ideotvpod

Friends-Only Episode 33: Stay Out of Riverdale!

Like a blast from the past, except EXCRUCIATINGLY up-to-date, it's the strangely joke-adjacent (and troublingly sexed-up) stylings of Archie Comics.  Bring your highest tolerance for very, very thin hijinks and prepare to earn one (1) gold doubloon should you be able to spot even one sentence NOT ending with an exclamation point or a question mark.  (Don't get excited.  You're not gonna find one.)

Old cartoonists and Pearl Jam come in for a little bit of ribbin...

Friends-Only Episode 31: T R U C K S

This episode it's time to change gears (which is important to do now and again, if you want to be able to be around for the long haul), as we head out on the highway only to discover that the Stephen King short story Trucks is a long, long way to go to get to the diner.

And then once we're in the diner, we need to find a way out, except there's something that doesn't want to let us leave, and that thing is ... yeah, you guessed it, it's trucks.  Trucks that can ...

Friends-Only Episode 32: Don't Get Mad (seriously, buy a comic book or something)

Welcome back our friends to the show that never ends, we're so glad you could attend step inside, step inside ... and enjoy or maybe endure the repackaging of Mad Magazine's "greatest" "hits" of holiday-themed semi-humor, as selected by somebody with a deep appreciation for catalog parodies and a staunch opposition to a, ah, shall we say, unsophisticated view might consider to constitute "political correctness".  Safe to say that this is one stocking stuffer that can just plain get stuff...

Friends-Only Episode 30: Everybody M*sturbates

Fresh off our wrestling match with Spy Killer, we return to H*bbard's cupboard to see what he wrote when he wrote for himself and ... oh.  OH.  Oh that's what he wrote about.

To take the sting out of the sheer lashing whirlwind of weirdness we encounter on this mission, we employ our full complement of compensatory technologies, including:

• Digressions
• Interruptions
• Tangents
• Words that have, evidently, somewhat worn out their ...
  2018-11-30 03:16:11 +0000 UTC View Post

The Maze Runner Bars (Freestyle)

As mentioned during the episode, I spent a lot of my time reading this book thinking of words that rhymed with "Maze Runner". I awkwardly talk-rapped a few of them. MANY MANY PEOPLE (by which I mean "Clsn") told me I had to record this for real.

As a lot of you know, SF currently has the worst air quality in the world, so I'm pretty much sequestered inside, and incredibly bored. So last night I made a little beat, opened up my notebook, and recorded the entirety of the 32-ish bars I wrote...

Bonus Content - "No More Mac And Cheese (The Rapping Cookbook)"

So, sometimes we post things for everybody -- not just donors -- and lord knows this is the perfect candidate for that. At our last recording session, Collision brought a weird remnant of 1980's bachelor culture entitled "No More Mac and Cheese -- A Bachelor's Guide to Cooking With Ease".

After pointing out to J. W. that the entire thing rhymed, and that the author claims on the first page that all recipes may be set to "Rap" music (scare quotes and all), a path became clear. We'd have to offe...

Friends-Only Episode 29: Grip It...RIP It

A freight train of shame straight from Clsn's high-school shoplifting years, it's a few dozen pages of hair, guitars, posturing, hair, hair, more hair, and, mainly hair.  More straight-edge personages than you'd think show up to help out, and more than one ancient visual crushes pays a visit to make us think hard about who we are and where we came from.

We heard your cries, and we honored them: this episode is an unassailable return to the halcyon days of J. and Clsn in a room together, j...

Friends-Only Episode 28: THE IDEOTV Split 10"

Our boldest bonus episode yet, a veritable double album of delight, delivered!  THRILL to Clsn's intriguing invocation of a new cinematic universe.  CHILL to J.'s enervating exploration of our hidden world and some of the higher-profile critters nestled in its crevasses.  It's probably the best thing we've ever done, and it's definitely more evidence that there's only one podcast anywhere that truly loves you, and that podcast answers to the name "IDEOTVPod".

(P.S. As mentioned ...

Bonus Reading (Zero-Effort) REMIX

Oh god I'm so sorry.

Bonus Episode 114.1: (The) Horse of (the) Daughter of (the) Blood

Bonus reading!  Sorry about the room noise and the inappropriate degree of fun I had saying "mounted" and "dismounted" and please enjoy the song I want to be in every episode having swords, sorcerers, or lace shirts, and please forgive me for continually forgetting what I was trying to do voicewise for who.  In my defense, my throat hurts a little bit today.  My voice is a bit of a pony situation, in that IT'S A LITTLE HO(A)RSE!

