqua a treasure, Chris.”

“She’s, um, well she is very powerful?” Chris offered, blushing slightly. 

“Wait, Kazuma, what is Chris saying?” Darkness said, her brow wrinkling. 

“Uh, later. I’ll explain, I promise.” Or he’d find a way to weasel out of it. Maybe Darkness would just forget about it. “So, Chris, need any help with that thieving?”

“I never thought you’d ask! Since you’re obviously useless in all the tournament categories, I figured we’d have our own little competition! I figured I’d teach you the ways of the Thief.”

“Hey now, I’m decidedly not useless in the tournament categories, unlike some people! I’m actually a pretty damn good shot!” Kazuma said, gesturing to the unstrung bow on his back. 

Chris blinked at him, then looked at Darkness. “Wait, you didn’t tell him?’

She colored, then shrugged slightly. “I…I did mention that those with specific bloodline abilities would be present, and that simple Luck would not be enough to win an archery contest against such, but, ah…he is determined.” 

“Oh. Huh. Well, good Luck to you, Kazuma. I guess we’ll talk later. Do keep an eye on marks for me, OK?” 

“Hold on,” Darkness said, and her hand shot out, wrapping around Chris’ forearms like a steel vice. “What, exactly, do you mean by a ‘mission from the gods.’” 

“I said a Mission From God, which is slightly different.”

“Do not try to distract me, Chris! Explain yourself,” Darkness ordered, her tone firm. 

“Youch! Ease up, ease up! Not all of us are made from adamantium!” Chris complained, and Darkness relaxed her grip slightly. “Ok, look, it’s like this. You know Eris is the Goddess of Fortune, right? Well, that is both Fair Fortune…and Thieves.”

“Chris! That’s Heresy!” Darkness gasped. 

“Ow! Relax, relax! No, it’s not! It’s just not something the main church likes to talk about. But, you see, Eris is tasked by Heaven itself with retrieving the Divine Relics that are scattered over this world. And, she sends a select few of her chosen Thieves out to do just that. I just so happen to be one of them.”

“I…” Darkness glanced at Kazuma. “I find that somewhat unlikely…”

“Then Explain THIS.” Chris produced a shining silver coin from seemingly nowhere, and held it up. Darkness snatched it up, peering at it, and Kazuma stood on his tiptoes to peer over her shoulder, even though she was hunched over Chris still. 

On one side of the coin was a seven-pointed star, inscribed with tiny writing Kazuma couldn’t make out from this angle. On the other was the face of Eris in relief, though one half of her face was shadowed, and the other lit. 

“This…this is a Sacred Relic,” Darkness said slowly, hefting the coin in the palm of her hand. “I can sense the Divine Magic within it. It carries the favor of Lady Eris, similar to a Crusader’s sword, or a Priest’s staff. But I’ve never seen the like before…”

“That’s because it’s one of a kind, bequeathed only to the Chosen Thieves of Lady Eris,” Chris said with a wink and a grin. “Now, can you let my arm go before you rip it out of the socket?”

“Ah, sorry!” Darkness said, and hastily released Chris, who now had a pronounced bruise on her bicep, which she grimaced and rubbed. 

“Sheesh, you really can play rough when you need to, huh? Well, now do you believe me? Come on, Darkness! I’m your best friend, you know I’d never lie to you!” 

“I…” Darkness bit her lip, and looked between Chris and Kazuma, then sighed. “...very well. If any of the nobles are hiding one of Lady Eris’ Divine relics and using them for nefarious purposes…that is indeed something that must be put to a stop, and swiftly.”

“Great! You two go, uh, register, and I’ll scope things out. And Darkness…there ARE nefarious nobles here. Don’t be afraid to do something nice for yourself for once, alright?” 

“Chris…” tears filled Darkness eyes for some reason, and she wrapped Chris in a bear hug.

“ACK! I need to breathe, Darkness!” Chris gasped, but she did return the hug once Darkness stopped crushing her, patting Darkness on the back. “Go get ‘em, girl. And remember, sex before marriage is only wrong if you don’t plan on getting married.”

“CHRIS!” Darkness gasped, but the thief was gone, vanishing between a pair of canvas tents. 

“Huh,” Kazuma said, cocking his head to one side. “That was odd, even for Chris. She usually like this when I’m not around?”

