Bram Stoker: everyone, i have a story
Barker: oh boy this should be good
Stoker: and this time it's different
Stoker: i've been secretly taking lessons in how to be horny
Stoker: so this story is really going to show you sex-likers a thing or two
Stoker: submitted for the approval of the midnight society
Stoker: i call this the tale of dracula
Stoker: sovereign of the damned
stoker: you'll like this dracula
Stoker: it's an anime
Lafcadio Hearn: yes!
Hearn: ...
2023-06-16 22:26:01 +0000 UTC
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Lovecraft: ugh! cozy horror!
Lovecraft: that's the thing i hate the most!
Lovecraft: it's so
Lovecraft: it's
Lovecraft: it's just so!!
Lovecraft: so cozy!!
Lovecraft: reminds me of hygge
Lovecraft: and those degenerate swarthy danes
Angela Carter: i find it interesting that you object to cozy horror, howard
Carter: I'm curious why that is
Carter: is it perhaps because you hate women?
Lovecraft: [sweats] No! Of course not!
Lovecraft: I love women!
Love...
2023-06-15 18:38:42 +0000 UTC
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Mary Shelley: sup fuckers time pack it in!
Poe: what's going on?
Shelley: haven't you heard? there's a new kind of horror in town!
Shelley: it's called cozy horror!
Shelley: and this one's just for us girls!
Tabitha King: yeah!
Shelley: the gals got together and we decided
Shelley: we're all tired of your bullshit
Shelley: so we invented a special kind of horror
Shelley: Horror -- For Her (tm)
Tabitha King: yeah!
Shelley: a kinder gentler kin...
2023-06-14 17:24:42 +0000 UTC
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Neil Gaiman: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale Gaiman: of the hierophant of illusions!
Gaiman: the patriarch of the velvet shroud of night!
Gaiman: the master
Gaiman: [throwing sparkling dust] of dreams!
Gaiman: in tonight's adventure, the master of dreams is captured
Koontz: oh no!
Gaiman: oh yes my young friend
Gaiman: imprisoned!
Gaiman: in a sphere!
Gaiman: and when mankind if deprived of dreams, what can be sa...
2023-06-13 18:01:36 +0000 UTC
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Harry Turtledove: greetings citizens of earth 12, do not be alarmed
Poe: oh hi harry
Turtledove: ah you know me?
Turtledove: i've passed this way...
Turtledove: before?
Turtledove: [adjusting handheld device] hm the dimensional transmogrifier got decalibrated
Turtledove: it must have been the negative chronobytes from that ion storm on earth 27⁸
Barker: oh yeah definitely that's what did it
Poe: clive
Barker: definitely the negative chronobits
Tur...
2023-06-11 18:26:12 +0000 UTC
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King: hey have you guys heard about this new thing?
King: it’s called cozy horror!
Poe: whats that?
King: I’m not entirely sure
King: but it seems to be quite the discourse
Barker: oh cool
Barker: cool cool cool
King: well do you guys remember when we had the elevated horror discourse?
Barker: no
King: come on sure you do!
King: it lasted a whole hot minute
King: so I learned about this new thing called cozy horror
2023-06-09 18:16:57 +0000 UTC
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I've been hinting for a while, but here it is... the first teaser trailer for the new Midnight Pals audio drama (comedy) podcast!! Thanks to some incredible work from our producer Robin Johnson and a stellar voice cast! (you will enjoy it)
2023-06-08 18:06:54 +0000 UTC
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JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm happy to report a terrible injussstice has been rectified
Rowling: oxfam made a video in sssupport of pride month
Rowling: but we sssoon put a ssstop to that!
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: oh man i bet this story is a real fuckin doozy
Rowling: sssseee this video included a caricature of me
Rowling: and that is illegal
Poe: caricatures are illegal?
Rowling: in england, yesss
Rowling: but only in...
2023-06-07 19:48:04 +0000 UTC
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[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i bring excellent newssss
Rowling: i have received word that a very prominent horror writer might be
Rowling: amenable
Rowling: to our
Rowling:
Rowling: well i don't want to ssay hate group
Kathleen Stock: an actual horror writer?
Rowling: yess
Stock: this will be a great addition to our team of failed lawyers, disgraced academics, unknown cartoonists and divorced guys
S...
2023-06-03 18:05:18 +0000 UTC
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Tim Boucher: hello fellow authors!
Boucher: it's me, tim Boucher -- author!
Boucher: and boy, as an author, let me tell you
Boucher: us authors sure love to author around
Poe: something's not right here
Boucher: i've written 97 stories in the last month!
Boucher: while we're talking, i'm writing 3 more
King: that's impossible! no one can write that fast
King: except for mercedes lackey
Poe: oh yeah she's like a machine
Boucher: yup yup i wrote 97 stories in...