Friends-Only Episode 27: Tiny Portions of Giant Robots

When there's no more room on the video store's shelves, pseudo-sequels will stalk the Earth, and since there aren't hardly any video stores anymore...it's time for us to (watch) Crash and Burn.

No, it's lamentably not a mismatched-buddy picture about a pair of reluctant pals thrown together by circumstance and forced to crack cases, as the sun rises on Simon "Crash" Chrank, a sloppy, ramshackle forensic accountant with a penchant for go-kart racing on the weekends and Dottie "Burn" Si...

Friends-Only Episode No. 26: Wham, Bam, Thank You, Fang(o)!

When there's no more room on the shelf, the drippy pages of FANGORIA come to IDEOTV!  Eldritch glows abound, eerie sounds multiply, and gouts of gore appear like fountains at the Bellagio pumping out the red stuff...and on top of it all is basically an industry gossip magazine from early 1987.  If you want to know what keeps the creators of the Freddy Kreuger franchise going, this issue will explain it all!  If you like lavishly illustrated magazines...well, you're going to have t...

Friends-Only Episode 25: Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires, but Only They Can Stop Crime

Normally, we focus on making a comedy show about bad books, but when we found this lost tale of action and bonding, we knew only one medium was powerful enough to contain and convey its potent imagery, ribald potency, and imagistic ribaldry, and that medium was the hip, cutting-edge medium of the radio play.

Pick your meme: greatest crossover in history; name a more iconic duo; you got your gritty crime-fighting in my...gritty crime-fighting.  This story has it ALL: sex, violen...

Shaq's About to Eat Five Gyros -- Contest Submissions

From humble acorns spring thickly rooted oaks, so they say, so one can only imagine what would spring from a prompt as unhumble as "Shaq is about to eat five gyros."

Or, anyway, one could only imagine it BEFORE OUR CONTEST!!!

Now may you recline, loftily shaded beneath the profound fruits of our listeners' frank genius.  Thrill to a dozen and a half readings!  Form your own opinions about what's good -- or great.  Gird loins and bid your loved ones farewell, for now comes ...

Friends-Only Episode 24: We and the Boys Gonna Have Some Fun

Somebody sent it to us, so here we are again, on another adventure with, sigh, the Hardy Boys.  This time around, we're racking up the frequent flier miles on a quest to find some gold, get our dads out of danger, and maybe, just maybe, stave off, uh, thermonuclear war?  It's not entirely clear.  But what IS clear is that when Frank and Joe Hardy are on the case, Clsn & J. can't be far behind!  So check your luggage, check your tent for snakes, check your privilege, check...

Friends-Only Episode 23: When Sucking Is ... Good!

So it's come to this.  Our latest-ever friends-only episode ever -- sorry! -- has us hopping more than a man making IPAs and hoping you'll prick up your ears and enjoy our happiest, gothiest piece of work to date.  Flopsy's got dropsy, Mopsy's gone to Poughkeepsie, and Cottontail, well, it's just best not to ask what happened to ol' Cottontail.  Anyway, pull the door shut against the storm that rages outside and thrill to the chilling horripilation in this harrowing narrative of a...

Bonus Song # 20 (Friends-Only).1 -- WHISKEY OUTPOST

Further to our passion project of discussing Starship Troopers, I thought it might be fun to share my college band's one song that I (think I) can share without making everybody hashtag shake their dang heads at me too hard.  Anyway, straight from the unimpeachable punk rock paradigm of naming houses, please enjoy this ode to the house the singer and drummer lived in, the Whiskey Outpost.

Bonus Dramatic Reading # 101.2 -- Mainframe Status = HYPER-HACKED!!

It's the gifts that keep on giving, it's writers talking about technology and it's the Girl with Tattoos!

I'm sorry, gang: merch/gifts/other will go out in the next two weeks

Hi, all --

I apologize to everybody who's been waiting on me (Clsn) to drop something in the mail, whether it's a bonus or whatever else.  

I am shooting to get caught up and get everything out this weekend, but by next weekend at the very, very latest.  It's totally my fault, and I am very sorry.

