Work & Personal Update

C.W: Unsafe Kink Spaces, Harassment, Boundary Violations, DARVO, Psychological Pain, Feelings of Worthlessness.

Hey everyone, I wanted to give you an update on everything that's been going on with work and me personally.

The next video is already recorded and editing is coming along, but progress is painfully slow. Not only am I recovering from being back in the closet whilst in Kolkata, but this weekend I've been dealing with harassment where I spend my down time. The owner of a server I left because I didn't feel safe there due to the misogyny he enabled has decided that my silence isn't enough and that I need to be punished for telling him to "leave me the fuck alone" (the one and only thing I’ve said to him since leaving) after he tried to force an interaction upon me in another server. Keep in mind, I left his server stating very explicitly that I didn’t feel safe around him (so he knew how I felt) and told him to leave me alone all the way back in July. He turned up again this Friday, claiming this single incident to be evidence of "harassment", trying to cut me out of the main community I'm active in.

Thankfully the owners are fully on my side and one chased him off very quickly, but it spiked a lot of my PTSD due to how similar parts feel to 2019 in that me raising barriers to protect myself is being taken and presented as evidence of me being the aggressor. I was supposed to record that night but couldn't.

This hasn't gotten better when, on Sunday night/Monday morning, a number of his friends began coming after me in public outside the secure server. I do have my allies: the owner who chased him off even went through the process of compiling screenshots of the incident that initially made me feel unsafe on his server, the time he tried to force me to interact with him, and his recent attempts to demonise me for telling him not to talk with me, and has shared them to kill any sympathy anyone might have had for him in her server.

But it’s hard not to be afraid given my past experience of being abused.

I feel like, any moment now, someone’s going to point to something I’ve said out of context and go ‘wait a second?!’ and that’ll be it, the support I do have will abandon me or even worse, turn hostile. 

The entire incident has me feeling worthless, disposable, and it’s been hard to work through.

I have a constant migraine, like there’s nails inside my skull pointing inwards.

I’m having fractured sleep and nightmares relating to these fears. It’s a miracle that I managed to record Monday night, but in general, I’m just exhausted.

I know I stalled out last month with the anxiety of staying with my in-laws and being back in the closet last month, but I am trying to get back to work, I just don’t know how long it’ll take.