Bitter Karella

Midnight Pals: Ramble On

Stephen King: hey remember when led zeppelin did that song about Gollum stealing bilbo's girlfriend?
JRR Tolkien: what
King: yeah you know
King: ramble on
Tolkien: WHAT

King: [singing] "ramble on"
King: "And now's the time, the time is now
King: "To sing my song"
King: "I'm goin' 'round the world, I got to find my girl"
King: "On my way"
King: [performing air guitar]
Tolkien:
Tolkien: i hate this

King: it's all about how Gollum and the evil one sto...

Midnight Pals: Dune vs Middle Earth

Frank Herbert: i'm going to tell a story about this space cocaine that lets you do super hard math and its made of worm poop, inshallah
JRR Tolkien:
Tolkien: i hate this
Tolkien: i hate this so much

Stephen King: why do you hate dune so much?
Tolkien: isn't it obvious?
Dean Koontz: is it because you're a deontologist and dune is consequentialism?
Tolkien:
Tolkien: what

Koontz: you know, the differing schools of ethics
Tolkien: what on earth are you babbling...

Midnight Pals: Fictional Writer

Jamie Lee Curtis: hello midnight society
King: jamie lee curtis! oh wow!
King: i loved you in Shelley Duvall's Tall Tales & Legends
Curtis: oh yeah i was in that
Curtis: sorry that's not usually what people recognize me from
King: why? what else have you been in?
Curtis:

Curtis: i was in halloween
King: oh yeah! i loved that!
John Carpenter: you hated it when it came out
King: well now i love it!
Carpenter:
Carpenter: god damn son of a bit...

Midnight Pals: Tenebous at 3

Matt Blairstone: i'm matt blairstone of tenebrous press
Blairstone: publisher of such quality literature as split scream
Blairstone: featuring bitter karella's The Ballad of Horse Girl
Blairstone: available where ever fine books are sold

King: sorry, what was that name again?
King: i forgot
Blairstone: it's bitter karella
Blairstone: B-I-T-T...

Blairstone: a lot of people know us mostly as the publisher of Bitter Karella's the Ballad of Horse girl
Blai...

Midnight Pals: The Sower

Octavia Butler: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the parable of the sower
Butler: the parable of the tale of the sower
Butler: the tale of the sower
Butler: boy that's really not working

Butler: for this story, i think it's time to look to the future
Poe: the future?
Butler: yes the far distant future
Butler: of 2024
Butler: so in the future of 2024

Butler: a christo-fascist government comes to power over a crumbling...

Midnight Pals: Stephen Leaves

Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the midnight
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyyyy stephano king
King: what is it now elon
Musk: eyyyy you mean el supreme generalissimo Musk esq
Musk: grand high director of da us department of very funny memes

Musk: i slasha da government waste
Musk: now we getta ridda da roads anna da libraries
Musk: we spenda da tax dollars onna da important things
King: like what?
Musk: da memes
Musk: i maka dis gold-plated dan...

Midnight Pals: Elon's Victory

Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of
Elon Musk: [emerging from bushes] eyyy Stephano king
King: well well well if it isn't the president's wife
King: zing!
King: hahaha
King: get it guys, guess he likes trump so much
Barker: yeah we get it

King: i mean it's pretty funny because it's like he's gay for trump
King: ha ha!
Barker: its very boomer humor steve
King: oh
Barker: but since its elon i'll ...

Midnight Pals: Lukundoo

Edward Lucas White: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the lukundoo
White: ok so imagine this
White: an explorer in darkest Africa falls victim to a witch doctor's curse
King: oh boy this sounds like it might be a little bit yikes
White: buddy, you have NO idea!

White: and this curse causes him to break out in sores
White: and erupting from each sore, like pus from a zit
White: is a tiny African man
King:
Poe:
Koontz: 2024-11-13 17:00:15 +0000 UTC View Post

Midnight Pals: The Bad Timeline

Harry Turtledove: greetings citizens of earth 16
Poe: hi harry
King: hi harry
Koontz: hi
Lovecraft: hello
Barker: hey
Turtledove: i hope that the timeline hasn't been irrevocably altered during my uneventful absence

Turtledove: i'm back from my secret mission on behalf of the Temporal Corps correcting the timeline
Thomas Disch: ah i see you've been playing the classic Legend video game Timequest by Bob Bates!
Turtledove:
Turtledove: video game?!?!?
Turtledo...

