sonderlust

all i really want

I’m starting out the music posts with an obvious one but it felt fitting.

I realized recently that I think of Jagged Little Pill as a year, with each of the 12 tracks representing and associated with a month. I don’t know why, but in my head I see a year visually, cascading not just down but down diagonally and three dimensionally, almost like stairs, with each month having a different energy and shade. I’ve been listening to this album since I was 4 years old (thank you mom) an...

extra

I miss you extra today 
And maybe it’s because I’m not supposed to 
Maybe it’s because I can’t get you out of my system 
Maybe it’s because I don’t want to 

I feel like crying today 
And maybe it’s because you’re further out of reach 
Maybe it’s because I feel like no one understands 
The language I speak I don’t know how to teach 

It all feels wrong today 
I close my eyes and I see your face&n...

is this how you do clean girl aesthetic?

just a note

morning all :) would you guys be into me posting music here? I’ll routinely have a song I’m really into or one that pops up from my past that I have on repeat or maybe just something I’m vibing to etc, let me know if you’d be interested in that.

thank you as always for being here <3

neighbors

My neighbor across the courtyard
Just recently moved in 
Neither of us have curtains 
And I think we watch each other 
In a non-weird way 
He started with a box of nothing 
No furniture 
Nothing on the walls
Nothing in the windowsill 
Just like me 
But now he has his office set up 
A plant hanging in the window
Books stacked in the sill 
His space has come to life 
Just like mine has
He has...

147th & broadway

shot on 35mm film

moths

Like a moth to a flame
Why am I drawn to pain
I would love to sit here and say that I hate it 
But perversely I think I may live to create it 
And maybe that’s why you like me so much 
You see in me that same familiar clutch 
At a life so fully lived it just may destroy you 
At the violent truth 
At the chance to feel brand new 
This way and that way 
Up down now replay 
Can’t you see that the train’s left t...

recognition

I told him:
“It seems like you are looking for someone,
But I want someone who is looking for me.”
He said he didn’t know how to respond to that
That told me a lot

I couldn’t blame him 
It’s a nuanced thing to say 
Most people might not know what I mean by it 
But to me it’s as clear as glass
As straightforward as looking in the mirror 

I told you:
“I feel like you are looking for me,
And it’s not true but...

it’s all a fucking mess

trust issues

When people say they have ‘trust issues’
My mind jumps to tales of juvenile games
And textbook stories of deceit
‘They didn’t deserve for their belief in others to be degraded like that,’ I think to myself
As if I am separate from them
But when I look in the mirror
I see someone with ‘trust issues’ too
Because how could I believe
That someone may want me wholly and unedited
Without concessions made
When there has always been a struggle 2024-04-08 01:58:50 +0000 UTC View Post

sun speckle

shot on 35mm film

grief

I used to cry to you 
In bed wrapped around you 
You would ask: “What’s wrong?”
I told you that one day 
We would be separated 
By death 
And that one lifetime wasn’t enough 
That I would never have enough time with you 
But I am still alive 
And you are still alive 
And death wasn’t what separated us 
And I have come to know
That life is just one long grieving process 
And there is comfo...

a promise kept

“Everything happens for a reason”
These words have become empty 
Regurgitated and lifeless and hollow
They hang in the air 
As a trite and tired consolation prize 
Their repetition has wearied me 
Yet without them I can’t seem to rest 
And when I actually stop to consider 
Why I once believed them in the first place 
Why I walk forward
Bloodied and bruised 
But blindly certain 
I’m met with the reminde...

endless glow

shot on 35mm film

quiet joy

I am eating my soft boiled eggs. I am meticulously peeling the white part off of my orange slices and I am enjoying it more than I feel I should be considering the grandest moments are said to be at the top of a mountain or at the bottom of your bucket list or on some life changing quest. Why then does grandeur peek its head through the smallest moments no one will ever witness or capture or write about. I am sitting in silence with only the distant ambient noise of outside through my closed ...

search results

Sometimes late at night 
When I should be sleeping 
I search our texts for ‘I love you’
To see all the times you said it to me
It feels like all I have left of us now 
I’m always surprised to see that to most of them 
I didn’t say it back 
I was scared 
You understood 
You held the space for me 
To be protective of myself 
You never pushed me 
I wish I was like you in that way 
I regret all...

you live here now

fragmented

fool's errand

A cute guy messaged me on instagram 
I had never interacted with him before
The url equivalent of being approached at a bar 
He’s an artist 
Makes music 
Seems cool and fun
I messaged back
Because that’s what I’m supposed to do now
Be "open to the possibilities" 
Within a few back and forths
He said he wanted to get to know me
If I have the space for that 
I was glad he used that language 
It allowed me to b...

simpler times

shot on 35mm film

sun salutation – digital download

shot on 35mm film high resolution .jpg not for commercial use

price of admission

Neon interrupts a black sky 
Glowing world awaiting exploration 
Steel gates that seem more like a suggestion 
Pulled into the gravity of twisted liberation
“Two tickets please,” your voice steady and sure 
Heavy against distant screams and laughter 
Your eyes hold weight I’ve never been through 
And I’ve never known you but I’ve had to 
Concessions stand and concessions made 
Funhouse mirror becomes clear 
...

first love

I saw a man today on the subway 
Standing in a perfectly turned out first position
I can always spot dancers on the street 
The way they walk
The way their bun is twisted and pinned 
The way they move throughout the world 
I can see myself in them 
Sometimes it’s my biggest regret 
Cracking under the pressure 
Feeling like my body wasn’t right 
Letting myself hold me back 
I didn’t have the best feet  2024-03-27 14:21:46 +0000 UTC View Post

nsfw

undiagnosed

The first time we slept together
You didn’t reach out to me after
You didn’t text
You didn’t call
I didn’t understand 
I felt such a strong connection that night 
I saw you the next weekend at the bar 
You were carrying glasses to the back when I came in 
You looked so happy to see me
It confused me 
I had spent the week upset 
I felt so slighted 
Like you didn’t like me at all 
We went outside for a...

polonaise terrace

brooklyn, new york — shot on 35mm film

in ways they haven't

You said you want to die in slow motion 
I said
You’re in luck
You already are 

You look at me like you’ve never seen love before 
I think 
You’ve just been hiding from it
You’ve just been seeking in the wrong corners

You tell me things you’ve never said out loud before 
I hear 
You haven’t had anyone to say them to 
Your surroundings never felt like home to you 

You said you want to touch ...

undone

the truth

When I cry my nose gets really red 
My eyes and lips get swollen 
The fine line between my eyebrows
Becomes more pronounced 
From scrunching my face up 
I over explain everything 
I can’t bear being misunderstood 
Even though it’s inescapable 
I bite my nails 
It’s a nasty habit 
I just don’t care
I’m selfish 
Not all the time but a lot 
Definitely more than I prefer 
I’ve hurt ...

the beautiful mundane

shot on 35mm film