SpanishRed

How to Attend Your First Munch

Munches are peaceful, nonsexual events where kinksters can talk about their careers, hobbies, and how to fuck a slave with a pineapple and other miscellaneous fruit without causing a yeast infection. This is how you do it:

• Find a munch by perusing the events in your area.

• Check the list of attendees to see if someone you don’t want to see might be going, especially that asshole who sent you an 800-word piece of smut about “stuff I want to do to your sphincter....

  2024-04-27 04:45:53 +0000 UTC View Post

Complaint Letter For My Freemium Miracle Body

To whom it may concern

I’ve given your Freemium Miracle Body™ a four-decade trial and am returning it for replacement. Its only consistent talent its ability to grow cellulite out of fresh air. I admit that it excels at eating chocolate, but don’t start telling me that has anything to do with the cellulite because it fucking doesn’t.

Your website said Miracle Body™ was superior to the male model because it could walk through a kitchen without ge...

I waded through a lot of muck to find my people, but they were in the kink scene all along

I joined Fetlife to hide behind these black and red pixels while I tried to understand my past. Kink was worthy of shame and thus could not be shared. I knew I was sick. I just didn’t know how to recover, and so I read post after post in an effort to figure out what had gone wrong in my first BDSM relationship.

I saw blood. I saw scars. I saw many terrifying things. What I didn’t see was someone who could explain the cracks in my history. I waded through a lot of muck ...

A Request for the Truth is Not a Promise that I'll Appreciate that Truth

Some years back, I received a message from a man who wanted me to become his insta-sub. I was to quit my job and take him and his slaves on an all-expenses-paid trip around the world. Guess which of us would be doing the paying. Of course, he (let’s call him Frank) added the prerequisite brag about his sexual skills as well. He had “extra potent cum” with magical bonding properties, so he didn’t need safewords or hard limits. He just discovered them in the psychic ether.

This ki...

The Real Problem

Scientific Facts About Sadists

• Sadists are made up of barbed wire, black T-shirts, and the buds of the Sexy As Fuck fern.

• If a sadist is not wearing the requisite black T-shirt, he’s giving you permission to wrap fairy lights around his balls and light them up like Christmas trees.

• Sadists have two kinds of mating calls:

--a) “Oh, you think I won’t do that to you, Sweetheart? Juss watch me.”
--b) Is this okay? You know I love you, right, baby? Fuck! That was ...

Some people think the kink scene is evil. Some people think it’s sacred. I think it’s both.

The first time I found kink, I felt more and more like the world’s only freak.

I was sick.
Just sick.
It was lonely. It was confusing.

The problem was BDSM felt like home. I knew I’d changed, but I thought that was a bad thing. It had to be.

I spent a month hunting the internet trying to figure out what kind of sickness I had, and that’s when I found Fetlife.

Within months, I noticed for the first time that I no longer felt ashamed and alone. It had snuck u...

Sluttiness is really just defined as “having extra fun.” If you think it's ugly, maybe this isn't your tribe.

This is the kink scene. Sex positivity is sacred ‘round these parts. We don’t shame people for having 300 notches on their bedposts, and we don’t refer to STI status as “clean” or “unclean”. We don’t put a discount on your value for having an orgy or letting women stick pencils in your penis.

These are the customs of this website. Not everyone follows them, but the locals understand that your kink isn’t my kink and that’s okay. It’s our own little idiom, and it’s...

So you think you’re smart? Congratulations, I guess, but are you kind?

I hate pseudointellectuals even more than I hate dudebros, and that’s saying something. Back in the Nineties, an academic named Andrew Buljak felt the same way, so he decided to build The Postmodern Generator -- a tool that generates meaningless text out of academic language. The goal? To prove that pseudointellectuals were nothing but posers who would feign knowledge even if they were commenting on randomised...

A Note About the Grammar Police

It’s only buyer’s remorse if you willingly bought the product, walked out of the store happily with it, then decided a week later you didn’t want it

If you experience a consent violation, someone will accuse you of buyer’s remorse.

It’s only buyer’s remorse if you willingly bought the product, walked out of the store happily with it, and then decided a week later that you didn’t want to buy it at all.

If you pick the thing off the shelf, decide you don’t want it, try to put it back, and then the shopkeeper runs after you throwing it in your basket every time you remove it, that’s not buyer’s remorse...

Survival

Things You Should Know About Subs

• Not all subs are masochists. Not all masochists are subs. If you can’t grasp that, you will make a thousand harmful mistakes. You need a full picture of your play partners, not just a list of nopes, so please stop expecting masochists to submit and subs to take pain. If you need a masochist, don’t go forth and find a sub.

• Consent is more than just a list of limits. It’s an understanding of where your bottom is coming from, what calls to them, and where they hope t...