“Uh, she has cracked a bawdy joke from time to time, and she is, um, aware of my… predilections,” Darkness admitted. “But that bit about being a Divine Thief is…new. Though perhaps Lady Eris led her to me initially, as we are both affiliated with her church?”

“Or you’re both just fujoshi with weird fetishes,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

“What is…never mind. I hazard I can decern the meaning from context,” Darkness said, blushing again. “Come. Let us proceed to the task we actually came here for.”

The central tent had a long line of Adventurers waiting at the main entrance, but Darkness ignored it, heading to a smaller but more ornate tent that had several ladies in fancy dresses and knights in shining armor lounging at shaded tables around it. Kazuma immediately recognized that asshole Hahn sitting with the same female knight from before. He sneered at Darkness, while the woman nodded respectfully at her. 

“Here to make a fool of yourself in the joust, Dustiness? We all remember what happened three years ago!” Hahn called to her. 

Darkness gritted her teeth, putting a hand on Kazuma’s shoulder. “Ignore him, Kazuma.”

“But that bastard-”

“Kazuma. He is barely a noble. An unlanded knight from a destitute house. He can get away with ill manners, for he is poorlly bred. I, however, am a ducal heir. Unfortunately, while my family’s favor has waned of late due to my father’s illness I cannot afford to be seen as anything less than a model of my house. And you, as my retainer, must behave with similar decorum. Do you understand me?” 

“Wait, you’re a duke’s daughter?!” Kazuma gasped. “Aren’t they, like, uber nobles or something?”

“...I…yes. My house is one of the most important in the kingdom.”

“Well, I’m not going to stand for his insults! The only one who gets to talk dirty to you is me!” Kazuma huffed. 

“You need not worry, I think,” Darkness said, and nodded to the female knight, who had stood. 

“Sir Hahn! I tolerated your words yesturday, but I have warned you such uncoothness is unbecoming. Good day to you!” the woman stalked over, then bowed to Darkness and Kazuma. “Apologies, Lady Dustiness. Do not think me as ill mannered as that man. Please, may I show you inside? Baron Alderp will be gladdened you have chosen to participate in the tournament.”

“Thank you, Sir Lolierina,” Darkness said with a nod. “Please, take myself and my retainer, Master Sato, to see the Baron.”

“Of course,” the woman said, then hesitated. “And please…just Sir Herrman. Or Rina if you must. I, ah…my parents did not think I would become a knight when they named me such.”

A slow grin spread over Darkness' face as Kazuma barked out a laugh. Lolierina glared at him, but Darkness shook her head. “No, no, I feel much the same way about my own name. I prefer to go by Tina, or Darkness, when I am performing as an Adventurer.”

“Oh! But, I am merely a hedge knight, I would never dream of being so informal with one of your station!” 

“Her Ladyship is pretty chill most of the time, Rina,” Kazuma said with a grin. “Unless you call her by That Name. Then she’s liable to slap your head off.”

“Yes, those hideous sorts of names were rather in fashion 20 years ago, weren’t they,” Darkness said with a shake of her head. “I have long sworn I will never burden my own children with such horrendous appellations.”

“Quite,” Rina said, coloring slightly. She bowed again. “This way, my lady.” 

Inside the tent, there were long tables set with all sorts of exquisite food, from steaming whole hams, to trays of fresh fruits and vegetables, to entire platters of piping hot pastries. There was also an abundance of servants bustling about, and even more nobles in even fancier garb. Darkness actually stood out a bit in her armor, ornate as it was, as everyone else was in long dresses and puffy collars that looked both uncomfortable and impractical. 

Lounging at the highest table in the back was the Fat Bastard himself, Baron Alderp Alexei. His long yellow mustache was stained with grease, as was the napkin he wore about his neck in what even Kazuma knew was a breach of all propriety. Still, his clothes were very fine, and there were a variety of fawning hangers-on about him. Lolierina stepped forward, hand on her sword, and bowed to the baron. 

“My Lord, Lady Dustiness has arrived with the intent of registering for the tournament.” 

“Oh ho? So, my future bride wishes to show her quality for me?” Alderp chortled, which drew laughs and giggles from the court stooges. 

Darkness reddened, but this wasn’t her normal cutesy embarrassed blush. It was the flush of anger. “That contract has not been signed, Baron. Perhaps I am here to see if you are of a quality worthy of House Dustiness. Besides, I thought the contract was for your son, not you.”

