The Broad Side of a Barn, Chapter 4

The day of the Tourney dawned, and for once, Kazuma was up early. Despite himself, he was filled with nervous jitters, having spent the night tossing and turning. What if Darkness really did end up marrying Alderp, or worse, his bishi son? The big blonde pervert might enjoy the experience, but dammit, what was Kazuma’s party to do without a proper tank!? 

Plus, if she left, that meant no more baths with her, and Kazuma sort of thought that maybe this route had an H Scene in it somewhere. Maybe. Not that he was interested or anything, he just didn’t want to lose, dammit!

He stomped down the stairs to the kitchen, the sun just barely peeking up over the horizon. To his surprise, he found Darkness already up, dressed in that same weird white and black dress, though she didn’t have the breastplate on yet. She was hunched over the stove, where she had a large pot of water on, and was muttering over a cookbook. 

“What are you doing?” Kazuma said, which caused Darkness to squeak and look up in surprise. 

“Ah! Kazuma, I…um, well. I was attempting to poach an egg, if you must know.” 

Kazuma eyed the boiling water and the basket of fresh eggs. “Why?” 

“Um, it was…it was a tradition of my mother’s. She would always have poached eggs before a competition. However, I, ah, I am not quite familiar with the preparation of poached eggs, so…” Darkness shrugged helplessly and gestured to the book. “I am aware one must boil water first…”

“Oh give it here,” Kazuma said, snatching the book from Darkness. “You’re a lousy cook anyway. You always try to make these complicated dishes and botch them. Just stick with something simple.”

Darkness proceeded to pout, but Kazuma ignored her. “Lucky you I’ve got the Cooking skill. Now, grab me some vinegar. Hmm, we should have rice with these.”

“Why rice? They are traditionally served on toast,” Darkness said, handing Kazuma a bottle of vinegar.

“I’m Japanese. For us, it’s not a real meal without rice,” Kazuma told her, cracking the eggs into a sieve before transferring them into a small dish. He added the vinegar to the boiling water, then swirled it expertly, letting his Cooking Skill do the heavy lifting. Within a few minutes, he had half a dozen perfectly poached eggs. Darkness produced some cold cooked rice, which they quickly heated on the stove as well. Then they dished up the eggs: Four for darkness, and two for Kazuma. 

“T-this is not a fair distribution, you are the one who worked hard, it should be three and three,” Darkness protested weakly. 

“Yeah, and you’re half a head taller and like five kilos heavier than me. Eat your damn protein, you blonde gorilla.” 

“T-that is not the sort of abuse…” Darkness began, but she was panting and blushing so much that Kazuma just smirked at her. 

“Yeah it is. Eat up, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you marry sparkle princess. Maybe we can murder Alderp later.”

“K-Kazuma, do not joke about that! He is a peer of the realm and the Lord of Axel!”

“Hmph. Well, maybe I’m still salty about you volunteering to marry him,” Kazuma grumbled. 

“And here I didn’t take you for the jealous type,” Darkness chuckled. Kazuma glared at her, but she just worked at putting away her eggs and rice. She even got a couple of apples and ate them too, giving Kazuma a handful of slices, and she drank an entire pitcher of milk! 

They were just finishing breakfast when Megumin bounded into the kitchen, cape a-swirl. “Haha! Good morning, my faithful companions! Today, you shall truly witness the GLORY OF EXPLOSION MAGIC! Now, give me my victuals, that I may break my fast in true Crimson Demon fashion!” 

“There’s rice, and some fruit,” Kazuma told her. Megumin devoured it eagerly, though she barely sat down long enough to shove the food into her gullet before she was up and about again. “I depart now to locate Wiz and Yunyun. You will both come to witness my cataclysmic demonstration of power, will you not!?”

“Of course we will, Megumin,” Darkness said, then kicked Kazuma under the table. He’d been about to say something along the lines of “we’d see your chuuni firecracker from anywhere you little menace” but instead said. 

“Don’t worry, Megumin. We’ll be here to see you rob those suckers blind with your Explosion.”

“Mwahahaha! Of course! The glory and wealth both shall be mine today!” With a dramatic swirl of her cloak, Megumin vanished. Or more accurately, she continued to make enough noise to be heard from a kilometer away, but out of line of sight. 

She hadn’t been gone long when Aqua stumbled out of her room, yawning and still dressed in her pajamas. “Ugh, good morning. Why is everyone so loud today?” 

“It’s the tournament, you lazy good-for-nothing!” Kazuma growled. “And we need you! If Darkness has any hope of not placing dead last, you’re going to have to buff her!” 

“Kazuma, buffs are strictly forbidden in the tournament, and Break Spell is used on all participants before each round of the competition. If they find any illegal enhancements on you, you’ll automatically be disqualified!” Darkness protested. 

“Oh, really?” Kazuma asked, his eyes narrowing. He turned to Aqua, who similarly had a conniving expression on her face. 

“Kazuma…Aqua…what are you two planning?” Darkness demanded, her hands clenching into fists. “Do not sabotage this!” 

“I’m wondering…do they blanket ban all buffs…or do they have a specific list of them?” Kazuma asked slowly. 

“I, uh…well…honestly, I’m not sure?” Darkness said, shaking her head. “The rules of the tournament would be the standard Royal Rules of Tourney Play, and to call them exhaustive is an understatement. They are contained in a rather thick and dusty tome that would be at the tournament itself, but I have not read them myself. You are not the first to think they have found a clever and creative way to circumnavigate the rules.”

“What say we head over there early, so that I can peruse them, eh?” Kazuma said, rubbing his fingers. “We wouldn’t want to accidentally break the rules.”

“Yeah! There’s not a mage alive who can cast a Break Spell that would stop my magic!” Aqua huffed. 

