SpanishRed

Dealing with Heartbreak is Easy

Dealing with heartbreak is as easy as walking on Saturn’s rings. You wake up at 2 am with dust in your eyes and a wad of straw in your throat swearing that this day—this godawful day—you’ll reach sunrise before excavating your heart and swallowing it whole. Lord knows you’ve done it a thousand times before, so you get up. You fake sanity. You put on the face that says, “I’ve never experienced suffering. I'm just another ordinary human earning cash for rent.”

Dealing...

I Tried to Get Only Fans Spam

Only Fans models are spammy. That’s what they say. In fact, dudebros receive approximately a million times more spam than they send to women’s inboxes asking if we wanna fuck. I decided to find out what this spam was like for myself, so I turned my much-abused affiliate profile into a man with a stock photo and everything. Here’s how it went.

Day One: Strew my love around like glitter. Received no spam.

Day Two: Strew my love around like glitter. Received no spam.

Day ...

I feel grateful that my home country has a different kind of power—the sort that changes lives instead of ending them.

My country has one of the most evolved constitutions in the world. It was written to make sure the horrors of apartheid could never happen again, no matter what future presidents might attempt. We are The Rainbow Nation, and diversity is sacrosanct. That’s because Mandela and Desmond Tutu responded to the apartheid era through a lens of forgiveness and human dignity, not military might.

Our constitution didn’t put us in the position to win wars with foreign countries.

It put u...

Hope

The Dudebro Drinking Game

Every time a dudebro accuses The Females of being irrational and emotional while simultaneously SHOUTING IN CAPITALS AND SCREACHING EMOTIONALLY, drink one shot of tequila.

 IF THAT SAME DUDEBRO GETS BLOCKED AND COMES BACK FROM A TOTALLY UNEMOTIONAL SOCK PUPPET, break the tequila bottle over his head.

 Each time a dudebro uses a typo, drink.

 Yes, I mean every time.

 EVIN WHEN THE TYPO...

So You Want to Keep Politics off Fetlife

When I first found the kink scene, I thought about politics once every four years during voting season. Hell, I didn’t even call myself a feminist. Fetlife is one of the most politically charged communities on the internet, so it turned me into a wholly different person. If kink were water, politics would be the cup of dye that turns the ocean red. That hue gets into everything. That’s why Jack Sprat keeps asking us to keep politics off of Fetlife.

Every time someone develops a BBC ...

More on Privilege

Sometimes Loneliness Makes You Scary

George is a hulking pooch who loves rough-and-tumble play. He’s big enough to kill you and unpredictable enough to suggest he might do exactly that, so most of the volunteers do little more than walk him. George has been at the shelter since he was a pup. He’s too scary to adopt, and that’s true of all our “long stayers”: People are scared of them.

In recent weeks, a few of the volunteers have created a cuddle crew. We noticed that walks were the only human contact these dogs ...

Contraception

The Pearly Gate to BDSM Wisdom

I joined Fetlife at around the four-million-member mark. Everywhere I looked, there were kinky people who knew all the intricacies of BDSM. I thought that, within a few years, I would be the same. I’d be able to explain the difference between SSC and RACK. I’d know how to submit, who to trust, and how to remain unharmed. When 2019 arrived, I would be That Person Who Knew Everything About Kink.

2019 arrived, and I didn’t know much more than I did in 2015. Sure, I knew ...

If you believe your sub is weaker than you, you probably don’t understand them well enough to dominate them at all.

You never knew what you’d get when S came home. He’d spend many hours thinking up new ways to torture me, so I never knew what I’d get that night. I only knew it would be interesting. E came later. He probably had ideas, too, but damned if he was going to share them. He had enough guilt to train a convent, so if he wanted something out of me, it would come out as a whisper or not at all. For us, BDSM meant playing out the same damned kinks every time, preferably in the same order. It fe...

New Writer's Workshop with One-on-One Coaching

I've created a new writer's workshop on Fet. Yesterday I suggested two options: A feedback-driven workshop to wrestle with the practicalities of writing, or an inspiration-focused group with creative exercises. I’ve decided to combine both of those experiences. You’ll be able to choose which exercises you do, which writings you post, and how quickly you work through them.

Feedback will be the thrust of our work. We will learn by doing. The format will be stretchy. You can turn it in...

Confucius say if you want to get laid on Fetlife, you have to be just fine with not getting laid on Fetlife.

Fetlife is divided into two kinds of men:

• Those who understand women.

• Those who do not.

Jack is one of the latter. He belongs to “Fuck or Pass” groups. He has an album full of cock shots. He spends much of his time loving smut pictures. He writes the kind of DMs he’d like to receive:

Single male looking for spanko in South Florida. I like fishing and camping. I work as a lawyer and live in a little white house made of candyf...

2024-07-11 09:02:23 +0000 UTC View Post

Advising Rape Survivors to Go to the Police

Anatomy of a Rape Apology

After he raped me, R turned up outside my house night after night to insist I hear his apology. If I wasn't going to listen of my own volition, he'd just turn up the next day and wait. And wait. And wait because steamrolling over my consent was nothing like steamrolling over my consent by raping me. </sarcasm>

When he was at work, he called me instead. While I was struggling with deadlines under the trauma of sexual violence and doctors' visits, he was jamming up my ...

You Don’t Get a Say in How Others Play

Yesterday, a couple informed me that people who engage in pick-up play and opt-in negotiations don't belong in the kink scene.

