JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh Joanne!
Poe: I'm
Poe: I
Poe: I really did not expect to see you again
Rowling: oh really edgar? and why wasss that?
Poe: because of that whole Olympics business
Poe: you know with imane khelif
Poe: all that stuff you did
Poe: we just kinda thought
Poe: you know we all thought
Poe: and I don't just mean me i mean
Barker: we all thought your lawyer told you to fuckin zip it
...
2024-09-21 17:00:07 +0000 UTC View PostPoe: [stripping to reveal his swimmer's physique] so while i'm telling this story, i'm just gonna swim a few laps here in the potomac
William Hope Hodgson: please feel free!
Hodgson: [muscles bulging as he does crunches] do you mind if i bench press this enormous weight while i listen?
Poe: Not at all!
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: you know, guys, i consider myself quite manly myself
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Koontz:
Lovecraft: heir to a great tradition of barbarian machismo...
Laird Barron: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the story of eldritch forces beyond mortal ken
Lovecraft: oh this is my favorite kind of story!
Barron: of course the protagonist is a big tough manly man's man
Lovecraft: what
Barron: this guy is a real rough and tumble fella
Barron: loves beer and broads and bowling
Barron: shoots guns
Barron: drives a real cool car real fast
Barron: was one of teddy Roosevelt's rough riders
Barron...
2024-09-16 17:00:09 +0000 UTC View PostHildur Knutsdottir: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the night guest
Knutsdottir: its about a woman who gets a full night's sleep so you would think she would be well rested (she's not)
Knutsdottir: it's almost like something is possessing her while she sleeps (something is)
Knutsdottir: this possession
Knutsdottir: you might think it's the yule lads (it's not the yule lads)
Knutsdottir: or maybe grylla (its not grylla)
Knutsdot...
Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this-
Elon Musk: [rising from bushes] eyy stephano king
Musk: mi amico eyyyy!
King: we're not friends elon
Musk: eyyy! stephano king! why you so obsessed with me?
King:
Musk: ok ok i will give you a child
King: i'm sorry, what
Musk: i will give you a child
Musk: whatsamatta for you?
Musk: i say the same thing to taylor swift!
King: oh
King: uh
King: how'd that work ou...
L Ron Hubbard: hey pal its me your old pal honest ron
Hubbard: and i've got a great deal for you today, friends
Hubbard: this handy dandy little AI can write all your books for you, friends
Hubbard: with just the push of a button!
Hubbard: no more slaving over a hot typewriter!
King: wow! sounds great!
King: this is fully licensed, certified, bonded, endorsed and accredited by the HWA, right?
Hubbard: well friend let me tell you this
Hubbard: it's not NOT ful...
Colin Hinckley: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the back lord
Hinckley: what if there was a monster in the woods behind your house
Hinckley: and it wanted to eat... YOUR SON????
Stephen King: no!
King: not my boy joe!
King: anything but that
King: if some eldritch elder god monster tried to eat my precious baby joe, i would fuckin' kill that monster!
Barker: oh how you gonna kill a monster huh steve? with a gun?
Hin...
John Wiswell: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the asexual succubus
Wiswell: it's about a succubus who's different from the stereotypical succubus
Wiswell: it makes you think about what if you were an individual in a society
Wiswell: so this succubus, you see, is ace
Barker: oh come the fuck on
Barker: come on!!!
Barker: you can't have an asexual succubus!
Barker: how would that even work?!
Wiswell: well, CLIVE
W...
Cody Schroeder: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the dog who looked friendly but actually wasn't
Dean Koontz: ha ha
Koontz: good one, you guys!
Koontz: i know you're trying to scare me
Koontz: but that just doesn't happen!
Schroeder: yeah BUT
Schroeder: this dog seems friendly
Schroeder: but in reality
Schroeder: it's really a monster!!! RARR!!
Koontz: ha ha yeah right!
Koontz: i know there's no such thing as...
Rae Knowles: we've got a real banger of a story for you tonight
April Yates: real banger
Knowles: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, we call this the tale of the disaster lesbians
Yates: real disasters, these two
Yates: possibly the biggest
Knowles: so there's these two lesbians who run a fake seance scam
Edward Lee: bro i don't care about any fake seance scam
Lee: i just have one question
Knowles: ah yes to answer your question, yes they do ...
Stephen King: boy, looks like that bungler elon musk really bungled it again!
King: another rocket exploded! boy!