Huh? Kazuma shot a look back and forth between Alderp and Darkness, and opened his mouth to say something choice, only for something to kick him in the shin. He was very nearly bowled over, but when he glanced at Darkness, her jaw was set. 

And for once in his life, Kazuma held his tongue. 

“Well, perhaps I’ve changed my mind,” Alderp said with a shrug. “My wife has passed away most tragically, and Walter is adopted, after all. Perhaps I wish for a son of my own blood. And you cannot say that I would be a poor match. I’m the richest man in the kingdom! Which would solve many of your…problems.”

“We shall see,” Darkness said, her tone mild, but her eyes sparkling with outrage. “But yes, I am here to enter myself and my retainer, Kazuma Sato, into the tourney.”

Alderp glanced at Kazuma, then his eyes narrowed. “You would have the very man who destroyed my own home enter my tournament? Crass.”

“He did so by accident, and in doing so, saved your barony and your people from destruction by the Mobile Fortress Destroyer,” Darkness said, her tone growing hot. “But I am not here to relitigate that point. Rather, I intend to show the quality of those who you claim as criminals by showcasing their abilities.” 

“Hmph. Very well. So, I take it you will be in the joust? Or is it the melee for you?” Alderp said with a sneer. 

Darkness hesitated, then shook her head. “No. Both myself and Master Sato will be participating in the Archery contest.”

Kazuma’s head whipped around so fast he got a crick in his neck. The only reason he did cry out in surprise is he was too shocked to speak. Darkness, in the ARCHERY contest!? The woman couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with her SWORD, let alone a bow and arrow!

“Oh really?” Alderp actually looked interested at that. He shrugged. “Well, so be it, though I hadn’t heard that the Dustiness family was famous for its archery abilities.”

There was a stir in the crowd, and several of Alderp’s retainers glanced at him sideways, then took to hushed whispers behind their hands. Alderp noticed and glared around at them. Darkness’ eyebrows had shot up, and her mouth had opened slightly in shock. She quickly shut it, and hastily said, “Well then, perhaps you would care to place a wager on my performance, Lord Alderp?”

Alderp tuned out the mutters, a predatory grin on his face. “Oh ho? Hmm, yes, I think I would. I tell you what, if you can beat my champion at the contest, then I will forgive a debt of your choice. However, if my champion proves superior to you, then you must sign a betrothal contract. Either with me…or with my son. My choice.”

“Appoint two champions. If myself and Kazuma both score better than they, you will forgive the orphanage their debts, as well as the debt surrounding the destruction of your mansion. If one bests Kazuma, then only the orphanage will be saved, and I will consent to marry Walter. But if both of us are beaten, then I will marry you. Pending my father’s approval, of course.”

“Oh, of course,” Alderp said, and he practically salivated as he looked Darkness up and down. 

Kazuma found himself stepping forward, and this time, Darkness did not kick him. 

“Hey, eyes to yourself! That contract ain’t signed yet, and I don’t like the way you’re looking at my lady!” Kazuma snapped. 

Alderp sneered at Kazuma, but shrugged. “Very well! I agree!”

“In the presence of these noble witnesses, I, Lalatina Ford Dustiness, Heir of Ignis Dustiness, do also agree,” Darkness stated. Wow. She must really mean it if she was willing to say her own name.

An old priestess in a tall funny hat and a fancy robe stood, and tapped her staff on the ground. “Witnessed, and affirmed, in the light of Lady Eris.”

The crowd broke into mutters, and Darkness nodded to Alderp, then spun on her heel and marched out. Kazuma hurried after her, waiting until Rina had pushed the tent flap aside for them. 

“Are you crazy!? I can definitely take first place, but you just basically agreed to marry Alderp’s son!” Kazuma hissed at Darkness. 

“I think you will find that it is your performance our success hinges on, Kazuma,” Darkness said with a wry smile. “A point, however. That was the appropriate time to step in and defend my honor, but when you speak to one such as Alderp, even as loathsome as he is, you must do it in the proper way.”

“Well, sorry I wasn’t educated at some fancy pants school!” Kazuma snapped, then paused. “Though, uh, for future reference…maybe you could tell me how I’m supposed to act? You know, so I can properly tell Alderp what a fat ugly goat fucker he is.”

“That is…hmm. Well, there are ways, I suppose, but, um, I am not well versed in them. But perhaps…well, if we win, then it will matter. Otherwise, I will have to marry Walter,” Darkness said with a shudder. 