The Cape Town scene can be rather flighty. H flogs at least a thousand subs a night, and F has a veritable queue of people waiting for fire play. S teaches people about sharps, so she has many single-serving play partners, too. C and N are married and poly. They have serious relationships and casual relationships.

Me? Well, I’m just there to meet my frie...

I Don't Believe in Miracles

How To Negotiate a Scene in One Minute Flat

Meet June. She's allergic to everything: Nuts, fish, lactose, eggs, seeds, soy, and approximately a million other things. When she goes to a restaurant, she sends her five-page list of allergens to the chef to get a recommendation of what to eat. Then the chef sends back some suggestions and June sends back a bunch of noes and the waiter runs back and forth getting very, very tired.

Meet Jessica. She’s also allergic to everything, but she has a different strategy. She knows a few dish...

Privilege

It's Just the Internet

Don’t take Fetlife seriously. It's just the internet. All the friends you make there are made from pixels. It’s true. Just the other day, I had a Fetlife member over for dinner, and she didn’t really say that my alfredo was phenomenal because I met her here, and on this site, we’re all made out of ones and zeros. Ever try cooking for a zero? Exactly.

I know, I know, I’ve been to quite a few of the kink events that were advertised on this site. I even...

City Streets Don't Teach You How to Climb Mountains: A Note About Rape Culture

Two days ago, I wrote a note asking for advice for a friend’s daughter. She’s looking for accommodation in Amsterdam and has found a room in a man’s house. In that post, I wrote:

She has a bad gut feeling about this.

A male Fetlifian was offended by the very idea of a woman having a gut feeling about a potential predator. He wrote me a long essay explaining that he doesn’t have to fear violence, so women are overreacting. In the same breath, he was...

How to Talk to Someone with Clinical Depression

When you’re depressed, doctors will tell you to talk about it. Being mirrored by another human is one of the most effective ways to speed up your recovery. The trouble is that few people know how to talk to depressed people. I have advice, so welcome to my Ted Talk. Please turn off your phones.

Don’t assume they want solutions from you.

Being depressed doesn’t annihilate your life skills. Depression patients are usually more knowledgeable about coping with mood...

After I Die from Ebola

Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor. She wrote up a pathology form for a mammogram, which I took home and stashed on top of the five other unfulfilled mammogram requests she’s written for me in the past year.

It’s not that I’m an irresponsible patient. I get annual pap smears, have the right insurance, and do my EEGs as ordered. I face the risks of my medical condition like Dirty Harry because you’ve got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ...

My Supercalifragilistic List of Potential Definitions for a “No-Limits Sub”

• A guaranteed consent violation waiting to happen.

• Self-Destruct by Dominant: A super fun hobby until you realise it destroys your dominant, too.

• What perfectly rational people become when subfrenzy turns them into tweakers.

• An impending criminal charge for senseless dominants.

• Instant breakup material.

• A person who has limits but is only willing to tell you what they are after you’ve violated them and reduced...

  2024-07-01 10:58:43 +0000 UTC View Post

I Once Met a Belt I Didn't Like

Belts are my favourite kink toy for I am Spanish Red Butt, mother to a repurposed wooden spoon, sister to a box of glitter, and I will have my bratty ways in this life or the next. I’ve never met a piece of leather I didn’t love… except one. I was getting to know a new play partner at the time, and rope was his favourite kink toy. I wasn’t into rope. I’d never tried it, but I didn’t like it anyway. Still, visiting B without experiencing his rope is like visiting The Kruger ...

The Trouble with Polite Predators

I received a polite letter the other day:

How’re you doing? … I spent most of the week blissfully happy, thinking of you wishing you were here.

There is no aggression here, so there’s nothing awry … other than the fact that I don’t know this man. I blocked him in 2023 after an endless flurry of bizarre letters. We were never friends, and he’s been apologising for writing apologetic messages ever since:

&...

Things I've Learned About Chronic Illness

- When you’re too tired to finish today, you can usually do this hour. When you can’t do this hour, you can usually do this second. When you can’t do this second, it’s time to ask for help.

- The things you know about your body are some of the most important conduits to effective medical care. They are the one data point that your doctors lack, so sharing your opinions and intuition matters.

- Nobody has the strength to handle everything about chronic illness...

I’ve never been good at being. I’m always too busy hiding.

I’ve never been good at being. I’m always too busy hiding. My father abandoned me at five. My mother abandoned me every day after that, so I developed a belief that there was something inherently wrong with me. I’m always trying to be less “me,” and so I spend most of my life shrinking into a tiny ball as though I can render myself invisible.

When I’m going through a bad patch, my therapist always reminds me of my assets and talents as though you can fight a sel...

The Relationship Roundabout

H was a jack in the box: in, out, here, gone, here. He wanted me infinitely … until he didn’t. We had magic and fairy dust and every other enchantment you can wish for in a relationship. If our connection was perfect, surely more would be better, so we got engaged. What else are you supposed to do when you find your own personal fairy tale?

Within weeks, he said, “If I ever want to get married, it will be to you…

… but I don’t want to get marr...

Politeness and Predators

I’m not the world’s worst judge of character. I’m always stepping onto human landmines having known all along that they were going to throw up shrapnel eventually. I doubt my own interpretations no matter how much evidence there is that someone is dangerous.

I ignore red flags because I think that acknowledging them is paranoid.

I ignore my fear because I don’t trust my instincts.

I ignore my good sense because I think it’s irrational to think someone ...