2023-06-02 17:36:31 +0000 UTC
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Koontz: submitted for the approval of the midnight society
Koontz: i
Koontz: phew
Poe: what's the matter dean
Koontz: i don't know, telling stories is such hard work
Koontz: there's got to be a better way
L Ron Hubbard: hey friends its me your old pal honest ron
Hubbard: listen friend i hear ya
Hubbard: making stories takes it outta ya
Koontz: that's for sure!
Hubbard: all day long, slaving over a hot laptop, til your hands are calloused and wrinkled...
2023-06-01 20:45:26 +0000 UTC
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JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm back
Poe:
Rowling: and I'm
Rowling: HIGHLY dissssappointed
Barker: oh good!
Barker: i can't wait to hear this one
Rowling: people keep accusssing my terf deatheatersss of being nazissss!
Barker: is it because of all the nazis at your rallies
Rowling: you can't prove that
Barker: what about these photos & videos of nazis at your rallies
Rowling: oh pffft!
Rowling: proof!
Rowling: you can ussse proof to prov...
2023-05-30 15:51:07 +0000 UTC
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Koontz: i don't want to!!!
King: dean you're overreacting
Koontz: no! no!
King: dean its brian and mary's wedding
King: you have to look nice
King: let me tie this tie
Koontz: [exaggerated choking noises]
King: dean it's not even that tight!
Barker: are you guys almost ready
Barker: we're going to be late for the wedding
King: give me a second, i'm just tying dean's tie
Barker: oh my god
Barker: just get him a clip-on and let's fucking go
Lovecraft...
2023-05-29 17:24:54 +0000 UTC
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Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of faust
Goethe: so this guy sells his soul to the devil to get the ultimate knowledge
Goethe: oh the guy's name is faust by the way
Goethe: so part 1 is all about faust trying to bang this one hottie
Goethe: part 2 is where we just go off the rails
Goethe: he meets dante!
Goethe: and the devil invents fiat currency!
Goethe: we need to go back on the gold standard...
2023-05-24 19:10:02 +0000 UTC
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Arthur Machen: now see, some people think that true evil is when a person, like, does a murder or something
Machen: but i propose that true evil
Machen: is when you see a real fucked up tree
King:
Poe:
Algernon Blackwood: now hold on here
Blackwood: i think he's on to something
Samantha Eaton: oh you think a weird tree is scary?
Eaton: check this
Eaton: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the evil tree
Eaton: wh...
2023-05-23 18:55:41 +0000 UTC
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Joyce Carol Oates: [busting down door] buckle up fucklechucks
Oates: Oates the GOATS is back
Oates: and i got a hot take straight off the griddle for ya
Oates: careful!
Oates: it's
Oates: spicy!!!
Oates: so people are so depressed these days
Oates: always talking about how they feel nothing but despair and all they see ahead is despair and doom
Oates: the world is a fuck
Oates: well, i got a message for you people
Oates: how bout you all just SHUT UP<...
2023-05-21 18:13:22 +0000 UTC
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Robert Chambers: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the yellow sign
Chambers: the scary part is that its yellow
Barker: how do you figure
Chambers: well, it’s the scariest color
Barker:
Barker: what
Chambers: yellow is the scariest color
Barker: what the hell are you talking about
Lovecraft: no he’s right
Barker: oh well of course YOU’D think so howard
Barker: you just agree with a...
2023-05-20 18:05:10 +0000 UTC
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HP Lovecraft: S-submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the swarthy foreigner
King: c’mon howard really
Lovecraft: t-this is cancel culture
King:
King: howard
King: you can’t keep doing this
Lovecraft: t-this is cancel culture
King: clive did you really have to teach him that phrase
King: I mean yeah it was funny at first
King: but its really starting to get kinda annoying
Barker: ha ha it’s ...
2023-05-18 19:35:45 +0000 UTC
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Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Poe: oh mary
Poe: sit down
Poe: we have some bad news
Poe: it’s about percy
Mary Shelley: what about percy
Poe: he’s been rusticated
Mary Shelley: the fuck
Poe: yes he’s been rusticated
Mary Shelley: rusticated for…?
Poe: yes rusticated for contumacy
Mary Shelley: aw shit, not contumacy!
Mary Shelley: aw shit what the fuck
Mary Shelley: level with me
Mary Shelley: which of you motherfuckers put him up to this
2023-05-17 23:20:22 +0000 UTC
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JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh jk rowling
Poe: great to see you again
Poe:
Poe: in theory
Barker: ha ha ha
Poe: clive i'm not in the mood
Rowling: i jusst sslithered in to tell you
Rowling: my terf deatheaterss got a big celebrity get
Rowling: bc if a quorum of celebrities agree a particular minority group shouldn’t have rightss
Rowling: then itss legally binding
Rowling: that'ss jusst the law, you know
Barker: damn who’s your big celebrity ge...