“Yeah, fate worse than death, that one. I bet he’s a fat ugly bastard just like his dad, probably got pimples everywhere, even shorter than Megumin to boot,” Kazuma said, making a face.

“Uh, Kazuma…That is Walter Alexei there,” Darkness said, and nodded to one of the tables.

Kazuma turned to see a young man with short dark hair, flashing a smile and laughing with a pair of other young noblemen. His clothes were as fine as his father’s, but without the grease and rumples. He turned towards them, and there was practically a bishi sparkle as he glanced in their direction. Seeing Darkness, he stood, and gave her an elegant bow. The fucker was nearly two meters tall!

That?! THAT was what Kazuma was competing against!? Sweet Eris, Darkness might take a dive on purpose just to marry the pretty fucker! He looked like an otome game love interest!

Darkness returned the bow, then turned around and shuddered. “He is not my type. They say he has immaculate matterns, never even a cross word for a servant, is skilled with the sword, and has no vices whatsoever. He has even written me several poems! Ugh, I can’t stand the man. He’s too pretty, not even a ribald joke!”

“...Ok, now I know why you agreed to the archery thing. But come on, Darkness! What’s to stop me taking a dive so you have to marry him! Sheesh, I bet the girls are lining up across the block to flirt with him!” 

Indeed, there were several tables of attractive noblewomen and more than a few serving girls who were making doe eyes at Walter. And even a few of the men, he was just that pretty. Kazuma ground his teeth in frustration. How was he supposed to compete with that?!

“Kazuma, are you even listening to me?” Darkness demanded, and Kazuma turned and glared at her. 

“Oh, I’m listening, Sir Pervness! Well, see if I don’t throw the match and you have to marry Alderp!” 

“Ah. So you are not listening to me. Perhaps Chris was correct in her assessment of my taste in men,” Darkness sighed. “Kazuma…”

“I’m going back to the mansion! My mansion! Maybe I’ll take a bath,” Kazuma grumbled. 

“See that you get in some archery practice, Kazuma. I am counting on you. I would almost rather marry the father and the son. At least Alderp has a lecherous reputation,” Darkness said with a grimace. 

“Yeah whatever,” Kazuma grumbled. He stalked back to the mansion, where he proceeded to absolutely destroy a series of fruits he hung from ropes off a tree. Seriously, what was Darkness even THINKING!?

“Kazuma, Kazuma!” 

“WHAT?!” he snarled, and rounded on Megumin, who didn’t back down at his obvious temper. Yunyun, however, was already wilting. 

“I DEMAND THAT YOU PERFORM AS JUDGE FOR MY CONTEST! THEY SAY I NEED TO FIND A NEUTRAL ARBITER, AND YOU ARE THE BEST JUDGE OF EXPLOSION MAGIC, YOU JERK!” 

Slicking back his sweaty hair, Kazuma frowned at the two Crimson Demons. “Wait, you got the contest approved?”

“Yes! Yunyun has entered the ordinary, boring contest, and I have found a sponsor for my Crimson Concert of Desolation and Destruction!” Megumin declared, striking a dramatic pose. 

Kazuma couldn’t help but feel pity for her. She had the worst case of Chuunibyo he’d ever seen. Even worse than when Kazuma had renamed himself Dark Smoke Puncher and put on eyeshadow when he was 13. 

“Ok, first of all, the hell is with that name? Second, I can’t be a neutral judge. I’m your party member! No one would buy it if I gave you the win and denied everyone else. So you’re going to need an actually experienced archmage that everyone can agree would arbitrate the contest fairly. And also maybe give you some prizes so you actually get sign ups.”

“And where do you think I’m going to find a qualified archmage OR a sponsor on such short notice, O Enlightened One?!” Megumin demanded. 

Kazuma considered, then had a brilliant idea. “Come on, I know just who to talk to.”

The bell chimed as Kazuma opened the door to the shop, and a chipper voice called, “Welcome! We were just about to close, but- Oh! Hello, Kazuma! And Megumin and Yunyun! Oh, let me just get some tea on!”

“Hey Wiz,” Kazuma said, nodding to the busty lich as she scurried from behind the counter to put on a pot of tea. “We were actually here to ask a favor. And maybe do some promotion for your business.”