“This is unwise. We will not need your buffs to compete, Aqua,” Darkness said firmly, then skewered Kazuma. “So you will not do anything to jeopardize this, Kazuma. I forbid it.”

“Oh yeah?” Kazuma said, his eyes narrowing at Darkness. “And what if you can’t even hit the damn target?”

“If that happens, then Aqua may buff you and I to her heart's content,” Darkness said, sounding rather exasperated. “But until and unless I either grant you leave, or miss a single target, no buffs.”

“Yeah, well, I’m getting my hands on a copy of those stupid rules anyway,” Kazuma grumbled. 

They managed to leave not long after that, with Aqua changing quickly enough into her usual garments while Darkness saddled up her horse, which Kazuma discovered was named Buttercup. 

“Shh, it’s alright, Kazuma is a friend,” Darkness said, stroking the horse’s muzzle. Buttercup eyed Kazuma sceptically, which Kazuma returned in the same spirit. The horse looked like it could kick the head in of a Whitefang, which incidentally, was both accurate and something Buttercup had been trained exactly to do. 

“She’s very protective of me, I’ve had her since I was a girl. She was a gift for my tenth birthday, and I helped raise her from a foal,” Darkness explained. 

“Uh huh. I don’t suppose horses in this world eat flesh and drink blood?” Kazuma asked, keeping well back from Buttercup. 

“What? How on earth did you get that idea, Kazuma?” Darkness asked, sounding completely baffled. 

“Hey, people grow mackerel like it’s a weed here and the vegetables want to kill you, so I just get jumpy, you know? Plus, that thing looks like she could take a bite out of me!” Kazuma protested. 

“Nonsense. Buttercup is a sweetie. She only bites the heads off goblins,” Darkness said, giving the horse a sugar cube. Kazuma looked at her aghast, and for a moment, she met his expression ambivalently. Then she broke down in giggles, hugging her horse. 

“Very funny! Sure YOU can laugh about it! You’d probably enjoy it if that thing tried to bite your fingers off!” 

“Oh wow, that’s a pretty pony, Darkness. I call front!” Aqua said, skipping into the barn. 

“Er, Aqua, you ah-” Darkness began, but Aqua flounced over and produced an apple out of nowhere, which Buttercup eyed longingly, then glanced at Darkness with a pleading expression. 

“Oh, very well, but I’ll have to work you twice as hard tomorrow,” Darkness sighed, and the horse destroyed the apple in one bite. This was why Kazuma didn’t trust animals. 

The ride to the tourney wasn’t as interesting as the one the night before, with Aqua’s presence ruining any chances at fun times. They did arrive early enough, before most of the crowds did, and made their way over to the stands where the archery tournament would be held. It was the first event of the day, with the joust taking place in the afternoon and the melee on the following day. 

Kazuma hit up the judges stand, asking to see the book of rules. 

“Eh? You want to read that old thing? Don’t tell me, you think you’ve found some loophole you can exploit,” an old man with a short white beard and spectacles said. He hauled out a book nearly as big as Kazuma’s chest and with a grunt, set it on the table. “Well, be my guest. But if they draw and quarter you, don’t blame me.”

Kazuma eyed the book, then sighed and started flipping through it. He found the section on banned “enhancements” easily enough, and sure enough, it was a list. 

“The list of banned potions includes Potion of Giant Strength, Elixir of Giant Strength, Quaft of Giant Strength, Draught of Giant Strength…”

He skipped through it, as he didn’t care about potions, and read through some of the banned spells. After a few more minutes, he closed the book and walked away, the old man muttering about “uppity young whippersnappers.” But he had what he needed. 

Darkness had gone to do some paperwork or something, so Kazuma wandered over to check out the competition. There were a few faces Kazuma recognized, but most of them were clearly from out of town. For one thing, the locals all had worn but functional gear, while the out of towners were wielding what looked like exotic materials. Kazuma wasn’t an expert, but he figured that several bows were made from dragon bone and other even more exotic stuff, like wood that glowed softly green and one that looked to be made of rock of all things. 

“Hey hey, Kazuma, what’s up?” a familiar man in blue said, waving to Kazuma and he went over to exchange a fist bump.

“They let you compete, Keith?” Kazuma asked.

“Hey, at least I’m an Archer. You’re just an Adventurer and they let you in,” Keith chortled. He was one of Dust’s party members, and had teamed up with Kazuma on occasion. Usually to visit the Happy Ending Cafe, aka, the Succubus Shop. 

 “An Adventurer? I guess Alderp will let anyone compete if they can pay the fee,” a blue-eyed, blonde haired woman in high-heeled red boots and red manticore leathers said, sneering at Kazuma. Her bow was one of the dragonbone ones, and her drawling accent screamed “snooty noble.” 

“Hey, I wouldn't rule Kazuma out. I’ve seen him Snipe giant toads from 200 yards!” Keith said, and several of the other male Adventurers nodded and chuckled. They’d all lost a few bits or drinks to Kazuma when they’d had impromptu archery competitions behind the guild. 

“Giant toads?” a man in green with a big stone bow said, pronouncing his words like had a case of lockjaw. “How parochial of you. It’s so charming when one visits the countryside. Giant toads. A marvel they survive here. Must not be anything more threatening than a Bane around these parts.”

“It is Axel,” the red woman said with a sniff. “Nothing by hay and hayseeds as far as the eye can see.”

Kazuma’s gorge rose, and he stalked over, puffing out his chest, despite the fact that he came up to the man’s chin and the woman’s nose, he tried to glare down at them. “I don’t know who you assholes are, but I’m Kazuma Sato. I’m the guy who took out Beldia AND the Destroyer!”

Instead of being suitably impressed, vulpine grins spread across the faces of the two snooty outsiders. 