Midnight Pals: Dark Days Coming

King: hey guys sorry i'm late
King: i just could not get up this morning
King: feels like I've been sleeping for days
King: what did i miss?
King: how did the election go?
Lovecraft: not too bad
King:
King: oh no
King: oh no oh no oh no

Lovecraft: don't worry steve it won't be so bad
Lovecraft: I've heard assurances from the new regime that they only want the trade unionists
King:
King:
King:

Lovecraft: i mean really steve
Lovecr...

Midnight Pals: Hyena Eyes

Ray Aldridge: submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the hyena eyes
Aldridge: have you ever thought how scary i would be if your boyfriend just spent all day on FurryMUCK

Aldridge: in the future, you can get a skein implant that allows you to be furry
Aldridge: you could turn up your skein to 70% to be dangerously furry
Aldridge: or to 110% to be dangerously cheesy

Aldridge: you can go to a special deck on the space station where you g...

Midnight Pals: Mask Off

Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the m
Elon Musk: [emerging from bushes in full SS uniform] eyyy stephano king
Musk: you lika my new outfit?
King: what?? No!!!
King: i don't!
King: i don't like it at all!

King: elon are you a nazi?
Musk: no no ima not a nazi, i just thinka there's a lot to admire abouta nazi germany
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: you know
King: no don't say anything howard
King: do not ...

Midnight Pals: Fandom

Alan Moore: [appearing in a clap of thunder] BEHOLD!
King: the arch magus!
Barker: the arch magus!
Poe: the arch magus!
Lovecraft: the arch magus!
Koontz: the grand nagus!
Poe: no dean
Poe: that's not right
Poe: that's star trek
Moore: and that is exactly what i came to talk to you all about today

Moore: i have come down from the mountain to share the wisdom imparted to me by the cosmos
King: guys! the arch magus is going to share some wisdom! 2024-10-27 18:12:10 +0000 UTC View Post

Midnight Pals: Bury Your Gays

Chuck Tingle: hello chums it's me chuck tingle, totally normal guy
Tingle: tonight i have a totally normal story for you
King: oh boy! a real tingler! i can't wait!
King: i bet it's real whacky and off the wall!
Tingle: haha not at all chum
Tingle: it's actually quite normal and restrained

Tingle: this isn't so much a tingler
Tingle: as a SPINE tingler
King: Oh! there it is!
King: that signature chuck tingle wit we all know and love!

King: you know, chuck, ...

Midnight Pals: Peerage

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: boy it's been sso trying lately
Rowling: the british government keepss trying to give me a peerage
Rowling: but i keep telling them 'look, i'm too busy with the transsphobia to wasste time cutting ribbonss at sshopping mallss'
Rowling: i have my prioritiess

Poe: why do they want to give you a peerage?
Rowling:
Rowling: obvioussly edgar becausse i'm a beloved icon of british culture who wrote the mossst enduring british bookss s...

Midnight Pals: Palmer Mystery

Ray Palmer: listen midnight society i got a crazy story you gotta hear!
Palmer: i found this guy, Richard shaver
Palmer: he's got a story you wouldn't believe
Palmer: but every word of it is the god's honest truth!
Palmer: if i'm lying, may lightening strike me down!

Palmer: go ahead Richard, tell them what you told me
Richard Shaver: there's an underground civilization of lemurians
Shaver: living in tunnels under the comet ping pong pizza restaurant
Palmer: big if ...

Midnight Pals: Jurassichrist

Michael Allen Rose: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, Michael allen rose presents the tale of jurassichrist by Michael allen rose, read by Michael allen rose, performed by Michael allen rose, with special denouement by Michael allen rose
Rose: musical accompaniment by Michael Allen rose and the Michael allen rosettes
Rose: with special guest star the Michael Allen Rose singers

Rose: everyone! put your hands together! get ready to make some noise
Rose: in prep...

Midnight Pals: Fairy Stories

AM Shine: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Pals, I call this tale the return of the fairies
Shine: In our last episode, our heroine had just escaped the forest where the evil fairies lived
Shine: but turns out
Shine: the evil fairies aren't just in the forest
Shine: now they're everywhere!

Shine: so our heroine is in hiding
Shine: with the yellow one
King: oh, the parrot?
Shine:
Shine: that's what i said, didn't i?
King: yeah i was just confirming th...

Midnight Pals: Furries

Midnight Pals: Crickets

[at terfcon 2024]
Helen Joyce: good morning to all my fellow terfs
Joyce: welcome to terfon '24
Joyce: as a reminder, please don't take off your JK Rowling masks outside of the headless lounge
Joyce: and no drinking before wine o'clock!

Joyce: and the hotel has asked us not to put any more "single adult female" stickers on the walls
Crowd: booooo!
Joyce: yeah i know i know
Joyce: i know that respecting boundaries really isn't part of our creed
Joyce: but they're ...