  2024-04-20 05:46:09 +0000 UTC View Post

The path of least resistance rarely leads to embroidery time… or doggo time… or beach time. No. It leads to whining Karen time… and dudebro incel time

I was born a natural sprinter. I will now stop writing for a second so you can piss yourself laughing. Done? Good. When I started primary school, I was behind the entire class with writing. Yes, writing. I had to walk over yuuuge letters drawn on a carpet to learn which way they went, but damn, could I run. If you put me on a track, I did my best, and if I did my best, I won the race. I hated every minute of it. One day, at the tender age of 10, I realised I didn’t have to run fast. In fact...

Open Letter from a Dude Who Thinks Men Have it Worse than Literally Everyone Else

Dear SpanishRed

I've come to your inbox to inform you that men have harder lives than women. We’re so damaged by our privilege that there's even a Wikipedia post about it. F'rinstance, did you know that men hardly ever get The Sex? <Insert Wikipedia link with 6, 000 citations that suggest the opposite of what I just said.>

What's that you say? My Wikipedia page doesn't say what I thought it said? Okay, so maybe I didn't read it. I mainly just atta...

Submission wants to give. It needs to say “yes”, but sometimes, it works better when you say “no.”

As a fledgling kinkster, I thought BDSM gave me three options:

• To be a sub

• To be a dom

• To be a switch.

That little list was the source of my undoing. I believed that if I leaned towards the right side of the slash, I had two choices:

• To be myself

• To become someone I was not in order to provide absolute subservience.

Submission’s natural state is pliant, so learning to say “no” has ta...

You Can't Order My Submission from Temu

South Africa finally got Temu. This means there are 60 million new people in the world who can pay bargain basement prices for products that are even worse than bargain basement crap. Africans need terrible products, too, you know, so the entire country is Temu-obsessed right now. I expect the craze to last approximately two weeks since this is how long it will take for us to receive our first deliveries.

Submission is a lot like Temu. You can certainly acquire a ready-made, one-size-fi...

Nice Guys

If You Think There Are No Real Women on Fetlife

As a serial monogamist, my BDSM body count is… oh… just a tiny bit smaller than most. Even I have a BDSM body count, though, even though there are no real women on Fetlife. I’ve met more Fetlifian men than I can recall. We’ve done lunch, rope, and a thousand impact scenes in between, but I’m not a real woman on Fetlife, because there is no such thing.

If you identify as a woman, you are automatically “not real.” All that typing you’re doing was rendered by ChatGPT. You�...

Black Lives Matter

I'll Take Permanence

Bachelorette

I’m a perpetual bachelor. If a man ever convinces me to cohabitate, he will be made of magic and miracles, because nothing else will get me to live under his roof. I won’t judge you for choosing marriage, but it’s a terrible choice for me. If there’s one thing I value, it’s solitude. I’m fatally introverted, and constant company exhausts me.

I don’t care if a man squeezes from the bottom of the toothpaste tube or leaves hair in the sink because tomorrow he’l...

Things You Should Probably Know Before You Date Me

I tell fallen items they’re assholes before I pick them up. Then I tell them not to do it again.

You think I’m trying to be funny. I’m not. Science suggests that if you tell something not to fall again, it’s 56% less likely to fall again because I’m very, very scary.

I put important things in places I’d never imagine putting them in so I won’t forget where they are. I’ll bet you can figure out how that turns out.

I stop and say “hi” to every dog on the be...

There Are Plenty of Fish in the Sea

There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are angelfish who look like Tom Hardy and starfish who look like Taye Diggs. There’s The Great Barrier Reef where all the poets live and The Great Blue Hole for the well-read. Yessir, there are a lot of fish in the sea.

There’s Blue Corner Wall where the Mensa Men gather with their homiletics textbooks and where great white sharks sniff out their next meal – I mean girlfriend. This is a vast sea. There’s plenty of room for ...

You Just Can't Get it Right

When Rape Survivors Don't Go to the Police

Not prosecuting your rape leaves your world eerily off kilter; as though the universe’s natural balance has been kicked out of position. You hold information that’s precious to every person your rapist comes into contact with, and you’re pissing it away as though it’s so much uselessness. Is the next assault your fault? It’s difficult to see it any other way, even though your rational mind screams otherwise.

Inaction haunts many of us for the rest of our lives, so I assure you...

If you’re advising all survivors to prosecute, it’s a sure sign that you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Not so long ago, my neighbour discovered a leopard toad living in her drain. She was a compassionate animal lover, so she gathered up the toad and took him to Toad Land: the wetlands down the road. Speaking to a friend later that day, she learned that leopard toads only congregate around water during breeding time. Then they move onto dry land. All she’d done by “rescuing” the toad was disorient him and double the length of his journey.

The same principle applies to advising rape ...

Some people aren't blessed with brains

Privilege

Stop Asking Women to Rescue the Male Gender

My mother taught me to attach my own damned plugs. She showed me how to change a tyre, chop an onion, and read a map. Independence was everything in my childhood home, so if you were stuck, it was up to you to get unstuck.

I don't remember how to change a plug, but I do remember how to choose more actions than complaints. If I see a cause that needs support, I support it. If an NGO exists for it, I volunteer. If an NGO doesn't exist, I do what I can to bri...