“Oh, so you’re the one,” the woman sniggered. “Well, I had thought dearest Alderp was giving us a challenge, what with having us go against the daughter of Deadeye Alice, but a simple Adventurer? You’ve not even a drop of noble blood in your veins I wager.”

“That does take the sport out of it I suppose. Perhaps I should shoot with my off hand, keep things interesting,” the man guffawed. 

Kazuma was about to tell them exactly what he could do with his off hand, when Darkness strode up. “Ah. Lady Kocher, and Sir Steit. I have been informed you are Baron Alexei’s champions this day. And I see you have already met Master Sato.”

“These are the clowns you warned me about?” Kazuma asked, gesturing to the two twits. “Come on, Darkness. I could take these two blindfolded.”

“Ah, Lady Dustiness. This is the man you’ve wagered on? Poor bet. Though I do suppose I can understand. Walter is a rather handsome lad, isn’t he?” the man, who was apparently Sir Steit, said. 

Darkness regarded Steit flatly. “Walter is a fine and upstanding gentleman, but my heart belongs to another. And I have placed my wager far more carefully than the baron. You would do well not to underestimate Master Sato.”

“Oh please. No need to try to save face now. It’s a bit late for your family in that regard, isn’t it?” Lady Kocher tittered. 

Darkness slowly turned to Kocher, who quit tittering and paled. She was tall, though still a bit shorter than Darkness, and not nearly so stout. “Do you call my family honor into question, Viscountess Kocher.”

“Ah, well, no, I, ah, misspoke. Your pardon, Lady Dustiness,” Kocher said, backing off immediately. Damn, when Darkness actually tried, she could actually be kinda scary. 

“Damn, Darkness, it’s almost like you’re a real noble,” Keith commented, which earned chuckles from the other Adventurers. The imported nobles shot them skeptical looks, while Darkness shrank in on herself slightly. 

“You’re damn right, she is!” Kazuma said, whirling on them. “And don’t you forget it! She saved my bacon at that stupid rigged trial, and she’s the one who’s been paying to repair the whole damn town, or haven’t you noticed?!” 

“Wait, SHE paid for the town to be rebuilt, not Alderp!? But he’s the Lord!” one of the Adventurers protested. 

“Don’t be stupid, of COURSE Alderp paid for the repairs,” Steit said, rolling his eyes. “He’s the richest man in the kingdom, while House Dustiness…well, they’re a very old and prestigious family.”

“My family paid for the repairs,” Darkness said quietly. “You can check with the stone mason’s guild, the carpenters guild, the town council, and the bishopric. This was because my actions on the field placed the responsibility upon my family, and it was at my direction that the destruction of Alderp’s manor occurred. Legally, it was my responsibility.”

That stunned everyone into silence, and Kazuma smirked in smug satisfaction. That would show the fancy fools.

“Well. I’m still not going to go easy on you today,” Kocher said, though she looked slightly pale. “My family honor is on the line, and Baron Alexei has offered a handsome reward to best you and your…armsman.”

“Hey, we’re Adventuring Companions! That’s a bond stronger than anything!” Kazuma said, glaring at Kocher, who rolled her eyes.

“Indeed. And it is why so many ancient houses have a tradition for their scions to form such bonds, and gain experience defending the land and people from threats, while working as a humble Adventurer,” Darkness said, nodding at what Kazuma said.

“I spent several years as an Adventurer meself. Met me wife that way,” an older gentleman with a silver mustache and big grey sideburns said. He was dressed finely and had a slightly strange accent.

“Ah, Count Schutze,” Darkness said, nodding to the gentleman. “I take it our Northern Border is quiet, given your presence.”

“Ha! No such thing, ye know that, lassie,” Schutze said with a hearty laugh. “No, me daughter, Elenore, be of age to inherit. Has a husband and a wee laddie o’ her own now. So me and Hattie be enjoying our retirement with a few tourneys. I’m too old to be fightin’ demons and manticores. But a bit o’ target practice on a fine day like this be just the thing.”

“Ah, I apologize, I had not heard of your abdication,” Darkness said, smiling at the old man. 

Schutze waved that away. “Eh, it ain’t official and all that yet, but it be me and Hattie’s anniversary, so we took the trip down south where it’s peaceful like. I did hear about your father, Lassie. Terrible, that. Ignis be a good man. If there be anything I can do, just call. I may be retired, but I still be one o’ yer family’s vassals.”

“Thank you, Sir Schutze. I will remember your fidelity,” Darkness said quietly. 

A trumpet blew, and all eyes turned to the main box. Alderp and his son appeared, dressed in their silken splendor, with Alderp wearing enough glinting rings and golden necklaces to outfit an entire theater company. Walter was dressed more conservatively, but Kazuma’s blood still boiled to see how well his tunic and hose fit him. Kazuma would kill to have an ass like that. Or be that tall. 

“Presenting, for the first time, her most Royal Highness, Princess Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg!” a herald called. 

“Who?” Kazuma muttered, glancing at Darkness. A huge grin had broken out on her face, and she grabbed Kazuma’s arm. He had only time to let out a yip of pain and terror before he was flapping in the breeze behind her as Darkness dashed across the tournament ground, to where a young blond girl in a fine blue dress with a silver tiara on her head had taken a seat in the box next to Alderp. 

Darkness slowed enough for Kazuma’s feet to touch the ground, and he struggled to keep up as she paused before the royal box, where she curtsied to the princess. Kazuma struggled out a bow, though he was trying to figure out what was going on here. 

“Your Highness, welcome to Axel. I had not heard you were coming today,” Darkness said, slightly out of breath. 

Kazuma glanced up at the princess, expecting some sort of cold kuudere type. Instead, he found the girl bouncing on her heels, almost jumping over the railing, her cheeks dimpled as she smiled and waved excitedly. 

