Bitter Karella

Midnight Pals: Kenneth Branagh's Frankenstein

Sir Kenneth Branagh: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of Sir Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
Branagh: it's the Frankenstein film most to the vision of its original creator
Branagh: me, sir Kenneth branagh

Branagh: and that means no igor
King: no igor? oh but you gotta have igor!
Barker: yeah we all love igor
Barker: he's like the renfield of Frankenstein

Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Poe: mary, Kenneth here was ju...

Event: Gays in Space! Bitter Karella in conversation with Charlie Jane Anders

You heard right! On Oct. 25, I'll be at A Seat at the Table books in Elk Grove, CA at 4:00 om to have a conversation with the one and only Charlie Jane Anders about her new book Lessons in Magic and Disaster! The Gays are in Space!

13h

Midnight Pals: Dinosaurs

Dean Koontz: you know what you guys?
King: now dean you know you've got to say the words
Poe: oh it's dean, steve
Poe: let him have this
King: saying the words is part of the fun, edgar
King: besides he's got to learn sometime

Koontz: you know what guys?
Koontz: you know if i had to write a story set in any decade
Koontz: you know what decade I would set it in?
Lovecraft: The 30s?
King: The 50s?
Grady Hendrix [doing a sick skateboard flip]: The 90...

Guess who got mentioned in the Washington Post? (Me, it was me)

Someone mentioned that I come across as warm in videos, so maybe I'll try making some video announcements instead of just typing them. Hopefully people don't get sick of my stupid voice lmao

I'm just super excited to mention that Moonflow (my book!!!!) got a mention in the new Charlie Jane Anders' column in The Washington Post!!!!

"“Moonflow” is both profound and profoundly strange, as mind-expanding as the most potent magic mushroom. Karella achieved fame as an onl...

Midnight Pals: Desert Island Game

Cat Voleur: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the story of the end of the world
Voleur: what if the world ended and you were stuck on a tropical island with your incredibly hot lover
Voleur: wouldn't that suck?
Voleur: wouldn't that just be the absolute worst?

Voleur: i mean, just imagine
Voleur: it's just you and your insanely hot lover
Voleur: nothing to do but lie on the beach naked
Voleur: go swimming naked
Voleur: generally be nake...

Midnight Pals: 5 Nights at Freddys 2

Scott Cawthon: i have big news about the new five nights at freddys movie!!!
King: there's a new five nights at freddys movie?
Cawthon: yeah! the kids will love it!
Cawthon: no way has the animatronic pizza robot fad died down!
Cawthon: this party ain't ever gonna end!

Cawthon: Five Nights at Freddys 2 is gonna be amazing!
King: wait, this is a sequel? i don't remember a first movie
Cawthon: well steve you know how it was at the height of freddy mania
Cawthon...

Midnight Pals: Fairies

Jennifer McMahon: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the girl who gets kidnapped by fairies
Arthur Conan Doyle: ah yes yes yes
Doyle: as the resident expert on fairies and fairy behavior
Doyle: i can say that's pretty standard fairy behavior

McMahon: but then, after 15 years, this girl comes back
Doyle: oh my god an actual witness returning from fairyland?!
Doyle: this is huge!!
Doyle: finally we'll have the evidence to pr...

Midnight Pals: Monster

Ryan Murphy: hey horror fans it's me ryan murphy
Ian Brennan: and I'm ryan murphy
Murphy: and together we're
Murphy: no wait I'M ryan murphy
Brennan: no no you're ian brennan
Murphy:

Murphy: ok wait i prepared for this
Murphy: [looks at hand, on which is written 'You are Ryan Murphy']

Murphy: ok horror fans so it's me
Murphy: reasonably sure i'm ryan murphy
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Murphy: look this isn't easy for a man without o...

Midnight Pals: Lovecraft Tea

Muriel Eddy: hello dear readers
Eddy: are you ready for some delicious gossip about your good friend hp lovecraft?
Eddy: remember you heard it hear first
Eddy: off the record, on the QT, and very hush hush

Poe: no now Muriel, howard's a friend and we don't gossip here
Barker: shut up edgar i want to hear this
Barker: this tea better be hot
Eddy: oh it's hot
Eddy: PIPING hot
Barker: well don't keep us is suspense!
Barker: spill it!

Eddy: now you didn't he...

Midnight Pals: Who Killed Elon

M. Lopes da Silva: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of what if elon musk got killed
Aubrey Wood: ah yes what if melon husk got unalived, hypothetically, in Minecraft
Wood: lol just kidding!
wood: …. unless?

da Silva: what if elon musk got killed
King: siiiigh
King: oh if only
Poe: steve you can't mean that
King: no of course not i
King: i just
King: how does he die?
da Silva: a deer vomits glitter on him and he melt...

