endlessjess

SKIODO!

The Evil Resident himself, sometimes known as The Silly Man, returns for more cool stupidity. Where did i go? Off The Rails. Where am I going? A padded Cell. Where does it end? The same place it began. It goes on on and on, Heaven and Hell. 

This time i'm blowing the lid off a closely guarded personal mantra and magic word of power that has dragged my miserable carcass through the lowest of lows and been shouted to the Heavens like a challenge to God in my highest of highs.  2022-09-30 21:21:47 +0000 UTC View Post

A little bit of The Good Life

As a personal hero of mine, the guy who says "time to relax" on that Offspring album once famously said, it's time to relax. Kick off your shoes, take it easy, and enjoy The Good Life. Not your actual life, we all know that isn't good or else you wouldn't be here, you'd be off enjoying some juicy and delicious steak in a better part of the simulation. I'm talking about the simulation within the simulation known as The Good Life, which is a video game on X-Box. X-Box is what we have here inste...

My PLUME.

Alright what the hell, here's one more cool video before i allow myself my one night a month of decompression, and then revert back to the mentally insane grindset that is slowly killing me. There's a whole new month ahead of pacing my padded cell and smearing da vinci code stuff on the walls in blood.

This is too much content. What have I done? The Jess bombs have become too powerful. I'm surging with gamma and about to implode like a reverse Hulk. Next month i'm changing things up aro...

An UnaVOIDable Tragedy

It was the perfect crime... perfectly bad. The consequences... also bad. It wasn't supposed to be this way but sometimes life throws surprises. Sometimes you have to kill a couple men. Sometimes those men turn into ticking time bombs that you have to dispose of.

Sometimes they float a few miles down the river. Soemtimes you have to haul them one at a time across the entire world, and sometimes it takes 4 hours to do so. Sometimes you go back to edit that footage a few years later which ...

Ancient Dark Souls - Mustard and Malice

He's gonna take you back to the past, to play dark souls and fall on his ass. Can you believe those rat-bastard goblins out there in the people-city put mustard on my chili dog? Mustard. On a chili dog. Despicable. If Sonic were here he'd blast process through you like a blazing bullet of vengeance with the fire bubble power-up from Sonic 3. But i ain't talking about Sonic 3. I'm talking about Dark Souls 1, and people who don't know how to make chili dogs right. 

You wanna see a ma...

Fire-Watching and Sad Backstory Simulator

Believe it or not i don't hate all walking simulators, just the crappily written, pretentious ones, which happens to be most of them. I know for a fact i've played good ones but it's always the annoying crappy ones that get all the praise. Does Firewatch fit into that craptastic category for me? Umm... yeah kinda, i mean pretty much, not like it's terrible or nothing but uh... ya know?

You can tell what kind of game this is right away. The game doesn't even bother to start before immedi...

AAAYYYY-DRian!

Here it is, world. Here's my vote for most annoying video game boss in the last 500 years. This big fat gelatinous bullet sponge that soaks up damage forever, one shots, and repeatedly yells out the same ONE nonsensical voice line with every. single. attack. 

AAAAAYYYY-dRian! AYYYYYY-dRian! AAYYYYYY-dRian! 

What does it even goddamn mean? There's a part of my brain that wants to connect it to Rocky, but the game already had one elaborate Rocky reference and this one make...

My Sounds Have Taken Over My Body

Greetings, traveller. I am The Man of Many Sounds and this is my loyal mutt, Rowsboy Woof, the smelliest, mangiest, dirtiest, dumbest, dogginist damn dog that ever dogged around in the dirt. My power is greater than you could ever imagine, and every day my disappointment in this crap-tastic canine grows, further fueling the rage that manifests as strange inhuman sounds flowing freely from my cackling bloodthirsty body-face.

Can the intrepid Woofer ever make me proud? It's gonna take gri...

Helliest Shit I've Ever Seen

I'm serious, this one is fucking demented, insane, straight up psychotic. I love it because i am also those things, but i can not in good conscience recommend it to any but the most hardcore of buff movie buffs, zinema connoisseurs and sleaze-ianados. Stuff like this is an acquired taste, you gotta know what a crumpet is before you can cricket, and you gotta know your anthropophaguses from your cannibal holocausts before your feeble human grey matter can even withstand something as...

Spelunking some SNES obscurities.

The Super Nintendo has one of the best libraries in the history of gaming. A decent number of those masterpieces is on switch, but so are a bunch of weird bullshit games that nobody ever heard of. So of course those were the ones i decided to play because my brain is diseased. 

This adventure in gaming features such buried treasures and buried turds ass...

Jelly Boy - a fucking disgusting fever dream where a gooey little cancer blob runs around naked and pukes his belly at ev...

Nasty Boy Reviews Janet

Damn it, Janet, it's Groovy Tunes time again. The world's most random and insipid music review show, by the man with the world's most eclectic palette. This time it's Janet Jacksons classic 80s bangable banger bonanza, Control.  