“Oh yes, when I heard that you might compete, Tina, I simply had to attend! Duke Symphonia has come to oversee things in the capital just so I could come and see you! Is this that horrible man you’ve spoken of in your letters, Kazuma Sato? Did he really fight Beldia and the Destroyer like you said in your letters?!”

“Your Highness, the people are watching,” a tall blonde woman with a blue lock of hair in an ornate set of armor said, putting a hand on the Princess’ shoulder and trying to calm her. She gave Darkness a pained look, and Darkness blushed slightly.

“Ah, forgive me, Highness. I merely wished to introduce you to Master Sato. He, ah, is the gentleman whom I have mentioned in my letters. And yes, he did indeed mastermind the defeat of Beldia and the Destroyer both. We, ah, also defeated two other generals, but, um, that is less well publicized.”

“Mostly because they’re sponsoring our contest,” Kazuma muttered under his breath. 

“Truly?! You must attend me later, and share tales of your adventures!” the Princess said, her eyes sparkling with delight. Huh. Far from a Kuudere, she was a little ol’e ball of sunshine. Kazuma decided he liked the kid. 

“Don’t worry, Princess. It would be our pleasure to attend you and share tales of our gallant adventures and exploits,” Kazuma said, making his best leg. The look of relieved gratitude Darkness shot him made it entirely worth it. 

“Provided, of course, you’re not attending me later, and ironing out our marriage contract.”

Steam practically shot out of Kazuma’s ears as he turned towards the silkily smiling Alderp, who had a goblet in one bejeweled fist. Iris shot Darkness a worried look; apparently, she hadn’t heard of this, and didn’t entirely approve.

“That will only happen should one of your champions defeat me. I confess, Viscountess Kocker and Sir Steit are worthy opponents. But I do not think I shall be donning a bridal veil for you this day, Baron,” Darkness said, putting a hand on Kazuma’s shoulder and squeezing none too gently. 

“Well, Walter seems fond of the thought of marrying you as well. And I don’t see either of my champions falling to some low class Adventurer,” Alderp sneered. He bowed low to the Princess. “My hospitality is yours to command, Princess. Please, take your seat. The competition will begin shortly.”

“Thank you, Baron. We were merely speaking with our cousin and wishing her well,” Iris said in much more proper tones than she’d been using with Darkness. Wait, COUSIN!? Hold on, there was nobility, and then there was royalty. Just how important was Darkness!? “We shall join you shortly.”

Alderp nodded and waddled off. Once he was far enough away the rising noise of the crowd covered it, Iris leaned over the railing and whispered to Darkness. “Cousin Tina, if you wish to marry that ugly, odious man, I shall have to write father to have your marriage annulled. How could you even think of wedding him!? He might be rich, but he’s so…vile!” 

“Princess…he is a peer of the realm, and the wealthiest man in Belzerg,” Claire chided. Then ruined it by adding, “Even if he does resemble the posterior of a giant toad, and smell about as good.”

“Claire!” Darkness said in mock scandal, placing a hand over heart. “Did you suddenly develop a sense of humor, or has Iris been rubbing off on you?”

Claire rolled her eyes. “Oh come off, it Tina. My sense of humor has always been superior to yours. Or have you forgotten who helped you sneak hot peppers into the king’s beer when we were ten?” 

Hold up. Just what kind of childhood had Darkness had?! 

“Our father’s gave us such a canning…after they were finished dunking their heads into the fountain with Uncle Melark,” Darkness said with a fond smile. 

“That was YOU!?” Iris gasped. She whirled on Claire. “You put hot peppers in Father’s beer?!”

“And your Uncle Ignis’ and her father’s as well,” Darkness added, even as Claire turned bright red. 

“There’s no way you remember that, Highness. You couldn’t even walk at the time,” Claire sniffed. 

“Yes, but Jatice has told me the story. It’s very funny,” Iris giggled, covering her mouth. 

“That it was. But do not fear, Iris. I have no intent of marrying Alderp. Or that stuffed clotheshorse of a son of his,” Darkness said. “Another, far more impressive man, has captured my interest.”

Well shit. Who the hell was more impressive than the richest stiff in the kingdom or his bishie son? Kazuma might have to ask Chris if she did assassinations. 

Or just point Megumin in their general direction. 

“Ooo, you simply must tell us later, Tina!” Iris said, her eyes darting to Kazuma for some reason. 

“Perhaps. I will need to seek my father’s blessing first,” Darkness said. She stood up on tiptoes to kiss Iris on the cheek. “Wish me luck, Cousin.”

“Good luck!” Iris said, throwing her arms about Darkness’ neck and squeezing. “We’re rooting for you and Master Sato both!” 

“Here here,” Claire said. “I don’t know what possessed you to make that wager, Tina. I hope that man of yours there is a deadeye.”

“I’d tell you to ask Belida, but he isn’t taking calls at the moment,” Kazuma said, folding his arms over his chest. 

“Oh! Well said, Master Sato!” Iris said, clapping her hands excitedly. “Good luck! May Eris smile upon you!” 

From the shadows not too far away, Chris chuckled to herself. “Kid, you have no idea.”

After a bit more pageantry and fanfare that Kazuma did his best to nap through, the archery competition began. There were indeed priests that came through and cast Spell Break, as well as checked the cards of all present for buffs. Kazuma proudly presented his, only to get a dubious look from the young priest who took it.

“Uh, you’re sure you’re in the right place, sir? This is the Archery Contest. Uh, this says ‘Cooking, Steal, Flee, Tinder, Lip-Reading, and-’”

“Yes, that’s mine! Look, I’ve got Snipe and Basic Bows too!” Kazuma snapped, snatching the card and pointing out the skills. 