Elon Musk: [appearing from ushes] eyyy Stephano king
Musk: you thinka you so smart?
Musk: whatsa matta for you??
Musk: i breaka you face!!!
Musk: checka dis out
[Elon posts an AI image, again it is unclear what it is supposed to be]
King: oh yeah uh
King: i still don't know what that is
King: joe what is that
Joe Hill: i can't help you this time...
Robert E Howard: howdy pardnas, it's me Robert "2 Gun Bob" Howard
Lovecraft: 2 gun bob!
King: 2 Gun Bob!
Koontz: it's 2 Gun bob!
Poe: 2 gun bob!
Barker: how many guns was that? i forgot
Poe: it's 2 guns, clive
Poe: you know it's 2 guns
Poe: don't be an instigator
Howard: Gather round, hombres! i got a rootin' tootin' tale of two-fisted thrills!
Howard: it'll really put the yippee in your yippee ki yay!
Howard: submitted for the approval of the midnight soci...
David Fincher: hi i'm david fincher
Fincher: i used to be big in hollywood until the curious case of benjamin button
Fincher: now i have to share an apartment with david cronenberg & david lynch
Fincher: so stay tuned for
Fincher: David, David & David
Fincher: coming this fall
Fincher: [bursting into room, arms flailing] David! David! I've got huge news!
Lynch: the deep in the dark, the eyes in the snail?
[Sustained Audience hooting and holleri...
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I'M BACK!
Rowling: [snapping fingers] and I'm on the prowl!
Rowling: revenge would tasste sso ssweet right now!
Julie Bindel, Helen Joyce, Allison Bailey: [in unison] she's back, she's back!
Rowling: and it's time for war!
Rowling: [snapping fingers] I'M BACK!
Rowling: and i won't play nice!
Julie Bindel, Helen Joyce, Alison Bailey: [in unison] she's back!
Rowling: I'M BACK!
Rowling: against my lawyer's advice!
Anthony Engebretson: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the lumberjack
Stephen King: the lumberjack, eh?
King: does he sleep all night and work all day?
King: hahaha!
King: eh? eh? get it guys?
Barker: we're not doing this steve
King: ohhh
King: i'm a lumberjack and i'm ok
King: i sleep all night and i work all day
King: come on guys sing along!
King: you know the words!
Joe Hill: what are you doing d...
[at JK Rowling's Scottish castle]
JK Rowling: Ha ha! Look at me! I'm possting on the internet!
Rowling: "esstrogen turns normal men into rampaging ape beastss!"
agent: joanne! stop!
agent: you're posting too close to the sun!
Rowling: "Gamer ssockss are AGP!"
Rowling: ha ha no one can ssstop me!
Rowling: I'm JK fuckin' Rowling!
Rowling: I'm a beautiful animal!!
Rowling: watch this, i'm gonna poke imane khelif with thisss ssstick
agent: joanne! no!
Stephen King: wow, john, i just heard that you're going to be in the The Thing Expanded documentary!
John Carpenter: [playing Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy on Playstation 2]
King:
Carpenter:
King: i said
Carpenter: i heard you
King: i'm just really excited cuz that's my favorite movie!
Poe: mine too!
Koontz: oh wow! me too!
Barker: everyone loves that movie
Lovecraft: great film!
Carpenter:
Carpenter: yeah well
Carpenter: that's not...
David Niall Wilson: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the author who writes reality
Wilson: OR...?
Wilson: does reality write her????
Koontz: whoaaaaa!
Wilson: i know right????
Wilson: so there's this best-selling author
King: oh i love it already!
King: see that's what i like to see, a relatable protagonist
Wilson: a best-selling author of sexy potboilers
King: this just gets better and better!
Graham Masterton: it may interest you to know
Masterton: that when i'm not writing horror
Masterton: i'm writing sex guides
Barker: oh yeah? how's that work? i thought you were british
Masterton: i
Masterton:
Barker: how you gonna write a sex guide when you're british?
Masterton: you're british
Barker: ah ha ha oh you got me ha ha ha!
Barker: this guy's good
Barker: he's real good!
Edward Lee: bro you write sex guides?
Masterton: yup!
Mast...
Graham Masterton: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of what if satan ran for president
Masterton: think about it! if satan was president, he could do anything
Barker: i mean, he already can do anything can't he?
Barker: he's satan
Masterton:
Masterton: if satan was president of the US, he could do all sorts of evil things!
Masterton: could you imagine? the very engine of government, turned toward evil!
Masterton: why, it might...