“What is this, Moi years? The young man who is as inaccurate in his affections as he is with his bow seeks to swindle this establishment?” Vanir demanded, the masked demon wearing his pink frilly apron sidled over, glaring at Kazuma. 

“It’s not you I want, it’s her,” Kazuma said, jerking a thumb at Wiz, who was humming to herself as she bustled about, preparing the tea along with some light snacks. 

“Pah, if you seek to wrench away what meager profits this pathetic fool of a shopkeeper manages to scrounge, Moi will drive you out immediately!” Vanir huffed, waving a broom in Kazuma’s direction. 

“We are in need of a qualified archmage to judge the Crimson Concert of Desolation and Destruction!” Megumin declared, planting her staff and putting on her eyepatch. “As such, we determined that there is but one archmage, aside from yours truly, who is qualified to judge such a contest! None other than the one once known as the Ice Witch, an Archmage who has herself mastered the art of Explosion Magic, Miss Wiz!” 

“Oh my, you really think I’m qualified to judge a contest?” Wiz asked, shaking out a tablecloth and smiling demurely. 

“Now listen here, Moi already must corral this foolish woman who turns money to sand often enough, this distraction is unneeded!” Vanir growled. 

“But she’s the only archmage in town qualified, and everyone knows Wiz is neutral!” Megumin argued. 

“Well, perhaps if you were to pay a slight fee for her services, Moi could be persuaded,” Vanir purred. 

“Vanir! It’s to help some friends! Besides, wouldn’t it be fun to see all the mages in town use their best spells?” Wiz asked. 

“Well, you see, it wouldn’t just be locals. And, you know, the real reason this shop struggles isn’t for lack of products-”

“Rather the lacking products,” Vanir muttered, but Kazuma ignored him. 

“-but because it’s a high level item shop in a low level town. But with the Tourney here, we’ve got a lot of nobles who aren’t locals. That means there actually ARE high level nobles and adventurers here who COULD buy all your magic items. And at a huge mark up. If Wiz’s Item Shoppe sponsors the, uh, Crimson Concert of Desolation and Destruction, say that five times fast, it would be a chance for free advertising. As for prizes, you could offer some of your stock that has been sitting around and gathering dust. That way, you move your product, and you attract more customers!”

“Oh, that sounds like a lovely idea! I’ve got a Crossbow of Whispers I’ve never been able to sell that will make a wonderful prize!” Wiz said with delight as she seated Yunyun and Megumin and poured them tea. 

Kazuma raised an eye at Vanir, who groaned. 

“Tis a crossbow that is enchanted so that if one tells it a message, any quarrel it fires will whisper that message to the recipient…once it has embedded itself in their flesh.”

“I’ve also got a Scroll of Cure Blindness!” Wiz said, pulling out a roll of parchment. 

“Let me guess: Cures Blindness when read?” Kazuma asked, and Vanir nodded, rubbing the bridge of his mask’s nose. “Super. Those sound great, Wiz.”

“I also have a Great Sword of Empathy!” Wiz babbled on, pulling out an ornate but dust covered blade. Its hilt was shaped like a heart, with a little smiley face engraved in it. “Whenever you strike your foe with this sword, it hits you just as hard!” 

Kazuma paused, then said, “Uh, actually, I’ll take that one. How much?”

Vanir opened his mouth, but Wiz interrupted him with, “It’s on sale for only 10,000 eris!” 

“Confound it, woman! He would have paid at least ten times that!” Vanri snarled as Kazuma eagerly handed over the money. 

“Vanir, we shouldn’t swindle friends! Now how about this Mantle of Awe?” Wiz said, holding up an incredibly tacky gold cloth mantle with very loud crimson embroidery around the edge. 

“And what’s that do?” Kazuma asked.

“Whenever you walk through a doorway, it summons a flock of doves, a fanfare plays, and a chorus sings! See?” Wiz flung the cloak about herself and hurried through the door to the back. Sure enough, trumpets blared, doves appeared out of nowhere, and a chorus sang a high note. 

“Yes, now come back,” Vanir said, folding his arms over his chest. “With the mantle.”

“Oh, um…” Meekly, Wiz tiptoed back into the main room, only for the exact same flock of doves to burst forth, the same trumpets sound, and the chorus to hit the exact same note. 

“My gods,” Megumin whispered. 

“It’s so tacky,” Yunyun groaned. 