“Er, yes, but, um…those are basic abilities. You’re up against Bloodline abilities,” the priest said, scratching at his stupid hat. 

“Yeah, well, I’m just lucky sometimes,” Kazuma growled. 

The priest shrugged. “Well, you don’t have any illegal buffs, even if your build is…odd. You’re clear.”

Kazuma muttered under his breath, then turned to Darkness. She had that giant metal pole of hers, but was flexing it. She’d tied a thick silver cable to one end, and was bending it over to…

“Holy crap, that thing’s a BOW?!” Kazuma demanded, his eyes nearly bugging out. “What is it made of, adamantoise!?”

“Correct,” Darkness grunted, managing to string her bow, which was even taller than she was strung. “The string is purest mithril.”

“What do you shoot, entire trees?!” Kazuma demanded. 

Darkness picked up what Kazuma had thought was a spear, and set it against the bow string. “Nothing quite so grandiose.”

“Huh.” Kazuma looked her up and down, then shook his head. “I still don’t buy you can shoot that thing.”

“Hrng!” Darkness blushed and flinched. “H-how crass! Still, you mistrust me, Kazuma?!”

“Oh, I trust  you. To be a degenerate and a meat shield. But if people could have a negative score with accuracy, it would be you. Plus, your Dex modifier has to be horrendous.”

“Ah, um, it is,” Darkness admitted. 

Kazuma threw his hands up in the air. “And we both know your Luck is nearly as bad as Aqua’s! Great. Maybe if we’re lucky, you’ll hit the ground.”

“Next, Master Kazuma Sato,” the announcer called. 

Kazuma picked up his strung bow and sauntered out. They’d placed the targets kinda far, already out to 70 meters, the maximum range Kazuma usually practiced at. That was fine, he could bullseye up to 100 easy, and all the way to 200 if he was feeling really lucky. 

He pulled his string back, squinted a little, then let fly. His arrow thunked neatly into the dead center. Two more followed it, both close enough to make the first quiver. He grinned and sauntered back, waving to the crowd, which cheered him for once. His chance to be the hometown hero. 

“Not bad, for a peasant,” Steit said, swaggering out after Kazuma. Kazuma glared at the bastard, but his first arrow was dead center.  His next two split it. 

“Ok, so Mr. Fancy Pants can shoot,” Kazuma muttered, going back to stand beside Darkness. When her name was called, he sighed and said, “Try not to embarrass us.”

“Insufferable man,” Darkness muttered. Instead of advancing to the mark, she hefted her siege weapon of a bow, and sent a spear sized arrow right through the center of the target, utterly annihilating it. Then she did the same to the targets to either side; a shot straight down the center, which turned both targets into kindling. 

Kazuma could only feel his eyes pop out of his head, even as Alderp’s jaw dropped. Darkness simply stood tall and preened, looking smug for the first time. 

Finally, Kazuma picked his eyeballs up and managed, “How?”

“Most Bloodline archery abilities do indeed depend on Dexterity or Luck,” Darkness said, sounding rather pleased with herself. “Mine, however, is unique. Bolt from the Blue is a Strength-based archery skill. And I think you will find that my Strength stat is among the highest of any alive.”

“And you didn’t think to ever use the bow when we were out questing!? Do you have any idea how many problems that could have solved!?” 

“I, um, do owe you an apology, Kazuma. I, ah…I did not wish-”

“Not the freaking time,” Kazuma growled, forcing down his simmering anger. “Well, at least I know you were trying to throw the match to Baron Fugly.”

“Nor his heir. I am counting on you, Kazuma. I have faith that you truly are the greatest archer in all of Axel. And, perhaps, the realm.”

Even after the crushing blow that was finding out Darkness had been hiding she was actually useful this entire time, having a beautiful woman stroke Kazuma’s ego ignited a fire in him that burned even hotter than his temper. 

“Yeah, well, you just make sure you don’t miss with that oversized stick flinger of yours and I’ll do my part.”

The first round mostly weeded out a few local archers, though Kazuma gave Keith a high five when he managed to just barely eke out a score that would let him advance to the next round. “Damn, I might be able to last one more, but nobles are just built different. Bloodline abilities just aren’t fair, I tell you.”

“It is our blessing, and our burden,” Darkness said solemnly. “We are blessed by the gods, it is true, but because of this, we are required to use our abilities in the defense of our people.”

Keith winced, looking embarrassed. “Oh, uh, sorry, Darkness. I didn’t mean you. Though honestly, I thought your Bloodline ability was being damn near indestructible. Didn’t realize you could shoot down a dragon, too.”

“Yeah. Funny, that,” Kazuma said, glaring at Darkness, who wilted again. 

Unfortunately, both Steit and Kocher easily advanced to the next round. New targets were brought out to replace the ones Darkness had obliterated, along with an admonishment from the judges to “use smaller arrows.” 

“Not her fault if you didn’t build your targets right,” Kazuma said with a snort, though Darkness did start using arrows the size of javelins instead of long spears. 

Keith dropped out after the second round, missing the bullseye twice at 100 meters. Kazuma’s luck was on, so he still made a neat grouping in the center that got full marks. Despite all Kazuma’s fears, Darkness not only hit the bullseye, but proceeded to shatter her first javelin by striking it dead on with her second. That also caused the target to collapse, so she was unable to perform the feat a third time, but Kazuma had a sneaking suspicion she could have.  

This was seriously unfair. Especially since this woman could have done this at any time previously!

After the third round, old Count Schutze nodded to Kazuma. “That’s some fine shootin’ laddie. What sort o’ bow do ye be usin’?” 

“Horn,” Kazuma said. 

“I can see that, what kind o’ horn? Minotaur? Saytr? Hippogryph?”

