endlessjess

Tummy Guts and Runny Butts

Gawrsh, can you believe it’s been 2 whole months since you’ve seen me play games badly or heard me complain about Wendy’s?

That’s because i’ve been far away from the old computer station. I had to drive 1200 miles with a broken back so i could boogie down at a wedding, film a movie with La Rudester, watch anime with my mom, and re-immurse myself in the culture of my people, white trash michigan hood punks.

I’m still here because i messed my back up even worse doing kar...

Sony Vegas Rant (Also Hades)

First of all, screw this game for being both really really good and endless. This must be a taste of the resentment others have for me. This stupid game is so crap-sucking excellent, there goes all my free time. I've been playing this fucker all week and it's cool as hell. 

Perhaps this excites you, seeing me play a good game. But this is no mere lets play, it's only that for the first two minutes. The rest is an acrimonious tirade against my hated enemy, Sony Vegas. Why? ...

Star Whore: Falling Dead Guy

Upon uploading the previous post, the video of that awful disney game, i realized today is May 4, a fake holiday where Disney bots all post hashtag star wars stuff and say "May The 4th Be With You". That's it, the whole thing is just that one crappy pun. 

It's time to face the music. Nobody likes or cares about Star Wars anymore. We can't. It's impossible. It's gone from a niche franchise you could reference for nerd cred into a conglomeration of crap so normie-fied even normies fi...

This Horrible Disney Game

Sadly, i can not afford to go to Disney World and film a funny video of me running around hanging out with Eeyore and hitting on Pocahontas, what with the economy and all. But that's okay. Because we have the next best thing. This.... video game. This rather shit video game. 

Look I said it was the next best thing, not that it was a good thing. This is... i guess.. some kind of Disney park simulator. You make your little boy or girl and then you run around lost, i...

Scary Spooky - Annabelle Creation

Oh God, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm doing the annabelle movies now. Believe it or not, Annabelle Creation is actually considered the good one in the series, as in a big improvement over the original Annabelle. But i foolishly went canon-chronological and watched Creation first so it's all downhill from here. 

Does anyone actually care how annabelle was created? The answer is no, of course not, but they answered it anyway. So now i have to watch it and tell you about...

Buff Movie Buffs watch Street Fighter

Link for clicking cause bitchute never embeds right: https://www.bitchute.com/video/CqWEojUgwhTu/

These movie riffs with my Buff Movie Brother, The Cine-Masochist are among my favorite videos to make, and my least favorite to upload, because they're nearly completely fucking post-able. Youtube has it's copyright stuff and every other useless ass video platform has it's asinine size limits. I had to rend...

Revolution Part 2

Not about to make you all wait a month for part 2, also i'm gonna be away later this month so you're getting your Jess Bomb early. Hope you're twisted enough to withstand having a catapult of content launched at your face so soon after the last one. 

If you all survive it, i might just permanently move these to the beginning of the month. I'll certainly enjoy not having to think about it later on while i'm busy wearing fancy shoes and doing cowboy shit at grown up...

La(m)e

This game is called Lake, but you see, if you replace the K with an M, you'll have a very clear picture of my feelings toward it. This is one for the special category i like to call "Failed Glows". Games so terrible they sap me of all my life-force like a fun-vampire and force a tactical retreat within minutes.  Games i don't even rage quit so much as desperately limp or crawl away from like the victim of a violent crime. 

Just look at that thumbnail. Read the caption. "Hi Ste...

Scary Spooky James Wan Crap: Malignant

Here's a quick return to Scary Spooky Bullshit Land. In this one i continue diving or perhaps a better word would be spiraling down into the dark abyss of the James Wan directorial catalogue. Today this spooky spelunker has come up with some treasure. By which i mean this one's actually good. 

big poop. big fat poop. big fat poopy crap. crappy poop. poopy crap. crappy poopy crappy crap. 

Oh sorry i just decided to get insipid for a moment. Oh hey, that would be a good na...

Game so bad i ain't even horny.

This is one of those games you see on the sale and you're like "heh heh sexy girlz funnee hornee game" and then you actually play it and realize the only stiffy here is gonna be you, stiff as a bored cuz you're bored. 

Well i mean, bored playing it. Hopefully not bored watching me play it. I'm cool, it's just the game that isn't, but at least it's uncool in a way that gets me playing about it and making talky noises so you could say it's cool in a roundabout way. 

Spyro Good Shrek Bad.

Fuck Shrek. Fuckin fat green piece of shit. Smelly fucking piece of shit. Stinking goddamn douchebag. I hate him and his whole franchise, and i hate his stink-ass donkey friend, and his fat wife, and his ugly face and his green ass, and his stupid fairytale land bullshit. 

