endlessjess

Thunderbolts*

This new marvel is nuts. Well, not that nuts. But it's one of the better Marvels in a while. This one's about a little anti-hero loser squad of supporting characters from other movies coming together to do some stuff.

The sentry is in this, and they somehow made him kind of likable and cool. Mostly by dropping some of the more convoluted aspects of the comic book version. He's no longer a "fo...

Friendship

This fuckin shit was wild, and hilarious. It's a dark comedy, reminiscent of Cable Guy, or a more cynical 2020s version of I Love You, Man. Like, if that movie took place in a time when everyone's brains have been fucking melted and nobody knows how to be normal or interact with other people anymore. Films always reflect the anxieties of the times, ya know? I guess every decade gets to have it's sad ...

Wicked: The Worst Thing I've Ever Seen

Wicked, my asshole. They should have called it Wretched. I've seen bad movies before, but this was something else entirely. Bad doesn't even begin to describe it. This was rotten to the core. It was moldy and unsafe to breathe. It was ugly and evil and made in the darkest corner of Hell's Pit to torment me and tear my soul apart.

I had one very small piece of a very big weed gummy and got the u...

Tubi Tales: Stupid Scary Silly Stuff

It's Tubi Time again, and this Tubi movie time, it's time for some Tubi Spookies (not to be confused with the spooky movie, Spookies, which is on Shudder). Let's see what gory, ghastly stories of ass-gassy horror are cool enough to be free, on the only streaming service that matters. Or should i say... screaming service?

Microwave Massacre

I first found this in a DVD bin...

Hungry For Hulu

Yum Yum eat em up, that's what i say when the prey is near. I pick up my spear... and i throw it. Into a buffalo's big meaty rear. Here's two happy hungry food shows i smelled wafting out of my hulu screen.

Fuck, that's delicious

This is a travel foodie show starring that big fat rap master, Action Bronson. I respect the man for making music exclusively about Sega Genesi...

Shudder Crud: The Dark, The Dead, and The Nighttime

Nightbreed

The story behind this movie is almost more interesting than the movie itself. Clive Barker directed this one himself but the studio butchered it, then someone found all the missing stuff decades later and stitched it back together to finally be watchable. 

It is watchable, but I still wouldn’t call it good. There’s great ideas here, and some really ug...

Games On My Switch

The Switch 2 is coming out soon, and I won't be getting one because I’m poor. But I might as well reminisce on some of the stuff I've loaded my original switch with over the years. It’s mostly old classics because all the modern Nintendo games I own are physical. I let my nephew play it and was briefly mortified that I don't have anything a 10 year old in 2025 will have ever heard of. He seemed to enjoy Outrun though, good kid. 

Outrun

2025-05-29 03:49:13 +0000 UTC View Post

WRESTLING!

WWE Backlash

Backlash started with a big fat 4 way between Jacob Fatu and 3 other fat guys too. It was a decently fat match with a lot of butt-crunching table bumps. La Knight does a phat elbow drop to a standing opponent that looks rad as hell. I’m studying this maneuver so I can use it in my own daily battles.

The main Event was John Cena, who is now an evil heel, whi...

Oops! All Text Posts

As a general rule, I typically post a lot more videos than text-only posts here, but I don't have any videos this month. I’ve been out in the world, away from my editing station, and Patreon won’t let me upload any video files directly from my phone over 2 minutes long for some asinine reason. So, with apologies to the illiterate among you, I’ll have to make do with the power of my eloquent writing alone. 

I’ve got all kinds of stuff and things to tell you about in this, th...

Criterion Channel: Mad Women and Sad Men

I'm in a long sleeve shirt which means I'm too hot to think of an introduction to this post. Here's some cinema about women and men being woeful and miserable, like I am in this hot shirt.

The Life of Oharu

A great, depressing movie from the 50s about the shame based society of feudal japan, which must have seemed barbaric when the film was made, but now doesn't seem all ...

Tubi Tales: Brothers in Harm

I got some damn fine and groovy tubi movies for ya. Movies about bros being bros. Brothers in arms, brothers in farms, brothers in genocidal massacres, and brothers in the trade of their chosen profession, which is the most polite and sane way i can describe the first film of the evening.