That's right. It's a review. A regular music review about the regular funky music and nothing else. No weird detours here. Nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever. Just a good old fashioned review that stays on topic because the purpose of a review is to he...

The Con-flabbed Conjuring 3, yippee.

The scary spooky bullshit quest to catalogue these crappy James Wan movies for no reason lurches along like a deteriorating husk. 149 movies down, 11,027 to go. The worst thing about subjecting myself to this trash is that at this point i've accidentally become semi-invested in this dumb universe. Not in the sense that i care what happens to the characters, just that i know who they are and that's more knowledge than i needed or wanted. 

I can't tell if this is the least bad one or...

Cursed, too funny summerslam review

As usual i'm incapable of just talking about wrestling like a normal person and have produced yet another mentally insane babbling tirade that would make all 3 animaniacs combined seem dry and professional. Depending on how wrong you are i may have gone too far in a few dozen places throughout this one. Its the endless curse of tha coolest guy, i can't be boring no matter how hard i try. 

If you ask me, and you should because i know all, i haven't gone too far enough. I won't stop ...

The Legendary Live Action Panel-Cast

I know what you people want, what you need. You wanna see my stupid cool face and manly body. For some reason that feels like the real shit, the good stuff, premium grade fun-fuel. Let's plays and podcasts might cut it or a while but sooner or later you fine people get the urge to bask in my inhumanly charismatic camera presence. I have a Spidey-sense about these things, i can tell when it's time to remind people that i am in fact still alive, and haven't yet been replaced by an algorithm.&nb...

Visage 6, a pile of dix

Visage. 

Fucking Visage. 

Of course it had to be fucking... dogshit visage. 

In this episode Floozy finally fucking loses it over a glitched out room that won't do what it's goddamn supposed to. I, on the other hand have dissociated into a sort of zen state to mentally overcome this evil game and can no longer be phased by it's mischief and cruelty.

I swear, if we all survive this series to the end your eventually going to see the most scathing scary spo...

Hundred years ago dark souls part 2

Continuing on with our documentary series about primordial life, in this recently discovered archival footage we are shown how primitive man would present his female companion with a "video game", an ancient ritual of some significance.

Something something god i'm sick of typing. Fuckin hell. When can i rest? Will there ever be peace in my time? Can any of us escape the call to productivity? The need for capital? It's killing me i tells ya, it's killin us all. 

But enough abo...

The other sekiro

Here's where my Sekiro journey ended. Pitifully, as does a sad squeaker of a fart that you thought was gonna be huge and blow everyone away. As you can see it was this battle with the big fat man that made me realize i don't care for this game enough to git gud, so i didn't. 

Will i ever return to it? Well that sounds like a question for my hit forgotten series, Will I Beat It? Which may return at some point in the near future, who knows? Me, that's who. I know. I know all my secre...

Cat's Eye - a Scary Spooky Classic

I randomly remembered this movie the other day and had to watch it to make sure it's as good as i remembered it being, and hell yeah it is. I fucking love this flick. 

This is an often overlooked classic from Stephen King's cocaine and booze era about a very, very good kitty who travels through a whole ass anthology film to rescue drew barrymore from a child-molesting wall goblin. Along the way our feline friend also helps James Woods with his smoking problem, and turns the tables ...

The Side Mission From Hell

This will be a series of pain, a torture-train on a terror track toward triple-hell. I'm calling it the side mission from hell but in truth the actual mission is only the beginning. If you were cursed enough to witness this unfortunate series of a blunders when it streamed a couple years ago, you may vaguely remember the trials ahead. That is if you haven't blocked them out, in which case I'm sorry to have to remind you of what i went through on that terrible night. 

I should prefa...

Ancient Sekiro stream

Oh look, another lost and forgotten blue glow dragged out into the modern day like a primitive cave hag chained to a doghouse outside the museum of natural his-tory, or something. 

This was recorded sometime in 2019, edited into the blue glow format and uploaded sometime in 2020, and then forgotten about. I must have had some overflow and it slipped through the cracks, which tends to happen from time to time when you're the most relentlessly powerful creative force on the planet.&n...

Remember The Last Guardian?

He's the last one, you know. Or so they say. I wouldn't really know because i will never beat this game. 

I posted part 1 of this series maybe 17 years ago or something and just remembered there's more of it. I must have repressed all memory of this fetid piece to protect myself. 

Now that i'm watching this again i'm remembering how infuriating this game is and it's making me want to not play all over and forget about it a second time. So i will do precisely that, i just...

Groovy Tunes: Hurley

eeeeeeeeee hee heee

Me doesnt just play video games somtimes i play muzik in my car, and then i go home and talk to myself about it, and you can listen. 

Goddamnit that's enough. Enough is enough and it's time for a change. I'm gonna rip some fucking shit i swear. No more goddamn bullshit. Fucking Hell. Here's a video about Weezer, everyone's favorite band. I'm having a mental collapse and changing my whole life from the inside out. It's time to kick ass and throw people into...