endlessjess

Agent Of Chaos

Ah, another peaceful month being a normal person affiliated with no one. It's a beautiful day out here in Regular-ville USA, with nothing weird or stupid going on at all. It sure would be a shame if some agent provocateur were to shock the system by throwing a wrench into the gears of society.

This skit was originally filmed for a small, independent video zine that I became a friend and contributor to sometime in my recent years casting aside...

I'm too stupid for this awful game

Apparently this is considered a good game according to reviews. This shocked and horrified me because playing it I could have just as easily assumed it to be some janky, eternally unfinished 99 cent steam game that youtubers play as a joke. Oh i played it all right, and it's a joke all right, but i ain't laughin. Except for the parts where i do. 

Never mind, it's probably fine, but i was having more fun hating it so that's my opinion. I'm not here to be fair-minded, only fair of sk...

Finally Beating The Witcher 3

Oh Christ I got embroiled in an argument about steak fajitas all day and almost forgot to post my silly gamer stuff, without which I couldn't afford steak fajitas in the first place. Life is ironic. If that's not the correct way to use ironic don't worry, I don't care. 

Despite being the technical end of the game, i doubt this will be the last you see of this play through. For one thing there's still DLCs to do, and besides that I still have a shitload of lets plays recorded fo...

Scary Spooky Leftovers

Hey look what i found! Not just one but FOUR Scary spooky bullshit videos that i didn't get a chance to post back in October. Must have ran out of Halloween, what a terrible shame. Good thing January doesn't have anything interesting of it's own going on, outside of the usual crumbling of America, that is. 

Now granted, these leftover videos aren't exactly masterpieces. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't post them at all if i didn't at least find them entertaining. I'd throw them in th...

Attack of The Poopy Butt Slimes (Resident Evil VII - Part 4)

Here's the last of The Resident Evil 7 highlights, or maybe lowlights, unless i ever go back to it, which i will not because I don't like it. It's full of poopy guys, and also guys made of poop, it's like come on pick a lane, have one or the other. Now Conker's Bad Fur Day on the other hand, there's a game that did it right. The perfect balance between poopy guys (0), and guys made of poop (1).

What does smelly old Resident Evil VII have to offer in comparison? A trophy that says Master...

Jess Vs. Food 3: Kroger Mcdonald

You might wanna turn the volume down a bit before clicking on this one. 

Here's episode 3 of my horrible adventures trying to find sustenance in the concrete jungle of Man's hectic world. Let's hope to God this ends here and remains a trilogy because i shudder to think what happens if my insane babbling lunacy becomes any more powerful/pissed off. I'm like the Hulk, except legally distinct because i don't get angry, i get pissed off, which is totally different. 

Attempti...

Low Effort Skit Show

Here's by far my favorite thing i've done this year, The Low Effort Skit Show. A very, very dumb collection of haphazard silliness from the Flint Rat Gang, which i like to consider myself a part of despite spending most of my time living in the woods.

I loved the process of making this, and i love the final product even more. I love its roughness, and rawness, the complete disregard for any kind of production value or mass appeal whatsoever. It’s exactly what i feel youtube videos sho...

Beer Questing In The Night

The show that will never die returns again. Amazingly, this episode is actually good, maybe my favorite one since i started running this cursed experiment called Beer Quest 10,000 years ago. Having someone to hold the camera always makes everything more dynamic and fun, so for that you can thank the forest fae i befriended while renouncing the world of man.

Other than that, there's little more that need be said here. You know what this show is. It’s me, being tortured by beer and scre...

Buff Movie Buffs watch Idle Hands

You may have noticed I didn't post anything here all throughout November. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I was so busy having a grown up life that i forgot to do my baby-shit internet job. The upside to that is you didn't have to give me any money, the downside of course being that I didn't make any money. 

It's fine, i'll pay the rent by synthesizing and selling a Covid vaccine from the mutant anti-bodies that my invincible immune system cooked up from living in a sewer f...

2020: When Celebrities Saved The World

Hey, I'm still alive. Remember when everyone was mad at celebrities for like a month? Think back on the year, it was somewhere in there with everything else. Well i put this together around then, but then i came up with the title and realized i had to wait until today to post it because that's just the way i do things. Stupidly. 

I even decided to throw the normies a bone and post it publicly, so i can immediately regret that like i do every time. I have to poke my head out every o...

RE7 - Garage Battle

This video features a video game boss battle representation of the real spiritual war i fight every time i set foot in a garage. Time for a spooky true story about the scariest thing there is, living in the actual world.