2023-05-16 18:41:33 +0000 UTC
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Dan Bongino: eyyyy lemme tell you, dat biden, e's a real shwetegenutz! badda bing badda boom git im outtaaa erreee i'm a cop new york's fine
Dan Bongino: eyyyy lemme tell you, dat biden, e's a real shwetegenutz! badda bing badda boom git im outtaaa erreee i'm a cop new york's finest back da blue baby
Bongino: now i know a shwetegenutz when i sees one, i was a cop baby. new york cop baby!!! [inarticulate cop noises]
Stephen King: guys this dan bongino guy is making fun of our p...
2023-05-11 16:59:23 +0000 UTC
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Aubrey Wood: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the cyberpunk future
Wood: [flashlight under chin] of luxury gay space communism!
King: uh
King: we mostly tell horror stories here
Dan Simmons: [clutching pearls] gay space communism!?
Aubrey Wood: this is a cyberpunk future where everyone has pink hair
Simmons: no! no! Stop!!!
Simmons: this is the future greta Thunberg wants!!!
George Romero: yeah! Yeah! Gay ...
2023-05-10 17:36:02 +0000 UTC
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Ryan Murphy: hey everyone it's me ryan murphy!
Brad Falchuk: and I'm ryan murphy!
Murphy: and we're back with another exciting American Horror Story
Murphy: with me! Brad Falchuk!
Falchuk: and me! Brad Falchuk!
Murphy: we're doing an official backrooms adaptation! you guys all love the backrooms don't you?
Koontz: oh! oh! i love the backrooms!
Barker: oh yeah dean loves the backrooms
Barker: you just put on the youtube vids and bam he's occupied for hours
...
2023-05-09 18:42:12 +0000 UTC
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Gemma Amor: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the six rooms
Amor: so there’s this historic house--
King: oh like the Biltmore!
Amor:
Amor: [through gritted teeth] sure like the Biltmore
Amor: so this historic house actually has a very interesting history
King: you know, the Biltmore house also has an interesting history
Koontz: what’s this Biltmore?
King: it’s america’s biggest house
Koontz: wowww!
Amor: [mutte...
2023-05-08 18:05:28 +0000 UTC
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Poe: it’s awful nice of dean Koontz to invite us over for a picnic, eh, guys?
Dario Argento: I hope he made lots of spaghetti!!!
[approaching luxurious manor house, entrance flanked by 2 stone golden retrievers]
Dean Koontz: [wearing smoking jacket and holding pipe] oh hello! I didn’t see you there
Koontz: I’m dean Koontz, welcome to my temporary 12,000-square-foot home
Koontz: I call it “koontzland”
Koontz: c’mon in! let me show you around
Koontz: [b...
2023-05-07 15:25:39 +0000 UTC
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Stephen King: [throws football] go wide, joe!
Joe Hill: [catches football] I love you, dad!
King: I love you too son
Elon Musk:
Musk: eyyyy whata the fuck
Musk: you thinka you winna this round, Stephano king?
Musk: you thinka you betta than me just because you bambinos like-a you?
Musk: I showa you
Musk: eeeey looka here it’s baby elon
Musk: [hastily putting on diaper] eeeey itsa me baby elon
Musk: eyyy it’s me baby elon
Musk: I lova my papa
Musk...
2023-05-06 15:40:05 +0000 UTC
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Manly Wade Wellman: tonight my son and I are going to tell a story together
Manly Wade Wellman: I want you all to say hello to my boy
Manly Wade Wellman: Wade Wellman
Manly Wade Wellman: or as we call him sometimes
Manly Wade Wellman: Boyish Wade Wellman
Manly Wade Wellman: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the martians
Wellman: so the martians think that they con conquer earth with their superior technology
Wellman: but they d...
2023-05-05 18:49:48 +0000 UTC
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Guy de Maupassant: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the horla
de Maupassant: it’s about an invisible monster that’s always chasing me!
Stephen King: haha wow what kind of drugs were you on when you came up with that one?
de Maupassant: ether
King:
King: oh
de Maupassant: so there’s this invisible monster after me
de Maupassant: there it is now!!!
Koontz:
Poe: that’s just dean
de Maupassant: oh haha phew wow ...
2023-05-04 21:08:58 +0000 UTC
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Mary San Giovanni: it’s time for the model doll house expo
Brian Keene: ixnay on the odel doll house expo may
Thomas Ligotti: I want to hear more about this expo
SanGiovanni: well, they have doll houses from all over the world
Ligotti: hm
SanGiovanni: some of the latest models have as many as TWO floors
Ligotti: hm
SanGiovanni: and can accommodate mixed families of dolls, action figures, and sylvanian bunnies
Ligotti: hm
Edward Lee: haha mary’s making ...
2023-04-26 21:14:45 +0000 UTC
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Brian Keene: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the rising zombies
Poe: who’s that with you?
Keene: oh this? this is just Charlie Benante
Keene: you know
Keene: from a little thing called
Keene: anthrax
Keene: charlie’s gonna draw some picture to go with my story
Poe: hi Charlie
Benante: [inarticulate thrash metal screaming]
Keene: he says hi
Keene: so there’s a zombie uprising
Benante: [inarticulate thrash ...
2023-04-25 18:43:50 +0000 UTC
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