Dead Ringers

This wildly demented Cronenberg feature is about twin Gynocologists w...

Shudder Crud: Cool Kids and Creepy Crawlies

Check it out now, It's your Shudder Soul Brudder with anudder mudder fuggin Blug. This one's got bugs, slugs, and adolescent thugs. I'm talking about movies, ya mugs.

Phenomena

I can not review Phenomena as a critic, I can only review it as a real human boy. I love this fucking movie. Every frame of it. I don’t know if it’s my favorite movie, but every time I watch it...

Monster Hunter Movie (2020)

Hey Howdy Hey. Whaddayasay. Here's a review of a movie that is gay. Monster Cunter. Based on the hit game series, which to my knowledge does not feature any American army soldiers in the desert going through a portal to Cuntland. But the movie does. Because a movie does what a movie do, and it makes no difference to me or you.

Is it good? Obviously no. Is it bad? Eh. What does "bad" even mean these days? What does anything mean? Whatever opinions I was able to form are in the ...

Uncharted Movie (2022)

Yippitty Skitppity here's some shit for you. A video game movie of a game that was already a movie. Starring a small child, who I hope is not my number 1 fan, because I fear my stiff critique here might harm the boy's feelings.

This is never my intention. I assure you the job of a jerkass jokester critic is no more glamorous for me than it is for the millionaires I must occasionally lampoon. Perhaps even less so, if you can believe it.

AEW Dynasty 2025

They keep throwing all this wrestling at me and I can't stop barfing up opinions about it. Wrestlemania time is almost here, but first I have to tell you about the recent AEW content gauntlet I survived called Dynasty.

What happens at Dynasty? A lot! Who wrestles at Dynasty? Everyone you've ever heard of and some you haven't! What does any of it mean? I don't know! There's 10,000 matches on the card and it goes from 1:00 in the afternoon to 5:00 in the morning. How much am I exaggera...

Goof Troop: Max and His Evil Hat

It's Goof Time, ya boofs. I consider myself to be among the highest choir of Goof-Boofs, but here's an unexpected confession for ya. I never watched all that much Goof Troop back in the day. Probably cause I was too busy reading books at the library like a good little gifted child/future burnout.

So here's the first random episode of this show I clicked on. S2E8: Talent To The Max. In this one Max learns a lesson about humility, and that when it comes to talent, there ...

Jungle and The Mummy: 2 Review 4 You

There's no unifying theme here. I saw these 2 movies at random and spewed some opinions on them, which I then smushed together into one video because I didn't think anyone would care about them individually.

One is a based on a true story kinda movie about a Frenchman slurping down Jungle Eggs and pulling worms out of his head while lost in the rainforest. The other is a horrible, bloated, Hollywood sack of shit where Tom Cruise shows off his creepily buff old man body, and also someth...

Kenan and Kel's first episode

Witness the birth of a legend. You've heard me see them eat a turkey and do a Christmas, now hear me look at the first time they did anything, unless you count All that.

Yes I do intend to explore every episode of this damn show and no i will not do it in any order that makes sense, because this rotten life is a joke where nothing matters, and I'm The Hee Hee Ha Ha Man Who Doesn't Even Care.

Aww Here goes!

Kraven The Hunter

Oh boy! I got a fun Sony Pictures Spider-Man Adjacent Character Movie review for ya. Everyone loves dumping on Sony Pictures Spider-Man Adjacent Character Movies!

This one wasn't even really all that bad as a movie. It's just a bit long and slightly gay. The action scenes are fun but where it fails is in being a movie about Kraven The Fucking Hunter. There's only so much leeway I can give a film when it deliberately changes nearly every aspect of the guy it's supposedly about.

Th...

Screaming For Switch 2

AAAAHHHHHH Nintendo has a new console! It's got a bunch of stupid new features that no one will ever use, and maybe... possibly... 2 or more games!

I can't wait to not be able to afford this shit.

Tubi Tales: Hood Movies and Good Boobies

Buckle up, whitey. I'm taking you to the hood today. This is what real life is like. This is how it be in the inner cities of this crumbling cunt-country. Gangsta shit, vampires, and butt-kickin babes with big bouncy boobies and beautiful black afros.

