Elon Musk: eyyy whatsa matta you Stepheno king
Musk: you no wanta the blue check?
Musk: listen the blue checka it maka you real cool
Stephen King: cool you say?
Musk: oh yeah itta really big deal
King: well
King: I have been wanting to try out this "cool" thing everyone’s talking about
Elon Musk: eeey Stephen king you getta the blue check you can be coola
Musk: justa like these other cool blue checka celebs
Musk: lika xXlover_of_big_boobsXx, pussysmasher69, and...
Richard Sharpe Shaver: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the underground monster people that can control us with mind rays
Stephen King: wow, that sure sounds like an amazing story!
Shaver: yes
Shaver: yes it is
Shaver: did you know that there’s a secret cabal of underground monsters who kidnap people for sexual torture and cannibalism?
Koontz: gosh! That’s not real tho right?
Koontz: it’s just a story right?
King: yes de...
Poe: guys we're going to have lor gislason tell a story tonight
Poe: and i want you all on good behavior
Poe: i don't want any jokes
Barker: ok no jokes about the slime person ok sure got it
Poe: first of all clive
Poe: yes
Poe: secondly the preferred nomenclature is ichor-american
Lor Gislason: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the goopity goo
Gislason: bloop bloop
Gislason: bloopity blorp
Gislason: bloop bloop bloop ...
Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the-
Elon Musk [popping out of bushes]: eeeey its me, elon musk!
Musk: i just comma to see my number one bambino Stephano King!
Musk: you an me, we sucha good friends!
King:
Musk: mama mia stephano king, we sucha good friends!
King: no we aren't
Musk: my frienda stephano, he giva me 8 lira!
King: no i didn't
Musk: he giva me his phone number
King: no i didn't &...
L. Marie Wood: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call the tale of the book that kills people
Lovecraft: o-oh! i like that
Lovecraft: b-books that kill, that's totally my jam!
Robert W Chambers: whose jam?
Wood: anyone who reads this book of esoteric stories will find themselves driven mad by the revelations of horror
Wood: and then die horrible, bloody deaths
Wood: as this innocent-looking book cuts a swathe of destruction across the country
Wood: l...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hadley freeman, your failuresss disssspleasssse me
Rowling: you promissssed me you would deliver margaret atwood
Rowling: instead, nothing but ashess and wind
Hadley Freeman: p-please dark lord
Freeman: one more chance, just one!
Rowling: very well
Rowling: you will deliver unto me
Rowling: judy blume
Freeman: j-judy blume?!
Freeman: b-but dark lord
Freeman: judy blume is friend to all children!
...
Agent: ok so listen joanne
Agent: I have some bad news
JK Rowling: issss ssscotland getting uppity??
Rowling: how dare they rebel against the yoke of English rule!!!
Rowling: we will cram transss genocide down their tartan-wearing, haggissss guzzling throatsss!!
Agent:
Agent: it’s actually about your profits
Agent: your profits are down 74%
Rowling: what doessss that mean for me
Agent: for one thing, you’re not going to be able to afford to fumigate your ca...
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're
Poe: you're back
Barker: edgar edgar you sound so tired
Barker: put some feeling into it
Barker: "ha ha joanne!"
Barker: "you're back!"
Barker: you act like this won't be extremely funny edgar
Poe:
Barker: ha ha
JK Rowling: good newssss children
Rowling: Max has agreed to make a full harry potter ssseriesssss
[all look at Max Booth III]
Rowling: no no not max, i me...
Ben Farthing: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the circus tent that i found in the woods behind my house
Barker: hell of a title there, man
Farthing: you think?
Farthing: is it too much?
Barker: naw naw it's good
Farthing: so there's this mysterious circus tent that just appears
Koontz: oo! i love a circus
King: no dean
King: i'm pretty sure this isn't going to be like that kind of circus
Koontz: how do you know?...
Mary SanGiovanni: so me and edward lee have been collaborating on some cosmic horror
Clive Barker: are there tits in it
SanGiovanni: "are there tits in it"
SanGiovanni: what a question!
Edward Lee: no bro it's not just about boobs this time
Edward Lee: i don't JUST write about boobs you know bro
Lee: i got
Lee: like
Lee: layers
Mary SanGiovanni: but just to be clear
SanGiovanni: there will be SOME boobs right?
Edward Lee: i don't just write splatterpunk ...
2023-04-11 18:18:49 +0000 UTC View PostAlgernon Blackwood: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the willows
Lovecraft: g-guys this is my favorite story!