“Uh, cow? I think? Kazuma said, scratching his head. “Dunno, don’t remember. It was on sale.”

The other archers, who by this point, were all out of towners save Darkness, stared at him in bafflement. 

“That…that can’t be. My bow is made of Leisure Girl Wood, and was sung into existence by elves. Its properties boost my abilities massively. Surely that bow has to have some sort of properties,” Kocher said, squinting at Kazuma’s bow. 

“Uh, mine was made by Hank the Fletcher. Good guy, solid craftsmanship. I’m using his arrows too,” Kazuma said.

“Ahhhh,” the nobles said, nodding. 

“The arrows are obviously specially enchanted,” Steit said, his eyes narrowing. “I suppose that is legal.”

Schultze plucked one of Kazuma’s arrows out of the quiver, and examined it. He grinned, showing he was missing several teeth. “Goosefeather! Not bad make. I’d certainly be happy to issue them to my guardsmen.”

The others all stared at Kazuma. 

“Are you certain he’s an Adventurer?” one that Kazuma hadn’t bothered to learn the name of asked. “Not a Sniper or Deatharrow?”

“Wait, are you making those up, or are they real classes?” Kazuma asked, his eyes narrowing. 

“Lady Dustiness, he’s just pretending to be an idiot, right?” another NPC asked, his voice quavering slightly. 

Darkness smiled and shook her head. “He is as he appears. Kazuma is refreshingly straightforward. And, might I add, very skilled. It was no accident he took down the Destroyer and Beldia both.”

The moved the targets back again for the fourth round, and Kazuma swallowed. “Uh, this might be a small issue, Darkness. I’m not so hot at this range…”

“Have faith, Kazuma. This is the range at which we typically start competitions,” Darkness said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I am certain you can do it.”

“Yeah, uh, one sec.”

Kazuma hurried to the edge of the competitors waiting area, and desperately looked around. Thankfully, there was a beer and pretzel stall not far away, where Aqua was having the time of her life. 

“PSSST! Aqua!” Kazuma hissed. 

“Huh?” Aqua trotted over, holding out a pretzel. “Want one? They’re good!”

“Later! Look, uh, I’m sort of in trouble here. Think you could hook me up with a Divine Blessing that would boost my luck?” Kazuma whispered. 

“Sure, no problem! One super awesome-”

“Not where people can see!” Kazuma hissed. “Make it, you know, not so flashy!” 

“Oooooh. I got it!” Aqua winked at Kazuma. “Don’t worry, Kazuma, I’ve been preparing for just this situation!”

“By day drinking and eating pretzels?”

“Nah, that’s just for fun!” Aqua skipped off, leaving Kazuma to feel nervous. He really needed something to get through this next round. Already, his score was the lowest of the remaining competitors. If he didn’t pick things up, he’d be eliminated for sure.

Once more, Kazuma barely hung on. His second arrow was on the border of the bullseye, while his third actually ended up in the center. Thankfully, another noble got two arrows off center, and was eliminated instead. Kocker and Steit were showing weakness as well, with the two of them hanging out with Kazuma in the bottom of the ranks, both of them having had one arrow miss the mark. In contrast, Darkness was still dominating the entire field, easily bullseyeing all three of her shafts in a tight triangle.

Kazuma glanced over at Alderp, and saw him talking with an aide he hadn’t seen before. He had ashen hair, and wore a pair of old style spectacles and a twin tailed suit that looked vaguely familiar. He nodded to something Alderp said, then a moment later, Alderp called over Steit and Kocher. They handed over their bows to the strange man, who ran his gloved hands over them before passing them back. 

“That son of a bitch is CHEATING!” Kazuma said, pointing to Alderp. “You see that?!”

“I don’t recognize that man with him,” Darkness said, shading her eyes with a hand. “But he appears to be some sort of servant. Still…perhaps we should call for the priests?”

“Yeah, because if that fucker is cheating, we-”

“Hey everyone! Have you ever seen a magic trick like this?!”

“Oh no,” Kazuma groaned, as the crowd’s eyes were drawn to a pair of figures that had just entered the arena. A raucous noise began, and Count Schutze let out a whoop. “Where the hell did she get bagpipes!? Or a unicycle?!”

“And what is Chris doing with Aqua?” Darkness said, sounding baffled. 

Indeed, Aqua had just appeared, riding on a unicycle while playing the bagpipes, with Chris balanced on her shoulders, and for some reason, juggling a dozen gleaming silver daggers. The crowd applauded and cheered, though Alderp looked like he was about to have an apoplexy. So maybe it was worth it after all. 

Circling the field, Aqua played “Entrance of the Gladiators.” Which, contrary to what you might be thinking, is the “Circus Music,” not some bombastic orchestral number. All the while, Chris added more and more daggers to her display, much to the crowd’s delight. The paused at the center, Aqua moving the unicycle back and forth to stay upright. She tossed the bagpipe into the air, and it burst into a dozen snow white doves, which fluttered about to the crowd’s delight. 

“The God’s Blessing on this Wonderful Tournament, and to the Goddess’ champions!” Aqua declared. 

“And may you all find joy and love on this day!” Chris added. She suddenly spread her arms, and the daggers flew high into the air, before exploding into a shower of silver coins, which rained down over the lower boxes to the delight of the townsfolk. 

“Huh. Didn’t know Chris did magic tricks. Since when do she and Aqua hang out?” Kazuma pondered, rubbing his chin.

“I don’t-” Darkness began, before two doves, each bearing a coin, landed on both Kazuma’s and Darkness’ head. They dropped the coins into their astonished perche’s hands, then burst into a shower of glowing water. 

“Ack!” Kazuma cried, expecting to get soaked, but nothing happened. 