“It’s BEAUTIFUL! THAT MUST BE FIRST PLACE PRIZE!” Megumin declared, jumping up on her chair and rattling the teacups so hard that hot liquid sloshed on her foot. She gave out a help and nearly fell, only for Yunyun to cry, “Feather fall!” 

Then Megumin still fell, but much more gracefully. 

“Fine, take the rubbish! But Moi demands that you secure a stand for this shop to peddle its wares to the new customer base, and clearly indicate that it has sponsored your little farce!” Vanir snapped. 

“Yeah, yeah, fine.” Kazuma said. “But can you wrap this? It’s, uh, a gift.”

“Oh ho?” Vanir siddled forward, a malicious gleam in his eyes. “So, the young man seeks to woo the perverse young maiden? Well, for a small fee, moi can-”

“Gift wrapping is provided free of charge,” Wiz declared, shooting a glare at Vanir before taking the greatsword, and quickly wrapping it in a bright package. 

“Confound it, woman! Every time profit appears before you, you find a way to merrily dismiss it!” Vanir said, shaking his fist. 

“Hey, you at least sold one item today,” Kazuma told him.

“Hmph. Well, if you ever find yourself in need of funds, young man, Moi would be interested in more of those items from another world. Those kotatsus were rather popular this past winter.”

“I’ll think about it,” Kazuma promised, then glanced at Megumin and Yunyun, who were having their little tea party with Wiz. “We all good here?”

“Yes, your idea had merit, Kazuma! My Crimson Concert of Desolation and Destruction will surely be a success now!” 

“Um, t-thank you, Kazuma.”

“Super. See you girls later. Don’t get caught by the guards,” Kazuma said, and headed out. But not back home. First he stopped by the bakery, picking up all their day-olds, which netted him enough bread to fill a large sack. With that and the wrapped sword on his back, he whistled to himself as he headed off to the orphanage. 

He was just to the fork in the road before the church when he heard the clopping of iron shod hooves. Growling, Kazuma stepped off the road. If it was that fucker Hahn again…

Indeed, a knight on a massive warhorse rounded the bend, coming out from behind some trees. In the twilight, Kazuma couldn’t be certain who it was at first, so he turned on his dark vision. “Wait, Darkness?”

“Kazuma? What are you doing here?” Darkness asked, pulling up on the reigns. She had on a pair of trousers, which Kazuma hadn’t seen her in before, along with that same odd chest piece, though she also had on a cloak with the hood pulled back. 

“Nothing. What are you doing here?” Kazuma said, trying to hide the sack and sword behind his back.

A slow smile spread over Darkness’ face, and she chuckled, shaking her head. “Worried about the orphans?”

“No. This package isn’t even for them!” Kazuma protested. 

“And the large sack?” 

“...well I’m mostly not worried because I already got them all the bread.”

“That will go well with the two wheels of cheeses I am bringing. I had Ivy and Holly clear out the pantry. We will not be entertaining a large party at the manor in the near future. Then I bundled them off to tend to my father. One way or another…things will be changing.”

That made Kazuma think of the pretty boy again, and left a sour taste in his mouth. “You know, I never asked what I got if I beat you.”

A look of amusement came over Darkness, and she actually giggled. “Kazuma, if you score more highly than I in the archery contest, I will fulfill any desire you wish.”

“Oh yeah? Even dressing up like a maid?” Kazuma said, his mind already racing. 

“Even…even that,” Darkness said, blushing prettily, and Kazuma grinned predatorily. “However…”

Oh, there it was…

“...if I beat you, you must accede to a desire of mine, Kazuma.”

“Giving you spankings and calling you a bad girl?” Kazuma said before he could stop himself. 

“T-that is not, um, n-no. You will attend etiquette lessons. And apply yourself to them.”

Etiquette lessons?! “Fine! But there’s no chance I lose to you. Heck, you’re gonna have to perform a freaking miracle, and I’ll have to win the whole damn contest for you not to marry Walter?”

“Oh, don’t worry, Kazuma. If you perform well, I shall not be saddled with that…man. Nor put up with his odious little father. I might wish for a rash and rude husband, but even I find Alderp too distasteful. For one thing, he shirks his duties and shows none of the noble generosity that is to characterize a lord’s relationship with his vassals.”

“You’ve got a lot of faith in me winning this contest for some reason. And that you won’t just miss the target entirely,” Kazuma said, his eyes narrowed. 