-Clsn, who will be riding the crab to the Post Office very, very soon

Bonus Dramatic Reading # 103.1 -- Atomic Nightmares of the Old Testament

Hard to believe, but there actually were parts of the Bible Code we didn't quite get to, including this amazing little nugget, which combines my two favorite flavors: EXTREMELY METAL and PUNCTILIOUS CITATIONS

Bonus #102.1 -- Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Illuminati that Controls Rap Music

Greetings, friends! Just a little bonus content for your ears -- it's J. reading another one of his award-winning short stories, and in this case it's a gritty, teen-focused reboot of the "Encyclopedia Brown" stories as written by a man in his 50's who doesn't actually like or understand any of the things that kids actually enjoy.

HAVE FUN, and thanks for being a patron / friend.

Friends-Only Episode 22: Science, Hard.

It's finally time -- time to drop into the past and check in on a couple writers present in Analog Science Fiction and Fact, circa May of 1986, when science fiction was hard, and cover art was, at least, freaking awesome.  We get deep into Roger Allen MacBride's "Phreak Encounter" and since we couldn't find a copy of Rob Chilson's "Brain in a Pocket", we settle for "Veteran of Foreign Wars", and we have one sw...

Bonus Dramatic Reading # 101.1 -- That Name Again Is Mister Slow

This time around, we're going back into the Underthing to get a sense of what magic truly is, in case you needed any more proof that I'm so enthusiastic about The Slow Regard of Silent Things that some wags have taken to calling me MISTER Slow.

NOTE: Sounds's not the best, sorry.  Still trying to dial in my setup.

BONUS DRAMATIC READING #100.1 -- The Girl Who Shopped At IKEA

Hey there, folks. It's J, checking in with a special bonus reading for anybody who has donated at any level. As mentioned during the last show about Stieg Larsson's "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo", I inadvertently read the sequel before the original, and was very disappointed to discover that the piece I was very excited to choose as my dramatic reading was not, in fact, in the book we reviewed.

The piece I was so stoked to read, and so disappointed when i did not get the opportunity to do s...

Friends-Only Episode 21: BREAKING: The News

What's the difference between a hand-washed hangman's tool and the topic of this episode?  Well, one is a weakly whirled noose, and the other is the !

In the days before email forwards and widely available tools for disseminating lies in order to enrich criminals defrauding upset people desperate to blame somebody for feeling upset, because it simply seems outside the realm of the imaginable that they might someday feel better without taking something away from someone else, we h...

Friends-Only Episode 20: Starship Troopers

This episode CRAWLS -- crawls with LAUGHS, that is!  Fresh off us mentioning Starship Troopers and somebody suggesting we watch it, we sit down with two-plus hours of prime Paul Verhoeven.  Sassy takes on the US of A, gratuitous nudity that's probably also on some level a sassy take on the US of A, paper-flat acting that -- you guessed it -- is probably on some level a sassy take on the US of A, and a whole lot of gut-splattering violence that we absolutely guarantee is a sassy, satiri...

Friends-Only Episode 19: Statler and Waldorf Tread the Boards (aka "Art is Hard")

Those who can, do.  Those who mock, also do.  This time around, we're bringing you straight into our kitchens and showing you what happens when the ruthless readers ... write.  Time for wisdom, whimsy, prose, and more poems than you might expect.  Or want.

Friends-Only Episode 18: It's Getting Cold in Here!

The Boz is the feeling now

Fever temperatures rising now

Power ah power

is the force the vow

That makes it happen

It asks no questions why ooh

So get closer closer now

to my body now

Just love Boz

till you don't know how ooh

Keep on

with The Boz don't stop

Don't stop till you get enough

Keep on

with the force don't stop

Don't stop till you get The Boz

Keep on

with the force don't stop

Don't st...

Friends-Only Episode 17: Let's Cyber!

Long-awaited episode here, as we finally sit down with a slim artifact sent to us by the golden Brian Fakelastname -- Cyber Jokes: The Funniest Stuff on the Internet, Doug Meyer, ed.  Are knees slapped?  Are ribs tickled?  Are guts busted?

The only way to know is to grab your free AOL disk, spin it into your Dell, and get ready to boldly surf where no humorists have surfed before: the list-lapped shores of second-tier Letterman jokes.  Set phasers to "irritate" and...

Friends-Only Episode 16: Extremism

Nothing can prepare you for the thrills of op(eration)s on display here -- from non-standard uses of rail to intense enthusiasms about the implements of digital photography, there are ops (that's short for "operations") that you are simply not prepared to endure.  Unless you have, very recently, turbo-slammed a multi-liter of The Dew, of course.

So strap into whatever clothes you like best for snow times, dirt tracks, and water sports and gird your extremities, because you woul...