endlessjess

Atreus sucks - God of War Ragnarok part 5

And I thought rowing was bad. Let me tell ya something, rowing is a party compared to Atreus slowly walking through a town, slowly climbing a wall, slowly riding an elevator, slowly riding a big moo cow through another town, slowly walking around viking hogwarts and slowly putting me in a coma.

I've had more fun waiting to get off an airplane, literally, just this morning. My airplane coke was 4 dollars by the way, and when I got off the first ham sanwich I grabbed was 20 dollars. Still...

Firewatch Part 4 - Hiking Even More

I don't even know what I'm doing in this game anymore. I've had more adventures wandering around an actual forest than the one in this fake ass game. I've seen more fires at a damn water park. I've heard more exciting stories from a burnt book. 

I hope you enjoy the genre of me suffering through walking simulators as much as I don't enjoy playing them. Please let it be worth something. Between this, Layers of Fear, Visage, Gone Home, and Soma i've done more walking in bad games tha...

No More Heroes 3 Part 11 - Poopy Problems

It's time to find my cat. 

Where the hell is she at?

Is she sitting, is she shitting, is she pissing where she shat?

Is she scratching, is she hatching up another crooked scheme

it she sneaking, is she creeping, is she peepin my scene

she's my poopy cat

my stupid poopy kitty

she's so cute until she toots

and then her ass is fucking shitty

Okay that's enough of that I will not allow this entire post to be... whatever that wa...

Evil Within - Scary Place

It's a double dose of spooky scary. Back to Back boo! You've seen the Evil Residents now see the Evils Within. 

This is the scariest part of the game but not scary like scary scary, i mean scary like hairy scary, as in things are getting hairy in here, harry. That's Harry from Silent Hill not from Harry Potter, I think we're not supposed to talk about that anymore. Not that i care cause Harry Potter sucks anyway, and also that has nothing to do with what i'm talking about so neverm...

RE8 Bozo Attack

That's right I'm bringing back this one, complete with everyone's favorite big fucking fat-tittied vampire slag. I don't remember what happens in this one but i'm pretty sure it's hilarious. 

All i know is this episode has bozos by the buttload bumbling around the butt-dungeon, and i'm here to blast em full of buck shot and watch their bloody brains get blown all over the brick wall of the big booby bitch's bungalow basement. That was a lot of assey alliteration, i apologize. ...

No More Heroes 3 Part 10: Don't Forget Your Dead Homies

You're getting a lot of No More Heroes this month because i just got done putting the polish on a 9 hour chunk of footage and i'd like this series to be completed sometime in the next century or three.

Now that we're finished with that detour into two episodes i forgot to post, we resume Travis's cool adventure back in the present, on his way to do battle with the best named boss in the game, Sniping Lee. It's a long way to get there, but surely he'll be worth it. With a name like that ...

Forza Horizon 5

Okay, climb up into the treehouse, bring some sodey pop and butefingers, and gather around the N64 cause it's Boy's Time. Time for boy stuff. Things that girl's will never understand. Things like a cool new RACING GAME. Technically this one is not on the N64, because it's relatively new, and therefore an X-bone game, which is it's one downfall. 

If this were an N64 game most of it's more glaring annoyances wouldn't be present. You'll see what I mean. This a truly kickass g...

American Mcgee's Alice

Oh boy oh boy, It's my favorite kind of game to play. Badass PC games from the 90s that i didn't get to play as a kid because i didn't see a computer until i was 22. System Shock? Never played it. Marathon? Never played it. There's still a ton of stuff like that i'm gonna get around to someday. But today is a special day. Today i get to say hey, me play this game, yay!

American Mcgee's Alice is a classic spooky shooty platforming freak fest based on the classic public domain story of on...

Echo Pod 2 - Deadly Alliances

This month the Dolphin Pod Squad swims a slipstream vortex through Outworld, straight to Sandy Fork Delaware. Freak your flippers to these fresh fighting friends. Over here we got The Mad Sorcerer Shang Tsung and his pale pal Quan Chi, and over there... DEMBOYS. 

I, the Dolphin Master, more powerful than Worf and Goro combined, have received requests on the rant waves from a deadly duo of dolphin dudes. First, a rad retrospective on the most hardcore fighting series / multimedia fr...

Fuzion Frenzy

UGh . Gohd . Cough. Wheeze. Wait. Before death takes me again. One more cool X-box game. And this time i mean cool only in a vaguely nostalgic sense, because this game is not actually what any sane person would call good. Not now, not then, not ever. But it doesn't have to be good. Nor was that ever a requirement. 

This is Fuzion Frenzy, a shitty party game x-box launch title, and all it ever had to be was rad. That much it clearly succeeded at if nothing else. You take one look at...