Lovecraft: ooh it's so good, it's so scary!
King: oh yeah? what's so scary about it?
Lovecraft: there's a swede in it
Blackwood: so i was canoeing down the river danube
Blackwood: with my companion
Blackwood: who was a swede
Lovecraft: [sweats]
Blackwood: anyway we got stuck on an island
[at unicorn fuck club]
Terry Pratchett: in discworld, there’s a big controversy about dwarf gender
Tolkien: ah yes dwarves are all dudes
Pratchett: see, that’s the stereotype
Pratchett: but I leverage that to make commentary about-
Tolkien: I will absolutely murder you
Tolkien: dwarves are hideous bearded monstrosities
Tolkien: I don’t want any fucking hot dwarves in this
Tolkien: like in that fucking Disney movie
Tolkien: if you put any hot dwarves in this...
Stephen King: submitted for the-
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I’d like to introduce you all to my favorite terf deatheater
Rowling: Kathleen ssssstock
Clive Barker: why
Poe: clive that’s-
Poe: actually yeah why
JK Rowling: I just thought sssshe had ssssome interessssting thoughtsss to share
Barker: literally why would you think that
Barker: why would you ever think that
Barker: why are you even here
Rowling: tell them what you told me about the b...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: great newssss
Rowling: they’re making a new harry potter ssseriessss on HBO
Rowling: and thissss time
Rowling: thisss time we’ll do it right
Rowling: I’ve been VERY dissssappointed
Rowling: to find that the kids from the original moviessss turned out to ssssupport transss rightsss
Rowling: I don’t know how they get away with sssssaying that
Rowling: I made them! I own them!
R...
[at unicorn fuck club]
Terry Pratchett: I call it the story of the wacky fantasy world that’s funny
Pratchett: I hope you’re all ready for some jolly jokes and japes
Pratchett: but also
Pratchett: if you’re not careful
Pratchett: you just might learn something
JRR Tolkien: oh wonderful, I could use a good laugh!
Pratchett: what if there was a fantasy world that was funny
Tolkien:
Pratchett: in a quintessentially British way
Tolkien: hahahahah!!!!!
...
2023-03-29 16:36:46 +0000 UTC View PostLovecraft: S-submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this
Lovecraft: the tale of the rats in the walls
King: oo
King: jeez howard
King: that story’s a little dicey ya know?
Lovecraft: what?
King: you know
King: with the
King: you know
Lovecraft: a-are you upset by the cannibalism
King: no that’s fine
Lovecraft: the degenerate human monster cattle?
King: not that
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: i-is it the narrator going mad
King:
Owl Goingback: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the coyote rage
Goingback: cuz despite all his rage
Goingback: he’s still just a coyote in a cage
Goingback: so coyote the trickster
Dean Koontz: 😊
Goingback: he’s got an evil plan
Koontz: no
Koontz: no I don’t believe that
Koontz: I don’t believe any dog can truly be evil
Goingback: coyote has an evil plan
Goingback: oh, man, this plan? So evil!
Goingba...
[at unicorn fuck club]
JRR Tolkien: oh brandon
Tolkien: we heard about that wired article
Tolkien: tough break
Brandon Sanderson: well good golly gosh
Sanderson: I just
Sanderson: I just don’t know
Sanderson: I just don’t know why everyone’s gotta be so negative goshdarnit
Sanderson: like all this negativity
Sanderson: it’s so golly darn negative don’t ya know
Sanderson: oo it just makes me so
Sanderson: [looking at CTR ring]
Sanderson: [deep b...
Rowling: I mean, who’ssss to know whatsss right or wrong?
Phelps-Roper: wow if you think about it
Phelps-Roper: trans people and people who want to kill trans people are really just equally bad
Rowling: that is libelous and you will hear from my lawyer
Rowling: because transss people are definitely worsssse
Phelps-Roper: let’s go to the phones
Phelps-Roger: hello caller you’re on the air with megan phelps-roger and the weasel, talk to us [toilet flush sound effect]<...
Megan Phelps-Roper: hey you’re listening to the witch trials of jk rowling, W KZFM in the morning with Megan Phelps-Roper and the weasel [air horn sound effect]
Phelps-Roper: we are here with the main boss lady herself, Jk R-r-r-rowling!
Rowling: good to be here
Phelps-Roper: now its time for our 10 am challenge [‘Oh Yeah’ plays]
Phelps-Roper: JK Rowling, will you
Phelps-Roper: live
Phelps-Roper: on air
Phelps-Roper: eat a bug?