Recently, during a routine oil change, I was informed by a trusted wrench-monkey that it would be a good idea to invest in some new tires before hitting the road any further. This would surely be expensive but i resolved to get it done quickly, because i have places to ...

The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then Bigfoot

Okay, i didn't put this in the review, but i have to say it somewhere. Look at the Title of this movie. The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then Bigfoot. Pretty cool name for a movie, sounds rad, that's what got my attention in the first place. But look again. That's not the title. 

It's The Man Who Killed Hitler and Then THE Bigfoot. What kind of Mandala bullshit is this? I've been saying it wrong the whole time, and the worst thing is the actual title doesn't even sound as cool. It sou...

Soma

Oh yeah baby, you know i can't talk about a bunch of spooky movies without talking about at least one spooky video game, on account of how cool video games are. 

Soma is what you get when you cross Bioshock with Outlast, and it's also what you get when you cross a good game like Bioshock, with a bad game like Outlast, so the comparison works on multiple levels. Multiple sea levels that is, specifically deep, and deeper, unlike the story which onl...

Scary Spooky Bullshit Returns From Hell Again!

Oh boy! It's finally October 19 days ago! That means it's time for... this fuckin shit! 

Scary movies!

Spooky games!

Bullshit reviews!

Do i even need to explain this any further? This is what i do in October. Because i did it one time, and then i kept doing it, that's how these things become things. 

This year i had to make all of these in advance because i'm currently between chapters in the Stephen King novel called my actual life, living in the woods...

Resident Evil 7 - Blind Pierre Kicks My Ass

Oh my God end this fucking month for the love of Satan. I feel like that Green Day song about how much September fucking sucks, because September fucking sucked. I'm ready for spookies so let's just get to it. I declare it October now. Here's the continuation of a let's play series i started maybe a year ago or something, who knows. The point is it's Resident Evil and that's a spooky scary thing so i can finally post it. 

This one has some good goofs, some clever japes, a few well-...

This Mayor Sucks

Just look at this guy, look at him and his stupid beard shitting up my Final Fantasy 7. This is the thrilling conclusion to me finishing up those post-game errands. As you can see i had to go all the way back through the damn Shinra building, now featuring the goddamn mayor from Powerpuff Girls for some unknowable, asinine, anime reason, just to get Barret's stupid final gun that i accidentally missed the first time because i was too busy remembering how much cooler this all was when the grap...

Hangin With The Boys

I was back in town for another classy King Rat podcast episode recently and wait till you hear what high brow hijinks us good old boys are up to this time. You won't believe how many laughs we have in store for you here, at least 10! And that's a damn good number of laughs if i say so myself. 

Here's just some of the wild and zany topics we brazenly barfed up this time. 

-Why I don't trust Mr. Magoo

- silly mandala effects

-being cooler and smarter than Covid...

Jess Vs. Food - Wendys/Mcdonalds

Oh God, I'm sorry for all these food videos. I didn't mean for it to happen this way. I swear this isn't some horrible new passion of mine or maniacal shift in direction. It's just a cruel accident of fate that i ended up furiously producing somewhere between a half and a baker's dozen videos with some variation of Wendys/Mcdonalds/TimHortons/DairyQueen/Etc. in the title, and now all of us are burdened with the terrible, silly spoils of my tragic, hilarious hubris. 

Look, shit happ...

Breakfast Battle: Wendy Vs. Tim Horton

This is a new contender for stupidest video ever, and i made three of them, so i guess it's a series. I don't know what you've all managed to accomplish spiritually in 2020, but here's what terrible new plateaus of enlightenment i've ascended to so far.

1. Live In The Woods

2. Go Crazy

3. Eat an ungodly amount of fast food breakfast.

4. Grow a big stupid beard

Since the only human interaction i get anymore is from the girl who gives me Mcgriddles when i stumble o...

He's back, apparently.

Yes. Like clockwork, as soon as you think he's finally gone forever, everyone's favorite horrible character returns. I was actually going to post a sort of forest vlog thing, but i guess i'll save that because i straight up just found this lost episode of Babadook Spook. Apparently that spooky bad boi uploaded this a while ago and i never even noticed. It's dated July 2019. I mean that's not so bad, i basically only lost track of it for a month, give or take a year. 

Honestly compa...