“This is…not the time to discuss this. Come, let us deliver supper to the orphans. Here, you can ride with me,” Darkness said, urging her mout forward and extending a hand to Kazuma. 

He took it, and she pulled him up into the saddle, and they rode in silence towards the orphanage, Kazuma behind Darkness. 

Though he did squeeze her boobs. She didn’t comment, only shivered and moaned a little. 

Sister Maria and the tykes were enthused to receive a back of half stale bread and two large wheels of cheese, but Darkness indicated they could not spend the night. “We have much to do ere the morrow comes. For this, both Kazuma and I require rest.”

“Don’t fret about it, Lady Dustiness. And thank you, Master Sato. Lady Eris smile upon you both,” the elderly nun said. 

They bid the orphans farewell, with Kazuma once more climbing up behind Darkness and molesting her slightly. 

“K-kazuma! Not where Sister Maria and the children can see!” she hissed at him as they rode off.

“What? Our backs are to them, and it’s dark. They can’t see nothin,” he said, giving another squeeze. 

“Y-you uncouth man. Are you so eager to convince me to spurn my house’s salvation?” Darkness gasped. 

Kazuma paused, his hand dropping. “What?”

“N-never mind. I…I am committed now,” Darkness said firmly. 

“Uh, if you say so. Hey, where are we going, anyway?”

“I, um, I was going back to your mansion…?”

“That’s fine, but only if you’re spending the night.”

“Kazuma…tonight…we need rest. A-and there is no one else at the manor, now.”

“Well, you know Aqua and Megumin will be at my mansion, so we’ll at least sort of be supervised. Though I don’t think those two really count.”

“Ah, no, no they do not. But very well. I have my gear in my saddlebag.”

Kazuma looked down and spotted what looked like a giant metal pole tied to the horse. It looked to be like 3 meters long, along with a saddlebag that seemed to contain clothes. “I thought you weren’t jousting.”

“You will see,” Darkness told him. Then she picked up his hand and put it back on her boob. “C-continue.”

She was quivering and moaning by the time they got to the mansion, and Kazuma was so stiff he was practically stabbing her in the back. But she hopped off the horse when they arrived, then held a hand up to him. 

Grumbling, he accepted it, as the horse was a giant cold-blood who was taller at the withers than Kazuma was. He landed in Darkness arms, clutching the wrapped package, and both of them blushed. 

“You know, this isn’t the sort of bridal carry I imagined,” Kazuma mumbled.

Darkness blushed, then gently lowered Kazuma. “Nor I, to be honest. Things do change….by the by, what is that thing you’ve been carrying?”

“Oh, uh, it’s a surprise. If you manage to beat one of Alderp’s champions, then you can have it.”

“Oh! Um, i-it is not too embarrassing, is it?” Darkness asked, peering at the package. 

“For you? Definitely. But you’ll love it anyway.” On impulse, he grabbed Darkness by the hair, making her squawk, and pulled her down before kissing her firmly on the lips. She once more stuck her tongue in his mouth, and they played hockey for a few minutes.

“Kazuma! There you are! Come on, my boss gave me extra bubbly for working so hard today, and I made a big pot of tuna-mayo-rice!” 

Kazuma and Darkness instantly broke apart, flushing in embarrassment, though Kazuma felt more than a little irritated at Aqua for killing the mood. “Gee, thanks! You ran off all day instead of helping Megumin!” 

Aqua shrugged. “That sounded boring. Blowing things up isn’t as much fun as making them!” Then she suddenly winked. “And make sure you two don’t use protection! It’s more fun that way, and I want cute babies to watch over when I go back to heaven!” 

Both Kazuma and Darkness went even redder at that, jaws hanging open as Aqua hummed to herself and skipped off.

“Kazuma…we need to discuss…ah, yours and Aqua’s history,” Darkness said into the silence. 

“Later. After you tell me what’s up with your family. After the tournament,” Kazuma sighed. “Come on, dinner and bed, I guess. I’m gonna have to bring my A game so you don’t end up with your handsome husbando.”

“And what if I think I already have?” Darkness asked, then kissed his cheek. 

Kazuma froze stiff, with Darkness striding up the stairs to the mansion. “Aqua! I shall have some bubbly, but only one glass, and dinner sounds excellent. Ah, Yunyun, Megumin, joining us as well? Come, Kazuma, we do not want to keep our companions waiting at table for us.”

Women, Kazuma decided, drove him crazy.