No More Heroes: I forgot to post this episode 2

Here's the rest of that big chunk of No More Heroes footage i forgot to post, so i can actually continue this series and finally beat it. Surely by now i'v captured enough scorpions and mowed enough lawns to conquer those fuckbag aliens who are fucking up Earth. 

This is easily the most idiotic episode yet. Featuring a fistful of silly sounds, wild and wacky words, interspersed with numerous failed attempts to reclaim a sense of normalcy long since lost to me, before giving up and ...

BLACK

Don't let the world's most unfortunate thumbnail fool you, this game is actually totally rad and kicks a decent amount of butt. Did you forget about Black? Yeah everyone did, probably cause it was just called Black. What the Hell does that even mean? It tells you nothing about the game, no wonder this ended up being played by exactly 0 people despite being hyped to the moon at the time.

What were they thinking? Why on Earth would you just name a game black? Only one game deserves that t...

Bonus Crow Content: Twitch On Switch - Buttquest

CAW! croak! CAW! Have some shiny, sparkly, twinkly, stinkly bonus crow video content, my fine feathered fucking friends. 

Here's some weird, pointless, cutting room floor content too stupid for normies and regular people, with their sad little baby pledges. Dedicated and passionate content collectors and crow bros like yourselves have earned something extra inane. 

This kind of dumbass bonus video is basically made up of leftover audio that usually gets recorded by accid...

Buttchugger Blog: Sick Flicks

Buttchug Brothers and beyond, here's your bonus blog for the month. A cool chronicle of my many days and many ways. I bet you're wondering how i spent my first month of 2023. The answer is mostly coofing. 

Since no new year can ever start off normal, I spent the whole month sick as fucking shit. It was brutal. I had a wretched cough, i had a wicked ear infection, i had a sore throat, congestion, fatigue, cold shivers and hot flashes, every symptom known to man and more. I was basic...

Death Stranding: All The Way To The Outhouse

DAY-TONAAAAAAAAA. It's done. I have completed the body disposal. They all doubted me, the whole stinkin world said it was impossible, and for any other man they would have been right. But i ain't normal. I'm the genetic freak. My dogged tenacity and stubborn commitment to even the most pointless of bits is unparalleled in the gamer-sphere. 

I'm sure you were all getting as tired of this dour detour as i was. But next time you see this stupid game it'll finally be something differen...

Groovy Tunes: Black Sabbath - Dehumanizer

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!! DIOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! SABBBATTHHH!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!

Nowadays when you say the name Dio, a bunch of zoomers jump out of the bushes to spam you with idiotic JoJo memes. Shameful. I will never watch JoJo. Ever. Unless some Sushi Swine pays me to do it. Have i mentioned you can pay me to do stuff? Well I'm gonna keep mentioning it. I'm running a business here. Deal with it. And deal with me, cause i deal in money and that's the deal, honey. 

I'm also gon...

Perfect Dark Zero

Remember last month when i played Perfect Dark? Yeah, that was awesome. Well here's the somewhat inferior sequel that came out on the X-Box 360. I think as a launch title. Wait let me look it up. Yes, i was correct, as is to be expected. My mind is a steel trap and i never forget what games came out when. Of all my superpowers, that's certainly one of them. 

There are many mysteries in the world, and at least 2 of them have to do with this game. They are: Why did Rare go to the 360...

Firewatch Part 3: Boomer Simulator

Firewatch my butt. They should have been honest and just called it Boomer Simulator. But it got off easy by coming out in 2013 just a bit before people dunking on boomers all the time. Sweet merciful Mary in heaven i can't stand the boring, bumbling, bitch-ass boomer buttlord you play as in this pile. 

This chud's never-ending stream of cloud-yelling is worse than a hundred baby marios crying at once and i'm not kidding when i say it never stops. At points it's difficult to even do...

The Forgotten City Part 2: Time Travelin Horny Man

I'm just a hard luck hero. An intrepid traveler. A historical horny man. The only thing more sexier than the environments in this gorgeous-ass game are the fine sexy sluts and hot horny honeys that populate the place. Yee-haw. 

This game has one flaw and only one flaw. It's a small irritant and gosh i hate to even harp on it but pointing it out is my job, sort of, i guess, from a certain point of view. It's the scriptwriters insistence on including small bits of topical hu...

Evil Within: Gettin Dangerous

This is my favorite kind of Blue Glow. The kind where i get stuck on one part for way too long and have to entertain myself by spiraling into madness, eventually getting hung up on some truly inane tangent that becomes a weird running joke i never would have thought of had i not been beating my head against a wall for so long. 

There are some true gamer moments in this one, both epic wins and legendary fails. My awesome sniping talent is only matched by my propensity for getting to...