“Wow, it STINKS here. Did you keep pigs here before you started the archery contest?” Aqua opined loudly, now circling with her unicycle again. 

“GET THEM OUT OF HERE!” Alderp bellowed furiously, and soldiers rushed the field. 

“AHHHH! KAZUMA, HELLLLLLP!” Aqua wailed, then began pedaling furiously, Chris clinging to her desperately. Apparently, Chris didn’t realize that her struggles to stay on had resulted in her clamping her hands over Aqua’s eyes, which meant her frantic peddling was now entirely without direction. The two of them somehow managed to jump the fence after riding up a  conveniently placed plank, before vanishing into the laughing crowd, Chris screaming, “SENPAI, SENPAI SLOW DOWN! AHHH SLOW DOWN!”

“That was…weird,” Kazuma said, looking down at his hands. He felt…different. Lighter. Luckier. Like he could shot his bow backwards. 

“Kazuma…” A heavy hand fell on Kazuma’s shoulder, and he felt all his hairs stand up. “You put Aqua up to that, didn’t you?”

“I mean, I didn’t tell her to show up with a unicycle and a bagpipe…” Kazuma protested weakly. 

“I told you not to endanger our endeavour,” Darkness growled. 

“Look, I had to do SOMETHING! They’re dropping the lowest scorer each round, and I’m in dead last right now!” Kazuma said, his tone pleading. “Besides, I read the rules! We’re good!” 

“Kazuma, I swear-”

“Now, at 250 meters, Kazuma Sato!” the herald shouted. 

“Look, we’re good, trust me!” Kazuma said, stepping up to the line. 

The crowd went wild, with cheers of “KA-ZU-MA! KA-ZU-MA!” He waved to them, grinning widely. See who they liked now? He was the last Adventurer on the roster, and clearly the local favorite. He casually fired off three arrows. The first took the bullseye in dead center. The next split the first, and the final arrow bisected both. He grinned and winked at Darkness, though he didn’t miss the frown from Alderp, or him calling over the judge and one of the priests to have an angry conversation. 

Next came Schutze, who hit the center once, but got two arrows just off center. Kocher and Steit, on the other hand, nearly repeated Kazuma’s performance, with their arrows dead center. 

Darkness stepped up, and there were wild cheers from one particular individual. “HOUSE DUSTINESS!” Iris cried, waving a yellow pennant furiously. The other nobles seemed scandalized, Kazuma had a feeling royalty weren't supposed to be so obviously biased, but the princess was rather young, and Darkness was, after all, her close relation. 

Darkness gave a shy wave in Iris’ direction, which only redoubled the cheers. Then she pulled back her string and let fly. It looked like a cruise missile had just hit the target. The resulting explosion left a massive crater, completely annihilating the target. 

“DISQUALIFIED!” Alderp ranted standing up. “SHE’S USING ENHANCEMENT MAGIC!” 

The judges hurried over, and Kazuma felt sweat bead on his forehead. He’d wanted Aqua to bless them, but that…

Darkness’ bow was taken and inspected, and her Adventurer’s card was produced. Kazuma shouldered his way in. “Hey, if you’re going to inspect her card, you’d damn well better check EVERYONE’S!” 

“You have no right to demand that!” Alderp snarled, pointing a flabby, jewel-encrusted finger at Kazuma.

“No, he does not. But I do!” Iris piped up, the crowd parting for her. “If Cousin Tina is to be inspected, then I order that all participants must be as well!”

Despite Alderp’s weak protests, the priests and judges hastily complied with the princess’ orders, taking Kazuma’s bow and card. 

“Ha, there IS enhancement magic!” Alderp said when Darkness’ bow glowed blue and silver upon close inspection. “And see here, there’s magic on her card too!” 

Indeed, there were now two buffs indicated that hadn’t been there before: Fortune’s Favored, and Strength of Waters. Kazuma’s turned out to have the same, and his bow reacted to the Spell Break, though it couldn’t dislodge the spell.

“Well, the thing is, Baron…that’s perfectly legal,” Kazuma said smugly, folding his arms and smirking. 

“All Enhancement Magic is illegal!” Alderp growled, pointing a finger at Darkness. “Which means, Lalatina, you’re mine!” 

“Ah, your lordship…that is legal magic,” the elder priest said, shaking his head. 

“What?! How can you say that!? It wasn’t there earlier!” Alderp growled. “It’s Enhancement Magic!” 

“Well, not properly, no,” the priest said. “It’s a Divine Blessing. Similar to a Bloodline Ability, as it is granted by the gods. As such, it’s allowed.”’

“WHAT?!” 

The Big Book of Rules was hauled out, and combed over thoroughly. But Kazuma knew what they’d find. 

“...and so, while a blessing performed by a priest or cleric IS disallowed, blessings from the gods themselves are EXPLICITLY allowed under Section G, Subsection 16a, paragraph 22,” the high judge stated. “Lady Dustiness and her retainer are favored of both our Beloved Lady Eris…and some other god.”

“HEY!” Kazuma said, sticking his finger under the man’s nose and making him flinch back. “You say Aqua’s name with RESPECT!” 

“Well, it probably is that minor, unimportant goddess,” the priest sniffed. 

“Bishop Niblig…I suggest you be more kind to Lady Aqua, who is indeed a senior goddess,” Darkness said, her tone severe. “As a Crusader, it is my duty to uphold respect to ALL the gods. Even, and especially, those with more minor cults.”

“As you say, Lady Dustiness. Yes, yes, Strength of Waters is the blessing of the Most Holy and Sacred Lady Aqua, Goddess of Water and Party Tricks.”

Darkness glowered at the man, but Kazuma put a hand on her arm. “No, no. He’s right about that one.”