Scary Coof Game

Pathologic 2 is a scary coof game about a plague or something that i bought because ha ha covid get it? Same reason i'm sure anyone bought it. Some games are played by everyone because they're free and fun like Fall Guys, other games are played exclusively by streamers and youtubers because memes control everyone's mind and are the only basis for decisions anymore.

From what i understand of this series its appeal is in the morose atmosphere and crushing survival/decision making difficul...

Jess Vs. Food - DQ and Chicken

This is a new series... maybe, where i rant and complain about food and how terrible it all is and what a constant burden it is to have to shove this crap in my body just to stay alive in a world that sucks and is full of losers anyways. 

In this first episode i holler at Dairy Queen and then Rail against Maryland Chicken, which if you haven't heard of it is like KFC but with grease to chicken ratio painfully skewed in the wrong direction. I mean... even more so than KFC. 

Be Like Mike: A Big Jerk.

Yeah that's right, I made a sports video. You didn't know i was a sports guy, did you? Well there's a lot you don't know about me. For your information i was a basketball/baseball/mini-golf prodigy before someone fucked up and got me a Sega Genesis. That someone was Santa Claus, and he's been on my Naughty List ever since. That's why he spends his time hiding at the North Pole, he knows if he ever shows up on the basketball court I'm gonna bust his ass and give him 40, just Like Mike.

M...

Oh God it's Wuppo! (wtf is wuppo)

Fuck i gotta write this post fast patreon is being fuckin weird and crapping out on me all day ah crap. i gotta get this up while i still can i'll come back and edit this post later and make it good i promise. fuck. 

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Okay, im back. Sorry folks, patreon was being weird. Here is Wuppo and as promised i have returned to say some things and type some stuff, that being my job and all. Did i mention my leg's infected and my foot fell off? it's okay i'm getting a pogo sti...

Sucking at Resident Evil 0

Resident Evil Zero is sort of a forgotten stepchild in the Resident Evil canon, and for good reason, i suck at it. This is the first time i've played this game since it came out in 2002 or whatever so excuse me, princess if i immediately get lost on a train level that consists entirely of a straight line and is meant to function as a fucking tutorial segment. 

"Wow, i thought this guy was the Resident Evil expert"

First of all, you goddamn son of a bitch. No one's called me t...

FF7R: The Part where i actually like the game.

Here's more of my post game riffing on FF7 Remake. This video contains the 20 minute section of Shinra Tower where the game is actually sort of cool, right before careening off a cliff with it's time ghost shenanigans. As was said by Scarlett in the thumbnail "Stop, you're timing is impeccably atrocious. That joke will only make sense until i change the thumbnail, so consider a limited time chuckle. 

Watch as i all too briefly marvel at some cool final fantasy 7 stuff before being ...

Beer Quest in The Woods Again

And now... the epic, nightmare conclusion to that beerquest video i posted the other month. This is part 2, of 2. Which means you never have to watch this show again, even though for some asinine reason that i'll never understand it seems most of you actually like watching me torture myself with various nasty foot-flavored beers. Oh wait, i know the reason. I'm hilarious. Crap. 

Too hilarious for this post. I just wrote 5 pages worth of something or other here and then realized it ...

Face-Sitting in Wall Market

Yes. More FF7 remake. It's a real AVALANCHE of content you're getting today.

I really meant to space these out over the month this time, but all the copyright trouble i had to deal with for the RE3 video threw everything out of wack and pissed me right off, so i had to leave civilization and live in the forest again. It happens. 

This one picks up immediately after the mechanical arm stuff, which means i finally made it to the arena, right? Ha. No. There's still anot...

WHERE'S DUDU??

Everyone loves The Witcher 3, and it's not hard to see why, After all, it's pretty much the only game in town with a guy named DUDU. At last, proof that games can be art. 

Dudu is sadly not in this video, i couldn't find him. To be honest i think i probably found him off camera between episodes and forgot about it. But Geralt doesn't know that, so now he's cursed to forever roam in search of what cannot be found. 

There are some who say this is a stupid joke, with no pun...

Final Fantasy 7 Remake Post Game

Hey guys, remember the Final Fantasy 7 remake? Remember when that was a big deal? Before the fake virus, and the manufactured hysteria, and the tyrannical lockdown, and the martial law, and the stupid tiger show, and the riots, and the race war, and the proletariat revolt, and the complete media-fueled breakdown of our deeply classist and fragile multi-ethnic society, and the unjust cancellation of Aunt Jemima, and the thing with the golf club, and whatever other wacky nightmare scenarios 202...