Spyro on the other hand is cool, there's a kid who knows where it's at. Burnin sheeps, killing guys, gliding, he's got all your bases covered with rad activities. A fuckin dragon. A fuckin gnarly purple dragon wh...

Monster Rancher - The Ballad of Rowsby Woof

The Monster Rancher series is one of the unsung heroes of gaming and always should have been a bigger deal than it was. Monster Rancher 2 was one of my favorite games back in the day so i'm hype af to revisit it, but first i gotta play some Monster Rancher 1, cause i never played that one. 

Let me introduce you all to my new partner in crime, the mangiest smelliest and dumbest of man's best friends, the loveable and tenacious Rowsby Woof. Named after the moronic mutt from Richard A...

Number 1 Batman Fan, Master Chief

This is technically "The Blue Glow: Halo Infinite Part 2", but it's also an impromptu Panel-Cast: Movie Edition / Review / Not A Review / Cursed Wendy's Spokesman Audition. What I'm saying is i talk about the new Bat-movie while that giant nerd Master Chief tries to be The Batman with a grapple hook he got in a cereal box.

Spoiler, it kicked ass. I also shit on Gotham, which merely is ass. All while the game takes its sweet time letting me go outside to flip warthogs.<...

Razor Ramon Tribute

https://www.bitchute.com/video/9DBwGMDXKUpF/

This one's pretty self-explanatory i should think. I'm sayin goodbye to the bad guy, exactly the way god intended, sitting in front of youtube at 4 in the morning in my underpants watching old interviews and matches and commentating to myself about how cool he is. If you didn't know, the answer is "very". I also would accept "totally", and "mondo".

I kn...

AEW Revolution (Part 1)

It's AEW ppv time again, i think, here's what i thought of the last one. That's right, i'm catching up. I've gone from 6 months behind on this show up to just 2 months behind. If i ever tame the madness in my mind that compels me to put visuals in a podcast i might be able to catch up completely sometime this century. 

What am i yelling at Tony Khan about this time? You'll just have to listen to find out, but suffice to say, he done pissed me off again. Everything else on the show ...

ULTRA OFF ROAD (also Kirby)

That's right, it's 2 horrible games in one. And yes, one of them is a kirby. it sounds impossible i know but the fabled bad kirby game has finally been found, and of course it was found by me. I'll never be safe from weird, shitty games and neither will anyone else as long as i have anything to say about it. If i have to play em, you have to watch em. Whats that, i dont have to play em? Oh yeah.

In all fairness its not unplayably bad, its a free game and it does function, it does featur...

Visage continues to haunt me.

Oh God. Visage has boss fights. Or at least a boss fight, of a sort. It's exactly as nightmarish as you've come to expect from this deadly game of evil. 

Fuck. Fucking ViSaGE. Goddamn crapping fucking asshoel jangly ass broke legs motherfucker coming up on me lurking around clompin jangling his stupid crutch getting on me killing me seeing me looking at me get after me coming after me coming all stupid looking limping and shuffling around yelling about dwayne this and dway...

Halo Infinite

Hey look, my QT gamer gurl / co-parent to my cat got an X-box, which means i also have one, cause i'm the one with the TV. Now with the X-Bone's library at my fingertips, my powers have increased, and i've reached a new plateau of gaming yet again. That's not even the best part, let me tell you about my cleverest scheme yet. It all starts with the "game pass".

Microsoft, as you may expect, has an overpriced cloud gaming service which, fools that they are, they believed they could entice...

Spyro Reignited Trilogy

Wait, one person who already clicked like on this within the first minute, i haven't even finished writing the text post yet. How can you know you like it if you haven't seen the 

T E X T  P O S T?

Umm... well. Actually what is there to even say? It's Spyro baby. I'm playing it. It's a good game. Everybody knows. Everybody loves that adorable little scamp. He's purple. He glides. He shoots fire. What's not to love. 

Actually you know what, i don't wanna say sh...

NMH 3 Part 3

More rapping in this one, along with more... i don't actually know. I rendered this weeks ago and can't remember what i said in it. So i'm watching it along with you right now and describing it real time. 

Okay i'm complaining about the switch controller. Valid. 

Now I'm playing with Jean. 

Rapping... hey i was right about that. See, i remember some things. 

Oh god this rap is demented. 

God i'm so dope oh god im too ill im a danger to ea...

Full GEar Par 2

The epic conclusion to my babbling tirade about a 5 month old wrestling show. In this one i talk about the Punker and The Hanger. Now i have to get to work on Revolution. There's a cat on my head and i must poop. 

I imagine people have been wanting me to go in depth about Punk's return and you definitely get that here. I talked about Punk a lot and even what's here is significantly whittled down from  the tangent spawning whirlwind the topic inspires in me. 

Hangman...