Scary Spook Buff Movie Stuff: Skinamarink

This was a Buff Movie request by a Buff Movie Buff called Zegathra. He asked me to review this, then messaged me again a few days later to say never mind because it wasn't playing anywhere yet. But I'm the ultimate Buff Movie Buff so i stormed the Shudder Headquarters and put Joe Bob in the masterlock until they gave me a personal screening. 

Good movie. Weird movie. Scary movie. Boring movie. Skinamarink is all those things at once. Any description beyond that is bound to be redun...

Groovy Tunes: JPEGMAFIA - All My Heroes Are Cornballs

One of the patrons on here by the name of Zane did a big phat pledge so i owe him a bunch of shit. I can owe you a bunch of shit too, all you gotta do is pay me pay me pay me. 

This was his Groovy Tunes request, a wild-ass experimental rappity record by this weirdo called JPEGMAFIA. As many of you well know, i'm a bit of a rap-meister myself, and have been known to sling rhymes. Some would even say I'm the dopest guy of all time, and those people would be correct. 

But P...

No More Heroes 3 Part 8: I Forgot To Post This One

On the last episode of this series i posted, someone asked if i cut the Kimmy Love fight. The answer is no, i did not cut it, i forgot to post it entirely. Since all my game footage is just randomly scattered throughout 9 different fully fucked hard drives with absolutely no organization whatsoever, i somehow skipped over this entire section and just moved on to editing the next chunk of footage without even realizing anything was missing. 

So thanks to that guy reminding me, you a...

God of War Ragnarok Part 4: More Stupid Vanaheim

God i can't believe i'm still putzing around this hideous filthy fucking swamp. I hope your buckled in for the pulse-pounding excitement of watching me continue to beat my ahead against the never-ending asinine puzzles this god forsaken game keeps throwing at me.

You can't even really call them puzzles, obstacles, hindrances, or time-outs would be a better word. All you ever do in this is walk 5 feet, fight a mob of grumpkins, walk 5 more feet and then stop dead in your tracks to look a...

Buff Movie Buffs: Big Trouble In Little China

https://www.bitchute.com/video/uAS9H5VByIaX/

Hop aboard the Porkchop express! I don't know what that means, but The Buff Movie Buffs continue to spiral into madness as our commentary adventures become progressively more unhinged. 

In this one i'm pretty sure we spend more time staring at a random picture of kim Cattrall and yelling about gay nerds who go to strip clubs than we do watching the...

Echo-Pod #1 Bikini Bottoms and Body Slams

Here it is, pod pals. The first edition of my all request dolphin pod, the echo-pod, where i'll be echoing topics sent in by all the porpoise pals at the pod-squad tier or higher. All you proud patron-peeps get to enjoy the show, but those in the squad get to help steer the pod. 

This ain't some phoned in barely conscious QnA bullcrap, you're not just tipping for some flippant opinion or 2 minute errant thought. I only sell the highest quality spicy tuna rants to rock and roll with...

PERFECT FFFUCKING DRAK i mean dark.

Here it is folks the final Endo Jendo Oldschoo nintendo post of the year. Thanks for hanging around and watching my silly crap for another year, i hate making promises but i got my fingers crossed next year will be even cooler. so i hope you keep sticking around and most importantly keep thinking im cool. 

Perfect Dark is like one of the coolest games of all time but would you believe ive never really played it that much? I mean i might have played it at a friends house once or twi...

OBLIVION HA HA IM PLAYING OBLIVIAN

ha ha ha ha ha ha HA patrick stewart is in this fucking game. I love oblivion. God i love this fucking game its a masterpiece its a classic i love it its nostalgic i love it. 

Bet you didnt see this one coming. Bet you didnt think id be rounding out the year 2022 with a game that game out a long time ago when i was a young man but i am. Really honestly tho you probably shoudl have seen that coming cause after all i am the OLDSCHOOL FOOOL BABY. 

oh my god im watching this...

Katamari Part 2 - ohh god grumpycat

aaaaahhhh god help oh now oh god. 

Another year is drawing to a close and i i just want to thank everybody who continues to support this silly old broken down sack of space flotsom known as me. The enlightened one. The unholy hero and the heavenly horror. 

Even more bigg special thanks to all the cool people who saw the new patreon tiers  and decided to go for em. I am intensely stressed out all the time about many things and bear the weight of the world on my shoul...

Death Stranding Part ? Winter Blunderland

Falling and Screaming and dying and trying and crying and pissing and shitting and quitting and NO. NEVER QUITTING. I AM INDOMITABLE. I AM TENACIOUS. I. AM. NORMAN REEDUS. 

I don't even know what number in the series this is anymore. All i know is by this point i've clearly lost it and things have just gotten silly. I've been lost in the mountains for days, weeks, centuries maybe. My toes have all frozen off. My snot is hanging in crystaline stalagtites, to be broken off and used a...