Midnight Pals: Haar

David Sodergren: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the haar
Koontz: what's haar?
Sodergren: it's like fog
Sodergren: but more Scottish
Sodergren: and you know what they say
Sodergren: IF IT'S NOT SCOTTISH, IT'S CRAP!

John Carpenter: so this is story about the fog?
Sodergren: yes
Carpenter: well, i told a story about the fog once and you all hated it!
Barker: well, maybe now we like it
Carpenter:
Carpenter: ...

Midnight Pals: Revenge

King: so what did we miss?
Poe: well apparently the first amendment doesn't exist anymore
King: what?! but that's my favorite amendment!
Poe: wait i'm getting word that maybe it does
King: phew! that was a close one
King: glad that got settled

Bitter Karella: well well well
Karella: guess who's a big deal published author now
Koontz: who?
Karella:
King: she's talking about herself, dean
Koontz: really?
Karella: yes that was extremely heavily implied
K...

Midnight Pals: We're back

King: boy that sure was a long and relaxing break but it's sure nice to get back to the campfire
King: [dusting cobwebs off campfire] sure hope nothing crazy happened while we were gone
JK Rowling: [in full SS uniform] ACHTUNG!
Rowling: JETZT SINGEN WIR ZUSAMMEN DAS LIED UBER UNSER LIEBER FUHRER ADOLF H. HITLER UND DEN SCHWEINDOGGENEN HUND

Rowling: jetzt mussen wir die finalishen solutionheimer implementieren also wir konnen uns die untermenschen geschwinden wird
King: um we...

Midnight Pals: Horror Zine

Edward Lee: hey broooo
Lee: it's time for a bros night out!
Lovecraft: oh no
Lee: we're gonna have so much fun, bro!
Lee: Jordan won't even remember his ex
Jordan Shiveley: sighhh
Shiveley: [plaintiffly touching framed photo] the void…

Lee: bro
Lee: bro trust me
Lee: once you see this place, you're gonna forget all about the void
Lee: we're gonna get so much tail
Lee: [puts on cassette tape, "Boys Are Back in Town" plays]

[at the club]
J...

Midnight Pals: Garlic

Jennifer Armentrout: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the scone of stone and bone
King: what's that smell?
Armentrout: oh you mean that garlic smell?
Armentrout: that patented Hellmans original mouth-watering garlic aioli smell?
King:
King: yeah that smell

Armentrout: that just happens to be my latest book
Armentrout: I've infused it with a Hellmans original garlic aioli smell
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Lovecraft...

Midnight Pals: Serious times

HP Lovecraft: before we begin tonight, i'd like to observe a moment of silence for the victim of gun violence
Barker: you mean victims?
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: no
Lovecraft: just the one
Koontz: which one?
Lovecraft: oh you know the one i mean
Barker: oh yeah we know the one i mean

Stephen King: you know howard
King: that charlie kirk
King: i hate to say it
King: but he was no angel
Lovecraft: what???
King: no its true

King: why, did you know that...

Midnight Pals: iygyfebwc

JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i've just dissscovered a chilling transss conssspiracy
Barker: is this the one to allow slighter taller than average women to be department store clerks
Rowling: NO
Rowling: IT'SS NOT THAT ONE
Rowling: but that one iss real by the way
Barker: sure

Rowling: did you know that transss are, right now, Ruye Wiluplita w Reggrice ddelrig Osarpikcill?
Poe:
King:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Rowling: think about it...

Midnight Pals: Court Testimony

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i want you all to give a warm welcome to graham linehan
Rowling: i've decided that it's high time we welcome him back into the mainssstream of the gender critical movement
Rowling: he'sss definitely very normal and not unhinged

Rowling: graham has been unfairly targeted by the police for attacking a transs woman
Rowling: luckily he has a foolproof alibi
Rowling: tell them what you told me gr...

Midnight Pals: Linehan Arrested

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: tonight i want to talk about the ssscourge of ssslightly taller than average department sstore clerksss
Rowling: when will we be free of thiss long national nightmare?
Kathleen Stock: a just question, my liege!

Rowling: in fact i [cell phone ringing]
Stock: your mobile is ringing
Rowling: my what
Stock: your mobile
Stock: its what we call cell phones here in britain
Rowling: oh r...

MOONFLOW IS LIVE!!

check it out, my psychedelic trans splatterpunk horror novel moonflow debuts today! :D Here's a little taste of some of the mushrooms readers get to meet! :D https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/titles/bitter-karella/moonflow/9780316581936/

Midnight Pals: Mambo Macabre

Tabitha King: did listening to lou bega’s mambo no 5 incessantly on loop for hours help inspire you to write?
Stephen King: it did!
Stephen King: but why wound readers’ brain with words?!
Stephen King: when I can set their souls on fire with a slanderous mambo?!?