“That said…” the man turned to Kocher and Steit, who were looking very pale, and covered in chains. “Infernal Curses, while not STRICTLY forbidden by the rules, ARE considered Heresy!”

“I-I swear, Bishop, I have no idea how those ended up there!” Steit protested. 

“Perhaps they, er, originated from the field of battle, when we vanquished a few demons?” Kocher offered lamely. 

Both Steit and Kocher’s bows had been discovered to be Cursed by black magic that ensured their arrows would always hit, and slay, whatever target they were pointed at. The bows hadn’t been inspected earlier, which Kazuma figured was a big fat flaw in the whole thing. 

“Do you swear that you did not know that the bows were cursed?” the priest demanded, holding up a bell. Kazuma recognized that from his trial. The damn thing dinged whenever it went off. 

“We swear!” Kocher and Steit said. “We had no idea they were cursed!” 

The bell remained silent. 

“And you have had no dealings with demons?” the priest pressed. 

“We swear, no dealing with demons!” 

Again, silent. Darn. 

“Very well. The curse will be removed, but these bows are seized as evidence for now. You will have to compete with regular bows now,” the priest said firmly. 

“What!? This is outrageous! My bow is a sacred family heirloom!” Steit protested. 

“She’ll have an unfair advantage!” Kocher said, pointing at Darkness. 

“I agree, the tournament will have to be canceled, and the bet off,” Alderp huffed. 

“Hey wait a minute! What if we all agree to use regular bows? That would be fair, right?” Kazuma asked. 

“Don’t be stupid,” Alderp sneered, “of course it wouldn’t-”

“I think that is an excellent idea!” Iris piped up, making Alderp wince visibly. “Do you have a source of bows, Master Kazuma?”

“Yo, Hank, you got four spare bows?” Kazuma shouted towards a man with a stand not far away. 

Hank, who was a tall, thin man with a receding hairline grinned widely. He’d set up his stall right by the archery competition and, ever since word had got out that one of the contestants had been using one of his bows, had done a roaring trade. “Well, I expect I do, Kazuma. For a small fee, of course.”

A few minutes later, four brand new bows, one horn for Kazuma, an ash bow for Kocher, hickory for Steit, and a giant yew long bow for Darkness, were produced and inspected. 

“They are free of any enhancement magic, and are of ordinary but good craftsmanship,” the judge declared. 

A new target was set up all the way at 300 meters. Kocher and Steit, to their credit, did manage to hit the target. Kocher even got one bullseye, and another in the inner ring, which Steit simply got all of hers in the outer rings.

Kazuma, however, got all three dead center. Darkness, to the crowd's delight, split her arrows like a damn genderbent Robin Hood. 

“We could have another round, you know, just to see which is better between the two of us,” Kazuma said, even as the crowd cheered and Iris jumped up and down and squealed in delight. 

“Bah! Take your damn prize and begone with you!” Alderp snarled, waving his arms in a brusque motion. 

“The orphanage and Kazuma’s debt to you are canceled?” Darkness said, meeting Alderp’s eyes. 

“Yes, yes, FINE! They are forgiven. You win, Lalatina. But I won’t forget this,” Alderp said. “And I will bring up negotiations with your father again. Your family is still indebted to mine, and I WILL collect!” 

Kazuma opened his mouth, but Darkness touched his shoulder. “This is victory enough this day. Come, Kazuma. I believe someone wishes to congratulate us.”

Iris was vibrating with glee, and Kazuma thought she was going to leap the barrier. Instead, she grandly produced two crowns of woven wildflowers. “Champions! Step forth!” 

Both Kazuma and Darkness went to kneel before the princess, who placed the wreaths upon their heads. “I name thee both, Grand Champions of the Bow! Arise, and be recognized!”

The crowd applauded wildly, even as Alderp stomped off. Kazuma noted that Walter, the baron's son, had not departed, and indeed, hurried over to Kazuma and Darkness. 

“Congratulations, Champions, and your performance. Please, take this token from my father, and forgive his ill manners,” Walter said, then presented them with a not inconsiderable bag of eris. “That was a magnificent performance from you both.”

“Just don’t think you can get in sweet with Darkness,” Kazuma growled at the man. 

“I, I had thought no such thing! Truly, I think my father overreaches. My family is one that purchased their writ of nobility only a decade ago, while the Dustiness Family is one of the oldest and most prestigious in the realm!” Walter said, and bowed to first Iris, and then Darkness. “Please, you are invited to the high table for lunch, and our box for the joust this afternoon.”

“Yeah, thanks pal, but-” Kazuma began, then cut himself off and glanced at Darkness, and gritted his teeth.

“I will be taking a private meal with my royal cousin, Walter. Thank you. We shall join you for the joust,” Darkness said.

Bowing, Walter retreated, leaving Darkness alone with the Princess’ party and Kazuma. 

“Yes, we simply must have a private meal!” Iris said excitedly. 

“I’ve arranged something already, highness,” another woman, this one in a blue bonnet and dress, said with a curtsy. She looked like a governess, which made sense, given Iris’ age.

“Oh no, I insist we dine at the establishment Cousin Tina has mentioned so often!” Iris said eagerly. “We simply must dine at the guildhall! I wish to try the fried toadlegs and coleslaw!”

“Uh, that is somewhat lower dining than you are used to, Highness,” Claire said, looking concerned. 

“Nonsense! If it is good enough for Cousin Tina, it’s good enough for me!” Iris pronounced. “Come! I wish to see the town.”

To Kazuma’s shock, Iris grabbed his hand and Darkness’, and led them away. As they went, he frowned in the direction of Alderp. Something was up. How had those bows gotten cursed? He didn’t buy the story. He’d get to the bottom of this.

…after he had lunch and got some answers out of Darkness.