Midnight Pals: The Devil's Cat

William W Johnstone: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the devil's cat
Johnstone: don't like it? don't worry
Johnstone: in the time that it took you to read that sentence, i just wrote 8 new books
Johnstone: and some of them are about COWBOYS!

Johnstone: now some writers feel the need to orient the reader, so that they're not immediately lost on the first page
Johnstone: those writers are cowards

Johnstone: brad and janet are ...

Midnight Pals: Muppet LOTR

[at unicorn fuck club]
Jim Henson: hi ho jim the Henson here
Henson: tonight I've got a fantasy story i think you'll really enjoy
Henson: it's about a planet inhabited entirely by puppets
Henson: [flailing arms wildly] yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Henson: on a distant planet, the dark crystal cracks
Henson: causing the urskeks to transmogrify into the skeksis and the mystics
Henson: only at the great conjunction can the gelfling jen heal the crystal and unite the
JRR Tolkien:...

Midnight Pals: The Mystery of San Gottardo

HR Giger: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the mystery of San Gottardo
Giger: einmal war das die dinsbum dass war armen und beinen die biomachaniker kartofelsalat
Giger: es gibt Zwei versciedene autobahn volkwagen pfarphegnugen
Giger: untermessengruber schmecken decken uber alles
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker:

Giger: ein Zwei drei wir singen zusammen di geschichte uber den schweindoggen hund und der liebe red baro...

Midnight Pals: Biology

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i am born again! hallelujah!
Rowling: tell me
Rowling: have you heard
Rowling: the good word about biology?
Poe: what
Poe: what is this now?

Rowling: on the Scottish census, i answered that my religion is "biology"
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker: damnnnn
Barker: that's real edgy

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers?
Poe: joanne says her religion is biology
Shelley: haha yes... YES!!!
...

Midnight Pals podcast: Season 2 coming!

BIG NEWS! Season 2 of the Midnight Pals podcast is coming soon, so enjoy a little October season preview with a little mini-episode where the Pals meet Candyman in... The Tale of the Candyman! 🍭🍬

https://midnight-pals.simplecast.com/episodes/the-tale-of-the-candyman

Midnight Pals: Roast

Laird Barron: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of more dark
Barron: it's about this reclusive horror writer called Tom L
Barron: no wait that's too obvious
Barron: let's just call him T Ligotti

Barron: anyway, this horror writer, Tom L, everyone thinks he's so great
Barron: but actually he's a totally dorkwad poser
Barker: ah ha ha ha!
Barker: oh man i love a good roast!
Barker: he's really got your number, tom!
Tho...

Midnight Pals: Wizards

[at unicorn fuck club]
Brandon Sanderson: boy, i love being a fantasy writer!
Sanderson: and the best part of being a fantasy writer?
Sanderson: it's talking about wizards!
Terry Goodkind: wizards? did you say wizards??
Goodkind: i LOVE talking about wizards!
Sanderson: me TOO!

Sanderson: i mean, why even be a fantasy writer if you don't like wizards?
Diane Duane: i write about wizards too! some of them are cats!
Tanya Huff: OMG me two!!!
Huff: TWINSI...

Midnight Pals: Italian PM

Stephen King: submitted for the
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] heeey stephano king!
Musk: i justa wanta you to know
Musk: i did notta have an affair witha the prime minister offa italy, Signora Topogigio Primavera!

Musk: me anna signora primavera
Musk: we did notta haffa romantic candlelight dinner inna alley
Musk: where 2 chefs play da accordion
Musk: an singa disssss isssa da night, issa beautiful night
Dario Argento: [joining in, as if compelled] and dey ...

Midnight Pals: Carrie

Stephen King: check it out guys!
King: they're publishing a book of essays about Carrie!
King: we got richard chizmar, bentley little, mick garris, norman prentiss, tom deady, Anthony Breznican
Angela Carter: are there any women involved in this
King: oh yeah of course of course
Carter:
King:

Carter: don't you think, steve, that a collection of essays about carrie should include some womens voices
King: oh of course! we've got bev vincent
Carter: bev vinc...

Midnight Pals: Sssspace Sstory 2

JK Rowling: i don't need you lot!
Rowling: i don't need any of you!
Rowling: i'm gonna go over to sspace coven to tell my new sstory!
Barker: yeah have fun with that
Rowling: I will!!
Barker: they're all a bunch of nerds over there!
Poe: now clive that's not very fair
Barker: she's gonna find it out soon enough

[meanwhile, at space coven]
JK Rowling: hello children
Jules Verne: welcome, JK Rowling! I've been informed that you're the first wo...