CS Humble: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the massacre at yellow hill
Humble: it's about a black vampire hunter
Barker: is it Blade?
Humble: no
Humble: not every black vampire hunter is blade for your information
Humble: this black vampire hunter and his adopted son are riding across the lonesome prairies of texas in search of vampires
Robert E Howard: don't mess with texas!
Humble: but also having philosophical...
JK Rowling: hello children
Clive Barker: whoa jk rowling! you're alive!
Barker: oh thank god we were all really worried
Barker: since you hadn't tweeted in a week
Barker: unless there was some REASON you're suddenly not tweeting
Barker: hahaha
Barker: gee joanne is there some REASON you're not tweeting?
Barker: some INCIDENT which might be, for some reason, restraining you from tweeting?
Barker: like the advice of a lawyer perhaps? ha ha
Poe: don't listen to ...
[at JK Rowling's Scottish castle]
JK Rowling's agent: hey joanne it's me your agent
Agent: Lydia
Agent: i haven't appeared in a while so readers might not remember me
Agent: i am a midnight pals totally original character, do not steal
Agent: so how you been doing? working on a new book?
JK Rowling: actually i've been bussssy
agent: oh yeah? with the transphobia?
Rowling: with the transssphobia, yesss
Rowling: itsss like a full time job
Rowling: i s...
Bitter Karella: hello, fellow esteemed authors!
King: wow it's bitter karella!
Lovecraft: bitter karella!
Koontz: WOW bitter karella!
Poe: OMG it's THE bitter karella!
Barker:
Barker: what the fuck is wrong with you guys
Karella: yes it's me, bitter karella, beloved bon vivant, gadabout and real author
Barker: well, i've never heard of you
Karella:
Barker: wait did i say that? i meant to say bitter karella is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most...
Hey everyone, just wanted to share some VERY COOL news! Orbit US has just announced that my book, Moonflow, will be coming out in Fall of 2025! This is really exciting for me and I genuinely would not have made it to this point without the kindness and support of so many people, including YOU! So thank you :)
What is Moonflow about? It's about a pair of mushroom hunters who get lost in an unexplored forest and run afoul of a coven of evil hippies! Much gender! Many sex! Big gore! All t...
2024-08-10 19:45:55 +0000 UTC View PostClive Barker: hey guys you hear that Imane Khelif won the gold medal at the Paris Olympics
Poe: ah very cool
Barker: so where's joanne
Barker: is she here tonight
Barker: ha ha
Poe: clive
Barker: cuz i just want to haha talk
Poe: clive don't be an instigator
Barker: hey joanne ha ha so did you hear the news
Barker: imane khelif won
JK Rowling: what?? how can thisss be??
Rowling: how can they allow this over the objectionsss of the worldssss...
Bonnie Jo Stufflebeam: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the people coming to terms with life's melancholy pageant
Stufflebeam: but also
Stufflebeam: there's skeletons
Koontz: s-s-skeletons???
Stufflebeam: that's right
Stufflebeam: spooky scary skeletons
Stufflebeam: Send shivers down your spine
Stufflebeam: Shrieking skulls will shock your soul
Stufflebeam: Seal your doom tonight
Stufflebeam: thes...
2024-08-06 18:40:48 +0000 UTC View PostJK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i am very concerned
Barker: are you still on about the olympics
Rowling: NO
Rowling: well yess
Rowling: but more to the point
Rowling: people need to ssstop talking about my black mold!
Rowling: i want you all to sstop ssaying that my sscottish casstle isss full of black mold
Rowling: or asss we call it in england
Rowling: black mould
King: but joanne we're just really concerned!
Rowling: THATSSS MY LINE!...
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm VERY concerned about the olympicssss
Clive Barker: oh you found a new interest? that's nice
Stephen King: i didn't know you followed the olympics!
Rowling: I do now that TRANSS WOMEN ARE INVOLVED
Barker: so you didn't find a new interest
King: i don't think any trans women are involved in the olympics actually joanne
Rowling: then I'll just have to make sssome up!
Barker: does everything have to be about the trans wo...
Oz Perkins: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the longlegs
Perkins: it's about an FBI agent tracking a serial killer
Thomas Harris: nice
Perkins: no no it's totally different than that
Perkins: not like silence of the lambs at all
Perkins: but here's the twist
Perkins: longlegs is played by nicholas cage with a weird puffy face, long hair and acting all high femme
Perkins: so its kinda like silence of the lambs in ...