That's the kind of shit we dealin with out here that you suburban kids don't know about. That's why I'm here to educate you. So you better listen, and don't go snitchin, or my trigger finger's gonna be itchin, ya bish. You're about to wit...

Shudder Crud: Women Having a Bad Day

It's that time of the month again. Time for me to recommend what's good and protect you from what isn't. Just like last time, I have 3 films about females being terrorized, because no one cares about horrors that happen to men.

There's no "final boy" trope. Our job is to get killed in the first act, or sacrifice ourselves in the second. Whether she lives or dies, the woman is the important character, and the reason why ought to be obvious. Have you seen women? They're so <...

The Penguin

Ah, the furtive Penguin, so easily forgotten. Never the flashiest of Batman's rogues. He's not the one running around going "look at me look at me I'm cRAAzYY ooga booga". He's just an asshole with an umbrella, doing his gangster shit in silence while the clown gets all the attention (and all the beatings).

This character is never the same, but he's always the same. He's been played by Burgess Meredith as a scheming goofball criminal who dresses and carries himself like a child's idea o...

The Wild Robot

This film has a 98 on Rotten Tomatoes, and that's why I don't trust people. It's one of the blandest, lamest, by-the-numbers, cliché clunkers I've ever wasted my time on.

The promotional material makes it seem like something artsy and mature. Something with a lot of atmosphere and ambience. But as soon as the fucking animals started talking I knew I was in for some gay baby bullshit.

This isn't a movie, it's an ad for A.I. chatbots that feels like it was written by one of them. T...

The only bad Ryan Gosling movie.

Here's a review nobody asked for, of a movie no one has ever heard of, because I got tricked into watching it. I have a personal mission to see, experience, and catalogue every movie starring Ryan "literally me" Gosling because he's my generation's John Wayne.

So far this film quest has been solely for me, not for you, but this one I just had to warn you about because it's the first time I've seen The Gos in a movie that stinks. Stay away from it.

Nintendo Direct 2025

Oh boy it's time to look at Nintendo games! Everyone loves Nintendo Games, all 1 of them. Here's a happy and excited reaction to this year's lovely new Nintendo lineup, consisting of Metroid Prime 4, and a bunch of CRAP.

Will this finally be the Metroid game to include nude Samus? Probably not, but all day long I dream of a better world where such blessings abound. I think my prayers are slowly paying off because this one does seem to have some rather suggestive architecture.

I ...

King of The Hill: The Smoking Bandit

It was bound to happen. I'm finally reviewing this now, too. There's no cartoon or show in existence I won't goofily spew my thoughts on. I don't think King of The Damn Stinkin Hill needs any introduction. If you ain't down with King of The Hill then you can go in the toilet and beat yourself up.

Granted, this is a pretty random episode to start reviewing the series on. An inconsequential story about the hijinks of an inconsequential man, who finally stands up to the arbitrary law of th...

Sleep Aid Double Feature: Your Honor/The Terror

Ugh. Gross. I tried watching some "grow up" stuff. In this case grown up means groanworthy and thrown up. I don't know why Bryan Cranston is still doing shows, he already won acting. He did it. He's done. He should be on a beach building happy little sandcastles and sippin outta coconuts.

But they got him in this boring judge show, and if you thought nothing could be sleepier than a show about a judge who isn't Dredd, wait till you witness The Terror, a show that forgot to include the ...

Hey Arnold: Old Iron Man

This is one of multiple episodes that prove Steely Phil can not be killed. He simply won't die. He's too powerful. In this Clash of Titans, Phil picks up an old rivalry and ends up punching a shark. Just another day in a legendary life.

It's an episode about friendship, competition, and having a plastic hip. This show has an episode about everything.

Regular Show: Replaced

Thanks to the guy who previously requested a Regular Show review, I now have the entire series on my computer, which earns it a place in my rotation of shows to rant about. So lucky for him and everyone else who digs the daily dipshit adventures of these two useless fucks.

Keep this in mind if i ever do requests again. If you request something good and convenient enough for me, I might just continue watching and making videos about it after the fact. Plus, I just had to see if these two...