Stephen King: [rolling fedora down arm & popping it onto head in one fluid motion] ladies and gentlemen
King: mambo no 5 has inspired me
King: so I have composed my own mambo
Koontz: wow!
Koontz: I ...

Midnight Pals: Tunes for Writing

Stephen King: alright, time to get to work
King: gotta get some writing done
King: and that means
King: i gotta put on
King: SOME TUNES
[King rolls a fedora down his arm & pops it on his head in one fluid motion]
King: [flailing wildly] A LITTLE BIT OF RITA'S ALL I NEED

Tabitha King: [busting into room] NO
Tabitha King: [smashing record player] NO
Tabitha King: IF I HEAR THAT DAMN MAMBO ONE MORE TIME
Stephen King: i know, i know, you'll divorce me...

Midnight Pals: MOONFLOW IS COMING

Bitter Karella: well well well
Karella: guess who's got her debut horror book coming out next week
King:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Koontz:
Karella: c'mon guess
King:
Poe:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Koontz:
Karella: it shouldn't be this hard

Karella: c'mon you know the answer
Karella: you know, the book MOONFLOW?
Karella: the novel that's "delight from start to finish" (Literary Hub)?
Karella: a "rollicking, trippy ride" (Library Jour...

Midnight Pals: The Rude Question

Edgar Allan Poe: ok guys so kind of a thing tonight
Poe: GRR Martin is coming over to talk
Poe: and i need you all to NOT ask him about finishing game of thrones
Poe: i'm looking at you clive
Barker: yeah i'm just gonna ask him
Poe: don't deny it clive, i know you're thinking-
Poe: oh

Poe: clive please don't
Barker: i'm gonna do it
Poe: it's rude
Barker: yes
Barker: exactly
Poe:
Poe: i'm really tired clive
Barker: you can stop fighting...

Midnight Pals: Worldcon Drama

[at space coven]
Hugo Gernsback: I've had enough of this!
Gernsback: for too long, my precious hugos have been besmirched by scandal and controversy!
Gernsback: but no more!
Gernsback: i'm taking charge now

Gernsback: no more chinanery!
Gernsback: no more shenanigans!
Gernsback: and most of all
Gernsback: no more clownish buffoonery!
[immediately slips on a banana peel]

Gernsback: no more clownish buffoonery!
Gernsback: the buffoonery ends here!
Clive...

Midnight Pals: Withered Hill

David Barnett: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of withered hill
Barnett: its about this woman who gets trapped in this weirdly horny british village
Barnett: for being too big a slut
Mary Shelley: lol no such thing

Edward Lee: bro
Lee: bro
Lee: where is this village?
Barnett: oh you wouldn't want to go to this village
Barnett: everyone there is just horny and fucking all the time
Barnett: just walking around with big ol' b...

Midnight Pals: Polari Prize

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
John Boyne: dark lord! dark lord, help me!
JK Rowling: whatsss wrong?
Boyne: i'm being bullied!
Boyne: me! john boyne!
Boyne: author of the boy in the striped pajamas
Boyne: [whispers] a fable

Boyne: nobody has ever been as bullied as me!
Boyne: first the holocaust survivors bully me!
Boyne: then the gamers!
Boyne: now the trans!

Boyne: i was longlisted for the polari prize
Boyne: the most prestigious of queer brit...

Midnight Pals: Flesh for Frankenstein

Paul Morrissey: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of andy warhol's frankenstein
Barker: uh huh
Barker: was andy warhol involved?
Morrissey: why are you asking questions when you already know the answer

Bram Stoker: ugh are you going to make this one all sexy too?
Morrissey: i thought you approved of dracula getting sick from the blood of whores
Barker: c'mon man
Barker: do the voice
Morrissey: sorry i meant the blood of ...

Midnight Pals: Andy Warhol's Dracula

Paul Morrissey: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of andy warhol's dracula
King: wow! andy warhol made a dracula movie?!
Morrissey:
Morrissey: yeeeeah
Morrissey: sure he did
Morrissey: that's the ticket

Barker: so exactly how involved was andy warhol in the making of this movie?
Morrissey: oh he was real involved
Morrissey: super involved
Morrissey: he uh
Morrissey: you know he was
Morrissey: he was involved<...

Midnight Pals: Gollum

JRR Tolkien: exciting news everyone! there's a new lord of the rings movie!
Tolkien: finally, it's going to answer that big question on everyone's minds
Tolkien: what was gollum doing?
King:
Poe:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Koontz:
Tolkien: everyone's always asking me, what was gollum doing?

Tolkien: people want to know, what was gollum doing while all that exciting fellowship stuff was happening?
Poe: wasn't he
Poe: you know
Poe: looking for the ring?...