Rowling:
Rowling: wave it a...
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: ok
Poe: JK
Rowling: you don’t ssssound very thrilled to ssssee me edgar
Poe: well it’s just
Rowling: perhapssss you’ll be more thrilled after you read thissss court order I bought requiring everyone to like me
JK Rowling: I hope you’ll all catch my new podcasssst appearance
Rowling: the witch trialssss of JK Rowling
Rowling: you’d better catch my appearance
Rowling: if you know what’ssss good for you
Stephen Kin...
Aleister Crowley: yo Sonia
Crowley: yep yep it’s just me
Crowley: Aleister “The Great Beast” Crowley
Crowley: the most wicked man in the world
Crowley: mountaineer, bon vivant, man about town
Sonia Greene: I’m not interested, aleister
Crowley: I was a spy too!
Crowley: did I mention I was a spy???
Aleister Crowley: that’s right Sonia
Crowley: The Great Beast was also a super daring secret agent spy
Crowley: yup yup, see, coach had a special assignmen...
Ray Bradbury: and so, at that dusty little carnival on that humid summer night
Bradbury: that little boy saw real magic for the first time
Aleister Crowley: c’mon, that’s not what real magic is
Crowley: real magic is when get a woman to suck your dick so hard you can move objects with your mind
Crowley: GO WILDCATS!
Crowley: helps if you’re wearing a big pyramid hat with an eyeball on it
Crowley: chicks cannot resist the big pyramid hat with the eyeball
Crowley...
Ray Bradbury: Submitted for the approval of the midnight Society, I call this the tale of the eternal summer, the last vestiges of muggy august giving way to the bluster of autumn, the twinkling lights of town below in the humid night, young lovers stealing kisses in the dark, old men on the porch, jawin and chewin and chuckling at remembrances of romances long past
Barker: you’re literally just describing a Thomas Kinkade painting
Poe: clive
Stephen King: wow ray you really com...
2023-03-16 17:45:51 +0000 UTC View PostJK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: joanne
Rowling: I’m jussst here to clarify my posssition on transss people
Barker: oh damn wow
Barker: damn wow everyone stop what you’re doing
Barker: joanne’s got something to say about trans people
Poe: clive
Barker: sh edgar I don’t want to miss a word
Barker: I bet this is really gonna surprise us all
Rowling: I jusssst wanted to clarify
Rowling: my opinion
Rowling: which isss that we need to find ssso...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
Jesse Singal: mommy mommy look at me!!
Singal: I’m a real reporter!!!
JK Rowling: you’re doing great jesssse
Singal: I did it for you mommy!
Singal: I did it all for you!!!
Singal: mommy mommy!!!
Singal: I have an affadavit mommy!!!
Singal: a kid went to a clinic and said they were an attack helicopter and got hormones!!!
Singal: I saw the helicopter and the helicopter looked at me!!!
Rowling:
Rowling: ssssoundssss ...
Ben Wheatley: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the sad hit man
Wheatley: a mind-bending tale of psychological horror with a big twist!
Wheatley: the twist is that its folk horror
Wheatley: for the last 20 minutes
Wheatley: so there’s this creepy cult
Stephen King: sounds scary!
Wheatley: and it’s out in the boonies
Ramsey Campbell: yes!
Wheatley: in England
Campbell: YES!
Wheatley: hope you’re all ready for s...
2023-03-11 17:08:42 +0000 UTC View Post[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I want to introducccce our newest recruit
Rowling: Aliccce Walker
Alice Walker: “children” is a gender-neutral form of address that will turn people trans
Walker: issssn’t she great?
Rowling: welcome to my terf deatheatersss, alice
Walker: great to be here
Walker: no better way for an esteemed legacy of civil rights and feminist activist to end
Walker: than here in the den of r...
Roald Dahl: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the unexpected
Stephen King: is this an original tale of the unexpected or one of the revised ones? Dahl: ee hee hee what
King: cuz I heard they were revising some of your stories
King: you know, to make them more sensitive for the modern world
Dahl: ee hee hee what
Dahl: eee hee hee did they take out the sexy blueberry inflation scene?
King: uh King: no that’s still ...
Patricia Highsmith: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the charming sociopath
Dean Koontz: tell the story about the black terror!
Highsmith: ehhh
Koontz: I like when he hits the bad guys and
Highsmith: okay ya twisted my arm, here’s the story of the black terror
Highsmith: so there’s this superhero called the black terror
Highsmith: and he’s got this girlfriend named jean starr
Highsmith: wotta dame! Real paira stems on he...